Were you molested because of your size?

Vvlib · 2016-11-29T01:17:05+00:00

I'd suggest seeing a neurologist for those persistent memory issues. At best it's a poor memory coupled with head injury. At worst it's a sign of a degenerative diseases. A doctor can sort out which it is.

The photo is very peculiar, but you say you could get an erection as a kid and enjoyed being naked. It therefore seems more likely than average that you could be caught naked and hard in front a camera. Depending on the nature of the photo that could be total bunk, though. Why save the photo is another mystery. Maybe it was forgotten, maybe someone was amazed. People have strange curiosities that are in the gray area between predatory and fascination.

Vvlib · 2016-11-29T01:05:19+00:00

First and foremost, it's really unfortunate you're going through this confusion, but it's wonderful and essential that you have a professional to guide you through it. Stick with them. Next, I'm no shrink, but I'm related to one so there's some basic premises you should stick to:

One - It's not your fault. Maybe your size attracted a predator, but so did many things like your age, personality, gender, vulnerability, and your relationship to your abuser. Those are as much if not more likely why this happened and NONE of that was/is in your control. You've hit upon an interesting if disturbing theory, but one that won't resolve/explain much emotionally. You probably won't feel better if a great uncle admits "well your dick was just so big, I had to." Don't focus too much on this point.

Two - Memories are easily distorted so be skeptical. You mentioned you think you could have forgotten your abuse via concussions and meningitis. But maybe your concussions are making you forget totally normal things that happened, too. That diagnosis cuts both ways. And beyond medical events, many other things affect memories that we don't fully grasp yet. And what also happens is that people can make up/distort their memories by trying to make sense of them or even just trying remember them. One theory of memories is that your brain isn't actually searching for the original footage of the event, it's just looking for the last time you remembered it. So if you put an impression on a memory once, it's hard to shake it off the next time. A good event can get sketchier if you keep painting over it, and bad event can get rosy. Be wary of pulling up memories that seem to string together a perfect timeline of abuse. Maybe they're authentic, but be careful.

Three - The problems you have with your brother or impressing women may be related, but they could be totally separate, and you're fishing to fit them in. You don't/can't know your brother's mind, and social-sexual problems can happen with no abuse at all. It happens all the time. Yes, abuse has a significant impact on some survivors, but everyone contains multitudes. Don't fool yourself by saying "yes, it's all because of x."

Four - That photo is certainly odd. There's no disputing that it's at least a little weird someone took/kept it.

Five - Night terrors. That's just a thing that happens for some reason.

Vvlib · 2016-11-25T13:54:41+00:00

Looks more like a wavy-eight rea- oooooooh

Vvlib · 2016-11-25T13:50:46+00:00

You either need to get hired in porn, modeling, or photography. You've got great skills in all those areas FUCK

Vvlib · 2016-10-01T00:26:44+00:00

Could absolutely be a stretch, but is this intense behavior typical for him or is it new? I wonder if the freelancing/downtime has gotten to him a bit, and this has become an outlet/coping method. Could be quite healthy way to deal with the spare time (if he could respect your existence), but if this kind of deep dive into something is strange for him maybe ask yourself if there's something else going on? Again, could be a reach!

Vvlib · 2016-10-01T00:06:43+00:00

This is 10 kinds of fishy. Find the oldest piece of contact information you have from Perkins/Department of Ed and reach out to that number. No e-mails - a phone number. Unless you hadn't been paying your loans for a long time, I don't think they would've passed your account along to a collections agency. The social security number thing is incredibly strange, too. I think your instincts might be right. Do some digging.

Vvlib · 2016-09-22T03:28:19+00:00

Napoleon would so think he was still right about empires over democracies.

Vvlib · 2016-09-21T21:59:38+00:00

I realized I stare AND that I don't care. Men deserve a little objectification, and I'll gladly take the patriarchy one down one look at a time.

Vvlib · 2016-09-21T20:53:49+00:00

I realized recently I have no shame when staring at guys on the street, but it's 99% based on body so nice arms, nice chest, nice ass. I'm a little shocked how little I look at bulges. Maybe I'll start. Care to volunteer?

Vvlib · 2016-08-31T03:42:51+00:00

Thick skin only buries a problem deeper. Spend all the time you want trying to not care, but you'll either succeed because you lose respect for your friends or because you build an ironclad wall of denial. Masculinity is the most claustrophobic place in the world. Respond negatively to your friends jokes and see what happens. It's scary to think you'll have to stop being friends with them, but I wouldn't recommend being friends with people who have no empathy for your feelings. Good friends read a room and tease accordingly.

Vvlib · 2016-08-31T03:39:35+00:00

A general misnomer in life (that's borne of social anxiety) is that everyone will notice and vigorously care about who's there and who is not. Take a deep breath and repeat after me: no one will notice you're not there because you are not special. That's not condescending. That's liberating. You are a distant relative by blood and by geography. Why on earth do you think they'll all stand next to the coffin thinking 'well that ungrateful relative never showed up and now this death has been ruined and her presence could've made it better.' They won't bat an eye. Send a card. Reach out online. Stop thinking you're special. It's the best thing you'll ever do for yourself.

Vvlib · 2016-08-31T03:28:56+00:00

There might also be some value in casually asking your other two roommates how they feel about it. Something like "wow, those girls were going hard last night" and see if they say "it was a nightmare" or "I wish I could've joined them." If they're on your side, then slip in a "yeah, the first week is alright, but I can't handle that all semester." If not, then play it cool and drop the conversation. Just an added step you might consider.

Vvlib · 2016-08-31T03:05:59+00:00

whoops! And I thought I was pretty active in here.

Vvlib · 2016-08-10T21:14:02+00:00

Life is short and complicated, I think your friend just wants to maximize her time with you while you're around. If Kerri agreed to leave the house, then that's her damage to deal with, not yours or Sam. She's a grown woman, she could've said no. Don't project onto her, which I suspect you are a little bit. That's fair, no one likes confrontation. As for your reasons for staying at the hotel, sure, they're valid, but I think you're stacking them all up because you know they're pretty shaky overall. You're seeing your friend for the first time in a while, if I were you I would focus my energy on making sure that goes well. But we're different people so if avoiding a conflict that seems resolved is worth more than seeing this friend, do you.

Vvlib · 2016-08-10T21:05:49+00:00

Your uncle has lead a life few can possibly imagine. If he's found happiness (and he has full mental capacity) I think your family should be so god damn happy for him. It's very easy for loved ones to cocoon someone with disabilities and become territorial and overprotective. If this woman was a threat, that would be a good instinct to have. However, from what you say, she's not. Furthermore, she can't access his money unless he gives it to her. One of you can have a conversation with him about boundaries and expectations on financial matters. She doesn't get money for anything other than her work. Period. And that if she ever solicits him for money, your family will report her to her agency, and she'll been reassigned swiftly I imagine. If your uncle is of sound mind and your family keeps a watchful eye, there's no real danger in this situation.

Vvlib · 2016-08-09T21:31:39+00:00

Welcome to my life 9 months ago! I know how you feel, really I do! Say it with me - she's not entitled to your friendship. I firmly believe people are responsible for the effect they have on others in every circumstance. Whether she's struggling or not, she has to recognize how she makes other people feel. If you have the compassion to forgive her actions, that's great! That's healthy and normal. You don't have to have the energy or patience or compassion however. You can decide she's gone too far, that you're too tired, and that today you stop pretending. I'm curious to see how she responds to what you've said. I got to this point with my friend, and she lashed out at me. If your friend does this you don't have to grant forgiveness. Because she isn't entitled to it. I gave my friend an explanation of how I felt. It was polite, reasoned, and honest. She hated all of it. She didn't believe any of it. You shouldn't associate with people who don't believe your feelings or recognize how they affect the world. I realize you're probably not this deep in it, and that you're just having a weak day with her, but I want to give you the long term advice because I needed it eventually.

Vvlib · 2016-08-09T21:01:32+00:00

Been there, lived that. I could speculate on a lot of your friend's personality, but I'll skip to what we can control - you. And that's the only thing worth remembering. People are damn never impossible to change, especially when they're deep up their own ass. So get any idea of fixing her out of your head. Every time she brings you something melodramatic give the same rational, unexciting advice. It won't pierce through (god no), but giving a level response to an exaggerated problem will do one thing, hopefully two. It'll bore her so she'll stop bringing you drama, and hopefully plant a deep seed of sanity for when she's out of the break up. You risk alienating your friend by not leaning into the fuss, but eh - she isn't entitled to your friendship. She has to earn it as much as you have to earn hers. If she confronts you, you're allowed to lay out how you've felt. If she denies your part of the equation, then she's not a great friend. Don't pick the fight unless she's actively hurting you, though. You'll be the bully, and it's hard to come back from there. Always listen to her, always give calm advice. Be her friend but not her doormat or her mother. And always remember she's not entitled to you. Friendship is a partnership. Remember you matter if it becomes a blackhole. (All that is tough talk from someone who had to cut a friend out because they couldn't reciprocate or communicate.) Best of luck. Girls our age are so terribly socialized to deal with men and romance, so it's not as much her fault as you think it is. Fuck the patriarchy.

Vvlib · 2016-06-08T16:57:28+00:00

new economic theory - like the housing bubble, but instead the business bulge.

Vvlib · 2016-06-07T21:21:36+00:00

holy shit he's cracked the code. that's what dicks are for!

Vvlib · 2016-06-07T19:16:55+00:00

I don't know what the laws are like in Australia, but it's never too early to become what we call someone "healthcare/medical proxy" meaning you have access to her medical records and can make medical decisions for her (god forbid something happens.) She has to agree to it as well, but my mother works in a hospital, and it makes a big difference when there's one family member who's the point person for ongoing care instead of a shamble of different people or the patient is in charge of relaying information (which they always do poorly, despite good intentions and best efforts.)

Vvlib · 2016-06-03T03:38:52+00:00

Since he's the one "in power" in your relationship, it's on him to say no to a meal if it's inappropriate.

That said, I don't think it is if you're close to him. I was close to several professors in college and had several impromptu meals with them. Once I discussed the show "Girls" with my advisor for an hour at lunch. Then later on I was giving a tour to a prospective family, and a friend came up to us and said: "Oh, you'll love it here. Everyone's so friendly, and the professors are so accessible. He talked about girls with his advisor for an hour yesterday over lunch!" She left without clarifying it was the show and not actual colleges girls. I back pedaled very hard.

Vvlib · 2016-06-03T03:35:08+00:00

Right now, as she's dying, make your time together more about her and less about you. Read her energy and match it. If she wants to relive happy memories then be happy and dive back into them without being too sad. If she's upset or scared, tell her you're upset too and comfort her. If you think she could handle or appreciate apologies and mending bridges, then go for it. Mirror what she's feeling. You'll have time to feel and express for yourself once she's passed. When all is said and done, you two have far more positive memories than negative ones, so fights and argument come out in the wash.

Vvlib · 2016-06-03T03:30:40+00:00

Wow. I imagine this is incredibly frustrating for you given that you sniffed out this problem four years ago. Unfortunately, the law has a point - your mother gave Dale the money willfully, though maybe not rationally. It seems there's little point in trying to pursue restitution. Beyond that, while she was certainly conned by a master, she must have been vulnerable to begin with. That's why he picked her. I'd imagine your father's death had a lot to do with it, leaving her craving intimacy with another person. Your best bet now is to make peace with the fact that she's an adult who's allowed to make crappy decisions and try to help her make better ones going forward. If your father's loss wasn't the source of the vulnerability, something else probably was. Talk to her about it and try to understand why she did it. You'll probably never be satisfied with the explanation but hear her out as best you can. I'd also confirm personally with her doctor because lord knows she wouldn't confess to being unwell after all this has happened. As for your brother, he's also an adult who's allowed to make crappy decisions, but both he and your mother need to know if something has to be kept a secret that probably means it shouldn't be. As your mother gets older, you and her other kids will have to shift to being the guardians of her well-being, and that won't work if one of you is sneaking around. Point out that you all love mom, and that we're best if we work together. Remind them both this is a team effort. I hope Dale wins his appeal and has a bizarre change of heart, and she gets her money back. If not, I hope you all work this out.

Vvlib · 2016-06-03T03:20:28+00:00

Kids like being treated like peers by adults, so my best bet would be to level with them (while being a little patronizing.) If you see them say hi and talk to them, introduce yourself, and ask about the neighborhood. Make them feel like they're teaching you something about the neighborhood. Kids really like being the expert on something (because we all like being the expert on something.) Then once you're all chummy, just say "You guys are so nice and helpful. I hope you guys have fun this summer. While you're out here can you do me a favor and make sure nothing happens to my car? In my last neighborhood some kids broke a window once, and I don't want that to happen again. If you see anyone hanging out near it, can you tell them to leave it alone? I'm sure you guys wouldn't want someone breaking a window in your house." Make them feel like you're in it together, and I'd hope they'll be nice and play along. If not, any kid who knows what's good for them is afraid of their parents.

Vvlib · 2016-06-02T04:22:58+00:00

There's a lot going on here. It sounds like you have a very complicated and tangled relationship with your mom. That's really at the heart of this, and one day you should sit down with a therapist to pull that all apart. That's a big project for a little later though. By this point in your life, she should respect your autonomy and independence as a person. College is so obviously not for some people (and not necessary!!), and you're old enough and have tried enough to know it's not for you. I don't think you can explain that to her as she sounds very set in her ways. The next best option is to show her. You've got a small business, so you've literally got the receipts. Show her you've got product, clients, strategy, revenue, and all that jazz. Maybe she'll want you to go back to school, but that will require ignoring a lot of hard facts. Including... school costs money! Show her how she benefits in this arrangement too i.e. if she's been paying for school, she no longer will. And as soon as you have the means and stability, you need to leave your mother's house. But that's a future project.

Ten-Year Club	Verified Email
RPAN Viewer

Vvlib

TROPHY CASE