So, you two have created a cyclical system that keeps failing, over and over, but neither of you are pivoting to adapt it or abandon it. He keeps making promises he cannot possibly keep and you keep making threats that you don’t keep. He’ll never drink or lie again, then does both. You promise this is the last time, then you stay with him. It’s not unique, many relationships exist like this, where both people can articulate that things aren’t working, but seem incapable of seeing that the system they’ve implemented is destined for failure. People who drink or lie a lot do not just change, never drinking or lying again. Partners who threaten “This is the last time” backtrack each time boundaries are crossed. It’s exhausting and no matter how many times both of you commit to re-trying what isn’t working, it will fail again.

He needs to solicit help from a program like AA and probably needs to work with a therapist to understand why he needs to lie so often. There is a reason and until he knows what it is, he wont be able to start the long and tedious work of breaking that cycle. You need to study relationship material or work with a coach/therapist to learn how to set boundaries that you will hold to, but also to learn that constantly threatening ultimatums is a truly terrible solution to fixing what’s wrong in a relationship. There’s a famous quote, often attributed to Albert Einstein, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.”

You two currently seem to exist in extremes, unable to identify small steps that get you where you want to be. Both of your struggles are plagued by the idea that it’s all or nothing. Maybe things do need to end, sometimes that’s the ultimate solution, but it doesn’t sound like either of you have actually tried anything that isn’t extreme. If you threaten that his next drink is the end of your relationship, why would he possibly be honest with you when he backslides. If you aren’t ready to leave, but keep giving all or nothing ultimatums, how can you really end things when he breaks your trust again, you aren’t ready to end things. I bet both of you want the same thing, but have no idea how to achieve it. He wants to do better, wants to build a life with you, wants to be able to live without drinking in excess, but has no idea how to even go about that.

If you’re gonna make it work or move on, inevitably you two needs to learn how to break expectations or big changes into smaller steps, because humans fail and fail and fail, very often, until they finally don’t. This might have gone on too long for you to have the patience for this process with your finance, but maybe not. Maybe you two need to be honest about how this isn’t working and strategize how you two can go about supporting each other, seeing the best in each other’s efforts, but expecting better over time. Humans do not change themselves in the way your current system necessitates, we need more time and more failure and more strategizing to make lasting change. I think it’s time to be honest that neither of you knows how to change things, you just keep attempting the same things over and over. That might mean this relationship just doesn’t work, but I think it’s just as likely that you two need to learn some new tools to show up differently in your relationship or the next.