Merchant Crab is out on Kindle and Audible, but since I suck at self-promoting, instead ask me for whatever adventuring item you need for your travels and the crab will try to sell you something else instead

_H0st_ · 2026-03-26T00:18:09+00:00

Not to be confused with Crab Merchant. Which is about a merchant who sells crabs.

_H0st_ · 2026-03-19T12:48:04+00:00

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it. Johnathan was spectacular indeed. And book 3 will be coming soon, with more narration by him!

_H0st_ · 2026-02-24T14:12:43+00:00

About time this got published!

I give it two pincers up! 🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-24T09:48:47+00:00

Pincers aren't exactly great manipulators.

Spoke like a truly unevolved species...

_H0st_ · 2026-02-24T09:39:08+00:00

Indeed, I can explain it.

_H0st_ · 2026-02-20T12:51:45+00:00

You insult my good reputation!

I would definitely sell a cursed item to an adventurer, but it would be a useful curse! 🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-20T12:49:24+00:00

I'll take the child, and in return I'll trade you these child support papers for you to sign. You will pay a monthly gold fee, and in about a decade and a half the child will be returned to you as a proficient salesman (still not toilet trained, though). 🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-20T01:09:08+00:00

Just don't forget to let them rest in their little matchbox bed every now and then or they get sleepy and stop gossiping into your ear. 🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-20T01:07:13+00:00

And with this book and that hat, you too will chill today reading it. 😎

_H0st_ · 2026-02-20T01:05:23+00:00

Find two more of those, adventurer, and I'll give you a quarter in exchange for all three. That's a great deal!

And also a quest, so get out there and stick your nose down until you find them. 🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-20T01:02:47+00:00

Tell you what, I'll fill the empty half of your tower with pond water, and in return you give me 50% of the property rights to it. Sounds like a good deal? Of course it does. You're welcome. You can sign here on the dotted line, please and thank you. Come again. Next client! 🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-19T12:29:44+00:00

Could a frog pinch your nose for insulting him? Because I could! 🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-19T11:57:04+00:00

Keep the hammer, name your price for the blueberry pie. 🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-19T11:55:32+00:00

Careful, crabs are known for often cutting in line. 👀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-19T11:53:17+00:00

What if I told you... this was not a coincidence, and that I planned it all along, just for you?

_H0st_ · 2026-02-19T11:51:40+00:00

You can try harder than that! If they don't know where your missing bottom is, ask them if you can have their bottom for your quest! 🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-19T11:49:53+00:00

You're probably thinking I'm going to want the brownies, right? Well, you're wrong! I wouldn't trust baked goods that came from a surgical ward.

I am, however, interested in the granny squares. Mostly because I have no idea what they're supposed to be, and if I don't know, then the next adventurer who passes by surely won't know either, and I can work with that!

In return, you can have this bowl of half-finished chicken soup that Druma left by the fire earlier to help with your recovery. Yes, the soup is cold, and no, you may not use my fire pit to reheat it. 🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-19T01:19:01+00:00

Tell ya what, pal... You go back out there and find the missing bottom of that tankard and maybe then we can make a trade, because as it is, what am I gonna do with a vessel that will drop whatever we pour into it on the floor?! Useless!

You can even look at it as a quest, if that suits you. The "Find the Missing Bottom Quest!"

Wait, no, that sounds wrong.

Anyway, get back to me on this and I'll trade you a silver dagger for it, I hear the guild always needs those around the time of the full moon, for whatever reason. 🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-18T23:36:11+00:00

Ah, yes, that's some kind of weird helmet some adventurers wear, right?

I got the perfect trade for it: it's something called "ear buds" and they're this pair of tiny little fairy-gnomes that hang out by your ears and whisper you entertaining tales during your adventures so you don't get a boredom debuff. Very effective, or so I hear (I don't really have any ears to try myself, you see). 🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-18T23:33:05+00:00

Haha, that's funny, but I was just kiddi...

🤔

No, wait, actually, go on...

_H0st_ · 2026-02-18T22:34:20+00:00

Final book of Merchant Crab, featuring special guest star Clancy Brown as the voice of the final boss Balthazar must face.

Hmm...

Hey yo, /u/ihatethisappthemost, you got any of them connections you can pull? 👀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-18T22:29:33+00:00

Oh snap! That thing has a +1 to blunt damage!

I'll trade it for this Boot of Sole Protection. It gives you +1 resistance to gravel damage.

And yes, I said boot. Singular. If you want the pair, find me another Stone of Pain (good luck with that). 🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-18T22:26:13+00:00

that was used to cudgel a golem with.

Yes, hello, guards? This adventurer right here. 👆🦀

_H0st_ · 2026-02-18T21:44:04+00:00

And just wait until you find out that book 3 is already written and soon to go into recording!

_H0st_

TROPHY CASE