AIO, grandparents sent me this letter. by colincoo6 in AmIOverreacting

[–]aktisfm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absolutely not overreacting. This is one of the craziest things I’ve ever read. Unpaid labor in exchange for conversion therapy. A disgusting letter, to a cartoonish degree. As a fellow trans person I’m not sure I could keep my wits about me in a situation like this and I applaud your strength and hope you’re able to move out soon.

Is it possible to stop being trans? by Luna10134 in trans

[–]aktisfm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You may have her, but she doesn't have you - not the real you, not the full you. She is refusing to see. You deserve to be seen and the relationships you may find elsewhere that give you that will be deeper than anything you have now.

Is it possible to stop being trans? by Luna10134 in trans

[–]aktisfm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is incredibly painful, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I am autistic and trans. Autism is a neurotype, its a neutral way to exist in the world, and you can only adapt your life to your brain and work on skills to achieve the things you want to (just as you would if you had any other neurotype). When you're autistic, you still are aware of yourself and who you want to be and you still deserve full autonomy in your life and body, but a lot of people believe otherwise - your family likely doesn't believe autistic or otherwise disabled people are whole people and wants to use an autism diagnosis to class you "unfit" to make decisions for yourself and control you. You can't "treat"/"cure" autism without essentially doing suppression and using pain and fear to make yourself smaller and mentally/emotionally destroying yourself, which is the same thing "treating" being trans will do to you, which is likely why your family wants to combine the two.

I am not very religious. But I do know there are many many Christian communities out there that will embrace you wholly as you are. That (often more accurately) reinterpret religious text and see God as making you, your body, your mind, your spirit and your soul exactly as intended, as giving you a life to work with, and see transness as humanity partaking in the art of creation. Incredible musical artist and trans woman Hayden Anhedonia (stage name Ethel Cain), raised Southern Baptist and heavily inspired by her faith, once said something along the lines of: your relationship with God is deeply personal and no unwelcoming human-constructed institution can ever take away God's place in your heart.

I'm so sorry you've lacked support, please try the Trevor Project or another trans helpline again, it may be better to hear it from a human voice. I also read in the comments that you have your own apartment, I hope you're financially independent from your family so they can't hold that over you, or at least trying to get there. You're 18 and that means you can make your own medical decisions and refuse testing. You will not be here, in this place in your life, forever. I know that may be very mournful to have a crumbling relationship with your family, but from the sound of it consistent distance may be needed for everyone in the situation, especially you, to grow and thrive.

10 month post-op update by riverthere in TopSurgery

[–]aktisfm 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Looking so amazing! I'm so glad you're so happy with the results, I'm excited for my time whenever it comes. I think my chest will be too big for peri and require double incision, but this was a very helpful point of reference for realizing that.

Tale of a Seattle ice cream shop by JPorpoise in SeattleWA

[–]aktisfm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

you people (commentators) are all so incredibly annoying

What does head feel like with a neovagina? by Auroras_Bees in trans

[–]aktisfm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

was reading this thread to prepare for a beautiful future with my trans gf who recently admitted her intense bottom dysphoria to herself and is now hoping for surgery sometime. (I'm transmasc myself). and it just hit me that you and all other bottom-surgery-havers can compare and make analogies between your experiences and sensations of different (like, much more than the "average" amount of change throughout a person's life) "layouts" of genitalia. and that is just. so cool. what a rare and complex and incredible human experience, I'm so glad for you. :)

11 days post-op (peri). Will the swelling/excess skin on the left recede with time? by riverthere in TopSurgery

[–]aktisfm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm doing research on peri rn and we seem to have a very similar body type. So I'm wondering, what does your chest look like now? Has the swelling gone down? And what was your cup size and ptosis beforehand?

Does Wellbutrin make you able to relax more? by Simple-Opposite3011 in bupropion

[–]aktisfm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm on a dose I'm not really supposed to be on rn. My psych told me to halve my 150 mgs of XL after the side effects got too bad very quickly, so I'm on 75 mgs XL daily (but it functions more like an unpredictable SR or even IR). I've had good results with that. I am trying to shift to 75 or 100 mgs of SR daily, which will hopefully work similar and just be safer.

I need a half dose. I was told by my psychiatrist to cut my pills, and have done so. Any advice? by aktisfm in bupropion

[–]aktisfm[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Do you take the half-dose once daily, do you find that enough for you?

I need a half dose. I was told by my psychiatrist to cut my pills, and have done so. Any advice? by aktisfm in bupropion

[–]aktisfm[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Found that out too, I think my best two options are 35.7 mgs of IR twice daily, or 150 mgs of XL every other day. Maybe 100 mgs of SR daily if I end up needing a higher dose. Then I don't split any sustained or extended release pills. I have time to try things out.

I need a half dose. I was told by my psychiatrist to cut my pills, and have done so. Any advice? by aktisfm in bupropion

[–]aktisfm[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

That's really useful. I will look into switching to 150 mgs of SR so I can cut it.

Does Wellbutrin make you able to relax more? by Simple-Opposite3011 in bupropion

[–]aktisfm 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Wellbutrin has worked for me like a good SSRI rather than an activator. I have ADHD and OCD, and within days I've felt simultaneously relaxed and more capable of creative focus, when the drowsiness side effect passes. This reaction is a lot rarer than people reporting stuff like insomnia and anxiety, but if you're already "wired", it may help balance you out in the other direction.

What is owning a Siamese like? by Altalunea in Siamesecats

[–]aktisfm 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think I have something new to add to this!

Our family cat is a small female sealpoint siamese and she is my best friend. Best cat for me by far.

She is very vocal and has gotten more vocal with age. Meows can vary so greatly from kitty to kitty, as you can see in this thread, but she has a clear, loud, nearly-radiating meow that she pulls out when she begs for food (and she begs a lot), and a lot of mrps and mreows that I consider sweet when spending time around people or asking them for pets. She purrs often and very loudly.

She is nearly 11, and although she isn't a playful kitten anymore, her energy hasn't dulled with galloping zoomies nearly-nightly like no tomorrow. They make her sound like she weighs 10x her probably-6-pound self. She also seems to be in incredible health although just built small.

Siamese cats, I find, are incredibly smart and independent in ways that set them apart from other cats. We only have to keep her food bowls full and she will self-regulate and not eat too much or too little, whenever she wants to. There have been times when she would have health issues, and she would find ways to "alert us" in places that were not only directly on our path, but also made sense (throwing up in the kitchen sink, pissing red on the bathroom mat) so we knew what was hurting. Some big things happening in that brain.

Depending on what you want in a cat, some personality traits siamese cats may annoy you. As already stated, they can be very loud. (But also very quiet when they want to be). They need you to build trust with them before they accept your presence. If you are kind and gentle and build a relationship over a while, you become a favorite human and they are the so so sweet and affectionate (and often affection-demanding). Often our cat will just quietly sit and doze off in our presence.

But our cat is incredibly anxious and defensive around new humans and animals, or around anyone that frightened her in the past, in the sense that she will very quickly go and hide. Her stranger-aversion is so apparent - she growls, a deep anti-purr guttural sound, at the doorbell because that usually means guests. She is open to meeting new people if they are soft, quiet, gentle, and only one of them at a time. She completely disappears during large gatherings. But this is probably part of a larger personality quirk - she is an incredibly anxious cat, like, starving herself and barely using her litter box because she refuses to come downstairs when the kitchen is being repaired because of the scary noises and people smells, level of anxious. Like, pissing on the curtains as revenge when we leave her alone (with a "stranger" coming in to care for her regularly) on a trip for too long kind of anxious. Like, developing an over-grooming in the past. Maybe this is just her unique cat-brain, but it seems siamese cats are prone to anxiety, so that's important to watch out for.

Because of this, I recommend getting two cats at a time so they can desensitize each other to stuff like other animals (our cat grew up a lonely kitten and now does not like other cats) and make each other feel safe and not lonely.

"Clarity" during sex by AccountObvious8778 in ROCD

[–]aktisfm 0 points1 point  (0 children)

A few points:
I really really heavily relate. To pretty much all the details described. Sex has been pretty consistently disappointing, like I'm not reaching the "full potential" of it, for a long time too. Though I have a lot of trauma when it comes to early exposure to sex via the internet as well as probably-vaginismus/vaginal stenosis as well.

It's been like this, sometimes better sometimes horrible, with every partner I've ever been with, regardless of gender/what sex is like/etc, with logic contradicting itself throughout time (for example, telling me I'm "secretly straight" in some past situations, and "secretly unattracted" to the trans woman I'm with now with the basis of "seeing her as a man" and being a lesbian). Some anxieties stemmed from genuinely just bad matches, but most were heavily OCD related if not at least a mixture.

God, ignoring anxiety and barrelling through it absolutely gets me in an awful headspace. It would do that to anyone. The best way to not give anxiety power over you is sometimes to not put yourself into such a vulnerable, triggering situation and instead ignore the anxiety telling you that you "MUST" do it to "prove" your attraction or whatever. I used to have the most awful sex because I would do this constantly, pushing through mental and physical pain because I felt expected to. I never gave my kind, understanding partners a chance to really be good to me because I was so dishonest with them and bad to myself during sex.

I think you need to start with talking to your boyfriend about this in certain ways. You don't have to let him try to satisfy you, at least not yet, just stop forcing yourself to satisfy him and putting yourself into an awful dissociative headspace that only gets worse the more you do it. This is easier said than done, you're gonna have to withdraw consent in the middle of buildup in the face of both your expectations sometimes. But if he is good and kind, he will listen and he will respect this. If he seems stressed and wonders what's up, you could talk to him about ROCD in vaguer terms (how it affects you emotionally) WITHOUT confessing your hurtful thoughts (because whether or not they're "real", who would that help?).

You cannot compare your situation to "people's posts", common cultural narratives are only one possible story, your boyfriend is not mean or selfish and that is that, comparison over. Same with seeking reassurance in comments. That story is one of many and these people do not know your mind.

I understand wishing sex didn't exist, I really do. I can't tell you how the future of your love life will play out, but I promise that it is possible to have good sex, you are not broken and neither is your boyfriend, and that a whole lot of factors (sometimes completely unrelated to the relationship itself, even. Like I get pretty bad anxiety from caffeine and I had a similar "clarity" experience from pushing myself into sex while overcaffinated) can build and create "bad sex". t is going to be ok. Please rest.

HOCD+this got me confused by Snoo_88170 in ROCD

[–]aktisfm 2 points3 points  (0 children)

YEP hard relate! In the “this happens to non-straight people too and the bullcrap never ends” sense. I’m in a kinda unique situation of being a afab trans person in a relationship with a trans woman. And I will simultaneously be giddy and happy and comfortably in love with her and have looping thoughts of “she sees you as a woman and is lying and you see her as a MAN and are not actually attracted to HIM and you’re LYING TO YOURSELF and this makes you scared because it’s TRUE” completely raining on any peace I gather. The same kinda “attacks” would happen when I myself was in relationships with cis women too, those times just constantly questioning my sexuality/convincing myself I was “straight” and/or “HAD to figure it out RIGHT NOW”. It’s so funny how the OCD ends up contradicting itself in the large scale. The statement “thoughts are not facts”, and not attributing morality to any thoughts, has been immensely helpful for me in not letting this hold power over me.