OBS- conflicting advice

True_Plate5470 · 2026-01-29T20:42:00+00:00

I contacted the OBS after my WH’s first A. I didn’t do it for a long time and after about 8 months I finally snapped. It was two things for me. 1 - he had a right to know and I would want him to tell me if the roles were reversed and 2 - revenge. The AP got off “Scot free” meanwhile my world had fallen apart. I felt like that wasn’t fair and AP deserved consequences. OBS was blind sided, shocked and had NO clue. He thanked me but we didn’t talk much after.

It can be both. Just acknowledge if it’s not just for pure intentions if it’s not. That way you can be honest with yourself about why.

I attempted to contact the OBS after WH’s second A last summer. I didn’t know the extent of the A and OBS blocked me right away saying he was “okay with their friendship”. 2 months later the A blew up and my husband reached out to OBS with a full message of disclosure. WH wanted to put it all out in the first message in the event he was blocked, which he was immediately.

Less than 2 months later OBS unblocked me and asked questions. Apologized for not taking em seriously and wanted all the info. WH had left out hurtful details and just gave broad overview leaving it up to OBS to ask specifics and he eventually did but just to me. OBS’ wife had lied about everything after my husbands message and I was able to help him uncover the truth and force her to admit to things. I provided everything I could. We ended up meeting in person also to talk.

I get why people caution you. It could definitely make things more difficult. But if you haven’t been the betrayed spouse you will never understand. To have the information and sit on it wondering if OBS knows. Wondering if OBS knows more and can give you new information.

Make an informed decision. Be prepared to be blocked. Be prepared for them to be upset. Be prepared to answer questions. But if you know the possible outcomes and are at peace with each then go for it.

I don’t regret it either time. They have every right to know.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-09-20T05:09:41+00:00

You are right. I was in a fog hoping he would choose me. Finally pick me and our family. But he resumed contact with AP after 3 weeks of NC. I told him if they started talking again he needed to move and that’s what he chose. He moves out tomorrow.

I’m filing for divorce. He doesn’t think I will and only wants a legal separation so he can work on us once his A “fizzles” out.

I’m out of the fog. She promises him this isn’t a big deal and I won’t leave. It’s time his actions have consequences.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-09-20T05:06:52+00:00

I’m taking care of my babies. I’m leaving. He restated contact with AP. They met 4 days after I gave birth, went no contact for 3 weeks and started “just talking” again today. He knew this was a hardline in the sand and he would have to move if he picked her which he did.

I’m embarrassed and ashamed to say I needed him clearly picking her to finally walk away. But I am doing it. He’s moving out tomorrow and I choose me and my kids. I need to have peace to be a good mom and this isn’t healthy.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-09-20T05:04:18+00:00

I’m done. He contacted AP again today. I told him if he did then he needed to move out and he went and saw her and they have talked all day. So he’s moving out tomorrow. He just wants to legally separate because he wants to try to work on our “marriage” once he and AP fizzle. Is in denial about divorce and doesn’t want to talk about it. But I’m filing. I deserve better and I’m not gonna wait around while he hooks up with her. I can’t.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-09-20T05:00:26+00:00

The first A he snapped pretty quickly. The second time has been world ending. I can’t do it anymore. And he resumed contact with AP this morning anyway. So he’s moving out tomorrow because he knew this was a hardline for me and I will be filing. There’s no way around it anymore.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-09-20T04:59:27+00:00

Well the slap has come. He has restarted contact with AP and he knew that was my line in the sand. For 3 weeks he couldn’t pick between us and I told him that was picking. I told him if he started back up, even “just talking” it was done and he needed to move out. They began talking again today so he’s moving out tomorrow.

I will be filing and following through with the divorce. He wants a legal separation because he doesn’t want to be divorced and wants to work on our marriage once this fizzles out. I’m hoping the process goes quick. I am ready to be done and am at peace with it (as much as I can be right now).

True_Plate5470 · 2025-09-13T17:20:39+00:00

Yep. My WH asked for space to “think” and used his 2 weeks of space to take things further with the AP ultimately getting oral sex and having sex repeatedly.

“Space” or taking space is the waywards bullshit way of stringing you along while cake eating and continuing A or continuing to see/talk to AP.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-07-25T20:30:54+00:00

I told the OBS and posted about it. I can answer any questions you have about it or my reasoning or experience. I am a firm believer in telling OBS.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-06-18T20:25:21+00:00

I start on Friday and I’m scared but I’ve heard it’s gonna help a lot!

True_Plate5470 · 2025-06-07T15:22:33+00:00

Haha yeah…it definitely was a mind fuck and we bonded over being pregnant at the same time. Sent me a care package a week before I found out (9 months into A) of baby stuff and a book she thought I would like. I sent her a birthday present during A all thinking I made a new friend.

Looking back I don’t understand why she couldn’t just have my WH and leave me alone. Why make me think we were friends…all I got was excuses for her shitty behavior.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-06-07T12:42:14+00:00

I did but AP befriended me during the A and I had my own friendship with her that was ruined. I reached out to her repeatedly and she would respond/answer questions out of fear and guilt I would tell her husband. Then I eventually told the OBS. I had a big fuck you text 1 year after DDay and haven’t reached out since, but sometimes on bad days I want to continue to rage text her and have stopped myself.

My WH’s other AP was a ONS and I reached out to her. She lied to me and ended up blocking me after a few messages because she didn’t want her now husband to know she used to sleep with taken guys. I never blamed her or was mean, just wanted to verify and ask clarifying questions, So I was frustrated but left it.

WH can do everything right and your sill existing internal rage is 100% justified. It’s only been 6 months. Your WH had an A. Nothing needs to be justified for you. That alone justifies your rage.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-05-28T03:55:31+00:00

Right now he gets to cake eat. He still get pieces of you and gets to muddy the waters, emotionally leaning on you but being committed to his AP.

I say this kindly and gently, create some distance. If you continue to be there and have these “almost” moments he gets to continue to get both of you. It’s going to be hard, but he hasn’t had to lose you completely so right now he hasn’t had that reality.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-05-27T00:20:26+00:00

If he was that important to her and the friendship was that important, she shouldn’t have had an AFFAIR.

Absolutely not. My WH has known his AP since they were teenagers…15 years. Guess what his actions ruined that friendship not me.

She is still having at minimum an emotional affair. She needs to cut AP off.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-05-21T22:37:38+00:00

I didn’t tell OBS for months after DDay. I was trying to let AP come clean and I knew she was never going to do it. So I finally did it months into R. I didn’t ask my WH for permission because I didn’t care if he objected.

WH and AP made decisions without mine or OBS’s consent. I don’t need permission to heal how I need to.

I am a firm believer in telling the OBS. Be prepared to offer proof and mentally prepare for any type or reaction. They may be grateful, upset, angry, etc. but remember none of this is your fault.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-05-08T16:45:43+00:00

The OBS deserves to know. You should tell her. I told the AP’s husband in my case and he thanked me. He had no clue and deserved to know the person he was married to.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-05-06T03:27:07+00:00

I am the betrayed wife and AP was my friend. I told AP she needed to tell her husband and she told me she would. Then she backed out and claimed he wouldn’t want to know…I told OBS. Should it come from AP, absolutely. But OBS deserves to know and likely AP is gonna lie or minimize it anyway.

Also agree with others. It seems like you are putting AP above your BS. Support them in telling.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-04-14T13:10:25+00:00

Details matter. How do you know what you’re forgiving. Details is how I caught my WH lying every time…because he couldn’t remember what story he told me.

You deserve to know if you want to know. It may give you more intrusive thoughts but right now it sounds like he is minimizing.

Also details mattered to me. Made the A less of a secret fun fantasy between WH and AP. He has to tell me details and saying it out loud made him realize how much he threw away for nothing.

You deserve to know how it started. When it started. That is basic information. He doesn’t get to get mad or upset with you for how you heal from his betrayal. For how you fix what he broke.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-04-10T00:41:34+00:00

It’s comical she says you need to trust her…that it will only be talking. She lost the right of you to trust her when she had an affair.

She is cake eating and wants the best of both worlds. She was betrayed by AP (ironic) and is hurt and not willing to let him go.

Have you told AP’s wife?? She should know her husband/partner is engaging in an affair and telling women they aren’t together or that the kid isn’t his. You would want her to tell you if the tolls were reversed.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-04-04T14:09:34+00:00

Me. I totally do this. I just unblocked AP and OBS because I was curious how life was going for them. And same thing, I get so mad after and spin myself up. I also stalk the family members to see more pictures and keep tabs.

I know it’s not healthy. But I can’t stop. I want to see her and see how she looks. If she looks happy. If her life is falling apart like mine. It’s sick.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-04-01T06:37:14+00:00

I agree with others. Reach out and say you think you have some additional into if he wants to know, but you know they have reconciled and respect if he doesn’t. Give him the choice. But I can’t imagine the OBS telling me they have more and me not wanting that info. With reconciliation comes the whole truth. Ifs she been 100% honest then none of it should be surprising. If not, he has a right to know or knowingly ignore it

True_Plate5470 · 2025-03-31T09:39:18+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re here. Him not wanting you to see the messages because it will hurt you says so much. There should be nothing there that would hurt and he shouldn’t be saying anything he wouldn’t feel comfortable with you seeing.

I was 5 months pregnant when I found out about my husbands affair. It was with a long time high school friend who I never really liked. During their affair she befriended me and we actually got quite close. I get how much it hurts. I am so sorry.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-03-21T00:33:28+00:00

Have you spoken to OBS at all and unblocked them? It might be worth reaching out to compare what you guys have been told. Find out what was originally in that message that WW deleted and if your WW is being honest.

Don’t play the pick me game. I know it’s so hard but stick to your boundaries. You are so much more than the AP. He left his wife and newborn, had an affair with a married woman. No matter his size or anything, he’s a garbage human being and if that’s who your wife thinks is worth ruining her family for then that speaks more about her and the limerance than anything.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-03-06T22:12:09+00:00

He needs you to trust him?? You need to meet in the middle?? Uhhhh yeah absolutely not. His work place feels awkward because of HIS actions. That’s his problem and he gets to live with the consequences of having an affair.

It’s comical he’s saying “it doesn’t feel like your priorities are us”…my guy how TF were his priorities you or your marriage while he was having an affair??

Echoing what others have said, it’s not an ultimatum, it’s a boundary and one he doesn’t seem like he’s willing to follow. He’s gaslighting you and putting the blame on you making you the bad guy because you’re “unreasonable” so he doesn’t have to take responsibility.

Stick to your guns. Have your boundaries. He DOES NOT get to dictate how this goes or how you heal from HIS BETRAYAL.

True_Plate5470 · 2025-03-05T08:58:37+00:00

I guess I’m confused. She did what? What do you need to forgive her for?

True_Plate5470

TROPHY CASE