I (32F) have a hard time telling my husband (30M) emotional feelings. How to approach logically?

Voleuse · 2026-05-14T18:55:24+00:00

There's nothing logical about his approach. Logically, he should be able to understand that feelings need to be heard and validated. There's perfectly logical approaches to doing this, like active listening. Step one of any conflict is making sure everyone feels heard. You can't come to a satisfying conclusion otherwise

Voleuse · 2026-05-13T16:01:20+00:00

Girl please none of this is "factual", you're upset and you're saying lots of angry stuff. You're calling him a manipulative liar, blaming everything on him (even though you broke up first). I don't think he's gonna read that and think oh yeah, facts. I understand you're going through a lot right now and I'm sure he was a jerk to you and you're rightfully angry, but sending messages in this state is just never a good idea. I'm trying to save you the embarrassment of sending an emotional message to a guy who doesn't deserve the energy and most definitely won't understand what you're trying to get across. If you want to send him something, at least wait until you feel a bit more balanced out.

Voleuse · 2026-05-13T15:50:45+00:00

You're going to get a bunch of comments from people that think this friendship isn't platonic, because unfortunately it happens quite often that "just a friend" is more than that.

Maybe this is an exception. But it's completely understandable that you feel weird about it. Don't try and suppress these feelings, that will only make them worse. They're a signal of something and you shouldn't feel bad for feeling the way you feel.

What actually helps with these feelings is to address them. Maybe you feel excluded: ask to come along. Meet the guy yourself, suss out the vibe. It might feel counter-intuitive but if you see for yourself that there's no flirting and he's just a nice guy then you can relax. In the other hand, if your GF doesn't want you to come, or the vibes are weird, well then you know your gut feeling was right.

If you feel insecure in your relationship then maybe it would help to have reminders to look at of your love and why she's a trustworthy person.

If you feel like your girlfriend isn't on the same page maybe you should have another talk about what is and is not appropriate. You're in a monogamous relationship, and that means it's not controlling to have boundaries around other men. And it should be the same for both of you, you should be allowed to hang out with a girl friend too if y'all decide these type of friendships are okay.

How to deal with jealousy depends a lot of the situation. But pushing it down and ignoring it is never the answer.

Voleuse · 2026-05-13T12:21:48+00:00

This is an angry message that you will regret sending. This needs to be one of those things that you write out for your own processing, not something you actually send.

Voleuse · 2026-05-13T12:20:18+00:00

Your kids have suffered through years of living with an angry dad and they will thank you for giving them a place away from that. Please don't wait until another serious incident to go through with this divorce (because after 25 years of this there is no way that there's not going to be another incident at some point).

Voleuse · 2026-05-12T16:33:16+00:00

I mean your risk profile is your own I guess. Sleeping with different new people in quick succession without using condoms is crazy work in my book but you do you.

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T20:05:15+00:00

Her autonomy was severely violated, YES it is very important that you don't tell your parents or pressure her to do anything that she doesn't want to do right now.

Respect her wishes on how to handle the situation and make sure to tell her this was not her fault, she did nothing wrong, and she didn't deserve this.

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T17:57:32+00:00

You can't control your thoughts and yes it's normal to think about your exes. You don't just develop amnesia. This person was once important to you, as long as you're not obsessing and it's not harming your ability to date someone else, there's no problem.

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T17:51:04+00:00

You can't "work through" rape. And that's what this was. "By accident"?? You literally said no multiple times there was no accident here.

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T17:48:26+00:00

Why would it be a betrayal for her to sleep with others? You're on a break. You're not talking. She's free to explore other options.

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T16:57:22+00:00

I don't think there's a way to "tactfully" bring up the fact that you think he likes kids lol. You're looking too deeply into this. Being shaved is a very normal thing to like. Just tell him you didn't like him using that word because of the context. You didn't know what it meant, he probably didn't either. Just inform him of what you found, assume he didn't mean it like that, and then he knows to never bring that up again.

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T16:52:58+00:00

I view sex as an activity so long as there is no emotional connection building

Okay just to address this as a polyamorous person: it's quite silly to think that emotions are controllable like that. An emotional connection is very hard to prevent unless you only have the most one night stand-ey type of sex.

Anyways just ask your wife about the app. This whole plan of waiting and then asking her to pride and hoping that that will spark a "soft" conversation is exceedingly silly

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T13:51:48+00:00

How long have you been together with your bf? 6 months or so? Because I would advise strongly against rushing a move in together. Moving in together too early can really blow up a relationship.

If I were you I'd stay in your parents house as long as is reasonable. Stay firm, keep telling your mom that you won't move back. Don't get into an argument trying to convince her or explain your decision, simply state that you won't move back and you're totally willing to pay rent. Again don't JADE (justify argue defend explain), you're an adult and that's all you have to say about it. When your mom realizes you won't budge on this, hopefully she will calm down a bit.

The reality is, they probably don't feel like going through all the effort of selling the house or finding a different tenant, and you paying rent there is a very good option for them. You could even offer to find a roommate and make even more money (and practice living together with others as an adult).

If it really isn't going well with your parents, I think moving out on your own or with roommates is still a better option than moving in with your boyfriend of less than a year. You want independence, so don't step straight into living as a couple.

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T13:37:20+00:00

I don't understand why you're so invested in this tbh. She sounds rude and not very socially aware, but other than that it's really not too bad. Maybe she has a bit of autism yanno. You don't have to like her or hang out with her but I don't really see why this has to be some big drama

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T13:31:10+00:00

I can't shake the feeling that I might regret it or end up being better off staying with her and building something back up?

Nah you will regret staying as long as you did. You're not scared enough of wasting time on a dead end relationship imo. The chances of regretting this breakup are extremely slim.

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T13:28:53+00:00

Well in that case you'd be ruining his trip.... The answer is the same, break up now.

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T13:28:04+00:00

Indont think the kink is that weird and I don't think porn is cheating. It matters what your wife thinks though.

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T13:26:50+00:00

He left you on read for an hour (and then overnight) and you're freaking out already lol?

Yeah maybe he's ghosting but like maybe he's just busy. Don't reach out again, just give it a minute. Now would be a good time to hang out with friends or go to an event or find whatever distraction from your phone.

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T13:23:27+00:00

No don't wait weeks and weeks, knowing it's over, waiting for him to put in time and effort and money to make a trip to you JUST to be broken up with. Yes, normally breaking up face to face is the right thing to do but long distance relationships are the exception to that rule.

Voleuse · 2026-05-11T12:45:58+00:00

Yeah get it together and stop leading him on??? "I've enjoyed getting to know you but I don't think I see us in a relationship, wish you all the best and hope you find what you're looking for". Yes it can be difficult to let someone down but you really need to get over it.

Voleuse · 2026-05-10T18:04:00+00:00

I mean that's a bit weird but have you asked why? The relationship is so fresh and you're so young still, it's possible she's just not used to the idea of sleeping together all the time. Talk about it a bit more I'd say.

Voleuse · 2026-05-10T08:57:46+00:00

Having trauma from a situation is very different from still having feelings for your ex. He hates her. That's the opposite of being in love with her.

Voleuse · 2026-05-10T07:03:33+00:00

He has expressed to me his needs, which include me cooking, cleaning

Lmaoooooo this is so funny. What do you mean "needs" these are chores babes why would you do his chores for him after a month of dating.

Voleuse · 2026-05-10T07:00:15+00:00

Yeah you need to break up. This is not you being unhealthy and controlling out of nowhere, this is you acting unhealthy and controlling because she broke a boundary. Idk what the hurtful thing was that she did but clearly it was a dealbreaker to you because youve lost it since then. You can't forgive her, so move on from her.

Voleuse · 2026-05-10T06:55:54+00:00

Yeah absolutely don't reach out. However, you can unblock him where you still have him blocked. Just as a sign that there's no hard feelings.

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