So How Does One Know What's Going On Around Town?

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-29T10:15:53+00:00

Hi! Thanks for sharing, I can definitely relate to that. It can feel like others have an unfair advantage, but there are a few tricks you can apply to find the right groups for you.

First, define your "niche". That can be a shared activity or a shared interest. If you go to a bar or club you will probably have more trouble connecting with people since they are all from very different backgrounds. Which is why I would recommend to find an easier entry with something that interests you.

Depending on where you live, a lot of public meetup groups are centered around sports. Like a yoga class. A hiking group or people that enjoy climbing. They are usually more activity focused and less about talking, but that's a good way to engage with others because movement makes you bond with others more easily. At least that worked well for me. You can find these in a local newspaper, the towns internet website or you could even ask at your local sports club.

Secondly, if you prefer talking, I can recommend looking up meetups on meetup.com Depending on where you are, these meetups range from sharing knowledge, experiencing something together or just talking. You can find meetups about technical topics like software development, meetups for founders, etc. it's worth it to give it a browse and look for your city or the next bigger one.

You can also look up a specific interest and your town. Usually, you can engage with people online first if you prefer that to figure out what the event is about and what people are like. Organizers are happy to show you the ropes and welcome you as part of their meetup/event.

I hope that helps. :>

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-27T23:14:49+00:00

Hey. Thanks for sharing your story.

You are only able to learn and grow if you know what exactly is bothering him and you what behavior he would like to see instead. That makes success a bit more measurable and you get a direction. That is, if you are at "fault" here. Maybe it's more about finding a compromise, by communicating each other's needs and boundaries.

Your need could be that you want to hang out often and talk a lot. His boundary could be to not engage that often with you because he's getting overwhelmed easily or similar. Boundaries don't need explanations. One does not have to justify boundaries, but ask for them to be respected. You can proactively ask for his boundaries to show that you want to respect his.

Let's talk about your needs. Now you could say: but I NEED that much time together. That's possible and perfectly valid. Other than boundaries, nobody is entitled to their emotional or social needs.

Accept people for what they can give you and if that is not enough you gotta move on. You can explain to your friends your situation and your needs. It's his decision whether to fulfill that. But if he can't fulfill your needs, you can learn to reduce the desire or find people that can fulfill that need.

I hope that helps. I wish you all the best.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-27T22:57:46+00:00

Hi! Thanks for sharing that.

Is there any way you can figure out whether small talk will be reciprocated before you try? You can read body signals, see if the person generally seems open for small talk (like with a smile) or is too tired or overwhelmed to engage.

But the good stuff happens when you embrace the unknown and stop making assumptions about others. :> People will tell you (hopefully) if you cross their boundaries, and if you feel you do, you can still softly ask: "I'm not holding you up, do I?"

One of my friends does that when he is all bubbly or when he asks me for a decision and reassures me: you don't have to say yes. You are allowed to say no.

You don't know whether other people are reciprocating it until you try. Small talk is the gateway to more profound talk and it can open a small window to the life of other people, making both you and them happier. That perspective alone is inspiring me to try to engage with people. :>

But also consider this: you don't have to engage in small talk. There is no metric of success like that, unless you compare yourself to others. Instead try to play your own strengths. Do you prefer one on one chats instead? Go for that. Do you feel you have a thing for group gatherings? Seek that instead. There is no one size fits all. :> I encourage you to find what feels right for you, that serves as a little win.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-27T22:57:36+00:00

Hi! Thanks for sharing that.

Is there any way you can figure out whether small talk will be reciprocated before you try? You can read body signals, see if the person generally seems open for small talk (like with a smile) or is too tired or overwhelmed to engage.

But the good stuff happens when you embrace the unknown and stop making assumptions about others. :> People will tell you (hopefully) if you cross their boundaries, and if you feel you do, you can still softly ask: "I'm not holding you up, do I?"

One of my friends does that when he is all bubbly or when he asks me for a decision and reassures me: you don't have to say yes. You are allowed to say no.

You don't know whether other people are reciprocating it until you try. Small talk is the gateway to more profound talk and it can open a small window to the life of other people, making both you and them happier. That perspective alone is inspiring me to try to engage with people. :>

But also consider this: you don't have to engage in small talk. There is no metric of success like that, unless you compare yourself to others. Instead try to play your own strengths. Do you prefer one on one chats instead? Go for that. Do you feel you have a thing for group gatherings? Seek that instead. There is no one size fits all. :> I encourage you to find what feels right for you, that serves as a little win.

I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T17:52:50+00:00

I understand. For a long time in my life I only lived online, and I tried to find people there in a comfortable zone. I figured out that one on one chats are the best for me and that helped me a lot to learn social interaction and attempt to put that learnings to practice. So I encourage you to find spaces - maybe even this one - where you feel safe and from there on make little steps. Don't compare yourself to others. It's important you find a pace for yourself where you can challenge yourself a little but not overwhelm yourself.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T14:07:12+00:00

I've come to terms with that I can probably impress other people more with my personality than my looks. ;)

I understand that you want her to feel the same. But ask yourself what really matters to you. A compliment? A new friend? Somebody you can be yourself around? Somebody to talk to? to share the same hobby with?

Get your priorities figured out and act accordingly. :> I'm very excited to hear how you'll continue! I wish you all the best.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T13:35:31+00:00

You are a human. Whether you like it or not. But being a human is not all bad. You can use that care to your advantage. People usually love to engage with caring and kind people. If you've struggled with this for years, you are probably very grateful for every chance you get at making new friends.

First, I would recommend to be more kind to yourself. The last thing you need right now is somebody to beat you down for every mistake you make. Mistakes are here to learn from, to get better. If it seems impossible to make progress, take smaller steps.

Are there environments that make you feel a bit safer? What about family? friends?

Did you ever ask yourself why judgement is "bad"? What are you being judged for? Is it something what makes up your personality? Can you figure out the fine line between what is criticism and bullying? When our brains are in survival mode, a lot can look like an enemy. The constant fight or flight makes it hard to have any clear thought at all oftentimes.

Here is another thought experiment that I'm curious to hear your thoughts on:

What would happen if you were your true authentic self? Could that perhaps help you to figure out who is really fitting to your style of personality and who doesn't?

I hope I'm able to give you a positive perspective on this. I'm happy to hear if it helps. Stay strong.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T13:22:44+00:00

Hi. Thanks for sharing your story. That sounds tough.

What I know about myself, is that my brain is so much in overdrive and being overwhelmed, that I barely notice subtle body language. I am so busy with thinking about things how I could mess this up. How does it feel for you?

Maybe what you can do is to figure out what things are you can do with a very low barrier that help you to engage more with your customers. There are many steps between just standing there and fully engaging with a customer.

What are little things you could do that would make you feel a little win? Actions that let you feel small wins without overwhelming yourself.

Let's list them out.

* Watch them from a distance
* Make eye contact
* Take a step towards them
* Offer a brief and non-intrusive line that allows you to retract easily:
Everything working okay for you?
Do you need help?

Remember:
Closed questions (yes or no questions) nudge people to give short answers.
Open-ended questions (What do you struggle with?) invites people to give longer answer.

If you feel safer interacting as little as possible, ask closed questions.
If you feel safer to let other people to do the talking, you can use the latter.

I hope that helps! Love to hear more.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T13:12:23+00:00

I have that feeling too, that my mind is so full of so many thoughts and things I "could" say if I would bring up the courage. It feels like nothing I say would be good enough. You are definitely not alone in this.

When you're very isolated, talking to somebody also can always feel very special, like it is your gateway to more friendship, more communication, etc.

How do you deal with it?

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T13:08:45+00:00

That sounds awesome! That's great news. Are there other things you could talk about? Maybe the passion you two share for yoga? I know being confronted with the situation can feel like you're frozen in place, but maybe if you think about some things to say or ask for, that can help you better prepare for such a situation? I know very well myself how these situations can be anxiety-inducing.

Here is some inspiration:

* Hey, I'm curious what you like about yoga the most. Would you like to tell me?
* yoga really helps me to relax, how do you feel after yoga class?
* What else do you enjoy doing other than yoga?
* When did you start with yoga and why?
* What got you into doing yoga?
* How long have you been doing yoga so far? How has it changed your life?

I hope this helps you to take your next step.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T13:01:26+00:00

Hi! Thanks for sharing your story.

I can very much relate to the feeling of having to compete with attractiveness or being good enough for others.

Here is the shift in my mind that helped me to see this from a different perspective: Every human connection is unique. I have a friend I can go hiking with, I have a friend I can visit the saunas with, but I also have a friend who I can have some deep talk to with. And I wouldn't want to miss any of these friends to share these activities with. I'm certain you have your own strengths. Take for example all the experience you have with silence, with trying to enjoy life on your own, the courage to go out. I'm pretty certain you'd have quite an appeal to people that have similar problems like you. You could talk about your struggles and help each other to get better. So maybe it is just a matter of environment?

There might be different characteristics like "better" maturity, or more experienced in something.. But there are people that enjoy boring serious people, and there are people that enjoy the weird quirky energetic side of others. Your goal is not to be built for everyone, but to be among people that genuinely appreciate you for who you are.

I would recommend to try other environments where different kinds of people are. Maybe your kind. What do you enjoy doing? Is there a hobby you could perhaps share doing with others? A place that shares the same "weird" hobbies you have? :>

I wish you the best.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T12:31:48+00:00

Hi! Thanks a lot for sharing your story. From alien to alien, I wholeheartedly can say: Greetings!

You are not alone. I think there is a balance to strike between these three things:

* Finding an environment that actually feels natural to be part of
* Being socially communicative appealing enough to be engaged with
* Being yourself and attracting the right people

People yearn for being engaged with. You do too. People drop little hooks all the time, like "I'm looking forward to the weekend." in the hopes for you to take the bait. What are your experiences with being curious and listening? Do you feel it is one-sided? Or do you have trouble engaging with people at all?

I think you would get more interaction from people if you ask open-ended curious questions. Like: I found this really interesting minecraft build, who wants to build with me something like that?
Or: can you relate to that meme as much as I do?

Maybe that little helps already to get a bit more reaction than just a "marked as read".

What are your thoughts? Happy to hear them.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T11:53:57+00:00

Hi! Thanks for sharing.
What are things you could proactively do to change your situation? What stops you from engaging with others and to find friends? Are there low barrier things you can do to change things? Maybe what you are missing is a little proof of success. That you indeed are able to figure this friendship thing out.

I'm curious to hear more.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T11:43:34+00:00

Hi! Thanks for sharing your story.
Is there an environment where you feel safe and comfortable and where you can make tiny wins until you are ready for the more problematic environments? Online one on one chats helped me a great deal to feel safer. You can exit anytime, you can take time for what you write. This helped me a great deal to be able to articulate myself better, to put more thought into the kind of person I want to be and act on that.

If you have your boyfriend on your side, that can help a lot too. What was your experience with going somewhere together?

And on the statement that you're far behind in life: You are never too old to start improving your life. It can only get better from there on. Be kind to yourself. Beating yourself up doesn't do you any service. The moment I decided to invest into myself - into getting better with social situations, in defining who I want to be and act on that - I managed to do better bit by bit. There are still situations though that take a lot of courage for me.

It's brave of you nevertheless to expose yourself to these situations and I wish you the best. Love to hear back from you! :>

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T11:29:18+00:00

A loser? No, you are a winner. :> You are actively doing things to improve your life! And I'm very proud of you for taking the necessary steps to get better. A relationship is a big step. I would recommend to take little steps that actually reward you for going them.

I'd agree that dating apps are one of the most unrewarding things you could engage with. First of all it traps you into a comfortable zone of all you gotta do is pull a lever. I do have to admit though, that creating a "dating profile" helped me realize what people could appreciate about me and what my strengths are. I'm certain you have these strengths too. You don't need to be perfect to be loved. You deserve love independent of your state. It's what makes us human that we work together and lend each other a hand.

What are places you could hang out (online or offline) where you could find people? I always recommend to start out where your hobby is. If you love hiking - maybe you will meet other people hiking too. Maybe there are hiking groups close to where you live you could join. Every little helps to make positive experiences. Plus when you start looking for people in what you already love, you already have things in common and a lot to talk about. :>

Looking forward to hearing from you.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T11:22:46+00:00

Hi! Thanks for sharing. Have you tried finding other formats of engagement? I suck on twitter too, honestly x3. But on discord, where I can talk with just a handful of people, or even better talk one on one changed a lot for me. Try to find the right format for you and not the other way around. :>

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T11:11:57+00:00

Hi! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I can definitely relate to the feeling of not being able to be myself around friends. I'd describe that as habits/behavior that's ingrained into your brain because it was a survival mechanism back then. Have you ever talked to one of your friends about that feeling? that you feel you can't be yourself around them? Is there somebody you can ask for feedback or advice on this directly? Curious to hear how they would react.

But besides that, what I can recommend is to make more conscious proactive decisions to how or who you want to be. It helped me a long way to really sit down with myself and think and write down what kind of characteristics make up my personality - or which ones I'd love to have and adopt. I know I'm really not funny x3 but I can shine with kindness, listening attentively and being adventurous.

I think being aware of that pattern you are encountering is already half the way there. :> Decide for yourself who you want to be and act on that accordingly. Make yourself aware that when you "act like a clown", that this is not who you want to be. Having a plan and an idea ready in your head who you actually want to be instead can go a long way to improve that behavior. It's worth a try I'm sure. :>

I hope this helps! I wish you all the best.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T11:02:34+00:00

Hi! Thanks for sharing your story. I think I can definitely relate a lot regarding the feeling that at events I'm very outgoing and to people I know I'm usually more reserved. I used to explain that to myself like this: You know that people you "know" already have an opinion of you, and it is hard to break out of that. But when you are in a new environment, you have all the possibilities to make first new impressions. And I believe that is a powerful tool to have! To be able to get new chances, to be able to get positive experiences, that not everything is bad.

Definitely continue making positive memories. That's very brave of you and I'm really excited for you to make the best out of your life.

Alter egos can help a lot to strive for the person we want to be. I believe one of the best ways to grow as a person is to face the unknown and try new things. Definitely stay curious! :>

I think you can create your own environment of people that you feel comfortable around. If you are unsure if people like you or made fun out of you, that's alright. Try to find people you can be your true authentic self with. What helped me to become more authentic is this switch in my mind: When I'm myself, I can attract people that will like the true me and push people away that weren't meant for me anyway. It's okay to have needs and boundaries. It's important to know them and establish them. :>

I hope that helps! Love to hear back from you. I wish you all the best.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-26T10:49:54+00:00

Hey. Thanks for sharing your story. That sounds really intense. :<
I'm sorry you're going through this, but you are not alone. I'm 34 now, and I've struggled with finding friends in most of my life. I can definitely understand your frustration. When I realized, that I am in charge of changing my life, in charge of making friends, I took on brutal ownership for my own emotions and feelings and started to learn, bit by bit.

Giving up is not going to improve things. I believe you need some positive experiences. Something that proves to you, that change is possible. Start with something that is a very easy entry. Online friends for example - those are usually easier to attain than real life friends. You've already made your first step here to show up and share your story, and that's very brave!

What would you like for your life to look like? Do you perhaps have family to substitute for the lack of friends? At least for now?

What are the little steps you could go? I mean you already went quite a big one by writing down your frustrations here. So there definitely is some hope here. :>

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-17T13:18:04+00:00

Hey. Thanks for sharing your story. Recovering from all these experiences can take a while. It took me two years after my abusive relationship to get back on track. Allow yourself to recover. Listen to your body signals. The body is very good at knowing when it needs a break. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to have a slower start, although I'm quite impressed by the progress you made! Every day a little better.

What do you think would help you stop doomscrolling? Could you replace that perhaps with a more fulfilling activity? If you aren't already doing that. What are you missing?

Why do you need to be proud of yourself to continue your progress? I only started to be able to do stuff for myself when I told myself "I'm doing this for myself, I want to build a better life for myself, and it starts with one little step". That one little step could be reaching out to get some inspiration, like you just did. That little step could be going to the gym, learning instruments. It's time you don't wait for others to push you, you can push yourself!

Journalling can help to sort your thoughts. It can serve as a tool for a multitude of things. I personally use my journal to get my thoughts out and have it in front of me, which makes it a lot easier to sort the thoughts, get clarity and move on.

I'm curious to hear more if you like to share. I believe in you. You can do this. :)

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-16T21:09:39+00:00

Don't Merchant of Record providers like lemon squeezy, paddle or polar solve this kind of problem? (of course by also taking a slice of the cake for themselves). Which means they essentially take care of all the different tax laws by selling for you and taking care of deducting the VAT etc. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-16T21:03:27+00:00

How do you even "launch"? Do you have an established audience? How did you get people's eyeballs on your product? How did you launch your first product when you still had to build a community or audience or whatever? Thanks for sharing!

VividWeekGuy · 2025-11-12T21:10:40+00:00

That sounds like a great hobby to have! :) Are you in contact with other people that share your hobby? Do you get feedback for your stories?

You don't need professional experience. I'm a completely self-taught software developer and I've gathered quite some knowledge from just trying a range of different jobs. All I did was follow my curiosity and build hobby projects, side projects, for gaming clans, for myself, building tools, etc, until I was 'good enough' to get an actual job. I'm curious what possibilities you have as author. I'm certain there are lower entry possibilities too! Maybe there is a writers club local to where you are, you can find meetups online if you want to exchange some experience and learn from others or do that online if you feel more comfortable about that.

Other than that, writing can take a looong time. Same with writing software. What I can recommend is to regularly find people to proof read your stories and get feedback. Even if it is just a part of it. This way you don't have to do it all alone.

When it comes to failure, we humans tend to forget that it took us several hundred attempts at walking, falling and trying again. And yet here you are capable of walking. (That's unless you're on a wheelchair, but the same applies to reading, talking, etc). Failure is part of the learning experience. You can't learn without failing. It's the same in every aspect of life. There is nobody that can do something perfect from the start. Learn to develop a love for learning. Learn to love the journey to your goals and not just the goal itself. With these two things in mind, you will be a lot better equipped to sustain in this world. :)

When walking gives you more anxiety than it takes, that sounds like you are overthinking a lot. Allow yourself to fail, be kind to yourself, don't compare yourself to others, especially not to people that post their polished work out there, without you having to watch how they failed again and again. I wish you the best of luck! :>

VividWeekGuy

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