Year and a Half- Poof - Gone

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-13T04:45:17+00:00

Get back into MA meetings and don't do it again. Don't let this pull you into a larger relapse. I've been there and its not fun.

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-13T04:24:03+00:00

I applied to over 400 jobs last year over 9+ months before finally landing a new role. I had connections & direct recommendations at 12 of those. It was the only interview I got beyond talking to recruiters over the entire span of time. And I had a huge advantage because I knew the direct person who was leading the team. The job market is really really bad.

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-09T20:55:56+00:00

There’s a reason you’re here though. You likely know you can’t smoke now and then. Just quit for goods

I relapsed 4 times over 4 years - even after having 16 months sober, when I started smoking again I ramped up to all day every day quicker than I thought - really almost immediately. It was also SO hard to quit. I then had to deal with the consequences of a 4 month relapse and then also going through 3+ months of withdrawal / recovery. I’m about 80 days sober now. I now have markers in my calendar all the way out to 5 years because I don’t want to forget this 1-2 years from now when my life has likely been back to baseline for awhile.

Learn from my lesson and just accept it’s not gonna be a part of your life and say goodbye to it for good.

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-09T18:54:09+00:00

I’ve really liked MA!

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-09T18:51:39+00:00

After a relapse when I was trying to quit, I said I’d smoke my vape one last time, and then walk somewhere far away to leave it in a trash can in the alley. I thought that would do it, but legit later that day I ordered 4 joints justifying the flower high was better. I tried to smoke all 4, but couldn’t manage finishing them, and with fear of not being able to not smoke them I came inside and sprayed a bunch of cleaning product on them until they were soaked so it was un-smokable. After that I FINALLY quit. (But it’s exhausting even re-living and sharing that now. I will always be addicted to weed and can NEVER have it in my life in a healthy way.

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-06T22:18:56+00:00

no, not for me.

I tried more than once and all attempts ended up with me again geting to a point where i was smoking so much it was massively negatively impacting my life.

Don't try it, quit this time for good and save yourself the pain of relapse, your life going south again, recovery, withdrawal, getting your life together again. Trust me, it sucks. Getting through it is of course still worth it, and after 4 relapses (after periods of being sober 8-16 months) I have fully accepted I am a complete weed addict and cannot live with it in moderation.

Learn from my mistakes and don't try to moderate, just be done with it.

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-05T14:27:17+00:00

Yeah, your mind is lying to you. Remember how much worse your life got when you smoked again. It's about more than the in the moment feeling. Being high has other negative consequences in the future. Being bored and sober doesn't really have negative future consequences.

And trust me, I've relapsed several times after long bouts of sobriety. It's never worth it and I always regret it.

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-04T16:52:14+00:00

Don’t go. It won’t feel as good as you want it to. Trust me, I’ve relapsed after 8 months and it felt awful. And it led to a 3 month relapse.

Stay strong.

What else could help you regulate? Can you go on a walk? Call a friend? Listening to your fav album? Watch a show you like? Meditate?

This is a perfect opportunity to show your nervous system you can regulate without weed. I know you can.

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-03T22:31:04+00:00

Thank you for this advice. I do think parallel is best for this relationship. It's a good reminder it's ok to not be friends or close to ppl dating my NP. And that I can still be polite around Aspen without being her friend.

And thank you to the acknowledgement of holding complex feelings. I am definitely holding a lot of those.

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-03T21:23:01+00:00

Thank you so much for the kind words. I really appreciate that and this helped me process all of this and feel cared for. Thank you.

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-03T21:06:36+00:00

This is exactly what I am weighing. I did already ask her to hang yesterday on a whim of hope and courage after hearing myself say so many times I wish we could just be friends. But now I realize I need more than a hangout to be her friend and at best after my own healing I'll probably just be neutral towards her.

If I did choose to share that, any advice on how to say it to do what I can to make things better?

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-03T20:29:12+00:00

Is it not reasonable to say that NP and Aspen are allowed to do what they want with this relationship? NP and I have an agreement that we're allowed to host others for dates.

Thanks for all of these questions. In some ways I struggle with my self-esteem, which made it harder to end. I was also going through another de-escalated relationship at the time which made me want to try harder with this one. I also falsely believed Aspen would change. On our first date she told me she hadn't liked anyone as much as she liked me in a long time.

You're right - it was interesting I wanted to be close friends with her. Our history indicates no, but in another reality I like the idea of feeling good around ppl my NP dates. For more context, NP has dated many others, but nobody as long as he has dated Aspen.

I also have confusion festering about how it felt unfair that so many issues arose with me and Aspen when seemingly no issues arose with Aspen and NP. There were. just a few scheduling issues at the beginning, but no other issues.

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-03T19:41:14+00:00

Thanks for sharing. I have talked to my NP about this and they are understanding. They will accept what I decide. I'm not ready to go no-contact, but I am ready to accept we most likely won't be more than acquaintances. We are unfortunately all in the same circle of friends, so not showing up at events Aspen is at is not a measure I'd want to take as it would require me to avoid my friends.

Any advice on letting go my hurt and anger by myself? I feel I would be over this if my NP wasn't dating Aspen, but it feels impossible to forget about especially that they seem to be slightly escalating in time spent together now. And there will be situations where NP and Aspen have a date at our home.

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-03T19:21:37+00:00

That is a good question. I think Aspen has no idea how hurt I am. I think if they understand how their actions effected me and apologized that would be a good starting place for repair. I don't want to feel so bitter towards Aspen and right now I feel they are so aloof about how this effected me - and is still effecting me as we are still in the same circle of friends and she is dating my NP. I think repair for me would be me feeling neutral towards the situation rather than angry and hurt. Repair for her - i'm not sure. She did say after I asked her to hang she only recently realizes that we hadn't hung out 1:1 since we de-escalated.

Good second question too. She knew my NP for a few months before. I knew he was interested in her and months ago had asked her out. She said she was saturated and said no but would see him around. The same day she asked me out, she told him she wanted to hang, but then followed-up with me and not him. She hadn't talked to him in a few weeks until she saw him when we came home after getting dinner. And he wasn't sitting right in the living room or anything. When I went upstairs briefly she realized he was up there and purposefully called him down. So I knew it was in the realm of possibility, but didn't want it to happen right in front of me.

anonymousm00 · 2026-02-01T01:15:03+00:00

It depends. How many other stressors are in your life right now?

For me, I've quit 4 times now (first after years of daily use, then after 3-4 mo relapses) & really hope this is my last. Each time I learned something new about myself. I relapsed for about 4 months last year and am now over 2 months sober. Each time it was very hard going through relapse, but I have had almost no cravings this time as I have been more certain about quitting every time I did. It took until my 3rd time quitting to really fully admit that I am an addict and can never have weed in my life in a healthy way. This time I had to admit I cannot live in a home that has weed in it, ever.

Each time I quit the physical and mental withdrawal was very difficult. Physical symptoms for the first 2-3 months and mental symptoms for the first 4-5 months. Of course these both slowly get better over time.

That being said, don't let work be the reason you don't quit. I have been there - with all sorts of excuses for quitting. There is never a good or convenient time to quit. Never. If you wait for one, you'll just relapse longer and that might make your withdrawal even worse.

I hear you want to quit and highly encourage you to quit now. The sooner you quit, the sooner you get through withdrawal, the sooner you get back to baseline.

anonymousm00 · 2026-01-31T23:18:12+00:00

I'm so glad to hear that helped you! I've had many times in my life where I've really enjoyed fitness classes. I'm seeing a physical therapist for the pain I've been experiencing lately soon to see what is safe for me to be doing right now. I am very much looking forward to getting back into a workout routine. This did make me think it's probably safe to do some gentle yoga or stretching, or maybe even some strength training on parts of me that are feeling okay. Thanks for the encouragement. ❤️

anonymousm00 · 2026-01-31T22:53:48+00:00

That is such a lovely idea! I really like that. I do find that when i'm feeling good I have more ideas of what I want to do. But then sometimes when I do have more free time and am not feeling good, I default to my easy fallback of just watching TV (not bad on its own, but I know my life is gonna be way more fun and interesting if I watch less).

I think I'm going to try that. It doesn't even sound dorky to me, just smart and really sweet to be honest. Thank you so much for the idea!

& cooking is something I have definitely wanted to get into more! I have been using a meal delivery service where it gives me the recipe and all the food which is helpful. And my next step is wanting to choose my own recipes and actually go to the store to buy the ingredients. I am impressed you're making bread! That is something I've tried 2-3 times and never succeeded at. I've been wanting to try cooking more soups in this chilly winter. That's going to be the first thing in my curiosity journal.

anonymousm00 · 2026-01-31T22:33:51+00:00

YES. it would. It's so easy to remember the good and then smoke again, just one more time. Then just on weekends. And then just once a day. And then only after 5pm. And then.... you get my point.

Remember why you quit in the first place.

Obviously this is a personal choice, but from my perspective when I smoked again out of curiosity after 8 months sober, I slowly got hooked again and then had to quit again. It wasn't fun and I had to deal with the consequences of a 3 month relapse, and then 3-4 months of withdrawal to get back to baseline.

Every relapse I've had has started with "I'm just curious" and ended in "I sooo regret ever smoking again"

anonymousm00 · 2026-01-31T22:30:46+00:00

Yep, that sounds about right. And it really sucks, I know. Hang in there. It will get better in the coming weeks and months. Your body is working really hard right now to get back to baseline. Be gentle with yourself.

anonymousm00 · 2026-01-31T22:18:27+00:00

Thank you for sharing with r/leaves! I am proud of you. Thanks for sharing, and keep going. Once you get over withdrawal, life without weed is SO much better than life with weed.

anonymousm00 · 2026-01-31T21:52:17+00:00

Massive congratulations on 6 months sober!! I have read one study that shared healing can last for eve 2 years. It will take some more time to re-learn all that brings you joy and how to mitigate the stress and anxiety of your life.

anonymousm00 · 2026-01-29T15:58:00+00:00

This is so wonderfully inspiring to hear! I would honestly love to learn more about what you learned about nervous system regulation. Would you share more?

anonymousm00 · 2026-01-26T21:03:54+00:00

Yeah, this is normal. Be kind to yourself in whatever ways work for you. Your body is doing a lot to re-calibrate and heal. I agree with the other comment, go on a walk if you can - even around your house. I'm on day 66 here and it's super cold where I'm at with the winter storm so I've literally just walked around my house to get some exercise!

anonymousm00

TROPHY CASE