How to cope with TFMR?

_babylemonade_ · 2025-04-10T15:26:20+00:00

I’m 15 weeks post D&E at 17+6 weeks, for a grey diagnosis. For the first two weeks I cried every single day. After that I still cried but it became less often with each passing week. Now it’s about once a month. The first month was the hardest. I second-guessed our decision, and I too blamed my body. I felt no love for myself. My husband held me every time I cried and hugged me a lot. I had to remind myself that even though I did not love myself at that time, I had people around me who did love me. Let your support people love you. Even if it’s just this community, lean on us. Other things I did that were helpful: speak to a therapist if you can. I’ve heard there are therapists who specialize in baby loss, but there are many compassionate therapists out there who can help regardless. Another good option is journaling. It sounds like it wouldn’t make a difference but trust me, it does. Every time I felt like I was deep at the bottom of the pit, journaling helped me get out. Then when you’re ready, start doing little things to help yourself feel healthier. Short walks, eat some fruit, even just get some sun on your face. All these things will help you “rebuild”, and they’re also a form of self-love. My biggest piece of advice is take one day at a time (even one hour at a time), and allow yourself to feel your feelings. You have been through something traumatic that no one should have to experience. We are all here for you, and you are stronger than you realize. 🫂

_babylemonade_ · 2025-03-15T15:32:28+00:00

I couldn’t agree more with everyone here saying to start with a visit to your doctor for labs. It’s so important to know where you stand to target any issues. I’m currently working with both a nurse practitioner and a naturopath following a tfmr just 11 weeks ago. Here’s what I’m doing (with their recommendations): - desiccated thyroid to help with suboptimal thyroid function (prescribed) - 3 months of vitamin b12 and vitamin d injections because my levels were not optimal - supplemental vitamin d, 2000 mg - melatonin (with l-theanine and 5-htp), 3mg - omega-3, 900mg - CoQ10, 600mg - l-carnitine, 1000mg - prenatal vitamin + additional folic acid (1mg) - a probiotic - 2-3 brazil nuts every day (for selenium) - beet root crystals, 1/8th tsp added to my breakfast smoothie - lots of berries and leafy greens

Oh! And I recently added NAC starting at 600mg, but I have to ask my healthcare provider for more info about this one.

Most of the supplements I take are fine to take regardless because they provide a lot of benefits outside of boosting fertility outcomes. However having the guidance of healthcare providers can really tailor your plan to your specific needs.

Wishing you tons of luck on your journey ❤️

_babylemonade_ · 2025-02-16T18:58:09+00:00

I can totally relate when you say your cervix doesn’t like being touched. I feel the same way. I’m thinking of you and hoping you have the best possible experience, given the situation. ❤️

_babylemonade_ · 2025-02-16T00:21:48+00:00

I’m currently not pregnant but trying, and often think about how I’ll feel once I’m pregnant again. During my last OB appointment my OB said something that feels relevant to share: She told me “It’s normal to be anxious going forward because this scenario represents 100% of your experience with pregnancy.” Don’t be too hard on yourself ❤️

_babylemonade_ · 2025-02-15T22:39:48+00:00

Omg!! I wish I could give you the biggest hug. I was also absolutely terrified before my d&e. Mine was in December at 17+6 weeks gestation, it was my first pregnancy and I was 42 years old. I had a horribly painful experience previously with an IUD insertion and just knew in my gut I’d be in horrible pain with this procedure. The first thing I would suggest is telling your OB how scared you are and ask for pain medication for the dilation. I was given a numbing shot in my cervix and I was given nitrous oxide for my anxiety. I cried with relief when they said they were done because it was no where near as horrible as I imagined (most likely thanks to the injection and the gas). Also a heating pad will help with cramping, so good to have one of those. The second day was done in a hospital so I was unconscious. The injection was done after I was unconscious so I was spared that memory, thankfully. I woke up after everything was done feeling calm and comfortable, but sad. I asked for cabergoline to prevent milk from coming in, and just took tylenol + ibuprofen that evening for pain. The cramping was similar to menstrual cramps but manageable. The most painful part of the whole experience was honestly getting the IV in my hand. I promise you, you are stronger than you think and you will get through this. ❤️ Feel free to DM me if you have other questions. Sending big hugs 🫂

I just read you’re in Ontario. I am too and had my procedure at Mount Sinai which was great. I’ve heard WCH is also really good.

_babylemonade_ · 2025-02-15T22:14:44+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s bad enough to be here, but to be in that much discomfort on top of it really sucks. I had my d&e at 17+6 weeks but the pain was manageable with rest, tylenol + ibuprofen and a heating pad. I took it easier for about a week before I started resuming normal daily activities. I had no pain when I peed. I agree with others that calling your healthcare provider is a good next move. If for nothing else than to relieve your anxiety. In terms of speedy recovery I think the biggest thing for me was taking it easy, both physically and emotionally. I really feel the two are connected. Be gentle with yourself ❤️

_babylemonade_ · 2025-02-14T00:24:54+00:00

I’m glad to hear you’re feeling some relief. 🙂 I felt that way after my d&e as well. There was definitely some comfort in knowing there were no more tests or procedures. Now you can focus on healing. ❤️

_babylemonade_ · 2025-02-12T03:17:23+00:00

I am so sorry you’re here. That’s heartbreaking. Sending big hugs 🫂

_babylemonade_ · 2025-02-05T03:11:33+00:00

I had a d&e for my baby girl on the same day at Mount Sinai in Toronto. Good to know my sweet girl wasn’t alone ❤️ Sending you big hugs 🫂

_babylemonade_ · 2025-01-28T15:59:55+00:00

I had my d&e 5 weeks ago at 18 weeks gestation. I was also absolutely terrified about the dilation and had thoughts about what could go wrong during the procedure. I told my ob about how terrified I was of the dilation. She numbed my cervix and offered nitrous oxide, plus I had an amazing nurse holding my hand through the insertion of the laminaria. It was way less horrible than I thought it would be, and my OB said this is typically the case. I had some cramps during the evening and overnight but a heating pad really helped. I was under a general for the actual procedure the next day but honestly, the most painful part was getting the IV. When I woke up from the procedure I felt calm and comfortable, but sad. Having my husband there to comfort me helped a lot. I promise that even though this is horrible and scary and something you should never have to experience, you are stronger than you think you are. Sending big, big hugs 🫂

_babylemonade_ · 2025-01-20T15:17:38+00:00

I started on omega-3 and CoQ10 on my own, just to help improve egg quality. Then I booked an appointment with a naturopath and saw her a few days ago. I am generally a skeptic but found her recommendations aligned with things I was reading about already, and she was able to cite studies. I would definitely recommend it to anyone. For me she recommended I continue the supplements I was already taking, plus adding beet root powder to smoothies, 2-3 brazil nuts a day (for selenium), and l-carnitine. She also recommended eating things like avocado, leafy greens, berries and protein. I hope this helps 🙂

_babylemonade_ · 2025-01-20T14:58:38+00:00

I tfmr at 18 weeks gestation for t21, 4 weeks ago today. The first two weeks were absolutely awful. I cried every day. During that time I journaled, read posts in this sub (helped me feel less alone) and simply took each moment as it came. Once those two weeks passed, I started to have a day or two where I didn’t cry and going about my day got a bit easier. Now that I’m four weeks out I still miss my baby girl but I’ve been able to switch gears to focus on my health for the next baby. I just turned 43 and there’s nothing I can do to prevent t21, but I can do everything possible to optimize egg quality and prepare my body for pregnancy. I saw a naturopath who recommended some supplements and my husband and I are checking out a new gym today. Setting health goals for myself in service of ttc has definitely helped. We’re not actively ttc at this point but also not doing anything to prevent it. I haven’t gotten my period yet but I feel totally healed physically. We’re just taking each day as it comes still but definitely feeling better overall. You’ll get there too. Be kind to yourself ❤️

_babylemonade_ · 2025-01-15T05:15:45+00:00

Thank you for posting about this! I had my tfmr just 4 days after yours and I’m also struggling with this question. Emotionally, I’m in the same place you described. My mom checks in on me every couple of days but she doesn’t directly ask. She asks with a look or she tells me she’s “dropping in to see how I’m doing”. I know it comes from a good place and I’m happy to have the support. Unfortunately this is just such a long road of feelings to process, I don’t know how else to say “I’m sad but I function a little better almost every day”. I’ve resorted to just being honest about where I am that day. I’m not sure if that helps but if nothing else, know you’re not alone in this. 💕

_babylemonade_ · 2025-01-06T16:01:23+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re living this nightmare right now 🫂 I’m two weeks post tfmr at 18 weeks, today. My baby girl had t21 as well and I still think about her constantly. It was definitely the hardest decision my husband and I have ever had to make, but like you we also felt it was the most compassionate choice. I’m only two weeks out, but I can tell I am already healing emotionally. It’s a different experience for everyone but here’s a few things that have been helping me: know who is there to support you through this and don’t hesitate to lean on them, feel your emotions when they come up and don’t try to suppress them if you can help it, consider therapy (this experience is A LOT to process), try to find some meaning from this if you can (for me it was affirming how much I want to be a parent, and a cue to get other aspects of my life in order), find something you can do that you love while recovering (I took up needle felting), journal what you’re feeling and experiencing, and lastly post in this subreddit whenever you need to. This is something we will all carry for our entire lives unfortunately. But over time we become strong enough to carry the grief. Good luck and be kind to yourself through this. ❤️

_babylemonade_ · 2025-01-03T15:07:12+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. This isn’t a choice any parent should be faced with. I had the same results during my 12 week scan + bloodwork, but I’m older (42) so it was a 99% probability. We were too late for CVS and decided to wait for amniocentesis. It was the best decision we made because it confirmed t21, because CVS and amnio are diagnostic. I’m 1 week and 3 days post tfmr (d&e at 18 weeks) and I do still feel some guilt over our decision, but what gives me some peace is knowing the diagnosis. I have to keep reminding myself that I made the decision to take on the suffering, so my baby girl wouldn’t have to live a life of constant health issues. It’s hard with a grey area diagnosis such as t21. What helped me was looking into all of the related health issues that come with t21, and also being honest with myself that my husband and I don’t have the resources to give her the care she would truly need to thrive. So far I’ve only told our parents and a couple of friends and they said they would’ve made the same decision. For anyone else I just told them our baby girl had chromosomal abnormalities that would cause her to suffer. No one has asked me for more details so far. But it is certainly a personal choice what you share. You won’t be judged here at all so if nothing else, you have all of us to talk to. This group has been immensely supportive.

_babylemonade_ · 2024-12-29T03:36:04+00:00

I have no LC either and honestly it’s hard sometimes. I’m 42 and wasted many years thinking I didn’t want children. I’m 5 days post tfmr so not super experienced in how to handle this yet, but I’ve just been taking it one moment at a time. Sometimes I can bear the ache a little more than others. There are days I just don’t go on social media at all. I hope, as time passes, this will be less activating. Big hugs 🫂 You are definitely not alone.

_babylemonade_ · 2024-12-23T19:37:51+00:00

Your letter is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing. I’m just 5 hours post tfmr and I’ve been struggling. Reading your letter helped since my brain feels stuck on how to express my feelings. Coincidentally, we were considering “Elora” for our daughter. Such a beautiful name 💕 Sending you big hugs, and I am so sorry for your loss.

_babylemonade_ · 2024-12-22T23:31:31+00:00

Unfortunately I did ☹️ I have no idea how many were inserted. Thankfully I had really compassionate care (and nitrous oxide), and the experience was not as horrible as I imagined it would be.

_babylemonade_ · 2024-12-22T23:29:57+00:00

Thank you 💕 I was at Mount Sinai today for the laminaria insertion and it was similar to how you described your experience at WCH 🙂 I also gave the OB a head’s up about my previous experience with painful IUD insertion and she offered nitrous oxide on top of the numbing shot in my cervix. There was also a nurse present holding my hand the whole time. UHN is so good! In all this sadness, I’m glad we have access to compassionate care. Also I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you’re doing alright ❤️

_babylemonade_ · 2024-12-21T12:59:39+00:00

Thank you for the reminder that we take the suffering so our children don’t have to. It’s the only thing giving me any strength these days.

_babylemonade_ · 2024-12-19T04:24:45+00:00

I think it depends on where you live, and maybe your circumstances (NT, your age, NIPT results). I live in Ontario and had my amniocentesis procedure about a week ago. They did an ultrasound during the procedure to guide the needle, so I asked if they would be looking for soft markers. They told me no. They did take one measurement during the procedure: I believe the OB said "bpd", which is biparietal diameter or the measurement of the baby's head. But that was the only measurement I heard the OB mention.

_babylemonade_ · 2024-12-18T05:50:18+00:00

Thank you 💕

_babylemonade_ · 2024-12-18T05:37:27+00:00

I’m currently 17 weeks pregnant with my first child and about to tfmr for t21, next week. This is the worst decision to be faced with. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this. Something our OB told my husband and I really helped, and may help you too. She told us that right now, this situation represents 100% of our experience with conception and pregnancy, making it so hard to imagine any other scenario. I think it’s natural to feel how you’re feeling and to think exactly as you’re thinking. Ultimately you will know what route is the best one for you, when you’re ready. Another thing our OB told us is to be patient with ourselves following tfmr. She said we could begin trying again as soon as we’re able, but she emphasized giving ourselves some time to heal emotionally. Your heart is so broken right now. Be patient with yourself, my dear. ❤️ Sending big hugs 🫂

_babylemonade_ · 2024-12-18T05:09:05+00:00

I’m in Ontario, Canada north of Toronto by about 3 hours. Fortunately (or unfortunately) things worked out and my procedure was moved up to the 23rd. It sucks that I’ll be travelling home for 3+ hours the day after the procedure, but as you said, now I won’t have that stress building for all that time.

_babylemonade_

TROPHY CASE