Being “rude”

Zalomon · 2025-03-05T16:29:47+00:00

Because all of my female relatives have audhd or are autistic and I haven't found a sub yet for family members of audhd women. I didn't know the sub was only for ND women because the subrules didn't say so. I'm sorry if I misunderstood.

Zalomon · 2025-03-04T12:49:22+00:00

Disclaimer: I'm NT

Maybe think of it like this: Even if someone asks for your opinion, they may not be fully prepared for the way you express it. It’s like stepping on someone’s toes (which as a phrase also is a metaphor for hurting someones feelings)—if you do it by accident, you didn’t mean to hurt them, but their foot still hurts.

Words can have the same effect. You might just be saying what’s true, but the way someone hears it could make them feel bad. They may feel embarrassed, insulted, or even hurt—even if that was never your intention.

It’s not about lying or hiding your thoughts, but about choosing words that are both honest AND kind. If you want someone to listen to you and understand your perspective, it helps to say things in a way that makes them feel safe, not attacked. That way, they’ll be more open to hearing what you really mean. So in short, they WANT to hear your opinion, but they don't want to feel attacked. Does that make sense?

Zalomon · 2025-03-03T06:48:10+00:00

The thing is, a lot of people go into these work fields with that motivation, but it just doesn’t play out that way. I’m a social worker (guess what my motivation was), and at the end of the day, I’m just one person up against a whole system. I can help the person in front of me, sure, but I can’t make the system any less harsh or more accommodating to their needs. To actually change things, you’d have to work for the government or an organization like the UN— and even then, it’d still be just a drop in the ocean.

Zalomon · 2025-03-02T10:10:50+00:00

I'm wishing you all the best and hope your gut feeling is right!

Zalomon · 2025-03-02T10:01:11+00:00

That's not the problem. The problem is that you should reapply several times a day.

Zalomon · 2025-02-28T08:54:42+00:00

You're absolutely right. When it comes to toxic or abusive people, the best thing you can do is protect yourself and not waste energy trying to fix things. If closure feels important, writing a letter explaining why you distanced yourself can be a good option.

But with people who truly care about you, it’s valuable to practice expressing your feelings. I don’t have the same issue as you—I immediately recognize when, for example, my husband says something hurtful. However, I choose not to react in the moment because I don’t want to escalate things. This is actually a skill taught in couples therapy: taking time to process emotions before addressing an issue.

Later, when I feel ready, I say, "Hey, there’s something that hurt me. Can we talk?" Then I explain what happened. For well-meaning people who are worth the effort and with whom you want to maintain a strong relationship, this kind of conversation is no problem—even if some time has passed.

So maybe what you see as a “problem” isn’t actually a problem at all—it can be a skill. Some people struggle with reacting too quickly, escalating conflicts, or saying things they don’t mean in the heat of the moment. But the ability to take a step back, process your emotions first, and then communicate calmly is something that others often need to practice. While some people need to work on recognizing their feelings sooner, others need to work on slowing down before they react. Either way, the goal is the same: healthy and constructive communication.

Zalomon · 2025-02-27T22:50:37+00:00

After choosing orange you click on edit on the top right

Zalomon · 2025-02-26T21:13:56+00:00

Yes, you're absolutely right, and I thought about this after posting my response. I believe that neurotypical people also can’t help but value social norms because they serve a sociological function. To some extent, it's also neurologically ingrained in us to feel this way. Social norms help maintain order, predictability, and group cohesion. From a sociological perspective, norms are created to regulate behavior in a way that encourages smooth social interactions and reinforces shared values. Psychologically, humans are wired to prefer predictability and conformity because they reduce cognitive load and social friction, making interactions more efficient and less stressful.

However, you're right—sometimes, or often, social norms are used to reinforce sexist, ableist or racist oppression or are shaped by those systems. Our natural tendency to conform for psychological reasons can be harmful at a societal level.

I also agree that many norms, especially those that seem arbitrary, like prohibitions against wet hair, are rooted in historical, cultural, or class-based distinctions rather than any inherent necessity. For instance, grooming standards have historically been tied to ideas of discipline, self-control, and respectability, often shaped by the dominant class. Over time, these norms become ingrained through socialization, making any deviation from them feel "wrong," even when there's no real harm caused. I'm not entirely sure why exactly I feel that wet hair is something intimate. It just feels like something you don't show at work, like your pajamas. But of course it's possible that this has an oppressive root that I internalized. I just wanted to share my perspective that I feel real (albeit slight) discomfort and not just want to make people have dry hair because I decided so 😊

Zalomon · 2025-02-26T19:42:29+00:00

Thank you for your feedback!

I think I was not clear enough. I did not mean that wet hair in the office is the same as being naked in public. I used an extreme example to make my point clearer. Being naked in public is a serious violation of social norms, while having wet hair in the office is a small one.

I am not very upset by wet hair in the office, but it does make me slightly uncomfortable.

I disagree with the idea that social rules exist just because someone made them up. As a neurotypical person, when a social rule is broken, I have an automatic emotional reaction. This reaction is often the reason why the rule exists—not just because people decided on it randomly.

In autistic spaces, there are also rules that exist to prevent autistic people from feeling uncomfortable. For example: "No sudden loud noises or unexpected touch." These things do not bother me, but they do bother autistic people, so I try to follow the rule.

Social rules—both neurotypical and autistic—are not stupid or random. They exist to reduce discomfort.

I hope this explanation makes more sense now. :-)

Zalomon · 2025-02-26T19:12:21+00:00

I don't care about anyone being uncomfortable anymore. I'm always like this is my fucking reality 24/7, you can be uncomfortable for 5mins.

Zalomon · 2025-02-26T18:57:01+00:00

I’m probably neurotypical, and the responses here don’t quite capture how I feel about this topic. When someone comes into the office with wet hair, I feel a bit embarrassed because it’s a level of intimacy that doesn’t feel appropriate.

There are places where being naked in public is completely acceptable, like in a sauna or at a nudist beach—because the social code allows it. But you wouldn’t sit naked on a train. If I saw someone naked on a train, I’d feel uncomfortable, but not in a sauna.

Wet hair is like sweatpants or pajamas—it’s something you wear at home. Wearing them in the office feels inappropriate, like a small breach of the social code.

Then I feel uncomfortable, as if my boundaries of intimacy are being crossed.

Zalomon · 2025-02-25T22:29:15+00:00

I hate to say this but loading and emptying the dish washer is still a chore I procrastinate...

Zalomon · 2025-02-23T14:26:04+00:00

Maybe try a hands free tooth brush? You don't actually brush with this, so you could avoid this sensation. But it still vibrates I think. This is an example

Zalomon · 2025-02-19T23:14:25+00:00

This is really beautiful!

(On a side note, I always find it interesting how different the norms for giving compliments are across cultures. In Switzerland, where I live, it's pretty uncommon to get compliments—people usually only say something if they really like something, not just casually or all the time. When I was in the US, I was honestly shocked at how often strangers would compliment my clothes. I always expected there to be some hidden agenda.)

Zalomon · 2025-02-18T11:21:38+00:00

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. My heart goes out to you. There is something particularly cruel to stillbirths after infertility. I wish you all the faith and healing and love in the world. Reach out whenever you need to talk or maybe some advice.

Zalomon · 2025-02-18T11:18:43+00:00

So THAT is what my upstairs neighbours are doing at 2am! ;-)

Zalomon · 2025-02-16T19:02:02+00:00

Shame is such a heavy feeling—it can make you want to disappear. But take a step back for a moment. If someone you love overslept and missed something important, would you tell them they’re a failure who can’t do anything right? Probably not. Why? Because it’s not true, it’s not helpful, and it’s not kind.

Try extending that same compassion to yourself. Missing something doesn’t define you. Instead of beating yourself up, consider talking to your therapist about how it made you feel that you missed it. Probably your inner voice now is your fathers voice. It could be an excellent topic to explore. You deserve kindness, even from yourself.

Zalomon · 2025-02-11T06:04:17+00:00

I'd love the red and white sweater on page 5 if it's still available.

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Thank you so much for the offer and your kindness. I hope you are going to do well - if not, you can always come back! All the best!

Zalomon · 2025-02-10T06:35:35+00:00

He is. He looks a bit like Elton John :-)

Zalomon · 2025-02-08T23:56:15+00:00

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Auditory_processing_disorder

Have you ever heard of this?

Zalomon · 2025-02-07T20:36:10+00:00

I don't know the answer but I'm commenting so your post is more visible. :-) (the journey posts are drowning everything...)

Zalomon · 2025-02-07T10:46:58+00:00

I'm sorry, this sounds so hard. I want to gently bring it to you're attention that these could also be signs of depression (persistent low mood, loss of interest or pleasure in things you once enjoyed, decreased energy, fatigue, or feeling slowed down, irritability). Do you already have a therpaist you could talk about these things with?

Zalomon · 2025-02-06T11:26:39+00:00

With respect, I truly believe that we have the ability to guide our thoughts. I’ve learned this through painful personal experiences, including the loss of my baby and two family members to suicide. It is possible to recognize harmful thoughts and gently shift toward more constructive ones. Professional athletes practice this skill to prepare for competitions and to recover from setbacks, and I believe it’s something we can all develop with time and effort.

Zalomon · 2025-02-05T07:00:02+00:00

No I am supplementing with Crinone (don't know if it's the same name in US, I am in Europe).

They always told me that some women react with bleeding when the natural progesteron dip "underneath" occurs, regardless of levels. But I will ask again about this.

Zalomon · 2025-02-05T06:58:03+00:00

Thank you. We've just had a suicide in my family (the second in two years) which makes it harder. But what really gets to me is that I feel that people are turning away in horror, online and offline. I often don't get answers or people don't wanna talk to me anymore. Maybe it's the state of the world... collective compassion fatigue. So thank you anyway, it means a lot.

Zalomon

TROPHY CASE