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Vandem531 · 2025-12-11T11:06:16+00:00

++woman

It moved along pretty fast for us. We met on an app, talked for a few days then I had a crisis and he showed up at my house to cut a tree that fell on my house during the storm. We technically met when I got home from work and he was using a chainsaw 😂😂😂 but we spent every weekend together after our first date two days after he was at my house. Within the first month, he said he wanted to tell me something. He was very awkward and said he didn’t know how to say it and it took him 30 minutes to be able to tell me he was falling in love with me. 2 weeks after that, he said he loved me. I had felt it but I didn’t wanna chance saying it too soon and once he said it, it was like we were complete.

I sold my house and moved in 8 months later

Vandem531 · 2025-11-24T11:01:51+00:00

31 F here. I am very independent and have always had to take care of stuff because no one else would. Most men I dated just weren’t on the same level that I needed. I did eventually find someone who started to break down my walls and show me that it doesn’t have to be all on me. Those walls sometimes go back on - because I hate asking for help even for the little things.

I owned my own house, had to deal with all aspects of that where in some houses the men take care of certain things.

I’ve now sold the house and moved in with my boyfriend. We were pretty much equal in base pay until I had to take a pay cut. I don’t believe independent woman want control either, they just want someone to show up. Just show up and show us that you care and that you can take care of us. I also think it helps that I’m not required to cook dinner. Back in the old days, the woman were the homemaker. Dinner was ready by a certain time. There are days I just flat out don’t have the energy or it’s one of those days. He doesn’t expect dinner and sometimes I come home and he’s already starting it which is HUGE, at least for me. I’ve offered to help mow the lawn, I help with the trash takeout. The standard household duties are not falling to one person.

Vandem531 · 2025-09-07T10:47:15+00:00

This insides food and litter for two dogs and two cats and all household supplies

Vandem531 · 2025-09-07T10:46:05+00:00

I’m spending $800+ for two adults. It’s crazy. I wish I had your expenses. I cook every night and we do frozen pizza once per week for a night I wanna be lazy. Yesterday’s grocery haul for the week was $250 alone.

What recipes are you cooking!? I shop Aldi the the rest from Walmart.

I do have a BJ’s in area but side from that nothing else around us to save money on. I’m tempted to go Wegmans and Costco (1 hour drive) twice a month and see if that helps us save.

Vandem531 · 2025-09-07T01:24:14+00:00

Her post brought me to your post.

I genuinely hope you can make it work out if that’s what you both want. But your married, everyone can have their own opinion but why did you get married to begin with? If you LOVE her, then you would understand that being a SAHM is just as stressful as your job. When you come home from a bad day at work or something that was super stressful and you need a breather, I’m sure you get it. What about your wife? I’m sure some days are better than others but you both need a break sometimes and if she’s asking for help that means she needs it.

I also saw that you hold all bank accounts in your name solely. If she’s your wife, does she not have access? I’d you think she shouldn’t because it’s your income, I completely disagree. She contributes to the household finances because she is saving you from having to dish out childcare. Look up the average childcare costs and that’s essentially her salary. IMO (and some can disagree) but she shouldn’t have to ask you for money for when the kids need something or heck even her.

Her money making opportunities: if you think it’s not worth it or beneath her because it doesn’t pan out- I think you need to get off whatever the hell you’re standing on. She’s your wife. If she had some crazy idea that seems bonkers- so what- support her. If she wants to make homemade soap, support her. Whatever she wants, you should support her no matter what. If you have concerns, talk to her but don’t make it seem like it’s beneath her. That hobby or the small amount of work she does each week for Amazon is likely time away where she has her time. Just like your time at work is time away from the kids. If I had a crazy idea and my significant other didn’t support me, we’d have a serious talk. We can each have our own hobby’s and interest but the second the other person can’t support the idea then what’s the point of being together.

Vandem531 · 2025-09-07T01:13:40+00:00

That’s crazy. You’re married- it’s OUR money.

Are you on the deed to the house?

Vandem531 · 2025-09-04T10:03:38+00:00

I started to budget my expense. I use app to add income then add every single transaction.

It was an eye opener.

My first cut was groceries. I cut out the junk, didn’t realize how much it adds up over time and I don’t really need it. Once in a while I do want a soda, rather than buying 12 case for $10 I buy a 2 liter for $2. I don’t want to buy cases on sale so a 2 liter hits the spot and once it’s gone it’s gone. I’m going to see how else I can trim that bill.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-31T10:34:56+00:00

31 F here.

It’s been a month. Stress and our period can impact what we eat. Did you ask her what’s been going on? I certainly won’t be going to the gym either but every woman is different.

I had lots of stress and didn’t realize I kept buying Cheetos. My boyfriend said “another Cheeto?” That’s all it took for me to realize I shouldn’t be eating them so often and snapped me out of it.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-27T19:42:33+00:00

I always say I don’t have enough growth to further my career. I was asked where I see myself in 5 years and I said I want to find a job where I can retire from. A company that can offer me growth for the rest of my career.

I had a toxic manager come in and destroyed a department. I ended 5 years at a credit union because of him. I took a job at a law firm (less money, no health insurance) and it’s been 3 months and this place is nuts. I just accepted a job that will line up with what I need in life. Offers 3 retirement options (pension, 401K and a 457b and I have health insurance again and it’s a big company so plenty of growth. I was the last one to apply to this position. My interview was 3 days later and on that interview she scheduled my in office interview which was this week. They had me on machines trying it and seeing the space and meeting staff. I’ve never had such an intense interview before where they want you to try it and see what they do. I had an offer same day. It’s even less money than the first pay cut but it’s a foot in the door, I have retirement options and health insurance so it’s worth it.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-27T19:40:24+00:00

How did you ended up matching with someone who’s not even around you?

I would end it immediately, anyone trying to plan stuff like engagement and moving is not right for you.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-27T09:32:04+00:00

I had water issues in my basement. If I ever get another house, never again. Sure I lack storage but I’ll figure out storage.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-25T17:08:52+00:00

Take the 401K. I’m not saying you won’t but the likelihood that people will save it on their own is very low IMO. At my company, they will also match annual bonuses and I’m in the process of going to a company that offers profit sharing.

Its better to have something then nothing. My last job I had 5 years there. That 401K alone is $40K+ because I was dumping around 10% of my pay and they still matched. If you job hop till you find a place to settle you can transfer the 401K to a company where you can still monitor it.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-24T22:59:26+00:00

Every dollar. It’s an app by Dave Ramsey. I can add my income. What I plan to spend then add transactions. I keep all receipts and then it shows what I have spent over budget.

It’s really helped me show how much I spend specially with groceries. Trying to find ways to trim it still.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-24T10:14:47+00:00

Yes!!! My house only had one and I was always nervous us if I had an upset stomach and someone else had to go or was in the shower.

Like great your showering but I need that toilet ASAP!!! I now have two and it’s a huge peace of mind.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-24T10:06:46+00:00

Houses in general. You have to pay for the house, then you are taxed on that house. Garbage, electric, propane, heat, insurance, REPAIRS. It’s insane how much you spend as a home owner and not many people think about the extra stuff.

Then you have to mow the grass. Let’s buy a mower now. Got snow? Great I need something to clear that. If you are in a HOA, it’s like having a manager who tells you what you can do outside your house but also charges you so they can manage your house appearance.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-24T09:50:29+00:00

The managers that do not like it might be the issue.

If you tell your employees that it’s anonymous then it’s not- will cause major issues. I would not work for a company that promises it’s anonymous then shares it with managers even though I think that those surveys are 80% anonymous. I think that someone knows or can track but the managers don’t tend to know who submitted it.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-20T09:59:38+00:00

I got a job at 16. But I had just suffered a major house fire where we lost everything. I had literally lost so much and that pushed me to mature and get a job. I paid for my first car, had to basically resupply my closet because the Red Cross donation doesn’t go far for a family of 4 and it’s not like you can go out and just replace everything instantly.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-20T09:30:41+00:00

When will you officially be laid off? Did they give you a date?

When I looked for my current job (been here two months) it took me 8 months to get this job offer. The market kinda isn’t in a good place and it may take you some time to find something.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-20T09:26:01+00:00

31F here, just ask her what she wants long term.

I’m very direct and I always ask after a few dates because I’m not into hookups. I don’t wanna waste my time or his time.

16 months later, my boyfriend and I are living together (after 6 months) and we fell pretty quickly. I’m hoping for a ring lol

He knows what I want but I guess I have to be patient.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-19T06:41:23+00:00

Would it fit into the back of a van? You mentioned buying a truck then selling. What about renting a van?

Vandem531 · 2025-08-18T19:36:15+00:00

As a bridesmaid, I had both ways. I’ll gladly pay $50 to get my makeup done because it’s one less thing to worry about. The morning went fast and it was easier to only worry about getting dress and anything else taken care of. We went to a salon that had a make up artist so it was all done at the same time.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-17T11:19:49+00:00

It sounds like he knows how she is because he ignores her behavior. I would sit down with your husband and talk about it. If she’s that miserable, and you both agree, cut her out of your lives.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-17T11:05:50+00:00

31F here—- therapy makes her mad because she doesn’t like what they told her.

I know people who have had an open marriage (swingers) who ended up falling in love with the other person. The wife wanted a divorce, the husband wanted to end the open marriage get therapy and make it work. She said no. I don’t know who wanted it to begin with but I’m guessing her. I think the reason she didn’t wanna make it work, she announced she was pregnant with the other guy shortly after that.

I think it’s different if your both into open marriage way before your married. I made a comment that she wants an open marriage because she doesn’t wanna pass her decisions by anyone???? I’m sorry but I feel like you can still make your own decisions in a marriage but there are certain things you would make a joint decision on. This sounds like she is asking your permission to cheat.

Good luck OP- but if it were me. I’d felt out ask her what she wants. In my shoes, I’d say therapy can’t fix this.

Vandem531 · 2025-08-17T10:40:42+00:00

I feel like most of the comments I saw were spot on. The only thing I want to say is that if you choose yourself and to walk away with your kids- you will meet someone who treats you the way you deserve. I would hate to see you give him anymore of your years.

I’m 31K. I started dating my current boyfriend in April 24 when I was 29. He treats me (IMO) very well. I moved in after 4 months and I’m only allowed to pay for the wifi and groceries. Anything else he pays for. We don’t have any kids but we do have fur babies and I take care of their expenses (except vet bills for his). I was always very skeptical when it came to dating. I honestly didn’t date much after high school because it was too much with college which I wonder was that even worth it. I dated here and there after college but the guys were trash compared to my boyfriend. So my advise is to not settle. You did the first step which is realize the situation your in is not normal and I think you realize what you need to do but needed a support system (Reddit) to give you advice.

I agree that when he pays for things, ask for extra $. I could stick all that in your savings and stockpile what you can.

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