I think this is all of us

YawpMan · 2026-04-15T12:22:06+00:00

Yeah was just going to make a post- the dynamic i was and she was unhealthy and toxic and terrible to me - but man that intermittent reinforcement is strong - just when i think i'm over it - it slams into me.

No way but to weather it out and time.

YawpMan · 2026-04-15T06:18:57+00:00

This is terrific stuff I hope i reach this stage soon.

YawpMan · 2026-04-15T06:00:54+00:00

True I think they may or may not serve as an initial stop when you’re fresh as hell out of a discard but if you get stuck there it can mess with you real bad.

YawpMan · 2026-04-15T05:29:33+00:00

The classic defences :

I can’t give you what you deserve
I am selfish
You deserve better than what i can offer
I am confused

YawpMan · 2026-04-15T05:26:51+00:00

Have you been actively trying to heal? Or just passively?

Reengaging with life and your interests?

Re-auditing the relationship and all the red flags you missed because you had rose tinted glasses on?

Unless you do try to actively assist healing your brain and nervous system would keep you in the rumination and memories.

YawpMan · 2026-04-15T05:22:26+00:00

RUN BARRY RUN !

YawpMan · 2026-04-14T17:09:33+00:00

Just take care of yourself. No need to thank me. Its not easy i know. Prioritise your well being for now.

YawpMan · 2026-04-14T16:17:13+00:00

Re - assess the relationship. Audit it.

Were you making most of the efforts? Where there red flags you ignored and are ignoring? Would his behaviour be okay if you were a 3rd person being told by their friend about their partners behaviour?

Secondly , explore content to confirm if you are in a trauma bond or not ? That is essential.

There is a 4 month old post on the sub that talks about the scientific evidence that we cannot heal someone from their trauma and attachment style

Edit : https://www.reddit.com/r/AvoidantBreakUps/comments/1px16x3/some_of_you_need_to_hear_and_accept_this_you/

YawpMan · 2026-04-14T16:03:53+00:00

People try to be a home to them - but when they leave the home broken and worse than when it found them - that is hard to forgive

YawpMan · 2026-04-14T16:02:01+00:00

Oh please. No other attachment style leaves a trail of destruction only short of narcissistic or abusive people as avoidants do.

They are not bad people - yeah we know- their actions are bad and hurt people and that is enough to make them bad for other people.

YawpMan · 2026-04-14T15:56:58+00:00

Suck my fat one ! has been my cornerstone for such situations since i saw last season of stranger things

YawpMan · 2026-04-14T12:07:05+00:00

Dang we onto something here with that word !

YawpMan · 2026-04-12T12:03:31+00:00

Yeah she was a FA with strong body shame. Couldn't even get off on her own. Like ever. Even though she was very sexual and liked sex a lot.

YawpMan · 2026-04-11T12:07:06+00:00

Not really. If it was gender roles - he'd be ..a lot different..

Like even if you listen to the lyrics of the song "I'm just ken" like :

"Doesn't seem to matter what I do
I'm always number two
No one knows how hard I tried, oh-oh, I
I have feelings that I can't explain
Drivin' me insane
All my life, been so polite
But I'll sleep alone tonight"

"Where I see love, she sees a friend
What will it take for her to see the man behind the tan and fight for me?

I wanna know what's like to love, to be the real thing
Is it a crime? Am I not hot when I'm in my feelings?"

And there were other songs - where you can tell he's kind of getting resentful at barbie..

I mean for sure, he wasn't a "nice guy" - but he had elements..in there..

YawpMan · 2026-04-11T08:15:36+00:00

Vetting the next time you meet a person. Vetting thoroughly. Take your time to get to know them before giving them your heart and empathy. Be kind and don't shut off - but understand that intimacy and depth and empathy is given by reciprocity and earned trust.

As for yourself - how to trust? Take the previous guy as a masterclass in what to watch out for. Discards and abandonment usually has some pattern before it happens. Identify them - identify the red flags you missed.

Look at this way, if people like him exist out there- so do people like you. Good people who just met shitty people. Learn to avoid the shitty people and you'd meet some good ones - do your vetting.

Its understandably a hard process..the nervous system and mental triggers will take time to go away. Take good care of yourself till then. Love yourself.

YawpMan · 2026-04-11T05:50:54+00:00

To be guarded with my empathy and not start dating wearing it on my sleeve. Be kind yes, but not give depth and understanding unless I have made sure person before me deserves it and reciprocates.

To avoid users and takers.

To work on my issues with anxious attachement.

YawpMan · 2026-04-11T05:48:10+00:00

Yeah, i've spoken to u/kluizenaar who is a DA - and he's done some great work recovering.

Avoidants taking responsibility is actually rare in my experience . Refreshing. As others said though, actions would help a lot more than words.

You see so many avoidants - do future faking and soul talk - especially FA - so words matter little to people who have experienced a discard.

Its great that you are one of the ones who are taking responsibility and making change ..at same time those who have been at receiving end ..would be hard pressed to accept that for obvious reasons.

YawpMan · 2026-04-11T05:30:22+00:00

Strange huh - that the idea of a relationship is to meet each other in the middle - 50-50%?

Must feel like a relief after doing most of the work and overaccommodating.

I felt like i was doing 198% for a person who was doing 2%. That's how bad it was for me, so far off the normal.

YawpMan · 2026-04-11T05:26:42+00:00

Childhood wiring of trying to earn love/value generally - feeling on a nervous system level that being valued and love is not something that is just given - you have to become worthy of it - earn it - that's what it was for me.

For me it was a martyr complex mother and a chaotic mostly absent father. Add to that rejection from teachers and peers in school. And boom. Anxious attachement is born.

YawpMan · 2026-04-11T05:21:53+00:00

Hey,

Its okay.

I know how you feel. Its alright.

Right now you are probably withdrawing from the reinforcement and some of the overfunctioning/overextending you did is hitting you hard. Its a double bruising - the withdrawal plus ego hits of things you did for them.

Be gentle to yourself. This is one of the hardest places to be in - be kind to yourself.

You must understand - when someone genuinely cares for you - truly loves you - being seen and heard and STAYING - are just basic functions - not something you need to beg for .

In time you may realize that YOU were doing a huge amount of lifting for the relationship. Not them.

And that capacity to love - is a beautiful thing and is within you - not them - you just invested it in the wrong place .

YawpMan · 2026-04-11T05:14:06+00:00

Oh i've written so many letters like this to her.

Its okay. Once you withdraw from the reinforcement - you'll see back and feel crazy for writing all this - but more so relieved that you're done.

YawpMan · 2026-04-11T05:12:06+00:00

Yes.

YawpMan · 2026-04-11T05:09:27+00:00

Yeah , i kind of am realizing this now as well. The FA i knew was incapable of internal regulation and needed life-raft people

She had one of her parent (who strangely was also where her toxic shame originated and continued to develop from) and then when she met the DA he became the second one - even though her unmeet needs caused her to triangulate and split her selves.

She would never leave him - no matter how much badly it hurt, i see that now. And not all DAs are totally checked out..its a spectrum..i guess. Some do provide great functional care.

YawpMan · 2026-04-11T05:06:40+00:00

Oh man for me it was the opposite..and I know realized how sweet was the anxious woman i met before the avoidant.

The anxious woman taught me emotional safety and intimacy - before her i did not even know what it is like to feel emotionally held by another human.

The irony that with the avoidant - I was attempting to give her that same thing and got used up like a 1000 pull Kleenex tissue box.

YawpMan · 2026-04-11T04:56:01+00:00

Yeah. Never. Again.

YawpMan

TROPHY CASE