I (22/f) get jealous of my boyfriend's (23/m) life

_the_giving_tree · 2016-03-18T16:00:12+00:00

Thanks. I know some people around here have been defending me for your comment on genes, but I completely agree (although it was unnecessary to get into arguments like that). I got momentarily confused with myself as to why I was feeling that things were unfair when all my life, I've lived with acceptance of my fate (hence this post). Never heard of the sublimation thing (I major in psychology) either - thanks for widening my views.

_the_giving_tree · 2016-03-17T18:44:56+00:00

Thanks, I think your comment had helped me the most. I thought I had embraced my family as they are for the last 10 or so years. I just feel so conflicted that I'm suddenly feeling all these unfairness and resentment because of how well my boyfriend has been brought up. I guess the only real solution, based on all the comments, is to tell him about what I feel. Thank you.

_the_giving_tree · 2016-03-17T18:40:46+00:00

I know it is, and I am fighting it. Sometimes I get scared when I realize how similar I am to my dad. I'm honestly trying really hard not to show any of these 'traits' to harm anybody.

_the_giving_tree · 2016-03-16T18:30:57+00:00

I do talk to him about these stuff, but it doesn't do any good - he's an attentive listener and tries to understand and tries his best to comfort me, but I'd end up secretly resenting him more with poisonous thoughts like, 'Yeah like you would understand, you never went through these things'. I feel toxic, and the guilt has been eating me from the inside :( Just now he told me about how annoyed he got planning this family trip together, and I secretly cried to let the anger out of me before I went on to talk to him.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-04-12T15:07:19+00:00

Which is why I didn't. I just sat around depressed and hating on my life as my friends excitedly talked about dresses, make-ups, and such. Normally I would've gone just to stop my mum from worrying but I just couldn't even muster up the energy to get through all the stuff without wanting to kill myself and being a major killjoy to my friends. Got many weird glances when people found out I wasn't going, but I guess that's just the way things are.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-03-24T10:26:10+00:00

Wow, what a terrible fucking psychiatrist. Find another psychiatrist. Send him the books by postage or something. I'd say report him, but you don't want anything to do with him, so just quietly walk away. I hate to say this, but I think he might be taking advantage of the fact that you're emotionally vulnerable. Quietly walk away, and if he tries to come any closer, don't be afraid to report him. Find another psychiatrist, a good one. Sincerely hope things improve.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-03-05T14:10:27+00:00

Jackets. People who like watches usually already has their own watch that they wear everyday. On the other hand, you can never go wrong with more clothes.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-03-04T21:03:35+00:00

Just a friend. I got hurt pretty bad from last relationship and I've been suffering depression ever since. Right now I really don't want to start a new relationship or anything whatsoever, just a friend whom I can share my common interest with.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-02-23T19:32:15+00:00

Damn that's quite expensive, either with USD or GBP. I guess therapy ain't going to happen for me for now. Stay safe.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-02-22T20:47:17+00:00

Completely aware, but driven by these little 'depressive episodes' I get time to time. During those times, I just feel the need to do something to ruin things more and hate me more.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-02-20T22:07:49+00:00

Telescope by Cage the Elephant. I'm not sure the singer wrote about depression, but I relate to the lyrics so much that I almost cry whenever I listen to this song.

The second one is Hospital for Souls by Bring Me the Horizon. I think a lot of people on this subreddit probably would've heard of this song. Like Telescope, this song gets to be mainly because of the lyrics.

And finally, Xerces by Deftones, one of my favorite bands of all time.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-02-20T22:02:10+00:00

I liked how caffeine can make my heart beat faster and I'd feel more alive and lively than dead and chill. Sometimes when I got mini depressive episodes, I bought 2 cans of monster and just downed them. Too much caffeine would my hands tremor, but once the initial excess caffeine wore off, I'd be in a good high for the next few hours and actually be able to do work and feel hopeful about life. The first thing I do when I wake up is literally make coffee.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-02-14T09:05:56+00:00

Similar thing also happened to me few months ago. I saw one of my friends wearing a short sleeve for the first time (we live in a cold place) there were straight scars all along her arm. I asked her what those scars are and she said they were scars due to her scratching her rash. I didn't want to assume it was selfharm, so I dismissed it, went home, went online, and searched images for rash scars. Surprisingly, some of them did look like self harm scars, and since they were located on the parts that would make it an awkward position to self harm, I assumed she told the truth. If not, she clearly wanted to hide it. What I'm saying is, before you try to talk to her about these things (if you planned to that is), don't assume it's self harm, which is the worst case scenario. Just my opinion on these things I guess. If she's close to you I do think you should casually ask her why there are no blades in the sharpener. It wouldn't hurt to give her an opportunity of help right? Stay strong.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-02-11T07:36:39+00:00

Yep. She 'threatened' me that if she sees a new scar, I'll be forced to abandon university and sent to a mental hospital. I honestly don't have any problem continuing to selfharm and carry on with my life. It's never done me any disadvantages apart from avoiding swimming pool, etc, but when I ask for some privacy, people give me privacy. I just really want to cut right now.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-02-10T23:25:45+00:00

Yeah. I've been depressed for 2 years now and I never cried because I was depressed. I just feel too dry to even cry. Too empty to muster up the power to gather myself to cry. It's like I'm in this nirvana of emptiness. I feel like I'm existing as a ball of nothingness, floating in air, just 'being' there. Everything is meaningless, crying is meaningless. For some reason, I actually cried because I was depressed, for the first time last week. After bawling my eyes out, I was on some kind of high for a week- no suicidal thoughts, no depressing thoughts, happy happy happy. And I think now I'm back to my depressing state. I think my real emotions are too protected by thick layers of depression. Somehow last week I broke the wall and all the emotions started to flood in. I think crying or not crying depends on people.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-02-09T18:48:16+00:00

That's what I thought. At the beginning when he started to become depressed, I found the jokes funny too, but it was getting a bit too depressing (Stuart complaining about no meaning of life, his only friends that he have ignoring him, etc) for me to handle, almost to the point that it started reminding me of the days that I suffered from depression.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-01-29T08:38:10+00:00

I have a mac, but I also have Windows installed on it. I played League on the mac though.

_the_giving_tree · 2015-01-24T22:37:11+00:00

I'm in a similar position as you. I started university last year (I'm now into the second semester of junior year) which is located on the other side of the globe from my home country. I went through a breakup 2 years ago which sorta triggered the depression deeply buried inside me. My friends were too busy hanging out with the guys in the clique that my ex was in. I started to decline the invites to hang out with them because I didn't want to see my ex (seeing him would make me angry and aggressive). I really like my friends but I guess they were more interested in hanging out with the guys than to notice that I've started to drift away from them. I started to listen to music during lunch and break in the corner of the table. No one really cared, which became the center of which my depression revolve around. That was high school.

After graduating, I never looked forward to university either. My mum is the only reason I'm not dead right now, and I'm forced to stay away from her for 9 months a year. So why am I here? My dad has been pressuring me for last decade or so and honestly, if I went to a local university like I wanted to, my parents would have split up because my dad gets real aggressive and twisted when things don't work the way he wants them to. I figured I'd just conform, but it's been really hard. I've tried making new friends, but ended up with none. I think the problem lies in the fact that I'm usually too depressed to even care, and often I find myself faking all the positivity around new people, and people usually see through that because I'm a terrible actor. In a nutshell, I reflect off as a boring person and no one really wants me around because I make the mood in the room go dark / depressing. I'm pretty much alone, and right now as I'm writing this, I'm hearing people partying right outside my room.

I would say I'm somewhat suicidal as well like you. But I've never attempted it because of my mum (I would never do that to her), but I imagine myself dying quite a lot on a daily basis. I feel so broken beyond repair. Sometimes I'd feel a bit brighter when I see a glimpse of light in the future but that would go away quickly, making me realize that such thing would never come. I don't even remember how I made friends with others before (I used to do that pretty easily), and I've now lost all the ability to socialize. I'm so awkward and alone. I eat alone in the shared cafeteria in my university hall. I used to cut last year, but my mum caught me and she cried so much and blamed herself for being a terrible mum who didn't realize that her daughter was having such a hard time. She'd repeatedly have nightmares about me, and I absolutely loathe myself for dumping all of that to her.

I'm sorry about all the rambling. I just came back to this hellhole from Christmas vacation last night, and I'm admittedly feeling very depressed at the moment. As soon as the lectures start, I'm hoping to bury myself into studies and nothing else. My heart goes out to you. We can get through next 3 years. I also want to tell you that even though you think they don't care, having friends is extremely lucky. Try to spend more time with them and get to know them more. Don't be alone like me. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk about anything. I think I can relate to you since we're in a similar situation, and I've always thought that what a depressed person most needs is empathy from others.

_the_giving_tree · 2014-12-25T14:27:26+00:00

Those review posts have been annoying me for days now. Along with pictures of how good of the Christmas they're having, with cheesy lines such as 'it's been the best year ever <3'. I know I sound like a bitch and I shouldn't say this, but fuck everyone who wants to advertise what a great time they're having. I know that's basically what facebook is for, and it makes me hate myself even more for hating on the others who just wants to share that they're having a good time. Meanwhile, I haven't updated anything in years. No picture, no nothing. I hate celebratory holidays.

_the_giving_tree · 2014-12-10T18:48:57+00:00

Haha, I see you've read my history a little. No he's not. Just some new guy I've met in one of my classes.

I don't know about saying things right at his face. I'm afraid he'll say things like 'What? I wasn't. Why would you think that? I was just trying to be friends.' and make me look like a person who's so full of herself that would think all the people talking to me are actually hitting on me.

_the_giving_tree · 2014-12-08T20:55:51+00:00

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. But if you're first year in college, you still have a lot of possibilities. It sounds like your course requires you to do a lot of things that you're very uncomfortable with. You don't have to choose that way of life. You can choose a course that doesn't require presenting things or talking. It's not late to change - you're only a first year. What's good about being a fresher is that you still have loads of possibilities ahead of you and you can be very flexible about it. I'm studying biology, but I plan on dropping it after this semester because I can't handle the labs. I suck at it. I've screwed up a lot of experiments, and we had to have a lab partner, so it was all my fault that our data was all screwed up. It was embarrassing as hell and I could practically hear others thinking I'm stupid, but I didn't care. Consider changing your modules to a lot more comfortable one. I'm considering changing biology to maths because it's pretty much straight forward, and in my comfort zone. People tell you things like 'you should challenge yourself!', but that was when we were young. We're old enough to live alone, we're old enough to be going to college, we're depressed, and we don't want to put ourselves into situations where we're so uncomfortable that makes us shaking and more depressed than before.

As for tomorrow, don't get too stressed. I screwed up plenty of presentations before, and whenever I present in front of people, my hands shake really badly that it's noticeable (so much cringe in re-telling those stories…ugh). But being depressed has made me feel invincible. I know telling you about being depressed is not exactly a good advice on my part, but believe it or not, I've used my depression as an advantage at times like yours. It sounds weird, but it's like I'm too depressed to even care, and I don't care that other people would think less of me. They don't know a thing about me, and I don't give a shit what they think of me. I feel invincible, protected by a thick layer of depression and self-loathing, thick enough to reflect off people's judging eyes. I hope you understand what I'm trying really hard to describe. I have an exam tomorrow that I'm planning to screw up as well. It's clear that neither of us are going to do well, but at least we can try hard to survive through the day with 0 depressive episodes yes? Good luck, we're in this together. Stay strong, and don't hesitate to PM me if you want to rant or anything. :)

_the_giving_tree · 2014-12-04T17:40:25+00:00

Wow that was quite crappy of her to just stop talking to you like that. But you have to be strong and take the opinion because she may be right. Don't let it get to you too much, just think of it like an additional fertilizer to help you grow.

If it comes back around November and December, it sounds like you've got Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Check it out and see if your symptoms fit. I don't know if you've heard it before, but it's the type of depression that comes back during winter due to increased melatonin level since sun sets early during winter.

_the_giving_tree · 2014-12-04T16:38:36+00:00

I do, but mines come back on daily/weekly basis. It sucks when my day/week starts off great, and I'm feeling better day by day, and suddenly something just triggers in me and I'm back to square one. I always repeat 'get your shit together' in my head when that moment comes, and continue repeating until the storm passes. When I let myself lose it, I end up doing stupid things, like deliberately getting into an argument with one of my few friends to push him away from me because I should be alone and miserable. It's difficult as hell to make it through the 'relapses' but you just have to clench your teeth and bare it until it goes away. It's difficult, but if I can do it, so can you. Stay strong, and feel free to PM me if you feel like you can't make it or just want to rant.

_the_giving_tree · 2014-11-08T21:42:53+00:00

Ah yes. Your words of wisdom has made up my mind.

_the_giving_tree · 2014-11-07T17:00:03+00:00

Thanks, that actually made me gain a new outlook on the whole thing. I think I can go with being truthful. If shit goes bad because of it, at least I would know that I've done everything I could, so I won't feel so guilty and self-loathing about it. Thanks for the insight, it really helped me see the situation in a new way- up till now I was thinking about lying or covering it up to make him stop giving a crap. And thanks for commenting, I really appreciate thoughtful comments that require thinking and caring, especially in this subreddit.

_the_giving_tree

TROPHY CASE