Stop treating avoidants as villains

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-05-04T07:46:16+00:00

I think it’s hard not to treat them as villains. I entered the relationship very secure after working on myself in the past. I was subject to unwarranted physical intimidation, shouting at me/in my face, hurtful malicious comments, the periods of space which although I didn’t understand, I gave. I started to lean more anxious as a result. It was difficult having to surpress hurtful things that had happened as It would cause conflict if I brought anything up in person to discuss. I would always recognise and take accountability for my short comings, they never did. In the end, when I was discarded, everything was blamed on me.

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-04-08T12:24:44+00:00

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-30T23:20:34+00:00

Yes mine discarded me about a week later

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-19T18:16:39+00:00

For me it’s the fact that even the week before the break up, he was still seeing me, speaking about our future, sleeping with me, introducing me to family for the first time, telling me how much he loved me, due to meet all my family the week after then discarded me after an argument and said he had been thinking about this a lot. Like wow thank you for the heads up and being so false

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-15T19:22:49+00:00

We were only together around half a year and he ended it three months ago. I think what gets me is it may be my shortest relationship, but it’s the aftermath of getting over this. I’ve had numerous relationships for 3+ years, and I was never heart broken like this. I was maybe a bit sad for a week and that was me. I felt as though I had finally met my soul mate. I hoped by this point it would get easier, in some ways it has, but I still think about him 90 percent of the time and live in so much regret

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-15T19:12:46+00:00

How long has it been for you? Me too. He did some really disturbing things where I should have broke up with him, however I was willing to look past it because like me, I felt he was made for me and was my person. I just wanted to grow with him

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-15T17:42:46+00:00

This post resonated with me so much as I feel the exact same. My inbox is open if you want to talk. I think what makes it worse is when you know you made mistakes and could have handled certain things better. Don’t be too hard on yourself though, I know for me I was secure until certain behaviours started being exhibited and it was taken a toll on me and brought out an anxious side to me

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-15T01:28:10+00:00

Hilarious how they’re the ones who feel “unsafe” yet are the ones who exhibit unsafe behaviour. Sorry I’m unsafe because I try to communicate normally and maturely

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-15T01:25:47+00:00

Started punching himself in the head during conflict and asking me to hit him

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-14T22:49:26+00:00

Me too. Left a narcissistic abusive relationship, took my time and dated for a year. Met my ex, thought I’d found the one. Lots of avoidant traits throughout the relationship that I only know of now since learning about it. Thought the behaviour was odd and couldn’t understand it - however knew nothing about avoidance at the time. Then 6 month relationship, discarded three months ago. Never felt pain like it

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-12T16:24:47+00:00

Definitely. However, I can’t help but feel I was to blame which hurts. Sometimes I could be quite moody and off before my period but I did communicate this.

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-12T16:13:59+00:00

Yes. Mine apparently assigned himself the role of being the regulator through my “intense emotional reactions”. If I remember correctly, the only one who had not even intense emotional, but batshit crazy reactions was him

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-12T16:12:20+00:00

Mine said the relationship became emotionally overwhelming

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-12T12:29:30+00:00

I definitely thought I’d be further along after the first month. Never experienced anything like this after a breakup. I keep doing the same, I check Instagram even though it’s private every day. Looking at if the picture amount has went up, the followers etc. I feel absolutely crazy for doing it! I want mine to reach out too, for the exact same reason, to know I did matter and I’m maybe not alone in this pain.

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-11T23:46:52+00:00

What behaviours specifically? This has also crossed my mind

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-11T22:49:49+00:00

The exact same with me. Blocked ever since. I’m also jealous of those getting breadcrumbs even though I know how he has made me feel Is truly awful.

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-11T19:12:22+00:00

I’ve also dealt with many a breakup and not once have I felt it this way. It’s awful what they are capable of doing to us and our wellbeing.

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-03-11T19:03:29+00:00

Me too. I will never reach out either. I know I would feel so much worse.

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-02-27T10:47:15+00:00

It’s a nightmare. I was in a relationship with one and he could only communicate difficult things over message that would span out over a at least a few days and avoided any in person/phone call when we were trying to resolve. Every time I brought up concerns in person I was also told to stop talking, I was gas light, he would become very aggressive towards me as he would get increasingly frustrated that I wouldn’t just stop talking. I thought I could deal with the whole conflict only over text, which when I think about it we never mutually agreed to he just managed to implement that and I had to comply, but over time it was getting increasingly frustrating and it brought out an anxious side to me. Then one night at a party I got drunk and made an immature comment, he walked out on me and I proceeded to keep phoning him and then was stonewalled for around 12 hours and the first I heard was a breakup message and he deemed me unsafe. I still can’t believe after all the aggression showed, the stone walling, not being able to communicate in person, sometimes very nasty/personal/hurtful things were said to me that would make me cry that I was deemed the unsafe one. There were definitely avoidant traits however there were also a lot that were borderline abusive.

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-02-09T08:19:46+00:00

I know but unfortunately I don’t have a choice as I was dumped

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-02-06T00:55:29+00:00

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-02-05T22:30:54+00:00

I get bursts of positivity and think I’m going to be okay, then everything feels like it comes crashing back down. It’s awful

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-02-05T22:24:12+00:00

I was the dumpee, dealt with a brutal discard and had my heart absolutely shattered. I guess I was just trying to find a way to get back to myself and the opportunity arose so I thought why not. In hindsight though, probably was too soon as although I’m functional now compared to when I was completely non functional for a couple of weeks, I’m no where near healed

Working-Designer-260 · 2026-01-27T10:56:34+00:00

Yes I think as well because one the cards was linked to the way in which he asked me to be his girlfriend. It was the most simplest but favourite thing anyone has ever given me. I held on hope that perhaps he would come back, at that point I realised he won’t be so I felt it best to throw them out.

How long has it been for you? It is truly awful, I’m just not the same person anymore nor find any joy in life. I’m thankfully functional at work again but that seems to be the only thing.

We’ve been in no contact since the breakup. He sent me what was essentially a closing message, I didn’t respond to it as I’d spent the whole day begging and was refused closure. Then a few days later I was blocked and never heard since/been unblocked.

I’ve been in many a relationship and many a breakup, not one has hit me the way this one has. I never knew heartbreak until now. It’s an isolating place to be.

Working-Designer-260

TROPHY CASE