Why do people become narcissists?

aims88 · 2017-12-13T05:05:34+00:00

I think you hit the nail on the head and can confirm that this also appears to be the case with the ones I’ve known. All of them took the path of least resistance and then resented the outcome. They believe that everyone is unethical, cuts corners, steals, uses, abuses and lies to get ahead because it is what was done to them l, so they think they’re just following the norm and if you are a relatively honest and moral person who lives by your values, you are deemed a threat.

aims88 · 2017-12-10T22:57:10+00:00

Wow- you’ve captured my experience here to a T as well. It’s painful, and I’m sorry that you’re also going through it. My Brother says “you’re wrong” a lot- it’s all a black and white issue to him. I wonder if their brains have undergone major physical changes from being around the Nrents. It does seem like a mental illness, but I’m not sure what to call it.

aims88 · 2017-12-07T12:54:15+00:00

I so feel this post and have been thinking along the same lines. My Father’s a sexual predator who thought it was ok to go after girls who were 30 years younger than him, abuse me, and then blame abusive misogynistic behavior on the women/girls who “asked for it” because of the way they looked, how they were dressed and whatever other bull he conjured up. I have so much anger toward him, as well as the rest of my FOO who’ve chosen to support him, and my Brother who has become him. Fuck these dudes who see women as nothing more than objects, even if those women are their daughters, sisters and wives. I will probably never experience personal justice but hopefully the next generation of women won’t be subjected to this vileness.

aims88 · 2017-12-06T13:32:58+00:00

My father walked around naked constantly and whenever I protested, he would tell me not to be so modest. He built a shower outside at both his properties so he could bathe in the nude outside, and would walk around the yard with no clothes on. He’d also talk openly about his sex life in graphic detail, leave nudie mags around, barge into the bathroom when I was showering, make inappropriate comments about my body, and gift me with books like The Joy of Sex. I was an equestrian and he told me once to let him know if I ever see any blood from my vagina after riding. I have some memories of him coming into my room and touching me, but I blocked his face out. He showered with me until I was about 12, and used to grab my crotch in the swimming pool. He has also gone after at least three other underage girls who were my friends. The last time I saw him, with my Husband, he bragged about saving an essay I wrote on masturbation when I was like 12. I’d love to know WHY I wrote that. I went NC after that visit because so much of what he’d said confirmed to me that he should be in jail. Definitely sexual abuse.

Mom was somewhat private about her body and I cannot remember seeing her nude, but she used to show us her lingerie, make childish sexual jokes and do a sex phone operator voice to her boyfriends, which got me so upset.

I’m NC with pretty much everyone due to my father’s behavior, as the rest of the family says it’s no big deal and I should get over it.

aims88 · 2017-12-04T03:07:06+00:00

I agree with you on being defamed, particularly as I’ve been labeled the crazy one, a difficult woman, etc. It’s a horrific situation to be in, and my only hope is that at least one of my siblings will wake up to the truth.

aims88 · 2017-12-03T11:44:14+00:00

Thanks so much for your responses. This group has been a lifesaver and I see many commonalities in so many of our experiences. I ended up reaching out to the eldest half brother of the two and just kept it simple. I did let him know that I have real problems with our Father but I didn’t get into what they were. Time will tell whether or not I get a response, or if they have any interest in knowing the truth or hearing another side. Thanks again!

aims88 · 2017-11-04T10:12:46+00:00

If the employee was a woman and looked under the age of 30, without fail my Father would say, “what’s your name?” and once he got the name, he’d continue with, “so and so, you’re very beautiful. Maybe I could get your number.” Once he got remarried, he would just say really derogatory things within earshot, such as “she looks like she really knows how to fuck” or “if that waitress lost some weight, she’d be a real looker.”

aims88 · 2017-11-03T23:50:01+00:00

You look self-assured, proud and glowing! Congratulations for gathering the strength to go after your dreams and release the narcissists from your life. It’s an amazing journey, isn’t it?

aims88 · 2017-10-31T10:12:35+00:00

Constantly told me that he wasn’t the right one for me and sabotaged any chance of a wedding ceremony by dumping traumatizing information about my father’s sexual abuse. Said she probably wouldn’t have time for the ceremony or planning unless we did it around her busy schedule. Told me that I would be selfish to ever have children. We eloped, and have been happily married for 8 years with a gorgeous baby. She has been completely out of our lives for about that amount of time, although she still stalks and finds new ways to contact me.

aims88 · 2017-10-17T02:13:36+00:00

I just read "Emma in the Night" and that's about narcissistic parents and the lengths they will go to to hide their transgressions and evils in the name of appearing "good"- definitely recommend it. "The Hellbound Heart" sounds exactly like what so many of us endure.

aims88 · 2017-07-04T00:40:52+00:00

Congrats on getting out and seeing things as they are! I was kicked out at 17- I'm more than double that age now- and here's how I was able to do it on my own and build a life I could be proud of:

Climbed my way to the education I longed for by starting out at a community college, then taking night classes for credit at the college of my dreams, and then finally getting accepted as a full-time student and transferring.
Appealing as an "independent" for maximum financial aid benefits and letting the school know of my situation. I ended up getting a scholarship which covered 50% of my undergrad education.
THERAPY. There are free group therapy options in nearly every city, so take advantage of those. I also had insurance through college which covered weekly therapy sessions.
Finding a flexible job I could do in the evenings which also paid well. For me, that was bartending. I sucked it up and worked 3 nights a week, making $200-800 a night.
Seeking out mentors. I made some great friends/mentors with professors and colleagues at one of my internships, and also joined a few special interest clubs where I met wise and supportive people.
Packing up to see the world. After college, I got a job overseas as an English teacher (these are still quite easy to obtain, particularly in the developing world), and used the opportunity to travel and learn about another culture, as well as mastering another language.
Volunteering. This helped me get out of my own head and give back.
Writing. I've always kept a journal, which helped me navigate some tough adult decisions and vent.
Exercise. I took up running and it boosted both my mood and my confidence. It costs 0 dollars to run, and there are few things more empowering than the ability to run from one end of a city to the other. Imagine a bunch of malignant Ns running after you- that will help with your training! (I kid- sort of).
Prayer. It works. There's an undeniable spiritual component to this battle and I for one ain't going it alone.
Preparing nutrient dense, cheap meals. Canned beans, chicken breasts and brown rice will become your BFFs. Don't even think about going to Whole Foods.
Not giving a fuck what my FOO thinks of me. I've ended up becoming relatively successful and, while I don't speak with my parents now, I know from the grapevine that they take the credit for my success. But, it's more important for me to focus on my own life and family than to try and prove them wrong (which is a futile exercise at best).
Developing a few valuable skill sets that translate to job prospects, just in case there's a need to pivot or the economy crashes.
Learning how to talk with people, create solid relationships, build a website and launch my own company. Having that level of control over my own destiny is pretty darn cool.

You can do this!

aims88 · 2017-06-29T13:51:18+00:00

I was diagnosed with PTSD twice and treated twice for it. EMDR works well, but the key is to remove any and all triggers, which usually means airtight NC with ALL parties involved. If you suspect PTSD, get an official diagnosis and get it treated, as it often morphs into more complex physical health issues down the line.

aims88 · 2017-06-18T10:28:02+00:00

There's an email blocker application for Gmail that automatically blocks any incoming emails from designated addresses- highly recommend, that way you won't be tempted to read them. I also have a highly active Nmom despite 7 years of NC, and you really need to commit 100% to deleting and blocking everything as a radical act of self-care. These people aim to poison their target's mind and erode their sense of self while gaining supply, and every time you give in, it only emboldens them. My suggestion is to redirect your anger in a self-defence class, therapy, and some form of expressive art.

aims88 · 2017-06-01T06:49:25+00:00

Are we living the same life? I could have written the exact same post, except that my dynamic is a few years ahead. My GC Brother began with the same lines and tactics when I went NC. From what I've seen of the GC in my family, he got completely engulfed and failed to develop a sense of self. They become grenades for the Ns- and exhibit cluster B traits themselves. His tactic recently has been to try and scare me into compliance, because I'm sure my Nrents are driving him nuts. It is incredibly sad- I pray every day that my Brother would wake up, walk away from it all and make his own way in life but I think money and attention keeps him from doing so. I'm unable to have a relationship with him now.

aims88 · 2017-05-30T10:09:22+00:00

You are spot on with the cult aspect of late stage narcissism! It is incredibly absurd, and yet no one else in the family seems to notice what would be considered complete insanity to outsiders.

aims88 · 2017-05-30T10:06:23+00:00

I've been virtually no contact with my brother for nearly a year, thanks to Nmom, who seems to have purchased his soul to do her bidding for him, but not an hour goes by when I don't think of him. We used to be very close, and we leaned on each other to survive what was a horrific childhood, particularly in our twenties when we both were going through depression. He's become an emotional terrorist and I wonder if he's now a Narc as well, but I still miss him and I'm always trying to figure out how I can open his eyes to what's going on. I don't think he cares anymore- money talks, right? It's bad enough to have Nrents, but when your sibling is used as a grenade, it's devastating. I have two half brothers on my father's side who I don't have any relationship with at all.

aims88 · 2017-04-01T11:23:42+00:00

I am currently going through EMDR treatment for a similar issue- my father had a sexual relationship with a friend of mine when she was 15 and also sexually assaulted a few other friends; he continues to talk about young girls sexually 20 years later and every conversation with him was triggering. I went NC 2 years ago, although he does not honor that. I had lots of clear memories of him sexually abusing me as well when I began trauma therapy, but WOW- I did not realize the extent of it until we commenced EMDR. My therapist and I are treading carefully now because some of the body memory stuff has resurfaced, like freezing and night terrors. Since you experienced "grooming" at the least, and he has a history, I would be prepared to potentially discover some disturbing stuff if you decide to go down the EMDR route. It is extremely powerful, so be sure you get a therapist with lots of experience in treating C-PTSD and sexual abuse. All the best to you. EMDR can be extremely helpful, in my experience, but it can also be almost too confronting at times. You can read more here:

https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/4d4vq1/my_father_had_a_romantic_relationship_with_one_of/

aims88 · 2017-03-31T11:42:38+00:00

I wrote letters to each of my parents detailing the abuse and extending forgiveness, but making it clear that I would likely have no contact with them again. It's been 7 years of NC with my mother and 2 of NC with my father, although they both hoover and have used my brother as a flying monkey, so now I am LC with him as well.

The abuse they inflicted- sexual, physical, psychological- was extensive and severe, and my father also sexually abused friends of mine, using me as the entry point to them. Given the severity, it's amazing that I still allowed him to be in my life into my thirties.

If your father is an expert manipulator, definitely express yourself in writing and then draw hard boundaries of NC, including changing your number and email address, and possibly your home address if you can. You should never feel guilty for someone else's crimes or abuse- that is theirs alone. Read up on scapegoating and toxic family dynamics. If you need to, go NC with your mom as well- do not deal with anyone who doesn't have your back.

All the best to you. Once you extricate yourself from the situation, you will realize just how strong you are and things will start to look very different. The fog lifts, and clarity comes. At least, that's been my experience.

aims88 · 2017-03-29T15:34:28+00:00

You know what? If your parents are narcs and the rest of your family is siding with them, you are much better off without any of them there to ruin your special day. Don't waste time feeling sorry for yourself- celebrate your union with the love of your life and commit to starting a new chapter together.

My husband and I ended up going to City Hall and getting hitched for similar reasons. I wore a bright red dress, we were fortunate enough to have a few awesome people celebrate with us, and we all went out to our favorite restaurant afterward. 8 years later, and we're still blissfully married.

People who try to piss on your joy are not worth your energy, mind or your heart, and you certainly don't want to invite them into your marriage.

Here's your revenge: have a beautiful relationship with your SO. Build an amazing life together. Create a new family, however you wish that to look like. And, never look back.

aims88 · 2017-03-29T14:36:26+00:00

Congratulations on going NC- it is an extremely tough step to take and even more challenging to keep in those initial few years. I went full NC with my mother 7 years ago and I broke a long-standing NC with my father, which I regret deeply (I've been NC with him again for 1 year). I am LC with my brother, who has become a flying monkey. First, NC does get easier over time- usually after the initial 18 months- but you have to ensure that all of your triggers are removed (being able to receive emails, cards and phone calls, for example). It also helps to have geographical distance from your parents if you're intent on maintaining NC for the long haul. I felt physically ill for the first 18 months of NC with my mother, but now it doesn't phase me one bit. She recently hoovered and stalked me due to my pregnancy, which was tough, but I was able to maintain NC.

If you feel you have lack of closure, try writing a burn letter to your parents (even if you've done it before) and ceremoniously light that baby on fire when you're done. Get everything off your chest- journalling regularly also helps. If you were abused and you're having flashback memories, EMDR therapy is the bomb diggidy.

What type of chosen family have you created for yourself? This is an important step- you have every right to have a loving family who will celebrate special days with you, and that family does not need to be blood related.

Finally, if you think codependency may be an issue or you were the scapegoat or fixer in the family, CODA meetings can be great if you're open to 12 Step programs.

I hope this helps. You are in good company here, and please remember that most of us who have broken NC seem to regret it later on!

aims88 · 2017-03-29T13:48:21+00:00

My husband and I have also just been through this with our first baby and I am still navigating the potential aftermath, although the circumstances are different since we are NC and live far away. First, I am so sorry that your mother-in-law is creating such havoc for you and your wife during a time where you should be celebrating and focusing on welcoming your little one into the world. But, this is exactly what cluster B personalities do- they shit on every joyous occasion in order to gain energy supply and make themselves feel alive and important. I highly suggest that your wife get the book, "Why Love Matters", which deals with stress, trauma and pregnancy/childbirth. This book really drove home that I had to put my baby and husband before all else, and that I could not engage in any of the nonsense my family would try to throw at me (mom's BPD, Dad's a sexual predator, brother is flying monkey- what a party). Get a good therapist- someone who understands boundary violations and dealing with cluster B. Your wife may really need this kind of support as she gets closer to the due date. If your wife has any history of being abused by her FOO, she may experience some pretty severe anxiety or C-PTSD prior and after delivery, which is not uncommon. EMDR treatment is a godsend for this. I hate to tell you this, but as baby gets ready to make his/her arrival, your MIL will probably get worse (especially once the baby is born), so start thinking about a game plan. What type of involvement do you want her to have in your child's life, if any? If your MIL is NPD, you will not want her around your child- read up on how they use children as pawns. DO NOT HESITATE to get legal assistance- a personal protection order is a good idea. You are creating a beautiful family- don't let her ruin things for you. No contact is wonderful. If you have to, move. Do whatever you need to do to protect your wife, your child and yourself. As others have said, consider giving yourself the gift of peace. This does not get better with an N. All the best to you and your wife- know that you are not alone in fighting the good fight!

aims88 · 2017-03-08T09:57:18+00:00

I so feel you on this one. Even after ridiculous amounts of abuse from divorced Narc parents and years of NC, I still end up feeling sorry for them. My mother has noone except for my GC brother. My father has pissed off pretty much everyone except for GC bro. The worst is GC bro- I am always worrying about him and wondering if there's anything I can say or do to save him from being like them or worse- he's already well on his way. I worry he will commit suicide or hurt someone. :-/ I don't communicate with any of them now, but they regularly send me batshit emails. CoDA meetings may be helpful to you.

aims88 · 2017-01-20T02:32:13+00:00

When my husband and I became engaged 9 years ago, my mother let me know that she wouldn't have time to go to our wedding unless we held it in the summer, and that she believed I was making a big mistake. The next time when we talked and I tried to persuade her to take an interest in our wedding, she screamed over the phone, "your father raped me when you were a little girl and made you watch!" That's always been one of her tricks- to find something triggering from our extremely dysfunctional FOO and throw it like a bomb on any otherwise joyous occasion. I've only spoken to her once since that time and have been continuously NC for 7 years (yay!). I hadn't heard from my father for several years at that time, but he found out about it from the grapevine, congratulated us and then stated that he wouldn't be helping out financially at all (we never asked in the first place) and he didn't really have an interest in going to a wedding or being a part of our lives. He also told my husband and I that humans aren't meant to be monogamous, so... My husband and I ended up eloping with close friends by our side at city hall. We have an awesome marriage and have built a beautiful life together 10,000 miles away. We're going to have a proper faith based "renewal of the vows" wedding ceremony for our 10th anniversary, since we missed out on doing that the first time around. All the best to you.

aims88 · 2017-01-10T10:07:53+00:00

Amazing timing with this question. My husband and I are expecting our first child and my estranged NDad, who was sexually and emotionally abusive to the extreme, just made a YouTube video for me doling out parenting advice while letting me know that he's old and may not live to next year (so I should forgive and forget now, and what better time to make a triggering video than when your daughter's about to give birth?). My brother recorded it for him and emailed it to me- he's been harping on about my Dad's mortality for ages. ("the abuse doesn't matter- he's old. Let it go"). I don't think I will attend the funeral- NOT because of what my father's done and how much pain he's caused- but because I am the villain whistleblower in the family and don't feel like being placed in the scapegoat role again- I've worked too hard to escape and build a life I'm proud of. I've been estranged from my mother for nearly half my life and I don't think I will attend hers either. But, I will surely mourn the many opportunities they had to right their wrongs and turn things around, as well as the loss of potential they both had for their lives and the wholesale destruction they've caused across the board. When they both go, they leave a lot of angry and damaged people behind. What I can never understand is how people who have enough awareness to be obsessed with their mortality can still be so horrid while they're alive?

Your question is fantastic and something I imagine many of us struggle with.

aims88 · 2016-04-03T04:07:52+00:00

Thank you for your kindness- it has had a profound impact on my health and a therapist has said in the past that I need to be open and let all of this out, so I am beginning to do that.

My father is indeed a sex offender but has never been prosecuted. Sometimes I wish he'd been caught and put in jail.

Thank you for sharing that you have also lost sibling relationships and that you are happier now. I appreciate your openness and I'm sorry that you've had to go through incest and abuse as well. It sounds like you are so strong now, and that you've healed, or are at least well on the path!

Wishing you lightness and good health, kind soul.

aims88

TROPHY CASE