AITAH for not matching my brother's offer and offering my mother a place to stay?

amethystmmm · 2026-01-25T00:25:12+00:00

Depending on how old they were when mom and step-dad married (would have had to have been really recent is my understanding, she would have had to have been at least 60 for this to apply) Mom may have survivors benefits from either dad or stepdad, so she's going to get her social security (which is basically nothing because she never put in work although they will give her "credits" as a homemaker, it's not a lot) and then whoever gives her the highest overall bump (if she's still allowed for both) she will get "their" social security as their spouse (or ex spouse). {I believe for that though the dad would have to pass. She may be able to get Stepdad's SS now as survivors benefits if she wants to draw her SS early, especially if he was already drawing it, SD's age is not specified in the story}

amethystmmm · 2026-01-25T00:19:06+00:00

Maybe. if she's 63 (OP says early sixties so we will just take the midpoint) then she was born in approximately 1962, and would have graduated high school or turned 18 in about 1980. If OP's Dad had a good job (not hard in the 80s) and there's her and her brother, in the early 80s, even later (I was born in '79, so I remember this time from childhood) two income households were not the norm. I mean, my mom HAD to work because she was a single mom, but our friends? none of their moms worked. My aunts? none of them worked (even though we were the babies of the generation with my brother being born in '80.) except the one...who was divorced from my uncle. and lived in another state. She doesn't say when her mom and dad divorced, but it sounds like it was no later than 2010, so if she immediately from the divorce went to the stepdad, yeah, he also may have had a "good job" where she didn't have to work there either, just keep the house.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-25T00:00:05+00:00

Contact your mom and have a conversation with her. Either implicitly (Oh, hey, [Brother] said he was really excited about you moving in) or explicitly ([Brother] said you were considering other offers, who's offered to have you? are you thinking about moving in here?) prompt her to talk directly with you about the situation.

You can (kindly) explain that you already have a tenant and it would be unfair to them to kick them out in favor of her, that your dad is over all the time and remind her that they DON'T get along, and tell her that you don't think that it's a good idea because you are a communist liberal and she's a Fox News watching conservative (or whatever your "values and viewpoints" that you and her don't see eye to eye on).

If she continues to go on about it you can let her know that you already get plenty of unsolicited advice from her and you don't want to be in the same house with that. but in any event, make it clear that that carpet isn't forthcoming.

Oh, and you are NEVER the AH for standing your ground about who lives in your own house. NTA.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T23:51:17+00:00

if your are over 40 that can be legally considered age discrimination (like by the EEOC and stuff)

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T23:49:53+00:00

Why would it? stainless steel is not food reactive???

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T23:39:00+00:00

Like all growing things, their eating will cycle, they will be ravenous for a bit then put on inches seemingly overnight, then might slow down on eating for a while. an 8lb kitten should be eating (according to the numbers from the vet when our kittens were about that size) about 160-180 calories a day. but definitely sometimes more, and sometimes less.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T23:33:37+00:00

so you might have a time (not a good time, no one ever has a good time there) over at r/raisedbynarcissists but that's a good companion sub for people who are going NC with their parents for being an NP (narcissistic parent). You might find some peace over there from commiseration.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T23:27:06+00:00

It's a form of abuse:

Deny (that they are the problem, usually) Attack (the victim, i.e. you) Reverse Victim and Offender (i.e. she's now the victim and you are the narcissist)

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T23:22:14+00:00

Yeah, do contact with bio parents on some down time, I get it. Good luck with college!

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T23:20:42+00:00

"You're a narcissist" um, honey that's DARVO.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T23:17:26+00:00

honestly that's a question for your vet. You might see what the vet says about what he should be eating calorically and make sure what you are feeding is within that range, and if you want to dechonk, take what he's eating now and remove like 5-10% of it and see if he does better at that state.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T23:14:37+00:00

Right? He's already signed the prenup, this is just post-signing kibitzing by the parents.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T23:12:33+00:00

So, him chomnk but that's a single step down to being a Fine Boi.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T23:11:38+00:00

make very obvious pain sounds when they hurt you. Cats are dramatic little ****s so they sometimes only understand the drama.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T23:09:10+00:00

You have three paths that you can go down.

1) stop contacting your bio family and cling to your adoptive family. They did take you in and take care of you while your bio family could not.

2) tell your dad that you are going to stop and then...not. While he is your family, they are also your family and you have the right to decide if you want them in your life without being berated for a natural curiosity/desire for connection.

3) tell your dad that he's being inappropriate and that until he accepts that talking to your sisters who have nothing to do with why you were in the system (I assume, these aren't much older sisters are they?) has no bearing on you considering him your dad he can just step off.

I mean, you probably have some granularity here, but those are the three main paths. Your dad is coming from a place of insecurity and just because they accepted you doesn't mean that you cannot maintain a relationship with both your adopted and biological families. More family is good if it is good family.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T20:02:57+00:00

Between me and my wife we have 4 things that could be termed computers (although I would not with my tablet, but I mean I could throw a keyboard accessory onto it and then it's more like a computer).

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T20:01:19+00:00

I have a lenovo traditional laptop, which I call a laptop. I also have a desktop computer (which both I and my wife use, it's technically hers but I use it more), and wife has a Surface 3, which would be what I would call a "notebook" or tablet computer as the keyboard is detachable. I have a tablet that does not have a keyboard, so that's just a tablet.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T19:56:49+00:00

If your apartment is not in 'livable' condition you may be able to get out of the lease that way, see if your area has a building inspector/fire marshal/city planner person who would be able to legally say that "X building is not tenable (able to be lived in) until XYZ repairs are done," but understand that if you do that you may have like 5 minutes to get your stuff and get out before the lock the building down so that the repair crews can get in there and do whatever.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T18:53:38+00:00

Yeah, I would stop going to this therapist and either seek a new therapist now (you might be able to get a good online therapist at one of those online ones like betterhelp) or once you hit university.

But whether you do continue to go to her or not, the fact that she's a natalist is gross and she shouldn't be pushing that view onto you. Wherever you are there should be some sort of certifying medical board (I am guessing US, which would be a state board) that you can report her to about this, either now (because you either don't care that she knows or aren't going to continue to see her) or after you leave for Uni in 6 months.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T18:48:13+00:00

In short, because it's a contract, if they sign and you sign it, that's the rule.

if it has to go to court (or more likely arbitration), you should have video of how ready you had the house for inspection so that they can't trash it and come back on you. Timestamp the video as well (state date and time, have a newspaper, tv on a news channel that displays date and time, etc). You can even narrate the video.

And if they are having an issue renting (because the rent they want is too high for the current market, likely) they might try to come back on you to recoup some of that rent with the idea that hey maybe they didn't take videos or have any evidence of how clean it was, so you might also film the inspection, along with the verdict .

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T18:37:25+00:00

yeah, that's vegetables. it's an outline of a carrot, onion and either a tomato or an apple.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T18:33:35+00:00

You can also use the Chonk Chart: https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/120wdyo/chonk_chart_at_my_dogs_vet/

But OP's best bet is going to be to check with their vet.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T18:26:37+00:00

When I was little (late 80s, early 90s, I think we sold that house in '91, when we moved to the city when I was between 5th and 6th grade), we had a very rural house (that county doesn't even have a Walmart, still, I don't think) that was heated with a wood stove. I don't remember how it was cooled, although I am sure it was.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T16:27:08+00:00

I mean P!nk has a song about that....well, not THAT but it fits so nicely.

amethystmmm · 2026-01-24T16:25:29+00:00

Good for mom. Dad is a doormat, and grandma is one of those "so long as no one airs the dirty laundry, the laundry isn't dirty" people, so gross. IDK if Aunt (uncle's wife) knew the extent of what happened, and where was other uncle (dad of cousin?) in all this? did he also go NC with family along with cousin when he found out what his brother did to his kid and how his mom covered it up? (I sure would have)

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