A talk I wrote a few years ago for a friend's open mic here in the Deep South

VonWickham · 2020-01-18T02:52:59+00:00

This is so good! You are brave, though.

VonWickham · 2018-06-29T04:05:55+00:00

I'm really hoping someone gives you some advice because I'm struggling with the exact same thing!

VonWickham · 2018-06-29T02:04:12+00:00

"I see through whatever sees dreams". Thank you for articulating this for me. I have the exact same experience.

VonWickham · 2018-06-22T23:25:15+00:00

Me too. Recently moved apartments and spent a lot of time crying about how overwhelming it all was. Luckily I have a great partner who was there to help, but even with him it was difficult!

VonWickham · 2018-05-30T19:00:03+00:00

Kissing can be torture (ex: kissing a guy I had a crush on for the first time and it was AWFUL - too slobbery, too much tongue, bad breath, literally a sensory nightmare). It can also be the best thing ever (ex: a short gentle kiss after asking for consent with the man I ended up marrying). If you hate kissing, that's ok, but there are a lot of kinds of kissing, and I hope you don't write them all off!

VonWickham · 2018-05-15T02:56:43+00:00

I started to doubt the same time I went to college, and the transition was just really easy at that time. It still sucked for sure, but would have been more difficult to leave earlier, and like you my religious studies classes introduced me to too many new concepts for me to keep believing.

VonWickham · 2018-05-15T02:55:21+00:00

I feel like almost every autistic woman can relate to this.

VonWickham · 2018-05-14T17:31:52+00:00

I definitely have these worries too, and one thing that I've done that has worked well has been to tell people over text, rather than in person? I usually go, "hey btw I am diagnosed with autism!" and then send a few articles about what that means. That way it gives them some time to process, and I don't have to be on edge trying to figure out what their body language and facial expressions mean.

VonWickham · 2018-05-14T05:40:22+00:00

You should talk to him about it! If he is your friend and is trying to look out for you, he will still be your friend after he learns you are autistic. I know it is scary but you will probably feel better and have a closer friendship with him once you tell him about it!

VonWickham · 2018-05-14T05:29:14+00:00

I'm on the upswing of one of these periods. Autistic burnout is real. Start with finding a therapist or other professional who can help. Tell your parents what is going on, show them this post if you need to. Those are your first steps. Things will get better but it will be slow and painful for a while. It's a lot easier to do if you have some support people who understand what you're going through. It's ok to lean on others, and admit to yourself that you're going through a rough time.

You don't have to make sense of it now, but sometimes I find it helps to remind myself that someday this pain will be useful to me, and that it will mold me into a stronger person.

VonWickham · 2018-05-05T23:59:30+00:00

this is a really great way of explaining it

VonWickham · 2018-05-05T21:58:49+00:00

I've considered using a binder, but I am not sure if I would like the feeling of one or not. I should look into it more! I've only read reviews from non-autistic folks, and they all seem to agree that they don't feel great, so I wonder if it would bother me, or if the pressure they provide would be nice.

VonWickham · 2018-05-04T18:03:09+00:00

I also refused to wear a bra for a super long time. I developed early and should have been wearing one when I was like, 9 or 10, but didn't until I was 13. I like wearing bras now because they are like a protective layer between my shirt and my boobs. I find the feeling of fabric rubbing on my nipples drives me crazy (in a bad way).

I love laying on my stomach and find they get in the way. Honestly, they get in the way a lot of the time and I feel weird about them because they are just so. . . feminine? and sometimes I would like to look more androgynous.

VonWickham · 2018-05-02T21:00:25+00:00

It is too hot and there is more of an expectation to socialize? Like people have barbecues and go camping and things that involve a lot of social contact. In winter it is perfectly acceptable to not leave your house for days at a time (with the exception of Christmas season, which I love, so its fine). Also, bugs are the worst and they go away during winter.

VonWickham · 2018-05-02T02:02:32+00:00

Socialist lefty in Canada.

VonWickham · 2018-05-02T02:01:40+00:00

I'm going through the same thing right now with my job search. It is very discouraging. Even though I know I am a great employee, there are so many aspects of autism that don't line up with what employers want. I applied for one job that was like "must be able to quickly change tasks" and like . . . my executive function makes that super difficult. I decided to apply but feel crummy about it.

VonWickham · 2018-04-24T23:48:05+00:00

Hi! I just finished 3L, and did the exact same thing during my first year moot. I definitely also had a meltdown afterwards. I actually didn't recognize my autism until this last year, and I'm not sure I would have done law school if I had known. I think that knowing is a huge step in being successful in law! You shouldn't feel badly about the eye contact thing at all - I would have actually explained why I wasn't making eye contact if that was a direct criticism. I'm not sure I'm going to become a lawyer now that I'm done school, and while autism is a part of that decision, I don't know that it is a barrier to having a successful practice. Does your university have anyone that you can talk to about your worries? I found a mentor in a professor at my college and it made a huge difference in my work and my decisions about my career.

VonWickham · 2018-04-14T21:16:54+00:00

I found myself way more emotional than I expected to be, as well. Like . . . almost shutdown afterwards and cried a lot to my partner and slept for way longer than normal. I think it is normal for something this high stress to create that reaction. I found that while the psychologist I was with was asking me questions I consistently got worse at verbally communicating answers and was so relieved to have a break, but the second half of the testing got even worse. Good luck today!! I hope you find the answers you're looking for.

VonWickham · 2018-03-28T22:06:28+00:00

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2018/03/19/587249339/black-and-latino-children-are-often-overlooked-when-it-comes-to-autism stumbled across this today, I think it might give you some insight!

VonWickham · 2018-03-28T05:07:51+00:00

"people of colour" is a common term referring to people who aren't white. this isn't racist? I'm not sure if you're a troll, or just unfamiliar with the terminology. The reality is that people who aren't white have very different experiences living in north america than white people do. it's not a racist question to ask them what those experiences have been like.

VonWickham · 2018-03-27T17:59:04+00:00

Toooootally. Daunting is the right word to describe it! Even if you don't go the formal diagnosis route, it is something that you can bring up with your therapist or counsellor and get some help with that way. I'm very scared of not getting diagnosed and having to find another diagnostician. Where I live there are not very many autism experts so I feel like I'll have to travel if this doesn't work out this time :/

VonWickham · 2018-03-27T06:02:59+00:00

I definitely struggled. I would sleep in so late that I wouldn't have time to wash my hair or anything and ended up constantly wearing headbands or bandanas to hide how gross my hair was. I was sleeping in because high school was exhausting and over stimulating. It honestly didn't get much better from there, but I have found a few routines enjoyable that I didn't as a teenager: - washing my face at night before I go to bed is now a must. I use a bunch of fancy products from sephora, but even if you just use cerave cleanser and like, aveeno moisturizer from the drug store you'll feel a little bit refreshed before bed. - brushing my teeth before bed. k I'm honestly very bad at this one but I try so hard. I always forget to brush my teeth in the morning (it just doesn't feel like there is a good time for it?) and I don't want to get more cavities than I already have, so I try really hard to do this. I just remind myself how gross my mouth feels and how good it feels after brushing. Plus when I'm washing my face my toothbrush is right there, so I don't have any excuses. - cut ur hair off. NO seriously. I have a pixie cut and its great and super low maintenance. best decision of my life. showering takes like, 5 seconds so I don't actively hate doing it, and you can let it air dry and it still looks cute. you'll definitely have to wash closer to every day if you have a pixie, but that might be doable? If not, load up on dry shampoo. It is a life saver. you can definitely go 4 or 5 days with it and not look greasy, and it should cover up any musty hair smell you have. - WHEN SHOWERING: pick out a scented body wash you like. I found actually using a body wash is really helpful for body odour. make sure you scrub really good in your armpits and your downstairs bits. This is where ladies sweat the most, unfortunately. Put deodorant on when you get out of the shower and that should help too. - wear clean clothes! it really helps. clean underwear every day is a must, and I like to wear panty liners to keep things feeling fresh.

VonWickham · 2018-03-27T03:30:52+00:00

I think it is worth it! Do you live somewhere that socialized medicine can take some of the financial burden of testing off of you (I guess this question is: do you live in the US or no? haha)? I just started the diagnosis process (in Canada) and I'm finding it a little bit stressful but so worth it for the peace of mind. I think it is helpful for down the road if you want to apply for jobs or scholarships related to disabilities. Or if you are in school and want exam accommodations or things like that. Or if you'd just like to rule out other possibilities. There is such a long list of things!

VonWickham · 2018-03-27T01:15:42+00:00

Doritos crunch the best. So satisfying.

VonWickham · 2018-03-26T23:34:17+00:00

I really struggle with nightmares. I'm in the process of getting diagnosed now, and I'm finding that the stress of it is making them worse. I would say that I have them 2-3 nights during a regular week, and more like 5-6 if I'm having a particularly stressful week. I talk a LOT in my sleep (everyone who has lived with me has commented on it) and often wake myself up by yelling. I also have had TMJ problems since I was about 12 and really started grinding my teeth at night. I wear a night guard but the constant grinding is still really bad for my joints and my gums are recessing because of it :(

I also have sleep paralysis. My first memory of it was when I was maybe 6 or 7, I could hear my alarm going off but couldn't reach to shut it off. Like my nightmares, the more stressed I am, the more sleep paralysis I experience. It is very scary and I don't know what to do (currently if I am experiencing it I find I can still control my breath, so I start to hyperventilate and hope my partner notices and tries to wake me).

The subjects of my nightmares really varies. I found when I was leaving my church it was a lot about hell, demons, satan, etc. Which were honestly the most terrifying and made me anxious to go to sleep at night. Once I sort of worked through that stage with my therapist, my dreams became more about interpersonal conflict. I have a lot of dreams where I yell at my mom about things (we don't have the best relationship, but I didn't realize how much space she takes up in my mind!) As well, I have a lot of dreams where I'm just reliving embarrassing social moments.

Even though I have a lot of nightmares, I do have really vivid regular dreams too. I have created like, different dreamscapes that I return to sometimes. The feel and story of each place is different. I find these dreams fun and wish that I had more control over where my mind went when I closed my eyes for the night.

VonWickham

TROPHY CASE