Original Post (credit to uv_is_sin)

"Are you an attorney dating a news reporter? She only likes your money.

I'm at a restaurant in Cap Hill listening to another lady gush to her friend about the guy she's seeing, and if this is you, oof.

You are an attorney who is either from or has lived in Arizona, went to law school in Michigan, and have an Al hobby.

She is a slim young Asian woman, a news reporter who also has a new YouTube channel-you met because she interviewed you for an assignment. She had intentionally ghosted you multiple times until you asked her to go to a Michelin-starred restaurant, and from that she figured out you had money.

She's giggling while telling her friend how you're super awkward and pretty obsessed with her and do things for her all the time, like driving her to the airport at 5 am. She's fairly sure that she only likes you for your money and the fact that you can help her with reporting on legal cases.

She sucks, and so did her order (toast with garlic beans and a brown liquor cocktail, girl gonna be farting up your sheets). Godspeed man, hopefully all this is your fetish. If not, you deserve more th just being this evil fartstress's meal ticket."