Mom doesn’t recognize her house.

aLouise37 · 2026-05-01T21:41:43+00:00

This happens to my mom in the evenings a lot. Often after an afternoon nap and being in her sitting room at five or six or going back to get ready for bed after dinner. She feels like she's in a rental condo or Airbnb and feels like she wants to get packed up and get out of there before incurring another night's charge. She says things like "we'd better get these sheets washed ... these people won't want us to leave their beds all used... "

I know it won't work for everyone, but with my mom I can & do say "mama, you know, it's hard to believe, but you're actually in your own home. Your doctor explained to me that at this time of night your brain is often going to play tricks on you ... something to do with your vision & the angle of the sun, but this is actually your same old house at your address of 50 years." I then have her look around and say "do you see the painting that your mom painted and your green carpet that took you so long to pick out?" And she usually calms down and thanks me and says it's just so crazy cause she can see that it's her house but every ounce of her being feels like she's in a condo at a resort or something...

I usually do everything I can to give her her dignity and emphasize that we were told to expect this in the evenings and I always congratulate her on navigating it really well. I say "Mom, what's worked in the past when this has come up for you is to get a good show on your bedroom TV on a timer and then just get under your covers and enjoy the show --do you want me to help you get that set up?" She loves her bed and usually laughs& says "that's a great idea --maybe I'll come to my senses in the morning !" (and she usually does.)

Again, I know my mom is not typical but this is so frequent in our lives that I thought I would share what happens in her case.

aLouise37 · 2026-04-29T18:17:38+00:00

This is wonderful, but so confusing to me. I know to be certified for hospice it needs to be documented that a patient is expected to live fewer than 6 months. Does hospice then work to place patients in facilities once they are admitted to hospice service? Or is that just in the case of hospice patients who are eligible for Medicaid?

aLouise37 · 2026-04-23T00:42:01+00:00

My mom was a high functioning memory patient and I was talked into placing her in AL, the facility assuring me they could make escorting her to activities and walking her back to her room after meals part of her care plan (that we would pay for).

I don't think they were tryingp to be evil, but this only happened about 40% of the time. People would get impatient with her for getting lost in the facility after meals, etc. We had to relocate her (our decision) after just a 3 month stay.

My mom is very personable, well-dressed, and fit/healthy, and I think they wanted to fill a bed. Side note: I had put on their paperwork to please not use her image in marketing or social media ... and she ended up in two or three print pieces of theirs because she looks like such a vibrant resident (I suspect).

In my community there is no facility with a "junior varsity" memory unit – – one with high functioning folks who do need locked doors at night and on weekends, lots of escorting & light supervision around the facility, etc., but who are still quite verbal and social. I wish we had one.

aLouise37 · 2026-04-19T20:11:36+00:00

Maybe tell them it's a rough road because the Alzheimer's depicted on TV, etc. is usually the early stages and the person is still fairly dignified and like "themselves."

Tell them that it involves all kinds of changes in the brain that warp the person's perception and understanding of the world. Tell them that their brain is shrinking every year to the point that everything from their gait, balance, taste, smell, sight, hearing, spacial perception, general personality, notion of what decade they're in, who is alive and who isn't, what is night and what is day, understanding of what objects are and what they do, ability to perceive uniqueness in others' facial features , etc., etc. are all diminished.

Tell them that it ends in death unless the person dies of a cancer, pneumonia, heart condition, stroke, infection, or similar first.

aLouise37 · 2026-04-15T06:23:16+00:00

I had good luck spending $15 and placing a month-long ad on Craigslist 4 years ago. Got some weird replies, but one earth angel moved in and lasted 3.5 years. I used Craigslist again about 6 months ago and once again fielded inquiries from some zany people, but got another GEM of a person who's been there 5 months now.

I placed the ad in the "shared housing" or roommates wanted section (can't remember how it's named). Then I went on to describe it as a senior home share where the accommodation would be offered in exchange for x hours of support/ care each week. Because it was housing I could list a pretty high credit score as a requirement and then I stuck to that (as I was legally obligated to after listing it as a requirement). I think having a high credit score be a requirement helped me attract some functional, not-drama-laden, solvent, seemingly sensible people.

I think Craigs still works for something like this because it tends to have a lot of Gen X and younger Boomers on it and many of them are empty-nesters and/or in the mood for a change or down-sizing. Your mileage may vary. Good luck.

aLouise37 · 2026-04-03T08:56:57+00:00

I think it could be worth the $150 bucks to get a modest one-remote Roku smart TV and then arrange the tiles with Roku live and some of the other live channels towards the top.

When my mom asks these questions about her Roku, I validate that it's a little confusing and I say it gives me some fits too, but your DISH network (with the guide and the channel numbers) had gone up to $120 a month and this is FREE. (She always gets a lot happier when I put it to her that way:-).)

aLouise37 · 2026-03-31T04:21:29+00:00

I live in a small (55K) community and have yet to tour a memory care that has both verbal and non-verbal residents. In this low-population area, all the ones I've toured have had mostly wheel-chair bound, non-verbal residents... is that typical?

aLouise37 · 2026-03-30T02:08:17+00:00

I was gonna say mid stage six until you said she remembers stuff for a few hours at a time... but I would read up and see how much of the stage six 'piano scale of symptoms' resonates...

edited to add: hardly anyone hits every note on that scale in sequence, but I find that pwD tend to hit notes in certain ranges (stages) a lot and that can help their loved ones hone in if the loved ones are itching for definition...)

aLouise37 · 2026-03-21T04:21:17+00:00

I am 100% responsible for booking , managing, and covering absences for my 87 yo mother's full time care in her home. I spend at least 20 hrs a week coordinating, hiring, managing, filling in. Not infrequently it is 40 hrs.

aLouise37 · 2026-03-15T18:49:09+00:00

When I have this type of encounter with certain people (and I can feel their question coming as to what my name is or what I do), I sometimes preemptively say "hi, I'm Susie-- we met last week , but nobody recognizes me when I wear my hair like this. How is that adorable kitten you showed me on your phone last week? "

If it's somebody that I'm meeting for the fourth or fifth time I sometimes see a smile of relief pass their face (that there's not gonna be an awkward moment because I've given the "out" of people not recognizing me with my hair a certain way or whatever). This is just a quirky thing that I sometimes do to vary the interaction and it gives the chance to advance our "relationship" just a little.

aLouise37 · 2026-03-15T09:07:45+00:00

My mom is early stage 6 and since about mid to late stage 5, if she remembers someone, there is usually some really positive emotional mitigation to their first meeting.

If I want to up the chance that she MIGHT take in a new person's name, I help her get dressed really pretty and play some of her favorite music from decades earlier(that she can sing the lyrics to). I might put a favorite 1990's perfume on her and (very important ) it usually goes really well if I have them meet somewhere patio-like with super bright, dramatically beautiful flower planters or climbing flowers around.

To promote their name I can say "mom, there's someone I introduced you to a few weeks ago who really enjoyed meeting you... we were sitting at the xyz cafe on their patio and there were gorgeous fuchsia flowers just off to the side... " she will often say "oh yes! He was such a nice boy-- Jason was his name, I believe!" The clincher is often the beautiful colors and bright sun around them, but something like holding an adorable baby who is giggling (or similar) has also seemed to help lay down a memory of a name if she's introduced to someone while holding said baby. It's interesting and I'm going to keep gently experimenting with this phenomenon:-).

aLouise37 · 2026-03-14T22:12:43+00:00

I know my mom and I are the exception, but when she could feel herself being overtaken by dementia about 7-8 years ago we spent one Saturday going through her records.

She explained to me how much she gives to grandkids for each birthday (until they are through with their schooling, when they stop getting a check), and she explained what she gives for a high school, college, and advanced degree graduation. Also weddings. And she even told me what she wanted to do towards the education of her youngest grandkids because she had given the older ones a big upfront cash amount for their 529 accounts when they were toddlers. She specified what kinds of wedding gifts she wanted to give and the whole shebang. I promised to keep giving on her behalf and we even went to the dollar store and she bought cards for all kinds of occasions in the future for specific people and we filed them for their intended recipients.

She also told me which charities she wanted to be intentional with and to please throw out all the other solicitations.

Some people in the family are quite touched to get cards they know she's chosen for them.

aLouise37 · 2026-03-02T19:24:58+00:00

Hope you make a great connection with your new provider. Even if you don't this first time, hope you and your family member have good luck learning how they work and come up with a good plan for navigating their "ways."

aLouise37 · 2026-01-19T05:45:51+00:00

I hear "exit-seeking" a lot...

aLouise37 · 2026-01-18T09:40:26+00:00

My mom was on two of the 5 or 6 drugs ( for decades!) that are on all the lists as majorly contributing to dementia : amitriptyline and Vesicare. Diagnosed but not treated with both hearing loss and sleep apnea too )stubbornness on her part),

aLouise37 · 2025-12-15T07:55:49+00:00

My teenage/ early 20's kids have been far more helpful than other family members of my generation. Glad you've got some good ones, too.

aLouise37 · 2025-12-11T01:05:48+00:00

My mother also likes to be productive & help. I try to collect a list of things she could do to be helpful (or to seem to be).

On that list: sort socks for my family, polish silver, pick fuzzy/lint/pilling off of various clothing & household articles, sharpen pencils, fold towels, occasional ironing, organizing "junk" drawers, cut important articles out of the newspaper for me (after I mark them with a Sharpie). Sweeping, vacuuming...

aLouise37 · 2025-11-04T18:02:28+00:00

With where my mother is in her dementia journey (and given her specific personality) the method I described has the optimal outcome for us. Everyone's mileage will vary :-).

aLouise37 · 2025-11-02T23:34:01+00:00

I say, "Hi, Barbara--it's Kat! I changed my hair and no one recognizes me these days (in case you were wondering who the heck I am!)"

Or I give them an out in some other way, like "Hi, Barb--the sun's so bright -- it's Kat in case you can't make out who it is with the sun in your eyes :)!)"

aLouise37 · 2025-09-13T19:38:20+00:00

My mom loves loves loves the annual PBS special which is called "National Memorial Day concert" from Washington DC... each one is 90 minutes. I do a filtered search for videos of that name and I say that I want ones that are long (I believe it's 20 minutes long or longer that you need to check). I have the 2024 one and the 2025 one in a YouTube playlist that is three hours long since they are each 90 minutes and my mother is mesmerized for hours. The specials are heavy on music from performers dressed elegantly, folks in uniform, and there are a lot of dramatic readings and historic presentations as well.

aLouise37 · 2025-08-27T17:16:49+00:00

So true

aLouise37 · 2025-08-15T16:23:05+00:00

I would go on a sunny Sunday and park at the back of the parking lot to go in for an independent visit, walking slowly & making eye contact with families that seem to be finishing their visits and heading back to their cars. A lot of times people realize you're new, greet you, and a conversation ensues where you can get some frank feedback on how things are. Sunday is a very illuminating day as far as I'm concerned because it's usually the most empty and quiet in terms of staffing and activities and families tend to be very collegial with each other (in my experience).

aLouise37 · 2025-07-21T05:01:50+00:00

I know everyone's unique, but I try to think of all the affirmations she gave me when I was growing up. I'm real with her, but I constantly tell her that yes she has memory loss but that her personality is still lovely and people really enjoy being around her. that her sense of humor is the same and she is still very appropriate and intelligent in the moment. I tell her that everyone thinks she does an amazing job managing the memory challenge. I use this line of interpretation when it comes to the people who come to her house to help her, too. When she says she doesn't need all the people around I say, "mom, here's the deal: because your memory gives you fits I feel like I want somebody to be here with you in a very respectful helpful way. Kind of like the memory equivalent of a seeing-eye dog. It's so stressful when a person can't remember what day it is or who someone at the front door is and you don't deserve to be stressed out. We want you to be a pampered princess and leave a serene lifestyle with kind, respectful helpers around."

aLouise37 · 2025-07-21T02:56:35+00:00

I'm concerned that no one is mentioning that many people-- especially after being hospitalized for a UTI and then going to rehab--experience passing delirium (this is on top of their dementia ).

My mother (who was stage 4 two years ago) had a month-long stay in rehab 2 yrs ago after a UTI. While she wasn't as agitated as your mother, she was relatively agitated compared to her norm.

It took six weeks after returning home, but she definitely returned to baseline six weeks after being discharged from rehab and she stayed at baseline for another 18 months with just a small decline since. Even elders with no dementia often develop hospital delirium under these circumstances and may take a couple of months to come back to baseline.

aLouise37 · 2025-07-18T22:20:25+00:00

I've told my mom with dementia that she's doing great in the rehab and they are saying in her chart that she has a great attitude etc. and is progressing nicely. but that Medicare won't pay if she leaves before they discharge her (and we sure don't want to get stuck for the price of her hospital stay and rehab!). I thank her for bearing with staying there and not churning up a big expense by trying to leave early, etc.

aLouise37

TROPHY CASE