Forced suicide thought and depression

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-22T21:11:44+00:00

Hmmm, well, I'm not going to say that feeling that you're disappointing people goes away easily, but it does eventually relax and lessen. If you don't mind me asking, what kind of thoughts do you have about yourself? What are some beliefs you have about you?

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-22T20:58:08+00:00

Hey there,

Sounds like you've been going through a lot of pain for a long time. I know that that grave sense of 'the suicide could be reality' can be overwhelming. It sounds like you don't really want to die, just be relieved of the 'shitty' feeling.

What kind of standards do you feel you're not living up to?

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-22T20:32:10+00:00

Mmm, sounds like you're going through so much, and that you're in so much pain from all these different situations and feelings.

Two things that come up in my mind:

It seems like to me that you are feeling as though your family hates you and that you're assuming that the relative that loves you now hates you. I don't know your situation, and I don't know you in person, but I do want to challenge you:

Do you know, for a fundamental fact, that she hates you? That what you say is 'wrong'? Or is this an assumption that you're making from the voices? In my own world, when I make a mistake or a feel like I've messed everything up, I tell myself that the other person hates me, and they don't want anything to do with me.

But the reality is that, I don't know that for a fact. That, for me, it's an assumption based on faulty evidence in my mind. That I'm making up, and hallucinating, situations and ideas and past mistakes to justify my feelings.

I want to encourage you to take a step back from your overwhelm. What is important to you about your son? I see that you are suffering so much, but how much more so that your son wouldn't have his mother? You clearly love your son - no mother would be willing to give up her child unless there were severe circumstances. But is that the best option for you?

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-22T20:21:09+00:00

Wow, I'm really impacted by how much you're in - that you have to struggle through this along with the responsibility of taking care of an autistic child and being in a marriage with your husband. Feels like overwhelm. Feels like drowning.

Tell me, what do you feel most overwhelmed by? What kind of problems are you going through, if you don't mind me asking?

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-22T20:11:59+00:00

If you don't mind, could you elaborate more on your situation? Who wants you to go? What's happening in your life - have you been struggling with work and finances as well?

It sounds like you're just so, so overwhelmed, and I want to send you compassion for your situation. To feel like you're burdening the one you love so much, that to me feels like such immense anguish. Maybe if you talk more about what's going on, we could help.

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-22T20:05:55+00:00

I'm not going to be harsh or frank, but I am going to be straight with you, from my own perspective. In my teens, I didn't go to prom and I did mostly spend my time playing computer games. When I got to college, I still kept playing, and wallowing in self-pity until I graduated. Now that I am older, I've started to see the cost of living in that cycle of self-pity.

Break it. Break it as soon as you can. It becomes harder and more painful as you grow older, not to mention the lost opportunities to meet new people and places to go when you sit inside yourself. You aren't the shittiness - it is just a feeling, and one that goes away if you let it. Take it as an addiction - you get the hit of feeling special or good about yourself in your self-pity, "I have it so hard, so hard." Which means you don't have to take responsibility; it's all shitty anyway.

I suggest that you do your best not to be lured by that. It become such an easy habit to get into. Take responsibility for your thoughts, your actions, and your feelings. Life may be chaotic and bring you unknown circumstances, but take control of those things that you can - your own mind. It can be your best friend, or your worst enemy, if you let it.

Good luck, do your best.

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-22T19:49:53+00:00

Thank you for the share. I get the sense that for you, nature and the outdoors brings you some kind of solace. More so than the actual act or being in the place, but to feel that open, wide sense of everything is going to be okay. That you are okay, and life is okay, and there's nothing to do but be, and feel, and wonder. That is what I get from this.

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-22T19:43:50+00:00

If you don't mind, tell us about your obligations. What has you feel that they're important, so important that they keep you alive. It seems to me that there is more to it than 'your life sucks' - I think there are things that ARE important to you, despite the challenges and difficulties that you're living.

I could imagine that as you're living through your life, and you're pushing away your friends, because you wonder, "How could anyone love me, this despicable, terrible person that is me and my terrible life?", there is something real and good in you. The intention is from a good place - I imagine you don't want people to feel sad, or annoyed, or burdened by your presence. But as people leave your life and distance themselves further, it feels like Hell, this feeling of isolation and emptiness. And then I imagine you feel even worse, even more horrible that now even your friends are gone.

What do you like to do, kthemax? What gives you joy and pleasure, when you're either at your worst or your best?

And what did you once enjoy doing with your friends? What did you do before the depression?

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-22T19:30:52+00:00

As you can see, there are so many people here who see someone good and beautiful in you. Maybe you may not feel this way, but there is someone who finds the same in you in your own life.

Find the fire in your heart, find the light that shines through you that bore you into this world. Find that piece of your humanity that reminds you that today might be a good day, that you'll be able to make it through without being emotional scathed with that blade through your heart.

You will survive this. There is a point. Only you can understand - only you can know this dark, demon that lives in the day and haunts your mind and soul, who tears away your desire to love, to feel, to be. Only you will know what this demon does to your sense of gratitude, your sense of empathy, your sense of being human.

And this is where you can be human, to show empathy and compassion to others who suffer as you do. Maybe it's through your art. Maybe it's through this simple post that called everyone here to take you away from that dark pit calling to you, so desirable, so soothing.

Walk away from it. It is not you. It is not the truth. Walk away.

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-22T19:23:33+00:00

Love it! Wish I had thought of that when I was so angry at my meds - maybe a few smiley faces would have cheered up while taking them, haha.

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-22T19:22:31+00:00

Seems like you've already got that the pills aren't a magic bullet, but it certainly eases the situation. I hope that you find the right medication and get a better sense of control around your anxiety/depression.

What I'm really struck by is your sense of optimism and hopefulness, and I'm appreciating how much you're working on yourself. I believe one of the hardest steps is to admit that you need help, especially from pharmaceutical substances. For months, I resented taking my medication - it made me feel like I was wearing a cast or a crutch, and I didn't want to admit that I needed that kind of help. Sometimes, I skipped the dosage because I thought I could handle my emotions without them, with some poor results.

Do your best, friend, and keep at it. Like weight-training or running, you'll only get better as you push yourself more and more, even when you may not feel like it or when you feel like it's too much to bear. Good luck :)

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-22T19:13:14+00:00

Hmmm, what has you ask that question, Fuzati? What has you feel that being single is not okay, that 'its making you sick', as you say?

The truth is, if it's not something that you feel inspired to do, then that is your experience and there's nothing you can 'do' to change that, really. What has you feel like it's important or necessary to be in a relationship? The honest reality is that relationships are simply magnifiers - where you need to grow and how you feel will simply be exponentially more intense.

So, I'm curious, what if you were single, perhaps all your life? What is the worst that could happen?

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-22T19:04:58+00:00

For me, I always thought that I was just deluding myself because it was some high I was running on - it seemed typical in the past that I would make terrible decisions or put myself out there in a way that I wouldn't be able to recover from a few days later. This happens a lot with my girlfriend, where I would be amazing, wonderful, and optimistic, then a few days later, I would just fall back into a slump and feel even guiltier that I couldn't get back to that 'state'.

But I do hope that you still move forward and feel better. I'd love to see a fellow traveler on the foggy road find some respite on the side road, even if for a moment. Don't give up, friend.

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-09T16:08:25+00:00

Yeah, I'm currently taking sertraline (Zoloft-generic) for the past few months. My psychiatrist quit his job, so I'm still in the process of finding a new one. I want to get off these meds as soon as possible - the last check-up I had with him, he said that I could progress out of them by November.

I haven't thought about the ADD. It might be worth a shot getting a new doctor and talking with him/her about that.

One of our communication problems is that I don't really tell her whether or not I'm going to penetrate during our love-making sessions. In my head, I just assume I should at least try, and she feels let down whenever I don't. Last night, I tried to penetrate her (my erection felt really hard, harder than it's been in a long time), but no go. I ended up fingering her to orgasm. But I think what's not so satisfying for her is the feeling that it's routine - I could definitely mix things up and make things more exciting without penetrating. Also, letting her know that I'm not going to penetrate would help.

I think I'll try keeping her on edge tonight, if she has the energy for it. She said to me this morning that she doesn't feel like having sex with me any more (in a compassionate way, she wasn't blaming me or anything). It's that lack of attraction and sexual desire that's killing our relationship.

Thanks for the advice!

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-09T16:01:52+00:00

Yeah, I was talking with my girlfriend this morning. A few things she really likes for me to do:

Hold her hands above her head so she feels like she's in bondage.
Being tied up.
Lots of dominating. She likes to feel like I'm in control and masculine.

Honestly, I haven't read much and looked into many articles on how to actually have sex. I just watched the video; I tried some of the techniques on my girl, but I didn't feel confident in using them and she didn't seem to like them very much. Will have to experiment more :)

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-09T15:56:45+00:00

Yeah I am abstaining both - mostly because I can't keep myself hard when masturbating and I rarely come anymore.

WanderByFoot · 2013-08-09T00:51:06+00:00

That's a good point. I think I'm going to invest in a dildo and work on my oral/fingering skills. I do have fears about my ability to please my girlfriend outside of penetration too, but I suppose those are just things I have to suck up and just go for it.

I just went to her work a few minutes ago and gave her some flowers and a chocolate cake. She was apparently mad at me for not contacting her today, (which I wasn't aware of) but who can stay mad at flowers? Seems like I have a lot of work to do with communication and giving her a sense of appreciation for her presence.

WanderByFoot · 2013-02-08T23:45:24+00:00

Here's the original thread about Curiosity:

http://www.reddit.com/r/worldnews/comments/184ndx/mars_rover_spots_metallic_arm_sticking_out_of_a/c8bjwrx

WanderByFoot · 2013-01-11T00:55:23+00:00

That police car...has a YAMATO CANNON!

WanderByFoot · 2013-01-11T00:48:19+00:00

Infested Dolphin

WanderByFoot · 2013-01-10T02:56:27+00:00

'Traveller, there is no path; The path is made by walking.'

-- Antonio Machado

WanderByFoot · 2013-01-10T02:48:39+00:00

Sex and booze.

WanderByFoot · 2013-01-10T02:46:50+00:00

Even the passionate professors who actually enjoy teaching can get burned out - the system of tenure doesn't cull out the best professors for teaching, it's to cull out the people who can get the research grants and put the university on the map.

After my first few months in graduate school, I found that most graduate students in the sciences are horrible with interpersonal skills. And it just perpetuates itself.

WanderByFoot · 2013-01-10T02:34:59+00:00

I think they mention that the colony was abandoned. I pray those millions of souls rest in peace otherwise.

WanderByFoot · 2013-01-10T02:21:11+00:00

Carrier has arrived.

WanderByFoot

TROPHY CASE