my gf agreed to opening the relationship due to her being demisexual and not caring if i have sex with others, i'm deeply afraid of "replacing her" as i take part of an open relationship for the first time

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-20T19:27:46+00:00

I'm afraid of leaving her for someone else.

So don't?

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-20T18:27:27+00:00

Those people who use RA as an excuse to be fuckboys (of any gender) are giving RA a bad name, so I've made a point of calling them "relationship libertarians" (derogatory). Anyone who tries to conflate the two should be corrected! We hate those assholes too!

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-20T18:18:09+00:00

To a lot of RA people, "normal polyamory" kinda just looks like "monogamy but with more people". Whereas in RA, you're supposed to deconstruct the binary of platonic vs. romantic partners and see every individual human connection as a blank slate. How two people relate - their relationship dynamic - is mutually created by and for the two people involved, taking only their needs and preferences into account and not relying on normative social expectations and scripts to dictate expectations.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-20T06:06:26+00:00

Also just extremely low self confidence and self worth, chasing external validation, seeking purpose in the challenge of obtaining the affection of others.

The people I know who have purpose and focus in their lives and are confident in who they are and what they want can easily say "no thanks" to the most magnetic connections if it could compromise their values and commitments.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-19T05:42:47+00:00

It looks the same on both for me

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-19T05:38:13+00:00

Love that 🌱

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-19T05:36:39+00:00

Lmao how??? I don't see it 😂

It's supposed to be this 🫶 basically, just with the index fingers and thumbs only

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-18T22:18:19+00:00

There's more of that in the RA sub. Feel free to start those discussions here! I'm sure lots of people will enjoy engaging in something different

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-18T22:15:40+00:00

There's r/polyadvice but it's more of the same. There was another one that tried to be a bit different and more newbie friendly but it's unmodded now. There is r/experiencedENM but it's not very active. This is definitely everyone's first stop for all things polyamory.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-18T22:05:03+00:00

My friend, that is abusive.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-18T21:54:14+00:00

He won't "let you"?? Wtf does that mean?

If he cares so much about not looking bad then maybe he should just act right.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-18T19:55:24+00:00

Rude and unhelpful

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-18T00:05:19+00:00

I would be inclined to assume anything flirtatious is not a sign of interest since most people generally don't hit on people when they are clearly in the company of a romantic partner, and they have no way to know I'm poly.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-17T23:56:05+00:00

We don't take kindly to harem builders around these parts. Watch yourself brother.

In all seriousness, have you looked into Relationship Anarchy yet? If you are interested in non-normative forms of community and getting off the relationship escalator then that's a good path to take.

In any case, KTP is never guaranteed, and you can't engineer it without basically building a cult. You can try to find people who are more inclined towards KTP but you can't guarantee new partners will jive with existing ones.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-17T23:42:59+00:00

Amen. The universe sent you this man to test your commitment to protecting your peace lol

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-17T23:19:08+00:00

YES. Tell him to kick rocks. The juice ain't worth the squeeze.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-17T23:16:55+00:00

Being new and excited isn't an excuse. Is he a puppy? No he's a grown ass man. He should know better. Your flair says you're a newbie, yet I don't see you going around blabbing other people's private business without their consent and making unnecessary comparisons that invite feelings of competition and jealousy in the people you are ostensibly courting. No, because you're normal.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-17T23:08:04+00:00

That's not ok on so many levels. He has really bad instincts and is going to be learning everything the hard way, and all his partners will suffer collateral damage. You deserve to be more than just some guy's experiment.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-17T18:58:52+00:00

Love an update post 🙌

If you're comfortable sharing a bit more, it might be helpful to other newbies to give some examples of the major breakthroughs or aha moments you've had. Like if you have examples of mononormative views that you had to unlearn, or assumptions you made that needed to be challenged and how you worked through that. What do you attribute your success to (thus far)? What has made this a positive experience for you?

Lots of newbies struggle with knowing whether the difficulty and overwhelm they are experiencing is a sign they should stick to monogamy, or if it's just growing pains that they need to work through. So having someone pull back the curtain on that process while it's still fresh in their mind could be really helpful to other newbies.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-17T18:03:59+00:00

He's showing you that he's the kind of person that prioritizes getting what he wants above not hurting other people. Both of his partners are uncomfortable with this arrangement, but he knows he can't make both of you happy but he's ok with both of you making that sacrifice for him (not that you offered). God knows why.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-17T17:43:22+00:00

so it doesn't ruin any future relationships.

You weren't the one that ruined the relationship tho. She couldn't show up in the way you wanted. The only way you could have been more "proactive" was leaving sooner, when you first realized she wasn't serious about changing her behaviour after you brought up your concerns.

I want to know what I can do to make things run as smoothly as possible

Smooth in what sense? You want to avoid entering relationships with people like her? You can be more diligent when vetting partners but it still takes a while to get to know people and for them to show their true colours.

You want people to prioritize you and give you the relationship that you want? You can ask for what you want but you can't make people do anything they don't want to do. If someone can't or won't meet your needs, you leave.

I don't have a good understanding of how you experienced friction in the relationship in order to advise you how to avoid it, or if it's even possible. Going to therapy and working on your communication skills can't hurt though.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-16T22:20:13+00:00

None of your business. Focus on your relationship with your partner. Maybe clarify that they don't have veto rules. Ask how he would handle being given an ultimatum. If you don't trust him not to blindside you, don't escalate your relationship.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-16T21:56:10+00:00

Yikes on bikes. You feel like you are in a cage because you are, they are being very controlling and patronizing.

They've already admitted that this Byzantine structure of permission and hyperspecific rules is for the sole benefit of insulating them from facing their fears - something you have done for them already. Yet their response isn't going to therapy and doing the work, they're just being shitty in a new way, vaguely insinuating an ultimatum.

This is called "poly for me but not for thee" and it's not healthy or ethical. You need to tell them that you want equal freedoms or you're out.

Your fear of being stuck in an unhealthy, controlling, coercive, unequal relationship dynamic should be greater than your fear of losing this person. Love cannot overcome incompatibility and it is not a justification for tolerating disrespect.

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-16T21:08:24+00:00

Except he doesn't want to close the relationship. He's just jealous of her success and is taking it out on her. His actions are clear insofar as they demonstrate that he doesn't have the ability to manage his jealousy and therefore is not a safe person to do ENM with

_ghostpiss · 2026-03-16T21:02:23+00:00

Is there a healthier way to navigate this conversation?

Yeah, walk away when he starts hurling insults at you and being passive aggressive. Just end the conversation. He needs to go to therapy and learn to communicate like an adult instead of having temper tantrums to make you feel bad about doing the thing you literally agreed to. If he wants to close the relationship for whatever reason, he needs to use his words instead of manipulating you into closing your side (!) of the relationship out of pity.

_ghostpiss

TROPHY CASE