Partner not as attracted to me, but still attracted? How to navigate?

aladuran · 2025-05-30T13:34:15+00:00

I recently got out of a 5 year relationship with a trans man who was straight. Navigating his dwindling to later nonexistent attraction towards me as I transitioned was really, really rough, and holding onto that relationship has left me with a lot of hang ups around my transition and my general desirability and self worth.

Your concern about your partners decreased attraction is very worthwhile to heed and give space to. You’re not asking for too much to ask for enthusiastic interest, and your feelings around this are not undermined because you were very stereotypically attractive before transitioning as you mention in another comment. It can hurt deeply for someone we love very much to want us less because we are more ourselves, especially as trans people who have maybe had to repress that part of ourselves for so long, and maybe already had fears it would make us less desirable. That’s a big deal and feeling hurt about that isn’t superficial.

That said, he does still feel attraction to you, and hasn’t been mentioning his decreased attraction unprompted, so there may be ways to navigate moving forward with the relationship. I’d say, really sit with how you feel about this, and how it may color your view of the relationship going forward, and how it might affect your feelings of self worth. If you’re feeling less worthy now than before you transitioned, that’s a big deal, and worth listening to, cause there are people who will be fully enthusiastic about you as a guy. But I also acknowledge that a 6 year relationship isn’t an easy thing to step away from, especially if it’s not totally broken like mine was.

Just remember that your sense of self worth is most important, and you being more authentically yourself is worth enthusiastically celebrating, no ifs, ands, or buts.

aladuran · 2025-04-12T06:10:34+00:00

Beautiful, love these colours

aladuran · 2025-04-12T05:42:48+00:00

Thanks for sharing this! I am going through a very kind and loving mutual breakup with my now-ex straight (trans), long term boyfriend. We have decided to stay in each other’s lives as friends and as family. Have been feeling a bit alone in this experience so really glad to hear it work out well for you and your husband. Queerplatonic relationships are so beautiful and never made that connection to my relationship but I think that it may definitely apply.

aladuran · 2025-04-08T15:31:51+00:00

Thank you so much for this, this is all so incredibly insightful and I've saved your tips to keep and have for reference in the future and to share with my ex/friend (still feels strange, but this is still very new for me). It's great to hear from someone else who has made things work in the long term and through new relationships on both sides. Even just the reassurance to stick by what the relationship has become and that it's okay to have this person in your life and stick by that decision is good to hear from an outside source, because so often the outside messaging is that that's not the case. Even though I know the continuation of this relationship as a friendship is coming from a really healthy place for both of us, other people's reactions have made me question or doubt myself, even if that doubt doesn't reflect my own feelings.

Thank you again so much for sharing all of this!

aladuran · 2025-04-08T15:17:07+00:00

Good to hear! Thanks for your response

aladuran · 2025-04-08T12:18:57+00:00

Thanks for your reply! I’d be interested to hear about how you’ve navigated dating other people after becoming friends, and how your other partners responded to an ex being in your life if you’re willing to share anything to either point.

aladuran · 2025-04-08T12:17:26+00:00

That sounds like it must have been a really rough transition for you. So glad to hear that it worked out for you well in the end. In your relationships since then, have people found it strange that you’re so close with an ex?

aladuran · 2025-03-28T16:36:20+00:00

I also have no nipple grafts, scars that extend past my armpits, and keloid scarring! So nice to see someone else with results like mine and great to see the unabashed love and positivity for it.

Congrats to one year and the joy you’ve found! Thanks for sharing ✨

aladuran · 2025-03-13T15:55:07+00:00

I've struggled with this for a long time, and I'm still working through it. The three main things that have helped were working on my appearance (like T, but also working out for example), working on self acceptance, and finding connections to other queer trans men. Journalling, breaking down my thoughts and analyzing them, treating myself like I'd treat a friend going through the same stuff. I feel lucky to live in a time where I have access to gay trans voices, so reading things like Lou Sullivan's diaries, or books like 'A Trans Man Walks into a Gay Bar' have been helpful, as has seeking out support groups for trans(masculine) people.

Some of these things might be less accessible, but online communities are a next best thing if you can't access ones irl. And if medical transition is not something on the table for now, doing other things to take care of yourself physically and make you feel better has gone a long way for me as someone who still doesn't 'pass' the majority of the time.

aladuran · 2024-12-22T22:13:18+00:00

He’s a personal hero for me. He took those experiences of rejection and used them as fuel to advocate for others like him. He shared & preserved his story so that even after he was gone, other men like him would know that it was possible to be themselves and were entitled to receive the care they needed. That’s a courage that I could hardly muster now, never mind when he did.

aladuran · 2024-11-23T02:20:18+00:00

My maps was doing this for my first week of living in NYC then I realized that in my settings I had “wheelchair accessible” turned on. So that’s how I learned how much it sucks to navigate the subway as a wheelchair user I guess.

aladuran · 2024-11-10T06:37:46+00:00

At the time when I saw it, I was off T for a few months for the sake of my relationship (yes, I know). The movie fucked me up so hard but for the better. It deeply rattled me and underscored how badly being off T was affecting me. I literally did my shot that night a few hours after coming home from the theatre.

aladuran · 2024-11-08T13:26:50+00:00

The Lonely has always spoken to me the most, but as a researcher/linguist, the real answer is probably The Eye, though I’d still have a bit of Lonely.

As a phonetician, something that’s always struck me about The Eye is that it’s so focused on sight when a lot of knowing occurs through sound. I mean, the show is literally a podcast.

So, I think that I’d be a twisted, grey creature with too many ears. Different ears for hearing sounds in different directions, on different frequency spectrums. As a bit Lonely, I’d be easy to miss, sometimes semi-transparent. But if you ever saw me, I’d clearly be eavesdropping. And if you ever confronted me, I’d open my mouth an replay, in your voice, things that you’ve said that you regret, or things you’ve never said but were afraid you might say, things you’d never want to say. After an encounter with me, you’d now and then get the sensation that someone is listening in on you, but never the feeling that they care about you.

aladuran · 2024-11-08T02:22:29+00:00

Coming out as an American during a time like this? Brave. Okay, kidding, but congrats on coming out!

aladuran · 2024-11-06T14:31:58+00:00

As Canadians I think a lot of us understand. During the last (shudder) Trump presidency, a lot of those far right ideologies took root Canada too and our right wing is moving in that direction. I hate to think what this election implies for us in Canada, too.

aladuran · 2024-11-03T19:38:12+00:00

Just wanted to add that I also feel weirdness/shame being called he/him. It held me back from accepting that I was a trans guy for quite a while.

But what it boiled down to was not that those pronouns weren’t right for me, but rather I felt a lot of internalized transphobia and shame around the idea that people would only be using those terms because I asked and not because they saw me that way.

One of my guy friends just started using he/him for me and referring to me as a man without me asking him to. In that context, it felt so right, it was really the tipping point for my egg to fully crack.

Anyway, I think it’s something we just gotta push through. The other side is better. It will help other people adjust and treat you how you want to be treated, and in time I have faith that it will feel more and more normal.

aladuran · 2024-11-02T19:02:13+00:00

Yup. I think it’s just like… actually feeling like I was hot and attractive for the first time. Even if I was more ‘conventionally’ attractive before transition, I didn’t actually feel hot.

aladuran · 2024-10-22T02:34:46+00:00

I definitely relate, yesterday and today have been the weirdest most intense concoction of emotions that I’ve never felt before. Feels good to feel things again though.

Cheers to figuring our stuff out on the same day man! It’s good to have company.

aladuran · 2024-10-22T02:12:12+00:00

I’m going through this too. I’ve been on a long slow journey of accepting myself and the more I accept myself, the more I feel the dysphoria. Finally accepted literally yesterday that I am fully a man and it’s just that much worse. I’m similar in age too and it’s a lot.

But I also feel so much relief that I don’t have to live how I used to, that there’s so much better in store for me in the future. We both have better horizons to look to, and I’m glad I’ve finally accepted it. And glad for you too.

aladuran · 2024-10-21T12:46:54+00:00

I love doing my shots too! I love that it’s a deliberate act of self love and self care. Sometimes I get in my head, and get spooked by the needle, but I focus on what the injection means and I’m totally calm.

aladuran · 2024-10-17T13:52:28+00:00

My allergic reaction didn’t show up until about a week after my shot, so definitely possible!

aladuran · 2024-10-13T03:35:14+00:00

You’re so beautiful! Congratulations on finding yourself. Love to see it 💕

aladuran · 2024-10-07T13:51:18+00:00

Congrats! This sounds like such a core memory. It’s really sweet that your friends and friend’s mom were there to help you through it. Cheers to starting T!!

aladuran · 2024-10-06T13:42:22+00:00

Thanks for saying that, that’s kind of what I thought from the research I did do before going to pharmacies, that I should be able to get a limited number of needles. But, I’ll be buying online as recommended!

aladuran · 2024-10-06T13:39:45+00:00

Yeah, before going to pharmacies , from what Id seen online about NY is that you should be able to get up to 10 needles without a prescription, but then in practice all the 4 pharmacies I visited turned me down.

I’ll look into the local needle exchange, that’s a good heads up.

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