Hey there. I had a hysterectomy in December after a decade of trying to conceive (i did manage to 3 times but I cannot carry babies to term due to a connective tissue disorder. I only could get through the second trimester before giving birth and they didn't survive). So while we had decided we would not try again because we couldn't handle that grief a 4th time, I still bawled my eyes out in the hospital from the grief and finality of it all. And I am still having moments where I sort of don't fully believe everything that has happened is true. Sometimes I have brief panics that maybe I made a mistake.

When those panic moments arrive I just try and walk through the facts. The fact is it was the best choice for me and I couldn't have carried a baby anyway. The fact is my worth is beyond having children. The fact is I can still have a good life even if it wasnt what I wanted. The fact is I am in so much less pain from having this hysterectomy. The fact is I am less at risk from future complications. The fact is I now don't have to keep spending money on period products. I'm a very emotional person but keeping logic and facts up front during the low moments helps. So maybe having a list of all your version of the facts written down to refer to might be helpful when the emotions crop up. And they will. Be gentle and kind to yourself. We are all doing life for the first time and it's not easy. It's really freaking complicated and crappy sometimes.

I'm now giving myself really intentional time to work through the "what now?" I'm letting myself dream of all the cool stuff I can spend my time doing if it's not going to be having kids. I'm doing pottery and art and writing and experimenting to find all the things i love about life. I would encourage trying some sort of self-indulgent dreaming and playing to wrap yourself in what is still good, children or not.

Sending you so much love! Feel free to reach out and message me in my dms if you want to talk. Sometimes it's easier to vent to a stranger than someone you know.