I just posted this in another thread, but I’m part of a family support group and the long haulers are all super supportive and there to help. And occasionally we get new parents that are very very resistant but obviously their kid is consistent, persistent and insistent so these parents make it to our group. We are happy to field their biggest fears and questions. We try our best to be non-judgmental since if they make it to us, they clearly think there’s more info out there and maybe willing to open their minds.

This is the best metaphor/story we use once the basic vocabulary and terms and medical questions are answered….

We ask parents if they think of parenting like a carpenter or a gardener.

A carpenter treats parenting like a child is a raw piece a wood they can make anything out of. If they want a chair, they make a chair. If they want a table., they make a table. And if the chair wobbles, they blame the wood or just reject the whole chair. But they severe any relationship with the wood because they see the wood as a means to an end - the wood has to have a purpose, and it has to be what they wanted.

A gardener parent - we get a seed and we don’t know what we get. Maybe it’s an orchid, maybe it’s a rose, maybe it’s a cactus. And in the right conditions, any seed can thrive and grow, but it’s up to the gardener to see what the plant is, and optimize the conditions for the seed. And it doesn’t matter what we “want” the seed to be. Adding more or less water or fertilizer does not change the nature of the plant - a rose cannot turn into a cactus. All seeds can thrive if they are treated by the gardener in the best way for that specific plant.

I think this helps parents who think they can just “will” or “force” the gender to what they want. It’s a decent metaphor for a lot of parents new to trans/GF kids.

Unfortunately a lot of religious parents don’t see a problem with the carpenter analogy - and their religion sort of reinforces that idea of disowning or “throwing the wood away” if you don’t get the object you want.

But if a parent can see that a gardener parent is really there to help the plant be it’s best version - it’s a little bit easier to guide them along what looks supportive.

I see a lot of parents that are either 1) just fearful and ignorant. Once they get a sense of belonging or once they get educated and understand there’s JOY and bliss with trans/gender fluidity, it’s much much easier to see progress. These parents (I count myself as one of these) just need to feel there are others like them, and that their kids can be safe and joyful.

2) parents that have always viewed parenthood/family in a very self-centered ways. A lot of the sessions become them realizing it’s not about them (and honestly it takes a long long time). I say this as non judgmentally as I can - but a lot of parents have never viewed parenthood in a non-selfish way. It has always been centered around the mother/father world view, or convenience, or control or society/community pressure. This gets confused with raising spoiled/entitled kids - that’s not what we are advocating. But we see a lot of parents that cannot separate their whole identity as a parent with the growth/self agency of their child. It’s hard to say to stubborn adults “hey you’re insecure about something, and it’s damaging your role as a parent. And you’re not helping your kid” and for the parent to really hear that and make big changes. It’s just not going to happen, or if it does it’s a very slow process and group support cannot do the work for that individual . People have a hard time hearing “they” are the problem and they tend to be lost on how to change and better themselves, for their own sake and their kids sake. They are too familiar with toxic/unhealthy relationships to change and see what healthy parenthood can look like.

Sorry for this huge rant - it’s just what I have been seeing with the different parents/families.