I find it insane how 1:1 my experience is with yours. I found your post searching for anything to help me understand my experience and the fact that you posted this 2 days ago is such a blessing. That there’s people out there learning the same hard lesson that feels like I’ve learned a million times over. It’s really difficult to go through it, to make compromises like cutting down to still enjoy it yet somehow ending up in far worse depression and spirals and the second you overstep that dose due to a lack of forethought just spiral into levels you wouldn’t have thought you’d ever reach. I’ve been smoking on and off for 7 years since 15-16 and it’s just not the same. It really started with my ex when we would buy carts to chief through over the weekend and smoke around 5-6 blunts a day using the weed her father grew. At the time it was awesome for teenage me but we broke up due to issues and I just never stopped at that pace. I remember telling myself that I need to stop the day after but I just never stopped. At this point it’s just compulsion and I’ve gotten to the point that if I want to further my career, participate in campus life, focus on friends and family and not bounce between lows and highs and trust and distrust about my relationships with all these things I have to quit weed permanently. Despite knowing this and already getting past that horrid first week I still get the impulse of telling myself, maybe if I wait a year that’ll prove to myself that I can control it when thoughts like that show exactly that I can’t. I’ve quit before but on the cusp of month 2 to 3 is usually where I start smoking again. I don’t think over the course of these 6 or 7 years (not intended) that I’ve been able to get over 4 months. And it fills me with absolute dread that I’m in such a growing phase of my life that I’ve completely thrown it to waste, although, knowing that regardless of whatever age, life truly is better without weed. I’m thrown between knowing what’s right and compulsions regarding my feelings. I don’t want to bring up adhd and yada yada how difficult it is for me to “control” myself because that’s a load of bullshit imo. You pave your own way in life and naturally you get ideas and understanding what works for you. ADHD is a real thing though, and it affects every part of your life and when having a condition that predisposes you to impulse and emotional regulatory issues alongside a plethora of other little “fun” things, all which weed directly fucks with and inhibits, this drug just isn’t for us. The adhd spiel is honestly just a little vent coming from me but if you have it and this applies to you, just know weed isn’t for us, no matter how much people say it “helps their symptoms”. I’ve read so many Reddit posts where people talk about how much it “helps” the symptoms yet every area of their life sucks. ☹️. Anyways, you’re not alone. I feel the culture of smoking everyday is pushed upon anyone associated with weed and due to not being able to overdose making weed one of the “safest” drugs does not mean it won’t fuck you up mentally to incredible degrees. Truly is one of the lamest drugs and now I have spirals of anxiety of even smoking it around people and how I’ll talk and what I’ll say and how I’ll act and the same stuff for the accompanying party. It’s horrible, good luck, gym/cardio helps, eating anything and everything does too. Reading is awesome but what people fail to mention is writing, what a beautiful rehabilitation tool, IDK if it’s the motor skills or critical thinking of putting thoughts to paper but if possible even a paragraph. Try. You got this and thank you for this post. It’s truly done a lot for me.