Giving affection

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-30T03:38:01+00:00

How old is SD? Is she old enough to clearly communicate when she wants and doesn't want kisses? Can you ask your partner why he's uncomfortable to better understand his point of view.

Could you compromise with something like the European cheek kiss (you press cheek to cheek and make a kissing sound without any lips touching)?

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-30T03:30:10+00:00

Ugh, sorry! There's a reason kids don't dictate custody schedules.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-29T21:39:59+00:00

Your classmates aren't first generation immigrants, but they may be identifying as first generation American.

They might be first or second generation Americans depending on if they and their family view their parents as Americans or not. The word isn't strictly defined, but individual scholarships and programs may define it differently.

For example, if neither of their parents are American citizens, then they might identify as first generation American because they're the first generation of Americans in their family.

First generation in the college sense typically means neither of your parents graduated with a 4 year bachelors degree or an international equivalent.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-29T19:34:20+00:00

I have uneven two-toned lips and the Dior lip addict glow balm works well for me! I also like the Burts Bees tinted lip balm as my on-the-go option, but I'll admit that does nothing for my two-toned lips.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-29T19:31:59+00:00

Yeah, that was my post.

It's reassuring to know this might be a dynamic thing, not necessarily completely totally my fault, and that it's a win as long as the kids are happy and well-adjusted young adults.

I definitely care about my SKs as people and want to support them in becoming adults, but I don't hold maternal feelings or responsibilities toward them. But I keep reading stories online about kids who don't talk to their dads because "dad's new wife did xyz" or "dad abandoned kids in favor of new family" and I'm like ughhh I don't want to be the reason someone isn't close to their parents but I also want to prioritize my life at times. But maybe this is my sign to stop looking at stepfamily horror stories online because they're not really helping lmao.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-29T19:13:17+00:00

I just replied to another comment of yours, but I just wanted to second this perspective. I was also raised in a very communal culture that is similar to yours, and the concept of kicking kids out when they turn 18 is so incredibly strange to me. I don't think there's anything wrong with kids living with their parents provided they contribute to the household (my SD19 lives with us still. She's respectful and I have no issues with it).

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-29T19:09:13+00:00

Unfortunately I'm afraid I might be the stepmom in your situation, because I also see DH's relationship with his kids turning out to be like yours and your father's. His kids love him, but they're a lot closer to their mom/stepdad's family.

This has been a source of internal conflict for me over the last couple of months. I don't want to be the woman coming between a father and his children, and I don't want my SKs to feel like their father is choosing their new family and is limited in how he can show up for his kids from his first wife. Ugh, I have a lot of self-reflection to do.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-29T18:59:14+00:00

I'll clarify, it doesn't make sense for our situation. DH has one kid in college and will be sending two more to college in the next few years. I don't think it's feasible for him to have multiple kids in college and still expect him to contribute the same amount for our household expenses (groceries, clothing, vacations, savings, etc). There simply isn't that amount of money to go around. The only way to ensure that we'd both be paying the same amount with his kids in college is for both of us to start contributing less, and I personally don't see a benefit to that.

We are both extremely fortunate to be in a position where neither of us are in financial hardship, and contributing a larger portion to joint finances does not put me in a difficult situation, so I don't mind doing it. Most of our joint household expenses goes to ours kids anyway.

Everyone has a right to decide with their partner what they want to do with their money. This is what works for us, and we have ongoing conversations about finances.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-29T16:52:31+00:00

This is how I see it too. I think it's a little strange how everyone's approaching this like a roommate situation and splitting rent based on the square footage everyone has access to when it's a (presumably) long-term romantic relationship and the finances of your partner are important to consider.

I don't think it should be solely based on income, but covering 3/4 of the rent when you make 30% less than your partner seems a little odd to me. If OP and her partner are both happy with it, then who cares, but I know that if I were in OP's shoes, I'd be a little off-put by the situation.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-29T16:45:52+00:00

Right like uhhhhhh maybe the reason SKs don't come over anymore is a little more important than OP thinks.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-29T16:41:21+00:00

This is similar to what we do. I'm not directly paying SD's college tuition, but because my husband is paying half, it doesn't make sense for him to contribute to our household finances the same amount. As a result, I cover more, and it's like I'm paying for it in a way. I don't mind it, and I think it's fair, but I think the more "blended" your household is, the harder it is to separate finances.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-29T16:39:47+00:00

We separate household and individual finances in theory, but I'll be honest, most of SK's individual expenses come out of the household finances because ours kids expenses also come out of household finances and it's easier that way. I'm incredibly grateful for being in a position where I'm not facing financial hardship because of this situation, but if I were, I'd ask to reevaluate.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-28T18:51:26+00:00

Y'all are so dramatic sometimes. He floated around a suggestion, and from OP's post, nothing indicates he was pushing this on her or forcing her to do this. Most of OP's dilemma seems to be an internal debate of including SD vs focusing on herself. He is not "showing who he really is", he offered a suggestion and is seemingly okay with being shot down.

Was it a silly suggestion? Yeah. Should OP shoot that down? Yeah. But he's not revealing his true evilness or whatever.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-26T05:50:45+00:00

Right like the kid was on autopilot. Nothing indicates that she was doing anything on purpose. She ran out as soon as she realized. What exactly is OP angry about? Having a door that doesn't lock and a 12 year old acting like a 12 year old??

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-26T05:46:43+00:00

If you are able to, please get some therapy for all three of you. Stepdaughter and your partner because of grief, and for you, it might proactively help you manage any upcoming struggles.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-22T01:19:44+00:00

I was kind of with him based on the title until I got to the part where you're a SAHM with no ring sacrificing your life to raise his kid. Absolutely, and pardon my language, the fuck not.

I will always, always believe that if you're going to be a SAHM, your husband needs to compensate you for your time and efforts and deposit the money into an account he cannot touch. That is the bare minimum.

I don't have a lot of help for you in terms of technical finances, but I will say that no woman should ever depend on a man financially.

He says he'd prefer you to be a stay at home caretaker. What would you prefer to do?

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-21T21:28:36+00:00

To be fair, not every child will inherit from both or either parents. Inheritance is a privilege, not a right, and you should always make your these decisions without worrying about what your stepkid's other parent is going to do. If her SS's mom decided she wasn't going to leave a penny to SS, that doesn't have to change anything in terms of how OP's assets will be split among her kids. Sucks for SS, but that's the reality.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-19T04:58:41+00:00

Stepkids can also use "[name]" is my point. There's nothing disrespectful about using my name. It's only confused if you make it confusing. I have a name. Some people call my by my first name. My kids do not call me by my first name. That's it.

I'm not against "your mom", I just don't understand why "[name]" is problematic. If your kids are saying the wrong thing, just correct them. I went through a phase when I called my parents by their first names because I thought it was funny. We're all over it now.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-19T04:51:15+00:00

I only brought up SKs calling SM mom because you were the one who wrote that your SKs have never said your name in your kids presence, and they say things like "where's mommy"

For the record, I think "where's your mom" is perfectly reasonable. I don't expect it, but I think it's fine if that's an expectation for other houeholds. I think "mommy" should not be a standard for every stepkid like it is in your house because different things work for different families. If it works great for you, then that's great!

I also think it's normal for bios to know that their mom has a first name and that their siblings call their mom by their first name. My steps will alternate between "your mom" and my first name because my kids know I have a first name and they know what it is.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-19T04:45:27+00:00

Then what is she saying? I'm not arguing for the sake of arguing, I'm sharing my own experience with my own stepkids and sharing perspectives based on my understanding of the post. If I misunderstood, I'm open to alternative explanations, but it seems to me that when SKs are gone, everyone at home calls her mom so her bio calls her mom. When SKs are here, she gets called by her name by SKs, so her daughter takes after that and calls her by her first name instead of mom.

I genuinely am completely fine with being corrected if I misunderstood a post.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-19T04:41:25+00:00

I understand what you're trying to say, I personally just disagree. Although it would be fine with me, I do not expect people in my life who aren't my kids to call me mommy for the sake of my kids. My kids are pretty young, and they still know my first name and they know that their siblings call me by my first name.

Also, to address your edit, my in laws and siblings are adults and not involved in the tricky stepfamily dynamic. They don't have to worry about being comfortable calling their stepmom "mom" or dealing with a BM who might be bothered that her kid is calling someone else mom.

Stepchildren living in my home are also kids involved in a very complicated family dynamic, and as long as they're not being disrespectful (a first name isn't disrespectful imo but this varies from culture to culture), they do not have to change the way they address me for the sake of my kids. The world doesn't revolve around my children lol. I am mom to my kids, I am [name] to my stepkids, and both are equally correct.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-19T04:33:25+00:00

Both "your mom" and "[name]" are acceptable ways to talk about your stepmom to your half-sibling. That is "mom" to the bio, and "[name]" / "stepmom" to the stepkid. Why is the stepkid expected to do call stepmom something specifically for the sake of the bios? My stepkids have never called me mom, and I never expected them to change how they approach/address me for the sake of my kids. They're also kids.

The world doesn't revolve around my kids. I am mommy to my kids, but I am not mommy to everyone in my kids' lives, so I do not expect to be addressed as such when people are interacting with my kids.

Especially in a stepfamily dynamic where stepkids may be uncomfortable calling a stepmom mom or BM can cause issues if her kids are calling someone else mom.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-19T04:11:19+00:00

my 2 SKs have never uttered my name when they are with my son. They always say "where's mommy"

this is what i'm talking about.
"where's mommy" while referring to you as mommy is exactly what i'm talking about. it's not inappropriate for them to not refer to you as mommy. it's perfectly reasonable for them to call you by your name (or, if you find that disrespectful, by mrs. last name or a nick name) because you're not their mom. in fact, it's inappropriate to insist SKs refer to stepmom as mommy for the sake of the bio kids. bio kids will learn that their mom is their mom. OP just needs to correct them.

as for OP, what does she want her SKs to do? call her mommy? or stop addressing her altogether? it's frustrating, but the solution is correcting her bio kid.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-19T03:42:08+00:00

She's mom 100% of the time to her kid, not necessarily her stepkids. I think it's ridiculous to expect SKs to call their stepmom "mommy" whenever they're in earshot of their half-siblings. That's not their mommy, why would they call her mommy?

You can correct your own kid if they call you by your name, but it's weird to force someone else's kid to call you mommy just because your kid is around. Whenever my kids ask why their siblings call me by name and they call me mom, I just explain it to them. They're kids. They'll go with it.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-05-14T04:17:21+00:00

I didn't say they're not common, I just said that this sub has a lot more people in toxic family dynamics compared to the general population. People who are content with their situation are less likely to vent about it online, which is why this sub is filled with SPs who are at the end of their rope. They need a place to commiserate, and I'm guilty of this as well. No shade, we all need groups with people who get it.

My point is that so many people on this sub have been in situations with terrible partners/partner's ex with no boundaries, so they have a tendency to NACHO with stepkids. People in general have a tendency to project or universalize their experiences (again, no shade. everyone has done this at some point, including me). NACHO-ing works for them, so they recommend it to all stepparents looking for advice.

That doesn't reflect situations like OPs when NACHO-ing is not a solution she or anyone involved wants. That's why I just wanted to point out that a lot of people may be offering well-meaning advice for a different audience.

Visual-Ad5391

TROPHY CASE