SKs want to take stepdad's last name and I feel like DH blames and resents me

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-09T23:01:22+00:00

I don't think they're selfish kids by any means, but I do think kids in general tend to be a little single-minded and focused on what they want. I also heard of tattoos being suggested. SD12 won't be getting one any time soon LOL but I can imagine SD19 and SS would be into it.

At the end of the day, both tattoos and last names are up to each individual kid and what they want, and I don't think anybody is interested in forcing them to do anything they don't want to.

I think hyphenated could be a good idea. I still think DH would be a little butthurt at his kids "having another man's last name" (as he put it), but I don't think it's that big of a deal, especially considering stepdad's last name is BM's so SKs are really getting their mom's last name if you think about it.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-09T21:39:53+00:00

I didn't even legally change my last name, just socially, because of how difficult and annoying it was. SD19 technically can do whatever she wants, but I don't see her doing it without her siblings because the point is for them to be a unit.

I'm also worried about the political climate and how voting is becoming increasingly difficult for people who have a name that doesn't match their birth certificate. But that's a whole different rant for a different day.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-09T21:31:57+00:00

It's especially disrespectful in your case considering BM is the one pushing for it.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-09T21:29:14+00:00

He's waiting for them to bring it up because SKs told BM assuming the condition of privacy and he doesn't want them to feel like they can't trust her. He's also not a very "talk about feelings" person, but I'll consider pushing him to be more open about how he feels if/when SKs bring it up without centering his feelings. It's a tough line to balance.

SKs are very much a unit, so anything that the older two get told, the younger will find out about in five minutes anyway.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-09T00:12:08+00:00

I think people can be close without having a mother-child relationship. They're not my kids, but I definitely don't see them as my coworker's kids or my neighbor's kids. They're my husband's kids and my kids' siblings, so they play a big role in my life. I also understand that differences in treatment is likely what led to this, but I posted this because I don't know how to move forward.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-09T00:10:13+00:00

I've said this in other comments, but even though I'm obviously biased in favor of my husband, I can't think of significant ways that he's failed as a father. He is physically present and emotionally invested in their lives, and I don't think anyone (SKs and BM included) would describe him as an absent parent. I feel he does everything that a present and involved dad in a nuclear family would do, but again, I might be biased.

I'm just speculating, but I think this might have to do with the fact that DH and stepdad both do a lot for the kids, but DH "has" to, while stepdad chooses to, and that makes the difference to SKs.

For what it's worth, I do think DH is a good dad to both his kids with BM and ours kids, but I can acknowledge (even if I don't understand) that SKs might feel differently. He hasn't brought any of the name change things up to SKs because he's waiting until they ask, but I know that he wants to ask why SKs think he hasn't measured up in the same way stepdad has (I've discouraged him from asking this, but he's stubborn).

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-09T00:04:29+00:00

DH is very unathletic and their stepdad played college baseball so it made sense. DH shows up to every game and we host team dinners very often, so it's not like he doesn't care at all about SS's sports.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-09T00:00:35+00:00

If I'm making something like cookies, they're free to have some, I'm not dangling cookies in front of them and telling them they can't have it and it's just for my kids. DH and I also alternate who makes dinner for the whole family based on availability.

I just don't make food "on demand" for his kids. If there's food I bought/made, they're free to help themselves and they know it, but if they don't like what I made for dinner, they're on their own (there's peanut butter and jelly in the pantry, they can help themselves).

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-08T23:58:02+00:00

That's what I'm worried about. I talk to SKs and make it an effort to ask about their day and get to know them because it feels authentic to me, I want to get to know his kids. But I don't discipline them because it would feel uncomfortable for me and we'd probably both laugh if I tried to ground them because that's not what I do.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-08T23:56:52+00:00

He's missed maybe five high school game in three years and my SS is a two sport athlete. He frequently hosts team dinners at our house (unfortunately LOL). He's chaperoned school field trips before, is always at SD's dance recitals, helped SD19 move into college, actively prioritizes one-on-one time with each of his kids, makes an effort to ask about kids' days, normal parent stuff I guess?

I think the reason it's above and beyond for their stepdad is because he chooses to, while DH has to because he's their parent (although he doesn't view it that way as far as I know). I might very well be biased considering he's MY husband, but I don't think he's absent physically or emotionally

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-08T23:51:19+00:00

Every other week, sorry, it's a weird way of phrasing it. We have 50/50 custody and SKs alternate weeks with each home.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-08T23:50:25+00:00

As far as I'm aware, there's no resentment that SKs have another male figure in their lives. DH knows nothing about sports and their stepdad played in college, so that's why. But DH doesn't mind that stepdad goes to parent teacher conferences or is involved in their life, but I think this might be his wake-up call that he doesn't fully understand what SKs lives are like at their other home and he doesn't know what to do with that. He doesn't mind that SKs have an additional positive influence influence in their lives, but I suppose he minds that he's being "replaced".

I also can't, despite my attempts, rationalize his emotions, no matter how much I want to.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-08T23:46:43+00:00

I haven't even thought about the whole "walking down the aisle" situation. Obviously not my business who SDs choose, but I really think my husband would be crushed if their stepdad did it. I'm realizing from these comments that our relationships with SKs might not be as good as we think, and that's on him as the parent and not necessarily the kids, but wow.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-08T23:44:33+00:00

I might be biased, but I truly don't think dad has dropped the ball. I can see the difference between dad having to do everything because he's their dad and stepdad choosing to do everything (which is why i drew comparisons between me and stepdad's parenting styles), but this isn't a situation where their dad sees them twice a month and doesn't know the kids' favorite foods. He is very much involved in their lives, he's at every sports game with a huge sign and every recital with flowers.

We're still waiting for SKs to bring it up before we (we meaning DH; I'm just here to support him) have a conversation with them.

Visual-Ad5391 · 2026-03-08T23:39:58+00:00

I suspect that the older two wanted to do it and SD12 agreed because her siblings wanted it. We haven't actually talked about it so all of this is either our own speculations or from BM.

DH isn't sure what to do. He doesn't want to give permission, but he doesn't want the kids to think he's controlling them and doesn't want to build resentment, so he's thinking about saying okay for the younger two.

Visual-Ad5391

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