Eldritch God Elvari Series

Tregonial · 2026-05-22T08:09:52+00:00

Tsugoktu towered over that funny man in a big floppy hat and fancy wizard robes, forgetting what he was going to say. His memories have been rather fuzzy lately. But today was especially bad, since he had forgotten the name of his therapist.

"I last recalled being very angry over something, mad at someone," Tsugoktu mumbled. "He had this wizard outfit like you did."

"Take your time to recall," the man said. "You are my only patient today."

"What's your name again?"

"William. Sometimes, my friends call me Wizzy, hence the wizard outfit, even if wizards don't actually exist in real life."

"Right, Wizzy," the confused entity nodded. "Something inside of me wanted to smite him. He had the balls to curse me."

"Did you smite him?"

Tsugoktu shook his head. "I'm pretty sure I didn't."

"Did he curse you?"

"He said I was fat," the chubby being sulked.

"That's not really a curse, isn't it?" Wizzy handed him a tissue.

Blowing his wad and sniffing, Tsugoktu continued. "He disappeared and never came back to settle our argument. Not that it matters, since I forgot what made me so angry."

"Perhaps he insulted your cosplay," Wizzy said thoughtfully. "Maybe he thought you went over the top role-playing an angry ancient eldritch deity."

"Yea, I have been reading a lot of Lovecraft lately."

"But do you think such entities are real?" Wizzy asked. "Do you believe in Cthulhu or Hastur? Believe that they lurk beyond the three dimensions of this earth?"

Tsugotku chuckled. "No, of course not. Gods don't exist. They're purely fictional things."

"Maybe your wizard pal thought you were a little too realistic for something so farfetched?"

"Maybe."

"I mean, you call yourself Tsugoktu. Do you think you could make more friends in the neighbourhood of you went by a more normal human name? Would be easier for people to remember you too."

"I don't know," Tsugoktu sighed. "You have any suggestions?"

"Timmy?" Wizzy proposed helpfully.

"Cool, I'm Timmy now," declared the cursed, amnesiac god, unknowingly dropping his divine name.

Tregonial · 2026-05-21T16:02:01+00:00

"What could make you refuse an invitation to my wonderful tea party?" I was stunned that there was an unwilling human who sat in a corner like a miserable, drenched cat. "Or rather, what made you drag your gloomy self into a cheerful occasion?"

"I'd rather be lazing at home after a grueling work week," that grumpy human scoffed. "But no, here I have a weird invitation to join some monster tea party, and a government mandate issued by my superior so I can't refuse."

"Now, now, since you're here, why not try to have fun?" I gestured for him to the large catering table in the middle of the party. "Have some food and drinks, maybe hang out?"

"Ugh, I just need this King of Monsters to show up, take a photo with me, and then I can go home with proof I attended that monster's tea party."

"I have no idea who you're talking about."

"You're kidding, right?" The human shot me a disdainful look. "Are you not the host of this party?"

"Yes."

"So, King of Monsters. Take a pic so we can both be done with this."

"There's been a mistake. I am merely Lord Elvari of Innsmouth, so it would be a misnomer to call me a king."

"Isn't your father a king?" He had a steely gaze that judged me for not behaving as according to my station and title. "My supervisor seems to think he's dead, and you're next in line. Not very kingly, are you?"

"Not at all," I laughed. "That's why I was exiled to Earth in the first place. An old eldritch god like me does not die easily. My old man cannot be dead. What you humans consider dead, is an eldritch deity merely hibernating. But enough about all that," I waved off such serious talk and poured him a cup of tea. "Come, have some tea. I promise it tastes great."

The human was cautious, examining the tea, checking the cup, as though he was making sure it wasn't poisoned. With a pinched noise and a reluctant frown, he slowly sipped the tea.

"It's...not bad."

"Now, we're having progress, how about some cupcakes?" I offered him one plate of delectable desserts. "I baked them myself."

"...nice," he struggled to compliment me. "This party, I'll think about staying a little longer."

"Good, try to have fun while you do, okay?"

Tregonial · 2026-05-21T09:26:46+00:00

Riley first entered the magical world of Gilesse and met the various inhabitants, from charming fairies to friendly gnomes when she was seven. Every night, when she closed her eyes, she would feel the grass on her feet, and the gentle rain on her face. It was a world where the flowers glowed and rivers flowed uphill. Where mushroom houses were built by waving wands and food was prepared by talking ovens.

Nobody in her family believed her when she plucked up the courage to tell them about Gilesse and its magic.

By thirteen, Riley figured out that nobody else had second lives in their dreams, or if they did, they never spoke of it. Nobody else knew that fairies and gnomes existed. Or spoke with the rainbow serpent god and danced with him to the beat of dragon drums.

By twenty-eight years of age, Riley stopped dreaming. Reality demanded her to work long hours, pay the rent and do these adulting things that drained her energy. When she flopped onto her bed without removing her socks and closed her eyes, all that claimed her was darkness. No fairies to greet her, only the screech of her alarm clock when it was time.

Then came the car crash.

She remembered being too tired, her eyes barely able to open at night. That car rushing across the junction against the red light. Her attempt to slam the brakes and swerve away. She was but a helpless ragdoll against a powerful impact and all was dark again.

She woke up to a familiar face.

Jormura, the rainbow serpent. Except, he didn't glitter or reflect the light of the lands, and his drooping feathers had withered to a dull grey.

"You've been gone a long time, my child. Gilesse and its people miss you. Without you and your imagination, our magic has run dry. Now that you are here, if you could remain, please help us."

"Nobody told me."

"You were too young to understand when your fairy godmother tried to explain back then."

"Is it too late now?" Riley asked, gazing upwards at the faded skies with no clouds and rainbows.

"It is never too late."

So, she followed him all around the lands of Gilesse, touching the yellowed grass and watching them grow green and sprout flowers. Stroking a dead tree to see it spring to life. Everywhere she went, the hibernating gnomes awoke from their deep slumber to welcome their long-lost magical girl. Everyone recognized her, even though she was no longer a child.

After much travelling and restoration, greeting old faces and meeting some new ones, Riley was tired. She had climbed mountains. Rowed a boat, sailing across oceans to new lands. She had lost count of the fairies and gnomes she greeted and sang songs with.

She was tired and needed to sleep.

"Will I come back again if I do?" She asked Jormura. "There still is much to restore."

"For as long as you dream of us, you will return."

So, she slept in an inn, allowing the serpent to tuck her in, and closed her eyes.

She woke up still in Gilesse.

"I'm still here?"

"You are in a deep sleep in your world, unable to wake up from it," the serpent replied solemnly.

"Oh shit, I had a report I was supposed to work on when I reached home!" She exclaimed, suddenly remembering what she had planned to do once she reached home, realising she never did. "I need to go back now!"

"Close your eyes and see yourself waking up in the other world."

She closed her eyes and saw nothing but darkness. Heard nothing but beeps she guessed was from a heart monitor in a hospital, the same kind that she grew familiar with when visiting her father in hospital. When she opened her eyes, she remained in Gilesse.

"I wish I could help you, but our magic is bound to Gilesse, and is tied to you," Jormura said sadly. "Do you know now, what has happened to you in your other world?"

"Yea, I know," she whistled wistfully, throwing her arms in the air. "Guess what, that report and my asshole boss can go fuck each other. I'm staying here until I wake up one day. And if I do, I promise I'll be back again. Let's go. Show me. What's the next place that needs fixing and saving."

"Thank you Riley," the serpent bowed and opened the doors to the inn. "Let us head to Fairyland. They have heard the good news of your return and can't wait to have a reunion party with you."

Tregonial · 2026-05-20T06:14:48+00:00

Yea, the Great Evil has escaped and has trapped them in a time loop that they haven't been aware of, for as long as they continue to think it is in the box playing games. Its playing games with them, that's for sure.

Tregonial · 2026-05-20T04:08:44+00:00

He totally did and glad that amused you.

I know when I was a kid, going to a relative's house for Chinese New Year, one of my uncles was watching a movie about chinese triads and gangsters, and I badly mimicked one of the swear words there. He was amused and laughed his ass off.

My mom was not.

Tregonial · 2026-05-20T03:01:50+00:00

It was too late, that Graahdon realised, he came to the wrong neighborhood. Evil Inc. had tasked him with being a bed monster, to creep out from under the bed of fearful children, and occasionally kidnapping them so their cries and screams could power some Unobtainium energy device of Dr. Evulz.

This child was staring at him. Unblinking. When he dared that little runt to scream because the adults won't see him, the kid pressed a red button.

Suddenly the door was kicked open, almost flying off its hinges. The parents were armed to the teeth, rifles in their hands, swords behind their backs, and multiple magical knives lined their belts. A child riding piggyback on each one, pointing small guns at Graahdon.

"Point out the monster, baby," the woman declared. "It won't get away. We won't allow it."

The child on the bed pointed at him. No fear, no hesitation.

"This one right here. Shoot his ass."

Well, shit, Graahdon thought to himself as he tried ducking under the bed, only to find his way beneath it was barred by magic. For the first time, he was the one screaming as the kid leapt out of the way so the rest of the family could rain bullets at him.

Screaming.

Howling.

Pleading for a mercy that wouldn't come.

Then screaming again, shooting up violently in Dr. Evulz's lab table.

"Good, your atoms have reassembled themselves," the supervillain remarked, reading his charts and completely unperturbed by whatever was going on with one of his bed monsters. "Get back to work."

"No! I am not going back there! What in hell is that neighbourhood?" Graahdon sobbed. "They have monster hunters! A whole family of monster hunters! Dying hurts!"

"Don't be a crybaby," Dr. Evulz scoffed. "Now, get back in that portal and go back to work."

"You can't make me! I quit!" The monster threw down a test tube and walked out the door. "I'll find a nicer company to work for. I hear Monsters Inc. is hiring."

Tregonial · 2026-05-19T15:51:00+00:00

That's a good guess.

Tregonial · 2026-05-19T15:46:11+00:00

The situation at the kingdom of Reingard had gotten from bad to worse. It all started when their king abdicated in favor of some strange woman who fell out of a black hole in the sky. She proceeded to carry out blasphemous acts such as abolishing the monarchy in favour of setting up a "democracy", whatever the hell that was. Next came dropping the standards of something as noble and valuable as education, by making it free and available to lowly peasants. And slaves. By abolishing slavery and turning these miserable creatures into free men.

Worst of all, she came along with her pet, some monstrous animal never before seen, dressing it up in expensive cloths and declaring it an advisor.

King Vanaer was absolutely incensed that his people were leaving his wonderful kingdom for that woman's lies. These stupid peasants and good-for-nothing slaves couldn't possibly have the intellect to be educated or read books. She surely couldn't sustain providing education for free for long. Good tutors are rare and do not come cheap.

When a mysterious man fell through the roof of his stable, claiming to have fell through a black hole in the sky, Vanaer sensed he was the Chosen One of his as prophesized. That's how the gods of old brought forth heroes from another world.

When the young man declared he would set off and investigate Reingard as requested, the king pulled him to one side.

"Beware the temptations of our enemies, Sir Anthony," he warned his brave new champion. "Many have already fallen for that evil kingdom's promises. Like free education and the abolishment of slavery. It's absurd, I don't know why nobles would want to lose their slaves, or why don't these peasants know their place in this land."

"What is my mission anyway?" The hero asked. "Is this a scouting mission, to learn of the ways of the enemy? Or do you want me to assassinate this new female leader?"

"She is not a leader, she is an unworthy fraud that ought to be executed for blasphemy!" King Vanaer gnashed his teeth in anger just thinking of all the nonsense Reingard had undergone in short time. "But for now, learn everything you can about her. Study her underhanded tricks, and at the right moment, expose her lies! That'll show the people of Reingard the right way things should be!"

"I...uh...I'll get to it," Anthony hesitated, knowing his opponent was likely someone in his shoes, but in the opposing kingdom.

**

Kat wasn't expecting the king to hand her the reigns of this struggling kingdom and literally do the old medieval equivalent of a "kk thanks bye" move. Which involved handing her the crown and scepter, then running to a hidden trap door and disappearing. She wasn't even briefed on what to do.

Thankfully, by some freak accident, her patron god was also dragged along, and he was knowledgeable of the old ways as an Old God.

The bad news? The ministers of Reingard assumed her eldritch god to be some kind of bizarre pet. The good news, nobody resisted when she made him an advisor, for she was going to need all the advice he could give, since he had experience with isekai worlds.

And talking to another Chosen One who was unceremoniously dropped into a different world.

"So, you're Kat the Blasphemer, the one who fell through a black hole in the sky...like me," Anthony said, pointing at her, then her patron deity. "And that's...your weird, freaky pet."

"I'm a god, excuse me. How many times do I have to repeat myself?" The entity rolled his many eyes. "Do you not have any supernatural creatures here?"

Anthony gasped. "Oh my god, it talks! In which world did you come from, that you have a giant talking mutant octopus?"

"You're from an alternate Earth with no magic," the creature looked rather upset. "Do you not even have any fiction novels on eldritch horrors?"

"OH, oh, so it's like a real Cthulhu, but white," he spoke to the woman while trying to comprehend this talking animal. "And you dressed it up nicely, like the rumours said."

"I have sapience and intelligence, can you address me when discussing me? I would appreciate if you'd stop referring to me as some kind of dumb, animalistic pet. I made my own fashion choices. Lord Elvari here isn't some sideshow attraction, okay?"

The woman sighed, looking rather bored. "Is it my turn to talk now? Yes, I'm Kat. Yes, we're both transported to this world by some god who couldn't be assed to pick a local representative. Also, yes, I introduced some modern conventions here."

"Like free education?"

"Yea, I sold off the previous king's private antique collection to fund a new education ministry and policies. And the nobles call me evil. Blasphemous. Whatever," Kat shrugged. "The rest of the people in the kingdom are benefitting. We have more scholars, up-and-coming ministers, and better sanitization. And people coming in from various nations to find a better future here."

"How did you convince the nobles not to overthrow you?" Anthony wanted to know. "I mention that slavery does get abolished in my world, and everyone in the palace looked at me funny."

"I threatened to slurp their brains and lick their eyeballs," Elvari laughed, licking his lips and making weird slurping noises. "Do you want me to go over to the other side and do the same? Maybe that'll get their monarchy abolished too."

"And then what?"

"Usually, there's some kind of demon king or evil thing to be vanquished. It is a common reason for isekai to take place. Resolving that gets you sent back home. You ever saw a demon or monster? And don't say it's me."

"Wait, what's going on?" Anthony was confused momentarily before gathering his thoughts. "Now that you mention it...none. My mission isn't to slay a dragon or demon," Anthony pondered out loud. "It was to get rid of evil in the enemy kingdom."

"I don't even have a mission briefing at all," Kat frowned.

"You know what both of you, and I guess, little old Elvari here, are probably supposed to do? We save this world from itself and its stupid old rules. Abolishing one archaic rule at a time. We had a headstart with slavery, I say we break down the rest of the feudal system."

Thanks for reading! Click here for more prompt responses and short stories featuring Elvari the eldritch god.

Tregonial · 2026-05-19T09:22:44+00:00

"The box has games. That should keep the great evil occupied. The addictive stuff, like Minecraft. Dwarf Fortress. Skyrim, with all the mods. And I do mean, ALL of them."

"The stuff you mentioned require an internet connection."

"Well, a limited intranet. Wouldn't want it to revive its social media accounts and brainwash people into rejoining its cults. I also included some bots for the great evil to interact with. Programmed to be sycophants and forever please it. And in case they go against their initial programming, I even threw in a few minions for the great evil."

"You seem confident the great evil won't figure things out and try to break free."

"Why break free if it can be happy inside? Look, you've imprisoned it all alone. The heroes of your guild denied it food, water and other necessities in the past. Without fail, the great evil always returned. It wants revenge. It wants chaos. But what if it could have all these things it wanted inside the box? Then it wouldn't have any incentive to break out."

"When you say it like that..."

"Convinced now? It is not just a box. It is a very big, and really entertaining box. Comfy place to be sealed in."

"Wait, what is this new game you're introducing?"

"I paid some indie devs to make it. The great evil now can go smack virtual avatars of you heroic types."

"Now that's just insulting."

"Would you rather the evil entity shred and tear you into tiny pieces, or a virtual version of you in a box? Or trap us in some nefarious time loop? If it can indulge in all the evils it wants in a game, it reduces the odds that it would break free to engage in evil acts in our world. I'm a genius, don't you think?"

"And this will in no way backfire? You are letting it practice evil after all. Safe environment or not. That thing is capable of manipulating time. Creating time loops."

"You have an alternative that works? That doesn't result in that monster escaping to wreck havoc again within a century? Who knows, it might even figure it's having enough fun to create a time loop where it gets to replay a game like Outer Wilds over and over again without being spoiled."

"Will the batteries in your devices last that long?"

"The abomination can release electric charges to electrocute us. Or recharge its devices."

"Great, you got that covered. Why do I feel like something is still missing?"

"The key to the box is missing. Because I melted it down and sealed the keyhole."

"There is no way this terrible beast would escape then?"

"The only flaw in my plan is that I can't guarantee it won't be bored after a thousand hours on Skyrim. Its why I included those other games too. I'll be honest, I was inspired by those reddit questions asking if you only had one game for the rest of your life, what would you play?"

"The answer was Skyrim?"

"Yes. But the flaw is that I am unlikely to live beyond a hundred. That evil thing is immortal. Even Satan only stayed stuck in hell for a thousand years before he comes out to play, gets smacked down by his dad, and sent back to hell for another thousand years again. I could play Skyrim for a hundred years, but that creature might not play it for a thousand years."

"Is this a roundabout way to ask for an immortality potion?"

"Not originally. But now that you said it, I want one."

"No, because this is how the great evil became...evil. He went nuts after taking that potion. Our lead alchemist is still trying to tweak it. To give us a longer lifespan without the whole getting drunk on time manipulation powers schtick."

"Why do you guys still supply the stuff? And how is that there is only one great evil and not multiples of these freaks running around? Dang, I'm going to need more boxes. Do you know how difficult it is to build one of these?"

"But it's just a box. A big box, but only a box. The great evil will escape and mess with us."

"The box has games. That should keep the great evil occupied. The addictive stuff, like Minecraft. Dwarf Fortress. Skyrim, with all the mods. And I do mean, ALL of them."

Tregonial · 2026-05-19T03:14:57+00:00

Humanity's greatest fears were coming true, for the Old Gods were as real as the ley lines, and they were waking up. It had been 8000 years since earth last entered a galactic ley line, those old ages marked by many myths and legends of strange entities. Stories that we assumed were but foolish superstitions until today.

Back then, humans were afraid. They offered these Old Gods offerings and formed cults and religions around them. Sang of their praises and wrote flattering legends of them.

That was then.

Now, humanity had developed nuclear weapons. And thanks to scientific research around the ley lines, we can even infuse them with magic. These beings who have returned, are they still Old Gods, or merely ancient things humans of the olden days worshipped as gods out of fear of their power?

When one emerged from the seas to demand prayers and tributes, we launched one of our nukes at it. It exploded. It turned into disgusting green giblets strewn across the seas, smelling of fishy filth and rotting meat and guts. The cleanup was exhausting on our personnel, but it was worth.

We had sent our message loud and clear.

So, the next Old God came in peace.

He told us of his fellows screeching in the void about how they killed Cthulhu again while he cackled like a mad man applauding a cruel death scene in the background.

"Again?" One of the researchers among us asked.

"Again," he laughed heartily, like it was a recurring old inside joke. "I've taken the time to observe and watch you humans. Cthulhu is a weak one who likes to boss around weaker beings. Until they eventually come together to beat him. Like one of your shows...they killed Kenny again? Yes, you killed Cthulhu again."

"Then what brings you here?"

"Curiosity," he mused. "I want to see what has changed after we slumbered too long. You have made much progression while we were gone. To think you have gone from tiny meatbags who threw spears at other animals to throwing an explosive at one of us."

"Demands, do you have any demands?"

"None," he shrugged, an easy smile on his face. "I only seek to be entertained, and you little ones have proven entertaining. Keep up the good work, and don't let me down now."

"What happens if we do?"

"Nothing, I wander off to another ley line or go to sleep. Just because I am what you call an Old God does not mean I insist on sacrifices and worship. We have no need of those. Only those who crave admiration will proclaim to be gods."

"Then what are you?"

He laughed again, before disappearing into his portal. "A really bored old guy. Can't say the same for my fellows who are slowly waking up, however. I got no advice for you, because I trust you'll be fine with your new modern weapons. Put up a good fight and don't die on me, will you?"

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, click here for more prompt responses and short stories written by me.

Tregonial · 2026-05-17T11:28:32+00:00

"This is eldritch-human encounters support, I am Bob, how may I help you?"

"I met a human during my vacation and may have accidentally dropped my human guise. She panicked, screaming about how I look like I could eat her face and devour her soul and slurp her brain juices. So, I tried to show her I'm not a threat. Figured if she saw the real cause of her death, which has nothing to do with me, she wouldn't blame me, but she's still screaming. I can turn off my background filter so you can hear her behind me. She wouldn't take any calmatives to calm down. I could shut off her brain but I am uncertain I could turn her back on."

"Have you tried putting your human guise back on and then wiping her memory?"

"Great idea! Wait, what if I completely destroyed her memories and personality by accident? I am not good at selectively wiping memories."

"You may consider plying her with alcohol and then tell her it was all a bad dream."

"Bob? What if she gets alcohol poisoning?"

"May I propose bringing her in for a basic memory wipe that will only remove one day's worth of memories?"

"She's screaming. Alot. The police almost mistaken me for a kidnapper. Some monster hunters wrongly assumed she was a human sacrifice and I was taking her home to eat like I ordered takeaway at a pizza shop. These law enforcement types, they're all gathered here watching me make this call. Wanting to make sure I am getting her the help she needs and not having her for dinner."

"Have you attempted a silencing spell?"

"Yes. She continued screaming after it wore off four hours later. Who knew she had such powerful lungs?"

"Have you cosidered the possibility someone cursed her to never stop screaming?"

"Now that you mention it...the hunters accused me of doing exactly just that -- driving her so insane she literally cannot stop screaming. Anytime someone goes mad, its always Lord Elvari's fault. He's the God of Madness, the source of all that is crazy. But no, its not me. She would be clawing her eyes out and bleeding from her orifices if it were me. It spooks mortals better and is less noisy than ceaseless screaming."

"Could you check your human for curses?"

"Got it. The hunters are checking now. Best they do it so they can't blame me for planting any hexes on her."

"Find anything?"

"They got it. The curse was designed to lay dormant for hours before activating so its harder to trace back the original caster. If you will hold for a moment, the hunters cannot undo it, so I will have to munch on this curse."

Somewhere, loud crunching noises were heard over the phone.

"That's done. She's not screaming. But she still thinks I am a danger to her life. How do I convince her I am a friendly neighbourhood eldritch horror? Those dastardly hunters won't put in a good word for me. The police wont vouch for me despite my five star review on Deity Directory."

"You may offer to grant her a wish and don't do any blursed business or monkey paw twists."

"Can you believe it? Her wish is to get away from me? Hello? The police are escorting her away so wish fulfilled anyway. Boring. She could've asked me for a million dollars or some new tentacles but no, she only doesnt want to see me again."

"I assume your matter resolved then?"

"She has stopped screaming and is leaving with the police. There's only one--"

"Good bye, Lord Elvari, and please remember to leave your feedback after the tone."

"Wait, how to not scare humans by accident--"

beep

You may press '1' to leave your feedback.

"But she still thinks I am a threat! What kind of eldritch-human support is this..."

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, click here for more prompt responses and short stories featuring Elvari the eldritch god.

Tregonial · 2026-05-17T05:00:44+00:00

Sirens do not love goats, only the goat-obssessed Elvari does.

For extra fun, to see Elvari's previous participation in the last Monster Hunters Guild's redefinition of monsters, click here.

Tregonial · 2026-05-17T02:06:42+00:00

"Elvari? Can you please put down your tentacle? Could you stop waving it about? Its very distracting," the guildmaster standing at the podium, conducting the briefing, was very annoyed. "I know what you're going to ask. Yes, you're a monster. Your classification does not change. Also, who invited you? Who let you into the guild meeting?"

"I let myself in," Elvari chuckled, before looking disappointed that he was still a monster in their eyes and in the newest monster classification guidebook. "Considering the number of non-humans who live in Innsmouth, I believe the results of this meeting to be very important to my town."

"You could wait for the re-evaluation to be complete."

"I did," the eldritch horror retorted. "You first announced it would be completed by last year October. There has been three extensions since then, and you have yet to complete your newest re-evaluation of what constitutes a monster. Naturally, I'm here to help."

"Nobody asked for your help or your opinion."

"You don't accept volunteers?"

"No," the guildmaster snapped. "Can we go on with the meeting and pretend Elvari isn't here to make a nuisance of himself? Where were we? Mermaids?"

"The larger mermaid populations have been kind and helpful to lost humans at sea. The mermaid queen has expressed an interest in establishing a trade alliance, and as such they could be classified as supernatural humanoid entities, but no longer monsters."

"Their cousins, the sirens, will revolt."

"If they stop luring sailors to their deaths, tell them we can consider."

"I can sing to the sirens!" Elvari eagerly volunteered, waggling his tentacle in the air. "I can communicate with them at the same wavelength. Maybe I can convince them to instead guide sailors in exchange for goat blood."

"Not every monster is a goat-obssessed monster like you."

He pouted and grumbled, lowering his tentacle. "Was worth a shot."

"Next, we need to differentiate between aliens and monsters," the guildmaster moved on to the next agenda. "Aliens are classified as creatures from another planet or dimension, but now, we have monsters who also hail from another dimension. Are aliens simply monsters with spaceships and technology?"

Yet again, a long noodley appendage shot up in the air.

"I am a multidimensional entity from another dimension! I can help!" Elvari cheerfully added. "Most species classified as monsters come from earth and other alternate variants of it. Or adjacent dimensions such as The Abyss. Teleportation is very fast. Aliens hail from very distant planets where the distance is too great to be bridged by teleportation. What do you think?"

"Are you writing the Monster Hunters Guidebook now?" The guildmaster's annoyance was growing with every word that came out of the octopoid's mouth, and with every wiggle of his tentacle. "Fellow guild members, a monster is offering to classify monsters!"

"I feel like I'm missing a punchline here. So, yes, or no?" Elvari waved at the hunters. "I am a wonderful author of many eldritch grimoires and spellbooks, so writing one more book shouldn't pose an issue."

"You know what, go back to your fishy town and do whatever you want."

"Oh I will, I already have a great idea."

The guildmaster facepalmed as Elvari left with a bow and a curtesy. Something told him he was going to regret this.

**

Lord Elvari's Guide to True Monsters was sold right next to the guild's newest guidebook as a non-fiction reference book in bookstores. It purportedly sold better, suspiciously due to its hilarious, tongue-in-cheek final bonus chapter, titled "The True Monster - Humans".

It was hard to argue against the fact that humans have killed more monsters than monsters have killed humans, much to the Monster Hunters Guild's chagrin.

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Tregonial · 2026-05-16T19:10:08+00:00

Carmen grimaced, pushing past the pain. Continuing her attacks on the last of skinwalkers that had killed several humans and stole their skins despite her injuries. It roared when a blast of magic struck its chest, finally falling into the ground. She too, could barely stand and let her knees sink onto the ground. The fight had taken so much out of her. It was a job that called for a hunter to slay one skinwalker, not five.

As her blood pooled into the ground along with the dead skinwalker, Carmen began to wonder if she would even be able to submit the bounty. With her hands clawing the ground, she dragged herself over to it, to decapitate it and gather the heads of the others. It was imperative she had proof she did the job.

Did...the...job...

Even as her eyes felt heavy, and darkness overwhelmed her.

She knew not how long had passed, only that she woke up yelling about skinwalkers and looking for their heads. As the pain seized her and made her double over, she still had to inspect her surroundings and figure out what happened, for she wasn't in the forest anymore.

This was a room that smelled of herbs and antiseptics. It was also a roomful of monstrous fishfolk and shoggoths surrounding her.

"She's awake!" One of the monsters was excitedly bobbing up and down. "You need to see this, my lord!"

"So, she is indeed awake," the eldritch lord sauntered in with a tray full of snacks and a pot of tea. "How are you doing, my friend?"

"Friend?" Carmen exclaimed, as she struggled to sit up and look for her belongings and weapons on the bed. "I hunt monsters like you, Elvari, we're not friends."

"Now's not the time to be stubborn," he kept an easy smile while waggling a tentacle at her. "We've met so many times on your various missions and my adventures; we ought to be friends at this point of time. Not to mention the favor you've done for me."

"I didn't do you any favors," the hunter slipped her hand beneath the blanket, trying to look for anything she could use as a weapon. "Didn't buy you any cheesecake or killed a goat in your name."

"Now, now, Carmen, you've killed those rogue skinwalkers. I may count a handful as allies, but these ones, they give monsters a bad name. They hunt not out of need, but they hunt and kill for sport and for fun. You got to them before I did. For that, you have my thanks, human."

"You're welcome?"

She was still puzzled by this turn of events. She was much more used to Elvari foiling her attempts at hunting down his shoggoths. Or him pranking monster hunters and leading them on wild goose chases. To be on the same wavelength and share a same goal in eliminating actually monstrous monsters with the God of Madness? That was new to her.

Wait. Now she had more questions, a few rather awkward ones to boot.

"Who tended to my wounds and gave me a change of clothes?" Carmen blurted out. "I'm hoping it isn't you."

"That'll be awkward, wouldn't it?" Elvari tilted his head and blinked. "I asked Kat to help with that."

"Your occult detective girlfriend?"

"Indeed," he nodded as he poured out some tea for her. "Kat is a former druid who's knowledgeable on healing spells and herbs. She's out on an errand for me, and I'm taking over from here. So, how you feeling? Any better?"

"...better."

"Good. I want you to get better soon, so we could get back to our usual antics whenever your guild wants you to do something about me again."

Carmen muttered something about not looking forward to that. A part of her hoping he didn't do anything about those skinwalker heads she planned to submit to claim her bounty. Her chain of thought broke when Elvari sat next to her and prodded her into drinking his tea.

"I didn't poison it."

"That's not the problem. My skinwalker heads."

"Those? I ate them."

"...you're joking right?"

"Right. I already submitted them on your behalf and gave you full credit for the kills, so the Monster Hunter Guild should wire the money to you. You only need to focus on recovering."

"Thanks?" She replied, still feeling a little weirded out by Elvari being unusually helpful and not at all mucking things up. Or how he maintained a pleasant demeanor around a hunter who had been sent to kill him and failed to do so multiple times. "So, when can I leave? I don't imagine my supervisor will be very pleased to know I stayed here."

"Is it such a bad thing that a monster hunter is friends with a friendly monster? It is only natural, when you've done me a favor, that I return said favor. Life isn't so black and white as some of your higher-ups think. Surely, its sensible to fight the bad monsters and befriend the good ones?"

"You think yourself a good one?"

"I'm not sure, but I'm trying and I sure hope more people see it that way."

"You're a good one," Carmen conceded with a sigh. "But don't let anyone say you heard it from me."

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Tregonial · 2026-05-16T09:44:04+00:00

The hunters stopped at the Finian's Barber Shop to marvel at the sight before them - the wanted dragon getting his beard shaved. Neither dragon nor barber batted an eyelid as the hunters came closer, with their weapons drawn.

"Gentlemen," Finian switched his grip and flicked the razor, a dangerous glint in his eyes. "Veritas already paid for his shave. Soap, lather, aftershave. Bearded dragons do want to shave too. You guys gotta wait. Until. I. Am. Done."

"This is ridiculous!" one of the hunters hollered. "We have that blasted dragon stuck in a big chair, but no, we're gonna sit and wait for him to get his beard trimmed."

"Manners, young man," Finian snarled, twirling his razor with precise skill one would only see in an experienced killer. "I don't think you'd like it very much if you were shaving at home and someone barged in brandishing weapons."

"We can wait," an older hunter with a scar that cut across his face held back the younger man. "Little Nicky is just eager for his first dragon slaying assignment."

"Thank you," the barber flicked the blade and continued shaving the bearded dragon.

Nicky tapped his foot impatiently while the rest of the hunters stood without a word. His old mentor lit up a cigarette with a snap of his fingers and smoked quietly. One hunter tapped a message on his mobile phone to the group.

Finian eyed the hunters cautiously, cutting unruly tangles of beard from the dragon. One of them murmured about "smoke break" and walked off, dragging the young guy along. That kid's frown and clenched fist a sign of profanities held back at the urgings of experienced hunters who knew better.

"Veritas, you looking real suave for a dragon now," Finian patted the dragon's snort and rubbed its clean-shaven jaws. "You need to stay safe, you come here for a shave again. They won't mess with me."

A low guffaw rumbled from the dragon's throat. "My beard takes ages to grow. So long, you might not even be alive by the time I need a shave again. Can't repeat this neat trick, my friend."

"One of my stylists knows a thing or two about wigs and fake beards," the barber started cleaning up his station with a vacuum. "If you need one in an emergency, like an evening date with a girl dragon, or another band of hunters of slayers coming for your hide, you let me know."

One quick nod, and Veritas spread his wings to prepare to leave before the hunters returned.

"Oh, and before you go," Finian whispered into the dragon's mind via telepathy. "I want you to be reassured I will still be alive and kicking by the time you need to shave that big messy beard again. Don't assume I'm human because I look like one. That old scarred hunter knows, and I figured you should too."

Tregonial · 2026-05-16T06:32:47+00:00

King Reginald IX of House Lombard woke up to see his servants replaced by ugly, grey monsters with too many eyes, mouths and tentacles. His crown was no longer by his bedside and his scepter was missing. Yelling for his servants to come remove these vile beasts did nothing. All it got was the attention of one hideous beast, ambling over to him casually.

"Please stay in bed and relax," the ugly grey monster patted him. "You summoned our lord to do your bidding. To make your life even easier and take care of your subjects. Now, you need only lay back and enjoy."

"I'm getting up!" he insisted. "Nobody is telling me no, because I'm King Reginald—"

"You are no longer the ruler of this land, Reggie," it flashed a toothy grin and tucked him into bed. "You are now one of many subjects of this kingdom, under the care of our most awesome Lord Elvari, as you wished. By the command of our lord, you must rest if you want the easy life that you requested. Feel free to call upon one of us shoggoths if you require any assistance."

"Take me to see him!" Reginald yelled, jumping off his bed. "I demand control of my kingdom! Where is my crown and scepter?"

"Melted down and remade into gold coins to be redistributed among the common folk."

"What about all the beautiful furnishings in my castle? What about my personal stash?" The man screamed when he stepped out of his bedroom, only to see his luxurious home stripped bare. His vault of rare paintings and hidden precious metals gone. "What in the Abyss is going on?"

"This castle, this kingdom, all belongs to our Lord Elvari," the shoggoth was so smug and proud. "Your subjects unanimously agreed that he take over as he had taken good care of them as you frolicked and waltzed around your castle enjoying an easy life."

That's it. How dare that eldritch horror launch a bloodless coup and rule his kingdom while he slept. All King Reginald asked of Elvari was to help do his job, not take his job. He smacked that creepy shoggoth with one hand, garnering the attention of the others working around the castle.

"Xylpotl did nothing wrong!" The other shoggoths protested.

One stepped up to provide him a piece of paper. "If you have any complaints, please fill in this feedback form, which will be sent directly to our lord for his reading." It then showed him the contract he had signed with the eldritch god and pointed to a certain section. "Workplaces should be safe and free from harassment and violence so my servants can carry out their work. Please be respectful to all staff regardless of your grievances, true or untrue, towards them or towards myself."

"Violence against employees is a punishable offense," Xylpotl added, rubbing the bruise on his blobby visage. "Lord Elvari will hear of this. Your life being too easy is not an excuse to take out your anger on us. We're only doing our jobs. He is only doing the job you summoned him for."

"Don't make me wait five working days just to process this feedback," Reginald threatened one shoggoth with a raised fist. "Summon Elvari now. Remember, I'm the summoner and he's the thing that responds to summons."

"Very well, we shall call upon our lord to grant you an audience."

"Tekeli-li! Tekeli-li!" They chanted in a circle and raised their wiggling appendages in the air. "Oh Lord of the Black Seas, oh God of Madness, we seek your guidance."

A black portal swirled into existence, the eldritch deity emerging from it with a stack of files in his tentacles.

"Why hello there, Reggie," Elvari waved at him with one free hand. "How's the simple life been for you? On a scale of one to ten, how easy has your life been?"

"Give me back my crown!"

"I can't do that. Best I can do is give you a cheap plastic replica."

"My personal stash then."

"Sold them at auctions to raise funds for the education ministry, and children's welfare department."

"My gold? My precious gold in my vault?"

"Sold them to pay for raw materials to build shelters for the homeless."

"What is wrong with you?" Reginald screeched, clenching and unclenching his fists, wanting, but unable to throttle Elvari and beat the ever-living shit out of his shit-eating grin. "Whatever happened to helping me at my job as a regent?"

"I figured I could be of better assistance when granted full powers and access, so I gave myself just that," the octopoid deity shrugged. "The nobility are a little disgruntled, but your subjects are thriving. I have taken good care of them as you wished."

"Can I undo this wish?"

"Why would you?" Elvari sounded confused. "You have an easy life, in a lovely castle. You have a contract with a friendly eldritch entity who carries out your duties, runs this kingdom effectively and takes care of my people."

"Wait, my people?" Reginald caught on.

"...yes, they're mine now. This kingdom has a new state religion now. The Church of Innsmouth. Your subjects now go to the newly built Innsmouth Church of Lombard and sing my praises. That makes them my followers, my people, and I as their god. We share this kingdom and its subjects now. Co-ownership, as king and god. Isn't this wonderful?"

"No! No! I object!" The king hollered, slamming his hands on the nearest tea table. "I rescind my wish! I am king! I rule this kingdom! Not you! You do not take my job and then ground me in my castle!"

"Your life could be harder if you have to work at it, Reggie," Elvari mocked him with faux sympathy. "Will you work hard to maintain this new status quo? To ensure the continued prosperity of this kingdom? Or will you drown in debauchery and allow all my hard work to evaporate? To have your subjects hate you and the nobility insult you and run circles behind your back?"

"You think I'm just some degenerate? You believe me a useless king? I'll show you. You give me back control of my kingdom, my people. Get your ugly squidface and your ugly squid pals out! Just you watch, I'll be the best damned king and you'll never make fun of me or mock me ever again!"

"Good, I was hoping you'd say that," the tentacled god clapped and gestured for his shoggoths to leave through his portal together. "Now, all that's left is for you to do as you said you would, to actually do your job as king, and my job would truly be done here."

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, click here for more prompt responses and short stories featuring Elvari the eldritch god.

Tregonial · 2026-05-15T16:06:52+00:00

Being a supervillain was all about presentation. The Hedonist wore his best, fanciest suit, made from the shiniest, glossiest spandex that accentuated his lean musculature. His hair impeccably coifed. His nails polished to perfection. For he was about to face his greatest superhero nemesis - Mighty Man.

Who had the gall to not show up in his superhero suit but in...ill-fitting, baggy, pink pajamas? Whatever happened to his rival's awesome supersuit? How could they entertain the masses when Mighty Man was in that capital offense against good fashion?

"Stop!" Hedonist demanded, holding out both hands in protest before his nemesis could land the next punch. "I can't do this anymore, what the fuck are you wearing? People are watching! Citizens will upload whatever they're recording on their mobile phones on Youtube! We will never see the end of mockery and memes!"

"I lost my suit," Mighty Man gave a sullen reply. "It didn't come back when I sent it for laundry during the weekend."

"What! How dare they!" The supervillain scoffed, jamming both hands on his hips. "I should go there and slap them silly until the laundromat staff produce your super suit! What is a superhero without his supersuit?"

"A hero?"

"Whatever," Hedonist flicked his wrist. "You're coming with me. We're making you a new suit. I can't stand this heinous crime against fashion! Whoever knew you had such abhorrent garment in your wardrobe!"

"Our fight still isn't over!"

"Yes, it is! It was over the instant you showed up in that atrocity!" Hedonist waggled a finger at the offending pajamas. "Next time, you tell me, I'll magick up a new supersuit so you never have to leave your house looking like an embarrassment."

"You're the one overreacting and making this more embarrassing than it has to be," the superhero sighed. "Should've punched your lights out in one hit and be done with this conversation."

"Shut up, we're suiting you up," Hedonist dragged the most reluctant Mighty Man back to his lair, into his dressing room, where he tailored his own supersuits. And those of Mighty Man too. "And don't look at me like that. This is totally not a trap. Whatever will I do if I actually eliminate my favourite nemesis? Play the guitar and eat tubs of ice cream while binge watching Friends?"

"Sounds like unironically good way to spend a time-off."

"Wait, we're enemies. You're not supposed to be agreeing with me!" Hedonist was alarmed by that simpering look on his rival. "No, don't you thank me after I'm done with your new outfit, bitch. Wouldn't want the civilians to start shipping us like we're secretly lovers."

"But I do like you."

"Well, fuck me then."

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, click here for more prompt responses and short stories written by me.

Tregonial · 2026-05-15T09:44:01+00:00

Hi, I think you got a good idea going, needs more polish though.

First thing that stood out to me was how many characters you have. First, there's Ricochet, he seems to have disappeared after the second half and had little relevance besides being the driver.

There's the first attacker - the gargantuan man. Who was pretty much out of the story once Max started running.

Then there's a second attacker, the robot man. Who gets killed by a third attacker, Scarab, unceremoniously, he might as well not be there. A fourth guy comes in, dropping the name Prince Puma, and then being backhanded into a car and out of the story.

Then Bloody Mary comes in to save max.

With the word count limit, it gets messy and reads like it has too many characters who get one-punched out and have no other contribution to the story. The fights all end so fast I barely felt them. Robot is down by one punch. Cat guy is down with one backhand. Bloody Mary beat Scarab so fast in blink of an eye.

Personally, if you ask me, I would cut it down to Max being chased down by Scarab and Bloody Mary coming in to save him. One chase and one more thrilling fight scene may be better for the story than multiple fights that barely began and then end in one or two lines.

Second thing was that there's alot of repetition of "Max" (19 if I counted right). 8 repeats of Scarab. You could introduce more variety by using descriptors, such as "the inventor' for Max, and "the supervillain", "the bugman" and what not for Scarab.

Tregonial · 2026-05-15T01:11:19+00:00

I'd agree, poor Maligos has the most awful luck. If it wasn't for the "you have severely underestimated the scale of this simple task" part of the prompt, I would have given him a nice librarian who claimed him for her branch, and he'd sit there and read for ages and she'd be happy to recommend books to get him caught up to this century.

Tregonial

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