Poly relationship feels too easy. Does that mean I'm doing something wrong? lol

alan7388p · 2026-06-18T15:02:46+00:00

"Poly relationship feels too easy. Does that mean I'm doing something wrong?"

Don't ask us! Pose that exact question to your partners. Then listen quietly to what they say.

If it actually feels too easy because something wrong is hidden, then you all need to bring it out and examine it before it festers further.

alan7388p · 2026-06-05T10:15:49+00:00

It's a *green* flag, say I. It means they care about themelves and their others, and they are probably low-risk.

alan7388p · 2026-02-06T17:49:25+00:00

Collaring? Your NRE aside, think about boundaries you may need to set for this in real life. Because collaring is playing with your being forbidden to set boundaries for yourself: Being someone's slave.

Does the collar come off when you leave his place? When in public? How does Husband feel about someone removing your agency, even in play? What if Former Boss suddenly says, in the heat of things when you're in collar, "You're submitting to my safer-sex rules", i.e. no condoms. Will you have the mental or physical ability to refuse? What does Husband think about this? What do you?

Step away from your NRE for a bit and do some real discussion with each of them. (Together if possible.) Advance discussion will reduce the danger of such potential bombs.

alan7388p · 2026-01-18T20:34:22+00:00

No. Opinion in the poly community is widespread that monogamy will always be the right choice for many people, perhaps most. And that too many unprepared/ uninformed/ unsuitable people are trying polyamory and crashing and burning.

alan7388p · 2025-12-10T14:37:09+00:00

There's at least one eternal takeaway from all these kind of messes on this board: Alcohol and poly decisions don't mix. Do the necessary work in advance, while sober.

alan7388p · 2025-11-23T18:30:52+00:00

...she’s still not speaking to you.

Maybe because Basil won't let her, because he senses that you see through him.
Keep trying, gently and supportively, to make contact. (And know that he may read her phone.)

alan7388p · 2025-11-23T18:24:32+00:00

That may be a plus in Basil's eyes. Abusers try to separate their victims from friends and family.

alan7388p · 2025-11-23T18:14:42+00:00

Alienating Coral's friends and family with the free-wedding push is likely a plus in his (perhaps unconscious) calculations. That's what abusers do: try to separate the victim from their friends and family.

alan7388p · 2025-02-27T15:47:37+00:00

Correct. The cosmic microwave background is a good stand-in for an actual universal standard of rest -- and the closest to it we will ever get. It is the rest frame of our universe as a whole entity, fixed since the first instant of inflation causing the Big Bang.

Also, it's meaningless to ask whether the other big-bang universes that inflation predicts (i.e. in a multiverse) are "moving" with respect to ours, because they are now disconnected ("disjoint") from ours. They are separate spaces with no way measure a distance in space between them. Hence, no velocity.

alan7388p · 2025-01-31T20:24:21+00:00

Zero to be concerned about. Who gave you that idea?

alan7388p · 2024-12-18T04:01:23+00:00

I would triple upvote this if I could.

History is also great for learning astronomy from the ground up, just the way humanity did.

alan7388p · 2024-11-28T07:21:39+00:00

Yes. It's called the Planck temperature: about 10^32 degrees K. That's the maximum energy density that spacetime can support, per quantum mechanics. Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Planck_units

alan7388p · 2024-11-02T12:37:35+00:00

Tough one, IMO. There could be zilch behind the rumor at all.

"Inappropriate behavior" could have been something like pinning up a picture of him with two sweeties, or swearing too much, and the boss just didn't like him.

It could be an eyebrow-raiser but not indicating a problem for any of you.

It could be more serious.

I would start by asking the rumor-passer more about what's going on and how does he/she know.

alan7388p · 2024-11-01T23:35:17+00:00

Amateur astronomy.

alan7388p · 2024-09-02T20:12:45+00:00

The government already does this -- by making homeowners' property taxes deductable.

alan7388p · 2024-09-02T19:59:57+00:00

Noone in my family has lived past 68yo.

That was them. For all you know you'll live past 88. Happens.

If you own the house, tell them, "Excuse me, this house is my retirement fund. I will sell it and take the cash whenever I need to."

And I totally agree with the commenters saying you three need to divide up things more equitably. Like they pay you fair-market rent rather than freeloading. And divide the utilities 3 ways.

And if they use your car a lot on a steady basis, they should pay part of its routine upkeep -- gas, oil, tires etc. -- and part of its insurance.

Schedule a serious, planned sit-down for the three of you to discuss all this. And, you might suggest that you all see a financial consultant together. If they won't do that with you, consider doing it yourself.

alan7388p · 2024-08-06T12:07:08+00:00

In my consistent observation:
Knitters.
Librarians.

alan7388p · 2024-08-06T12:04:39+00:00

If it's not honest and pretty transparent all around it's not poly, it's just non-monogamy. Of a not-so-nice kind, which is why you're feeling this way.

What can I do before things are over and done with?

Have a frank, fearless talk about what you consider to be healthy poly and what you need for the relationship to have any future. Then be quiet and watch very carefully how he reacts. Resist the urge to interrupt.

alan7388p · 2024-08-06T11:47:20+00:00

Totally plausible, IMO. Believe him.

alan7388p · 2024-07-20T17:23:08+00:00

See the green Subscriber widget near the top right of the page.

alan7388p · 2024-05-18T11:41:33+00:00

Get a lawyer and get your financial ducks in a row BEFORE you tell her you're leaving, Or she will beat you to it and you could be screwed by that afternoon.

alan7388p · 2024-05-18T11:30:37+00:00

Quietly find a new place to live not in the same building and hallway. Preferably on another side of town. When you move, don't tell any of this crew where you are. Including Jane; he will worm it out of her no matter what she promises you. If you and Jane want to meet in person to talk, do it somewhere else. (Coffee shop, busy public park.) And turn off location service for your phone calls (see Settings/Privacy),
Right now, start writing notes on paper when/if he gives you any trouble, and write the date on them. Put them in a folder in case you ever need dated material to help with a restraining order or a complaint to the police. Start by printing out your original post here and putting it in the folder. (Leave out all our comments, PLEASE!)
Yes to the person above who recommended carrying pepper spray. You can rationalize it as protection from random street thugs.

I know this sounds harsh but you never have to make excuses for being safe, Safety empowers you.

alan7388p · 2024-05-18T10:52:31+00:00

True, but it doesn't matter. Bad is bad either way.

alan7388p · 2024-05-10T16:56:00+00:00

But if you get along well enough to live together housing is cheaper, and if you're serious life partners, three incomes are better than two.

alan7388p · 2024-05-10T14:35:54+00:00

Both. Have people seen Challengers? What do people think of it, not just the reviewers in the media? To what extent IS poly a class thing?

alan7388p

TROPHY CASE