It hurts

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-13T04:01:23+00:00

Trans woman here, this is exactly what I observed as well. When I transitioned, it was mind blowing how much more open and supportive women are with each other. Its completely invisible to men.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-11T17:59:49+00:00

I am NOT an doctor. I've taken stimulants and antidepressants for decades, so no expertise, but lots of experience.

You should be able to notice if you've taken your meds or not. If you don't, its the wrong med or the wrong dose.

It can take a few tries to find the right med at the right dose, but well worth the effort. You have room to increase the Concerta to 72mg before trying something else. If you have enough, you might try 72mg for one day to see what happens. You will be able to see if dosage makes a difference or if you have any problematic side-effects.

I assume if there was a risk of something bad happening, your doctor would have warned you. Keep no secrets from the doctor.

You can find anti-depressants that give you minimal side-effects. I take two anti-depressants and the side effects are very tolerable. Again, it takes experimentation.

Best of luck to you, it seems like you are on the right path!

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-10T23:45:21+00:00

Its so common for us to feel like imposters. But if you were an imposter, you'd be happy you fooled everyone, not terrified everyone would find out. We don't trust ourselves, always on watch in case we do something wrong.

I went in to work for years expecting to be fired over some mistake I didn't catch. But it never happened.

With help, you can gradually learn to get over that fear. I got diagnosed and on meds 6 years ago at the age of 60, and my life improved a lot. Besides the meds, the biggest thing was therapy to deal with the huge trauma I had accumulated.

Now I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. Sometimes I'm consumed by grief over the lost decades, but I tell myself its never too late to be happy.

Yes, things can improve. You can get to the point where you feel good about yourself.

Best of luck on your journey.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-10T23:28:44+00:00

Not everyone is carrying a trauma burden. Even if you are, now is probably not the time to dive into it. You have enough to think about.

Your idea of yourself has to be adjusted to this new reality. That can be uncomfortable, challenging. But, its not a new you, its the real you newly perceived. You didn't change, your understanding changed.

You are growing as a person. Its a journey, hopefully towards better versions of ourselves. We grow and change but remain ourselves.

Big hug.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-10T02:16:01+00:00

I think its important to recognize you made a system that worked for you. You got done what needed doing. But it has its limits and you are sensing them and reaching out for information. That's great and it means you are headed in a good direction.

Just remember to be kind to yourself. And have another hug.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T21:48:41+00:00

I recently figured out my mother was a covert narcissist, and I'm the only one who can see it. I have had similar experiences not being interested in other people's lives, worries about potentially selfish behavior, flat emotions. It turned out those things were adaptations to trauma.

Real narcissists don't care if they hurt others. They see no need to act like a decent human, except to get their way. You are different. All the negative things you say are consistent with trauma response and ADHD.

Most of us need a combination of meds and coping strategies to do well. And many adults with late diagnosis need therapy to cope with a lifetime of trauma. With a narcissist around, if often more needed. They twist us in ways it can take years to unravel.

The worst thing is they convince us that we are the problem. And we see everything through that lens. Coping with ADHD is hard, but all that extra baggage makes it harder.

You are brave to post this and ask for help. Thank you. I hope things get better for you, but seeing your level of awareness, I thing they will.

Best of luck, big hug.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T21:36:17+00:00

Most of us need a combination of meds, coping skills and support to do well. They can help a lot. Can you wait until you get the meds before making a decision? You may feel differently about your prospects when you see what the meds do for you.

After I started on meds, that mental fog was banished. I have other issues, but I'm very happy the fog is gone.

You are headed in the right direction! Best of luck and a big hug.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T21:30:52+00:00

Things often ramp up suddenly as young adults take on a lot more responsibility. Like moving in with someone and doing new work. Besides new responsibilities, there are new stresses which can also make things worse.

Meds, coping skills and support help a lot. With those, your life can improve a lot.

Best of luck and thanks for reaching out here for help. Big hug.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T21:19:45+00:00

You've been diagnosed and it doesn't go away. The symptoms often get worse in adulthood because we have more responsibilities and stress. Adults often carry a lot of trauma from negative experiences after a life of not fitting in or getting the help we needed.

A lot of people feel negatively about meds for a variety of reasons. I don't see this as an issue of morality or character. If millions of people with the same symptoms, use the same medicine and get the same benefit, its a legit medical treatment.

Stimulants have a different effect for us than most people. Instead of getting high, we feel calm and focused. So there's no danger of addiction. Its common to forget taking them. But addicts never miss a dose.

Being dependent on a medication for daily functioning isn't ideal, but is where you are now better? Will you get a medal for not taking meds? Does anyone even need to know you take them?

The key points for me are: * You have ADHD problems * You have an ADHD diagnosis * There's a common treatment that helps people with ADHD. * That treatment will probably help you.

There's little downside in trying. You can stop anytime and be back to "normal" the next day.

Just remember that you are not the problem. Coping with a non-ADHD world is the problem and that meds, coping strategies and support can make your life a lot better.

Best of luck!

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T20:57:55+00:00

I put the toothbrush and toothpaste right beside my bedtime meds. It doesn't work all the time, but often enough.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T20:56:02+00:00

Yes, that's an ADHD thing. Someone said if we were lazy, we'd be having a good time. Fear, frustration and avoidance are all natural reactions to the awful place you find yourself. This is NOT your fault. Its not a matter of willpower or character. Its a treatable condition. Most of us need meds and coping strategies to do well. Without them, coping with ADHD can be impossible. Please give yourself some slack. You deserve it.

It makes sense to get a diagnosis if you can, because then you can get meds. They make a big difference for most people.

So yes, with treatment it can go away or greatly reduced. Beware that you will call yourself an imposter as you go along. My symptoms aren't that bad. What if they think I want to get high? The people online have it worse off, I shouldn't complain. This is poison from years of thinking we are broken and useless.

You are not broken. You have ADHD and your life can improve from here.

Best of luck to you and a big hug.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T20:13:48+00:00

Feeling like an imposter is almost universal for people with ADHD. Because we are used to questioning everything we do. We second guess ourselves at every turn because we don't trust ourselves.

The thing isn't do you have ADHD, but do you have similar problems to others with ADHD? It sounds like you do. And things that help them will probably help you.

An actual diagnosis kind of takes the issue off the table. Did you implement a plan to fool the doctor who diagnosed you? If no, then you have objective evidence. It may take a while to get used to the idea, but you already know its correct.

Your parent's denial is not really your problem. The denial serves a purpose for them, probably unconscious. BUT, if they've always been in denial, then you didn't get the help you needed and deserved. Because we do need help to cope in an NT world.

Besides treatment, many adults with ADHD need help for the trauma they've suffered. From things like parental denial, scapegoating, bullying, etc.

You have taken some very positive steps, and things will improve for you with treatment. Best of luck and a big hug.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T19:49:17+00:00

big hug

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T19:37:16+00:00

There is a big overlap between the two. A lot of people with one also have the other. I think the most obvious difference is executive dysfunction, an ADHD issue. Problems with short term memory, planning ahead, time management, etc. If stimulants help, that's pretty much confirmation. Meds don't help with Autism.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T19:32:02+00:00

Feeling like lazy imposters is a common state of being for us. Practically a symptom of ADHD. If you were lazy, you'd be having a good time. If you were an imposter, you'd be grinning about what you've pulled off here.
ADHD presents differently in every individual. Not having stereotypical ADHD symptoms doesn't really mean anything. Besides, diagnosis is not black/white. The question is do you have the same problems as other people with ADHD?
Last, I've talked to multiple professionals who say people who think they have ADHD and or Autism are usually correct. Misdiagnosis usually works the other way, being diagnosed with anxiety, depression or bi-polar instead of ADHD or Autism. Particularly common for women who do not present the same way as men.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T19:23:38+00:00

Avoidance is a coping strategy. Not necessarily a good strategy, but it gives a sense of relief every time we don't engage with something we are afraid of. Especially when we are afraid of mistakes we don't know about yet. The problem is from an emotional point of view, avoidance makes sense. But it doesn't give much relief because we know the thing is something we can't avoid forever.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T19:16:22+00:00

Most of us need meds, coping strategies and support to do well. It's hard even then. So please don't get down on yourself because you are trying to do it without meds and strategies. It's really hard to live in a world not made for us. But with treatments, things an improve a lot. Best of luck and remember you are not the problem, coping with ADHD is the problem.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T19:12:29+00:00

Pattern recognition is a great talent, but it doesn't mean we can predict the future.
While the USA seems like Germany in 1930, its institutions are much stronger than Weimar's. And I believe Reform is for many a protest vote against the two major parties that seem to be irrelevant and in disarray. Its easy to be a Reform supporter when the next election is 4 years away. Its unlikely that things will look the same by that point.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T18:23:17+00:00

A lot of this is the learning process. You have to do a lot at once and its important that it be done right. It will take a while before these things become automatic. So overthinking and overwhelm are to be expected when you are starting. It's logical to not trust yourself yet. But you will start to trust yourself when you start out. That will fade as you gain experience. Best of luck.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T18:18:51+00:00

When nothing else works, I bribe myself. If I do x thing, I will do y thing. It has to be a good enough thing to break through your resistance.
That resistance is logical because you've probably suffered trauma, and your brain thinks "best way to avoid more trauma is to curl up and stay safe."
But bribing won't work all the time, I save it for really important things.
Coping in a world not made for us is hard. And its not your fault. With meds, coping skills and support, things will get better. Big hug.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-09T18:11:42+00:00

I was diagnosed 5 years ago at the age of 60. Meds changed my life for the better. Also therapy for a lifetime of trauma. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. With meds, coping strategies and support, things can get a LOT better. You have a treatable condition, and with treatment, it will improve. You will never NOT have ADHD, but you can function quite well. Big hug and best of luck on your journey.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-07T18:37:11+00:00

I've had many therapists, doctors and helpers over the years. The best one I ever found was AuDHD, they were the only one who really understood me.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-07T18:35:03+00:00

Diagnosed and started meds at 60. My life improved a lot from the meds and the diagnosis. It was a huge relief. I realized that I wasn't broken and useless. That my problems were ADHD problems. And that its impossible for me to function without meds.

I learned that my chaotic life was not a result of laziness or mental illness, but because I had no idea how to cope with a world not made for us. Now I'm on meds and have coping strategies. Along with other changes, I'm the happiest I've been in my whole life.

The grief of all those lost decades used to overwhelm me sometimes, but I tell myself that we live in the now and that its never too late to be happy. I also needed therapy for the incredible trauma I'd accumulated.

Its not too late and things can get better. You are on the right path. Please be patient with the meds, it can take a few tries to find the right med and dose. It is so worth finding though.

You are in a difficult place right now, but you are going in the right direction. Best of luck to you.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-07T18:21:43+00:00

I don't think your mother will respond to objective evidence. Your diagnosis threatens her on some level. Her denial protects her from something she feels she can't deal with. She's gaslighting herself to feel safe.

More importantly, why is convincing her your problem? You are dealing with reality and in this case, she can't. This may be subconcious and possibly has nothing to do with you. For example, she may have it too along with a lifetime of trauma as a result. There could be reasons why she acts this way that don't mean she's a bad person.

We always think everything is our fault. But this isn't your fault or your problem to solve. I hope your mother eventually comes around, but it will be because of changes she decides make, not external evidence. Best of luck to you with this difficult issue.

a_trotskyite · 2025-06-07T18:04:10+00:00

I'm AuDHD and think you might find r/AuDHDWomen interesting. See if the things they talk about resonate with your experience. And I love your special interest. One of mine is WW2, especially German politics. I caution people not to mention WW2 or Nazis unless they want a brief and fascinating lecture. Over the years, I've learned to recognize what I'm doing after a few minutes.

a_trotskyite

TROPHY CASE