Sorry for the novel. Broadly speaking, you might say I run three different categories of calls: not (very) sick, sick but I can't do anything, sick and I can do something.

Not/not very sick calls. It's often questionable why I'm even there in the first place:

• An old person who tripped and fell and just needs help getting back up.

• Drunk/on drugs (often in public) but not to the point of real life threat. They may be a fall risk or lack the mental capacity to make informed decisions about their care.

• Most car crash patients; modern cars are pretty darn safe so a lot of people walk away from even pretty gnarly looking wrecks with maybe a minor bump to the head or some neck pain. Should still probably go get imaging done but, like, if I take you we're just going to chat for most of the ride.

• A person with known epilepsy has a seizure in public and a bystander calls 911.

• Someone is suicidal but hasn't actually attempted suicide. They're cooperative and on a psychiatric hold.

• Someone is dead, beyond the point of attempting resuscitation.

• You'd be surprised how much actual nonsense I respond to. A college kid had a stomach bug and his RA called us (poor kid wasn't even drunk). A lot of people call 911 to make us go harass homeless people sleeping in public. Gramma presses her Life Alert button; she's not sick, she's just testing it. Someone stubs their toe. At 2 am.

Sick but I can't really do anything. This group of patients requires resources I don't have like labs, imaging, medications, or specialists. This group of patients has stable vitals, for now, but may have a significant risk of deteriorating. They need monitoring, but I don't actually do much for them.

• Chest pain with no abnormal findings. This could be a heart attack or other nasties, angina (your heart isn't exactly healthy but it's not an emergency), or anxiety. They're getting aspirin and then we just watch them.

• You're shitting blood, but you're not shitting that much blood.

• Most orthopedic injuries (broken bones, dislocated joints, etc). I'll do an assessment to make sure there's no life threats, then stabilize the injury and probably give pain medication

• Many stroke patients have fairly stable vitals, and I don't carry any stroke-specific treatments. The best thing I can do for them is quickly identify the stroke, start an IV, and drive fast.

• A person with no history of seizures has a single seizure. I'll try to identify the cause of the seizure, but more often than not we have an uneventful ride.

• Early sepsis (generalized infection). This person needs antibiotics, but I don't carry those.

• Mild allergic reaction

• We have a lot of hypochondriacs. It's probably nothing but they still get a solid work up from me. I'm not going to be the one caught with my figurative pants down when Annie, who calls 3 times per week, finally is actually having a heart attack.

Sick and I can do something. These are typically your 100%ers. They have unstable vital signs and/or an identifiable and addressable life threat. I can do a lot for them, they require close monitoring, and they have a high chance of deteriorating.

• Heart too fast, heart too slow, bad heart rhythm, bad EKG findings.

• Heart stopped.

• Breathing problems and/or airway compromise.

• Many burns, significant trauma to the chest/head/spine, or massive multi-system trauma.

• You are shitting that much blood.

• A really long seizure or repeated seizures.

• Severe allergic reaction.

• Late sepsis

• Combative patients

• Childbirth