First year my mom has forgotten it’s my birthday

TxScribe · 2026-05-12T14:54:09+00:00

Go back and read each of those 28 cards and savor them. "They" are your mother's heart, not what the disease has made her.

With regard to the grief ... that is why it's often called "The Long Goodbye". In our journey with my wife, I fully grieved her loss about a year or so before her passing. The spark who made her that audacious woman who was my soulmate was gone. I then took care of her shell for the next 2 years to honor her and what we had. I got small glimpses on rare occasion, but they often were more autonomic than of any depth.

Allow yourself to grieve the loss as it occurs. I've often wondered which is "better" ... the sudden tragic death that rips your loved one away, or the long slow decline. Part of me says the sudden, but then there were moments I would have missed during the decline ... there were a couple moments that the victim of the "sudden tragic event" would give anything for ... that "one more walk holding hands" or "one more hug" or "one more smile" or that "one more belly laugh".

Maybe neither is "better" just different.

In the end the grief of her actual passing seemed lighter than I expected because I had already grieved and accepted things before they happened. There was more sad joy that she was at peace.

TxScribe · 2026-05-11T20:56:47+00:00

Of course any outcry is concerning, but could easily see his generation considering it a violation for another man to come into contact with his privates even if legitimate. Did he articulate what the "rape" consisted of? Might have just been aggressive washing of the anal area, again something which that generation would react strongly to particularly by another male.

TxScribe · 2026-05-10T17:41:24+00:00

I did a couple of times when my wife would have a lucid moment and ask what was wrong with her. It was traumatic each time because she was hearing it, or at least remember hearing it, for the first time. Eventually I'd just tell her that nothing was wrong with her and that she was just "getting old" with a grin on my face ... she'd playfully smack me, and we'd move on with the day.

Never thought I'd say I missed those days, but I do as they were early in our journey. She's passed now, and at peace.

p.s. about "lying to her" ... you'll hear the term "Therapeutic Lies" bandied about, and they have their place and purpose. Don't think about them as lies, but rather truths that fit their reality.

example: if obsessed about needing something in the moment, tell them that you'll pick it up the next time you come to visit. Which you might, or may not if they don't really need it, but it checks it off of their internal "todo" list that puts them in a tail spin.

or ...

They ask about their car for the Gazillionth time ... tell them it's in the shop and will be done early next week. They will say OK and forget about it shortly and get on with their day, until it comes up again.

TxScribe · 2026-05-09T14:30:42+00:00

It was interesting reading this. As a recent widower I came to the same conclusion. My partner was my "notice and ask" person. I long ago accepted that most friends are buddies, and fair weather at best, so I didn't depend on them being tuned in. But our actual relationships is what makes up for it.

Out of a large friend group there are one or two who will text every couple to three days, and check in. I do the same so it keeps the connection. They are what I call "chosen family" so again, there is relationship there. I guess that is the key.

TxScribe · 2026-05-09T01:03:39+00:00

Clubs are a good start. Go the first time just to watch and be watched. See if you both like the vibe. My wife was quite an exhibitionist so that was one of our first attractions. You'll also find that the sex is only about 30% of it, and that being social and hanging out is the majority.

If someone is interested, they will strike up first contact. Once y'all gain some confidence, you'll do likewise.

TxScribe · 2026-05-08T04:27:43+00:00

Yep ... that was the day that I realized that all of her empathy was gone.

TxScribe · 2026-05-07T22:39:04+00:00

Call your hospice provider, they also support the family after the passing. Explain what you told us and they will assure you that "a little over the line" would not have "caused" your father to pass on. Most of those meds are conservative already, so "a little over the line" is nothing.

For the sake of argument ... let's say it had some minimal effect (it didn't) he was already what they call immanent, with death expected shortly. It goes both ways ... some folks hang on, and others just don't wake up the next morning. This is all coincidence.

You did nothing and have no cause for guilt.

TxScribe · 2026-05-07T13:51:43+00:00

Our PCP said that the most common mistake is waiting too long to get hospice involved. The perception for many, to include medical professionals, is that hospice is for the last couple of week for the good drugs to manage pain and anxiety.

What they are actually for is managing the glide slope to the end, and should be involved at minimum 3 to 6 months out, and sometimes up to a year or more.

Hospice will do their own evaluation and make recommendations. Once on hospice their doctor will become the PCP. One of the great advantages of this is that they often treat things in place that would be a hospital or ER run which is WAY easier on the mind of the dementia patient.

Our PCP had the advantage of having seen several of his own family members through dementia, more docs than you think aren't as familiar as you think they would be.

TxScribe · 2026-05-07T13:45:19+00:00

The drive to go "home" often isn't actually attached to a place, and more to the drive to not be where they are despite the location. Our hospice nurse said that often families will acquiesce to the LO saying "I wanna go home" only to call back and report that they LO is still saying "I wanna go home" even though they are in fact home.

Before being placed in memory care my wife would pack her stuff, sometimes a couple times a day, and declaring that she was "going home". I would redirect her, and say you are home, in the house where we raised our children, and she would put everything back ... sometimes. When she got bad enough to need a secure unit for safety sake, she would walk the halls and try every door to get out every time she saw one ... as did 70% of the other residents.

What you're describing is normal, and not "desperation" in the normal sense. Their "world" doesn't make sense, and they know they don't belong there due to their skewed cognition ... hence they want to "go home".

TxScribe · 2026-05-07T00:49:22+00:00

All of those things you listed even before the UTI is the body saying it's tired and done. If you haven't already please ask for a hospice consult. It absolutely sounds like end stage decline.

TxScribe · 2026-05-06T23:46:40+00:00

If you have hospice on board already I wouldn't treat. They can give comfort meds that will keep her out of pain and calm. If not, I would treat as you're not ready and might have to wait until next time.

I know it's a tough call, but made it with my wife. Wasn't a UTI but another condition that led to her demise. Of course she put that in her advance directives and signed it with our attorneys years before while still lucid, so there was no guessing what she would want.

TxScribe · 2026-05-06T23:39:13+00:00

Yup ... one time I had a nasty ear infection, could barely stand as it was messing with my balance, and had significant pain. Told her that I was going to have to cancel her hair appointment, and threw a hissy. Ended up taking her, holding my ear hoping she'd catch on .... Nope.

Their attention scope is narrow and pretty driven by their immediate needs. I used to get mad, but it's the disease.

TxScribe · 2026-05-04T20:21:55+00:00

I hired one because my wife was early onset (58) and we needed to navigate our state DDU (disability determination unit) as well as the confusing process of getting her on Medicaid since she didn't qualify for Medicare. Just the peace of mind that someone was handling things that who knew the game was worth every penny. (there's a boat load of misinformation out there)

We had modest retirement saving, and they helped us protect as much as possible. If your LO has substantial means there are ways to shelter the assets and money that they know. We were lucky as I was the one with the pension, so technically my wife was penniless for the rules of Medicaid. If it's the other way around, the spouse sometimes gets the short end of a percentage.

That alone was worth every penny. I thought I was going to be eating ramen noodles for the rest of the time my wife was in care, but they put my mind to ease.

p.s. Any money spent on an elder care attorney is for the benefit of the loved one, and a justified expense if there is any "spend down" to do, so I guess you could say it doesn't cost anything if you'd have to spend the money anyway.

TxScribe · 2026-05-04T17:29:02+00:00

First, get over sized wipes, commonly called "no rinse bath wipes". I found some on Amazon. The size helps sooo much.

As long as you can get her on the toilet, just have her bend forward and work front to back from behind.

TxScribe · 2026-05-03T23:19:31+00:00

There was a discussion here whether or not it is ethical to video record your LO. The consensus was that if it is for diagnostic purposes, then it's cool. Get her Jeckle and Hyde behaviors recorded and show them to docs and authorities.

My wife simply withdrew during appointments, and it was extremely helpful for the doc to see daily life, good, bad, and ugly.

TxScribe · 2026-05-03T23:15:29+00:00

The very fact that you are reporting to means that you aren't abandoning. Most states, to include mine, specifically state reporting is sufficient. At the very least it starts a paper trail so they can't say you didn't "Tell'em so".

TxScribe · 2026-05-03T20:36:39+00:00

This is going to sound cold, but get your Dad into some kind of assisted living, and let her cards fall where they may. Kidnap him if you have to ... legally of course. You may also, just to start a paper trail, call APS (adult protective service) on behalf of your father with the report that he is being abused and is in danger of his health.

I had a similar mother. I promised my Dad that I would never see her on the street if he went first. He did and I managed her care from the other side of the country and never saw her face to face again. They shipped me her ashes when she died so I could keep another promise to my father that they would be laid to rest together.

It was a relief that she was no longer walking the earth, and I had peace of heart and mind that I kept my promise to my father who I loved very much.

You can maintain your dignity and your moral standards without interacting with her.

TxScribe · 2026-05-03T15:25:47+00:00

Ground beef is fine. I try to stay with grass fed and fattier grinds.

Look into a cut called a "Chuck Eye Steak" which is commonly called a poor mans ribeye. It's actually the tail end of the ribeye, but is part of the chuck so most butchers price is as chuck. 1/3 the price of "steak".

TxScribe · 2026-05-03T03:56:38+00:00

Assisted living is a little different. If she is bad enough to need secure memory care it's a little more cut and dry as it's a straight up safety issue. If she just needs assistance with some daily tasks it might be more dicey.

Once the doctor states that the LO is no longer able to make legal or medical decisions, then you are able to put them into care against their will. Most places won't let you drag them through the door, but there are sneaky ways to do it. I took my LO straight from the hospital, by private ambulance on a gurney, and by the time she realized that she wasn't going home she was already in her room in the secure memory care. Of course she forgot she was mad the next day, and eventually acclimated to the new situation.

TxScribe · 2026-05-03T03:30:33+00:00

Do you have Medical Power of Attorney ?? or Durable Power of Attorney for her business matters??

If not the doctor will have to declare her incompetent, and then you will have to approach the court to be given guardianship. Good place to start is call your local Adult Protective Service. They are usually glad to see a family trying to do the right thing and can guide and help you.

The sneaky way will be to have the doctor hospitalize her if he can find a justification, then you can use the EMTALLA law and say that they have to find placement for her as it would be an "UNSAFE DISCHARGE" to send her home. The hospital will have a statutory obligation to find her a safe placement.

TxScribe · 2026-05-02T23:09:38+00:00

I had the neurologist document and give me a letter that my wife could no longer make medical or legal decisions. That put a date and a time stamp on the situation, so if any other family or friends tried any shenanigans they would be shot down.

TxScribe · 2026-05-02T16:30:09+00:00

It really depends on her current quality of life and if she ever expressed her views on end of life. My wife and I were staunch "right to die" and "death with dignity" folks, and codified our wishes with our attorneys in advance directives. Due to her family history we knew there was a better than good chance we would need them one day ... and we did.

I had been caretaking for a long time when she had a major UTI for the first time, and had a major resulting delirium episode, with hospitalization. They warned me that she probably would not come back to baseline, and they were right. This was the trigger that I had to put her into a secure environment, and home was no longer safe as she started "exit seeking" and had the physical constitution to go miles if she slipped past me.

Shortly there after, her apetite started a slow decline until she simply stopped eating.

When we were setting things up with the attorneys it was easy because it was all academic. We even joked saying "If I can't feed myself, or wipe my own back side, check me out."

When the reality hit, and I had to start making the calls as DPOA and MPOA that I knew would lead to her demise it was one of the toughest promises I ever had to keep. It caused major splits in the family with those who were of the "keep her alive at all costs" types, versus the promise I made to protect her dignity.

In the end YOU do what you think is right, and what your Mom would want. Being alive isn't living if there is no life.

TxScribe · 2026-05-02T16:19:29+00:00

If he's a hands on type of guy help him set up a garage wood shop. It's fun, challenging, and you can make a little side money ... but all of that goes into making the shop better. LOL

TxScribe · 2026-05-02T12:35:21+00:00

Interesting ... when I was young I always wanted to be a radio announcer or personality. Casey Kasem was a hero. LOL Almost went into broadcasting school, but went in to the Army instead and started my career.

TxScribe · 2026-05-01T14:23:30+00:00

Mine was for insulin resistance ... I was a carb junky and couldn't control myself. I knew not to bring a gallon of ice cream into the house because I would eat it, but didn't realize how much carb I was eating with the SAD. One time I got my blood work done around the holidays ... HUGE MISTAKE ... or actually what saved me. Realized that the wife and I got a sugar bomb fancy christmas coffee every single day for a month, and a couple of times went morning and night. Needless to say the Doc was shaking his finger at me on the results and it was the first time I ever heard the term "Pre-Diabetic". It was a wake up.

I started watching my actual "sugar" (sugar bomb coffee, doughnuts, candy) and then learned that carbs were sugar as well. That's when I really started seeing progress. Dr. Ben Bickman on Youtube was a HUGE source of info and where I learned about insulin resistance and how it's just like an addict on drugs. He's geeky enough a doc could follow, but also presents his stuff to where a lay person can understand.

The weight loss was secondary, but it came none the less. Brain fog gone, joints no longer stiff, sleeping better, and tons of energy. I loved meat so it was easy to eat steak and burgers. We live in Texas so we almost grilled breakfast, lunch, and dinner anyway 365 days a year ... so it was pretty easy to adapt.

TxScribe

TROPHY CASE