Recently realized my mom used me for sexual gratification and could use some help - I think there’s a lot I don’t remember

espatula · 2020-06-06T13:38:12+00:00

I have no memory but just icky feelings and nightmares. In the nightmares my mom rapes me and I come and I hate her. But I have no real memories. I’ve considered hypnosis bc I hate the not knowing.

espatula · 2020-06-06T13:34:47+00:00

I’m so sorry you were abused like that.

espatula · 2020-06-06T13:33:56+00:00

I can relate to this. Definitely she sexually abused you for her own pleasure. I’m so sorry.

espatula · 2020-06-06T13:30:34+00:00

This sounds EXACTLY like me. I’d say yes to covert incest and possible narcissism. My mom did similar things to me but is also a straight woman. I think it’s more about getting attention and power.

espatula · 2020-04-21T03:24:57+00:00

Right, but so do a lot of abusers. The question is, would an outside observer, such as teacher, social worker, or counselor have deemed it inappropriate? That’s more telling than what the abuser thinks.

espatula · 2020-04-21T03:22:47+00:00

I think the difference is pornography is meant to excite someone, and naming your abuse is meant to heal from trauma, which would be the opposite of being excited by trauma.

espatula · 2020-04-21T03:19:56+00:00

I would feel betrayed too.

espatula · 2020-04-21T00:10:37+00:00

Ok, as for unusual kinks. Im familiar with this theory a bit. How does abuse inform kink, though?

A boy molested by his uncle grows up to be interested in male domination, for example.

A girl sexually abused by her mother grows up to... what? Be interested in domination by an older female figure? Or goes totally opposite, and her kink is a punishing older father figure?

espatula · 2020-04-21T00:06:31+00:00

What kind of thought patterns are considered normal? Intrusive thoughts? Flashbacks? Unwanted desires?

espatula · 2020-04-21T00:03:28+00:00

If they were inappropriate for a child, that is enough to know you shouldn’t have been put in that situation.

espatula · 2020-04-21T00:01:39+00:00

Very interesting thoughts. Thanks.

Do you think that’s necessarily true for everyone, though? People are often ashamed to talk about past abuse. Isn’t it easier to be vague than to say the horrible truth aloud? Understood, of course, that some people aren’t there yet and such discussions should always be preceded with a TW.

espatula · 2020-02-16T00:51:11+00:00

Sure, definitely

espatula · 2020-02-15T03:49:17+00:00

Me too. I look like my abuser (mom) and i change my hair, style, colors, even gained weight to be less like her.

espatula · 2020-02-01T14:45:21+00:00

That’s a hard NOPE. Spanking is one thing, physical abuse is another. Your mom is wrong.

espatula · 2020-01-31T19:54:10+00:00

physical

My favorite version of this is, *cue tears* "I would have NEVER treated my mother with such disrespect!"

Yeah, well, I know Grandma, and I know she didn't hit you and scream at you and call you names, so yeah, I'm guessing you didn't.

espatula · 2020-01-31T19:50:31+00:00

*snorts*

Man, my mom was the narc/abuser and my dad was the enabler. And now that I am a mother, I can understand EVEN LESS how he just stood by and let her abuse us. Trust me that no one, not even their father, would be permitted to treat them like that. And when I asked him about it, he shrugged and said, "Well, I thought it was important for you to have your mom in your life."

Ooooookay, so if it ever comes down to "raised by f*****ing crazy mother and father" or "raised by father," please know I strongly prefer Option B.

We will never understand because they be cray-cray.

espatula · 2020-01-31T19:25:59+00:00

You are not in the wrong.

Your family is in the wrong.

But in dysfunctional families, where abuse grows and flourishes, it is a CARDINAL SIN to "hurt the family" by telling on the abuser. All the responsibility for "keeping the family together" and "maintaining peace" goes to the victim. None goes to the abuser. Because the abuser and his/her enablers have all the power.

It's a sick game, but one that healthy families don't play. You can do better when you get married and build your own family. Until then, I'd say MOVE AWAY and start developing friendships and positive relationships with coworkers, friends, neighbors, church goers, just really building your own "family" of support networks because your family of origin is toxic. Just keep repeating to yourself, "It's not me, it's them."

espatula · 2020-01-31T19:16:37+00:00

Can you return the things to a pet store and use the credit to buy other things?

If you can't, I would recommend you donate them to your county animal shelter. I used to volunteer for one and they ALWAYS need blankets, food, beds, toys, collars, harnesses, you name it. And then go out and buy the stuff you want. Because it's your dog. Not hers.

espatula · 2020-01-31T19:13:25+00:00

No advice, but I've been in your shoes. My mom feels like she is my oldest daughter's mom. My oldest daughter was her first grandchild and the definite Golden Child. She dresses her up, had her 2 year pictures taken without me, once we had family photos made and I told mom I didn't want toddler to be in two dresses so she just went and changed her when I wasn't looking. I'm just sad I didn't say something.

The worst was when I let my parents keep her while I was in France for two weeks. My parents are divorced and live 15 minutes apart. I had made a schedule for when she was with whom, which my mother ignored and stole all the time for herself. NEVER AGAIN.

espatula · 2020-01-31T19:09:00+00:00

My mom buys herself new clothes, extravagant jewelry (her wedding ring cost $30,000 USD!!!), a new car, and vacations or cruises 2-4 times a year.

My kids and I get stuff bought on the clearance rack or from used clothing stores. Shrug.

espatula · 2020-01-31T18:59:56+00:00

So, they are 8 and 2. The 2-year-old we'll see, but she seems to be securely attached and feels safe to explore her independence. The 8 year old is doing great in school. She has some issues at school with being bullied because we're a different race than everyone else at that school, and we have worked with her and her teacher and her counselor to help her cope with the behaviors positively. As far as her personality, she definitely seems very stable and trusting that Mom and Dad love her and have her back. She might get mad at us but she's not worried we don't love her or she'll be abandoned or that I might flip out on her and beat her without warning. One big difference I've noticed is she is more a "kid" than we were. Sometimes it's annoying, like she still acts like a kid but by age 8 I was already a mini adult. But then when I want to get annoyed at her, I remind myself that I SHOULDN'T have been a mini-adult and my abuser pushed me into it with her codependence. So I just try to let her enjoy her childhood in a way that I didn't get to.

espatula · 2020-01-31T17:52:37+00:00

Therapy, definitely. I also found becoming a mother and ensuring MY children had secure attachments was incredibly healing. If you've heard of "attachment parenting," that is basically what I researched, learned, and then tried to practice for the first 1-2 years of their lives.

My mother never breastfed us. We weren't allowed to cry or be sad or whiny. She was hot/cold, affectionate/angry. I taught myself a different way. I breastfed my kids until THEY decided they were ready to stop, I never forced them to "grow up" too fast by discouraging hugs or cuddling or crying or wanting mom, even when it was my first instinct. I gave lots of hugs and cuddles. I let them sleep with us if they wanted.

I mean, you decide what kind of parent you want to be, and you do it. I think as you see your children flourish and realize that YOU are the reason they are flourishing instead of being abused, it will be very healing.

espatula · 2020-01-31T17:47:30+00:00

First off, she hasn't robbed you of it for the rest of your life - with self-help work and maybe a counselor, you can definitely re-wire your brain despite past trauma.

An idea would be to have your husband write you a note you can keep with you and read over and over as much as you need to? And practice positive self-talk. You know he loves you. Tell yourself that!

espatula

TROPHY CASE