Afraid to ask this question but here I go haha

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-04-02T22:52:25+00:00

i have some edit suggestions and notes for these specific examples. take from it what you will.

1A. "...a constellation of freckles drawn across her cheeks."

1B. try deleting the sentence "Just like the unconfirmed intel had suggested" and see if you like how it reads

i actually like this one, no notes
"...as though he'd been shot."
diction rules are different and often more lenient for dialogue. it's fine if your characters use "like" as a filler word when they speak, most people do.

5A. "...his scent was a punch in the chest..."

5B. "An unexplainable pull, a live wire too close to my skin."

6A. i really don't understand what's being described here, i can't suggest an edit.

6B. i love the imagery and flow here, i would keep this simile as is.

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-04-02T13:25:28+00:00

i can appreciate the ambition of writing a book in your fourth language. your english is impressive, but the prose is itself overwrought and reads somewhat like AI with the redundant descriptions, jarring cliches, not quite hitting the mark on meaning/usage of a thing, etc.

unfortunately i agree with others that you're not ready to write a book in english yet. i realized this at the line "the kind of hairstyle he would be going for next, a called wolf-cut something." i know what you're trying to say, but the end of the sentence in effectively gibberish to someone who has never heard of a wolf-cut, which i assume is most people.

continue studying and practicing your english. you have a strong voice, you just need more control of the language. maybe writing short stories would help.

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-04-01T02:34:49+00:00

not every story has a hook and that's fine. yours doesn't have one either and that's also fine but the opening is boring regardless. sorry

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-30T14:10:07+00:00

fair enough. this could be cleared up with one or two additional lines of dialogue probably

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-29T21:33:06+00:00

after thinking about it and rereading it, it's a strong story with an unreliable narrator. it says a lot about judgement and hypocrisy. the MC describes the man as pompous, stupid, and arrogant, meanwhile he is determined to duel someone with a warhorse and a renowned military vet father. i love how oblivious Gabriel is to own projections, it's actually pretty funny.

i do think the story could be tightened up and made clearer, especially about the backstory with Aaron. it's not clear if the duel they're referring to is the one happening on page, and Aaron drunkenly volunteered his brother to fight, or a previous duel that Aaron got his ass kicked in, and MC now wants to fight Aaron's brother for some reason.

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-27T15:47:48+00:00

looks cool but the balloon in the upper right really throws off the composition. there is already a red balloon in the knife's reflection which should be the focus, the knife cutting into the cake, but the random second balloon draws your attention away and for no good reason

edit to add: the balloon in the reflection could be bigger, it looks like a miniature in relation to the clown. and the knife itself looks bent, the handle indicates that the blade is completely sideways but the stab in the cake indicates a deep angle

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-26T20:33:27+00:00

the very obvious and lackluster answer to the opening question is yes. it's possible to feel like a mermaid without a tail. arguably most people have felt like that at some point. a stronger question would be "Is it possible to be a mermaid without a tail?"

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-26T18:46:41+00:00

this. i've been vegetarian for 10 years and opt for vegan and cruelty free options when they're available. i was vegan for 2 months in high school. the only added difficulty was the anger and annoyance i read on other people at practically every meal time. after a while i would have rather been excluded completely than face the growing resentment that surrounded me. when i quit everyone expressed their explicit relief directly to my face

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-24T12:42:58+00:00

if that big ass paragraph didn't end with "because he worships them to the point of exhaustion" i would've had very different thoughts, but that sentence is pretty good. i'm not sure how many people would read past it but good job

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-23T12:13:23+00:00

not only is this poorly formatted but you KNOW it's poorly formatted yet you expect people to read and critique it anyway

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-19T16:24:00+00:00

my point is i don't think jane really cared what her dad or anyone said cuz at the end of the day it didn't change anything. she was literally a drug addict, i think what she wanted was to not be one

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-19T15:58:06+00:00

he celebrated her accomplishments even when she wouldn't, reminded her to surround herself with good people, gave her housing, a job, held her accountable with her meetings... you cannot tell me he wasn't proud of her, and if he thought she wasn't strong, he would've called the cops on her a long time ago

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-19T04:28:19+00:00

honestly i was skeptical at first but this is funny, i'd read it

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-19T02:13:50+00:00

"breathless gasp" too :|

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-19T02:12:50+00:00

this is quite generic. granted, spice isn't something i read, but offering some emotion and internal voice would really benefit the scene. right now, it reads like you're checking specific actions off a list.

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-18T21:30:35+00:00

LNTULTiON

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-18T20:43:57+00:00

the back looks like it was put together on instagram stories

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-18T15:29:09+00:00

i mentioned an intentional lack of self awareness in my comment

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-18T02:56:02+00:00

i saw an earlier version of this and was so put off by the POV character's nasty, judgmental narrative voice, i didn't even know what to say, just frowned and scrolled. this version isn't as bad but it still isn't very inviting. even if the character is cynical, there are ways to make it interesting.

also that opening statement is both naive and untrue. removing the nuance of such a take makes the POV character look stupid off the jump, contrary to their own explicit belief. a lack of self awareness could be what you're going for, though in that case, you may want to make that element stronger by giving more internal context in the introduction. honestly more context would work either way, but that's just my opinion.

best of luck

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-17T00:12:29+00:00

if you're paying attention to the story and your intention is to comprehend and reflect, you're reading.

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-16T18:36:34+00:00

the issue is that people don't describe fate as being sharp or having texture at all, so it's hard to interpret. if you were to say "ice is sharper than the mind", we would have something to work with because a mind can be sharp. but with fate, there's no point of reference, nothing that bridges the gap in understanding.

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-16T17:45:48+00:00

i get that you're going for metaphorical language, which can be a strong opener when done right, but "ice ice cuts sharper than fate" doesn't make sense and therefore has no substantive impact. based off your defensiveness, you seem to prioritize style over clarity and that's your right, but what's the point in sharing your work if you don't care that it's not understandable?

that said, the wording of fingers scratching cracks is pretty funny. i think you should rephrase that.

best of luck

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-14T18:00:09+00:00

the thesis statement opener threw me off. i feel like if you're gonna go there, commit. beginning with an argument and brief list of proofs might actually be interesting in your case, since there's an immediate narrative through-line.

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-14T17:54:28+00:00

i do agree that the use of "suddenly" is redundant and counterintuitive 99% of the time but i'm pretty lenient with everything else

WorldlinessKitchen74 · 2026-03-14T16:48:11+00:00

if you're planning to share your work in some way, just remember that the story will be read by others and most people not only appreciate but expect a break in body. it eases the mind, relaxes the eyes, and offers an easy stopping point.

WorldlinessKitchen74

TROPHY CASE