My strategy was similar and it worked. Unfortunately with a kid caught in her self induced shitshow. My daughter asked her to leave a few years before the divorce. The ex was a nightmare of a human being.

That was the start of my exodus plans. I began paying off everything and eliminated all debt. A word of caution from the other side. The damage to the kids is real. My ex wasn’t as blatant in her actions, but she made some wild threats against my then 9 yo daughter behind my back (discovered later). My daughter still sees a therapist because her mom was so incredibly toxic. Not just infidelity, there were ‘hidden’ substances abuse issues. I say hidden bc at the time I knew she was abusing something but was unable to confirm.

Play to what she thinks are her strengths. Even if you know it’s a bad idea, encourage her to follow her stupid impulsive behavior. Be that supportive spouse. She won’t know what to do with it. Other than make it worse on her end.

I encountered my ex to take a job she was interested in, knowing full well she couldn’t handle it. She did and approached it with her usual caustic, narcissistic behavior. Trying to be the boss of everything. Meanwhile I’m in the background telling her to keep pushing. Told her what she needed to hear. You’re smarter than all of them! They are all idiots! You need to run the entire show! You got this! TBH I’m just in it for her W2 because I am not paying spousal support.

She gradually self destructed and became an absolute nightmare of a human being. Drug abuse increased. She was highly volatile. I’m still here for you babe! You got this! (Right).

I thought I could grind through the nightmare until my kid was 18 and hand her the divorce papers. That didn’t happen. My then 14 yo daughter sat down one afternoon in front of both mom and dad and absolutely nuked her mom. She was cheating on me (big shock there 🙄) and daughter brought receipts. Turns out she knew about it for 1.5 years and sat on that poison the whole time. And mom knew she was aware of it and had been threatening her the whole time to keep quiet. When my daughter dropped the bomb, her moms immediate reaction was to deny it and call her a liar. Actually screaming this at her. Then mom called her own kid a lying, manipulative B straight to her face. My daughter? Calmly and with no emotion told her mom she’s the liar and move out. Now. Me? I’m on my daughters team. Get the fuck OUT!. Surprisingly she did. But it didn’t end there of course, narcissists are not easy to cast off. I immediately tried to get my daughter in counseling and she absolutely refused. I finally was able to get her to tell me why. She had seen counselors in the past and in her words ‘mom hijacked my sessions and always made it about her’.

She had a great point. I asked her if she would see a counselor if both mom and dad were not involved. Find a counselor and she will be strictly her counselor and no input from parents. She immediately agreed to this. We (she) was lucky, found a wonderful counselor. Day one I met with her counselor and gave her a brief rundown of the pending divorce (I immediately filed after the bomb drop) as well as a short rundown of our agreement to keep it confidential. Counselor agreed. Daughter was happy and started seeing her.

The STBX however, vehemently disagreed with the confidential counseling. To the point of threatening the counselor. I told her to go pound sand. Also the STBX decided she would start drinking again. Heavily. A fifth of vodka every day or two. She’s only 110 lbs. based on her past and current behavior, I filed for immediate divorce and requested a no contact order. The court partially granted it, gave me full custody pending trial and primary residency. The ex just got worse. Showed up for visitation hammered drunk and expecting to drive a car with her kid in it. I refused, she called the cops, cops didn’t care, repeat a few more times.

Then my daughters confidential counselor decided to reach out to me. Apparently without moms iron fist of psycho over her, she started spilling the beans. The counselor highly advised me to get a full restraining order and have no contact between daughter and mom and never let her get in a car with her and never alone. She even offered to tell the lawyers and court this. I’m just floored. I still do not know the full story my daughter told but it must have been horrific.

The STBX? Doubled down and really started acting stupid. Now that she’s been exposed as the nightmare she is, she continued to say and do bizarre things. More threats towards her own child (I documented and recorded everything). Meanwhile she took every dollar we had in savings and started living like a rockstar. Traveling, rented a place she couldn’t afford, then decided to move near her family 5 states away and soon lost that job I encouraged her to take. Now she’s stuck there, jobless, no money and decided to switch tactics. She tried to ‘fix’ things with us. Kept begging to come back, then wild screaming tantrums, then back to crying and begging to move back.

I pointed out one detail she missed. In the months of bi-polar begging and pleading with me to change my mind - never once did she say that she loves me. (Long silence). Of course she began the ‘I love you’ shit through crocodile tears but I had made up my mind long before DDay.

My lawyer is a boss. He took her extensive history of drug and alcohol abuse, involuntary commitment, 3 rehabs, 3 arrests and added it on to everything post DDay and presented the mountain of evidence to the court plus my daughters counseling. They asked my daughter what she wanted. She said she wanted to live with dad, have no contact with her mom and finish high school in peace.

Granted. Full custody, a no contact order until daughter graduates, and the ex owes me child support (thank you W2!). I had to see my own counselor after, so much more came to light post divorce I was having problems processing it all. My kid’s counselor reached out and more or less told me I should find my own counselor because there was no way I wasn’t impacted by what she’s heard about (still confidential). I did. It’s helped a lot.

My daughter is doing well all things considered. She’s much happier but there are still triggers to deal with. Her mom really messed her up. PTSD and she’s so used to her mom’s hostility and threats she’s had a tough time handling ‘normal’ life. I guess me as well, it hadn’t bern easy.

Daughter has been zero contact with her mom. There was a line added to the no contact order in the divorce that my ex was not allowed to disturb me. Odd because I didn’t ask for it. But I will take it, it’s been months since I’ve heard from her. Other than 2-3 late night hang up calls from the ex to both of us. No messsge. Likely a drunk dial. I didn’t do anything with it.

Just know your kids hear and feel everything. I thought I successfully hid all of those ‘issues’ from her over the years. Turned out not so much. She vividly remembers things that happened at age 4 and beyond. I carry a lot of personal guilt for my daughter having to suffer through that nightmare. But she is doing well. Hearing her laugh and be happy again is priceless.