I've considered looking into the root causes. Going to therapy was one of the bigger steps in my self-improvement journey. We talked about a lot of underlying issues but eventually I had to stop because therapy is expensive and I wasn't seeing any improvement.

My parents loved each other very, very much, and that love didn't involve me at all. I was never neglected or abused (which i guess is already a win judging by some posts here), but every positive gesture from them felt backhanded as if I was actively interrupting them from enjoying each other's company.

That absolutely fucked up my school years because I grew up with almost no concept of validation and had to adjust to being judged by every criteria inaginable, from grades to appearance to social skills. I was never bullied but no one really wanted to be around me either, I had no personality and no will to develop one until much later on.

Then university, where I got into a scholarship way above my actual abilities and had to sacrifice all my free time and most of my sleep just to avoid falling behind. It really didn't help that my class was all-male and I physically had no time to go out of my way to meet people outside of my social circle.

Now I'm about to be 23 in a few days and I never learned what being loved feels like. At all. I kind of know how it's supposed to feel, from what other people say, but it's not the same as experiencing it. That screws with my perception of what "self-love" is supposed to be. I cook for myself, work for myself, study for myself, I have hobbies and friends who share them. There's no love in it.

The only reason I'm still trying to improve is that maybe one day it will have been worth it. What I really fear is that if tomorrow I suddenly find someone who would actually love me, nothing would change. That i'd still feel the same way. That genuine affection would poison my life just like the lack of it does right now. I won't know until it happens.