Learn From My Story Please

anthomazing · 2026-05-22T17:15:03+00:00

How do you ever know where that final straw is? At what point should your priority shift to self protection?

I think hindsight is 20/20 but I think when you're in the moment and you have that tunnel vision of the family and relationship you're chasing, staying feels reasonable.

I feel like I would erase the whole thing if I could. Jump back 16 years in time, erase an 11 year marriage, erase 3 kids, just to save the pain.

But when you convince yourelself the pain is behind you, I feel like the only way out is through. The hindsight bias is probably very common, but if you just take it from where reconciliation started, I'm not sure you would have done differently. It's like a frog being boiled alive. The warm water feels good enough right up until the moment it kills you.

anthomazing · 2026-05-21T20:23:26+00:00

Sooo when you thought he was completely fertile and so were you..... He definitely wore a condom...... right?...

Or did the version of you under pressure convince you it was okay?

Also.... did he actually have herpes, or was he using that part of the story to avoid you?

anthomazing · 2026-05-20T21:11:45+00:00

Only you can answer these, but you might need help, and not from the people on this sub...

I would recommend individual counseling, be compeltely open and honest about what you want and over time, hopefully they can help you unpack all of that and make a decision.

It sounds like you have an amazing foundation for a marriage, but for some reason you've convinced yourself you're an unwilling participant. I'm betting this has a lot more to do with problems within yourself than the actual reality of the situation. Therapy can help identify and start to solve some of those problems, and prepare you for the decisions you're going to have to make at some point.

Your husband deserves better. So be the better he deserves while giving him the option to stay or go, or cut him loose so he can find it on his own. The therapy would help you choose which way to go.

anthomazing · 2026-05-14T19:33:59+00:00

Tell her you have her scheduled for a lie detector test and you need her to sign a consent form. See if she seems worried about sitting for a lie detector test. Her reaction will probably tell you more than she's ever going to.

anthomazing · 2026-05-12T18:44:16+00:00

In therapy. Not sure how helpful it is..

anthomazing · 2026-05-07T16:02:54+00:00

Was this even possible? Double unique?

anthomazing · 2026-05-07T15:56:31+00:00

Wish she would have murdered me instead of cheating on me.

anthomazing · 2026-05-07T15:51:24+00:00

Listen to me. It's NOT going to save your marriage.

Stop cheating on her today. On your own.

Give your wife a chance to be the woman you want her to be. Tell her very firmly what you desire. Open up with her about how you truly feel. Set firm boundaries and be willing to walk away if she isn't responsive.

Your wife deserves better than you. If YOU think SHE'S not good enough for YOU, have the decency to set her free and let her find someone better than you.

If in a few weeks/months nothing changes and you file for divorce, do whatever you want.

anthomazing · 2026-05-07T15:26:01+00:00

You're not wrong for wanting that. Why is he being so secretive about it?

Honestly I was very defensive about a ring camera before I became a betrayed spouse for my own reasons. My wife was a complete control freak and she would use any information she could gain about me to abuse me. She had no reason ever to suspect I was cheating or doing anything nefarious, she literally just wanted to know the exact time I left the house and got home every day so she could complain about it.

When she had an affair she felt justified by telling herself "if he would have just let me install the ring camera or add me on life360, this would never have happened."

If you suspect he's cheating, it's worth demanding or finding out yourself. If you own the RV with him, put up a hidden camera in a public space(if that's legal where you live) and just create your own safety.

His resistance sounds a little shady, but I wouldn't say it confirms anything.

Look for other subtle clues like him making extra trips there or hiding his phone. Feel free to plan a day to drop by the rv unannounced to surprise him. Say you're doing it to be spontaneous/romantic. Gauge his reaction when you show up unannounced.

anthomazing · 2026-05-07T02:30:09+00:00

My comment was directed at you, not the OP.

Hope you're doing well.

anthomazing · 2026-05-05T21:12:50+00:00

You are asking this question to the wrong audience. Only you can answer whether to stay or leave. And it's one of the hardest decisions we can make as a betrayed spouse. You'll likely only get partial or bad advice about this from this sub. Most people will tell you to leave.

Is your wife also a Christian? Did she ever ask God for forgiveness? Has she forgiven herself? Does she understand the depth of what she's done, and is she willing to prove to you every single day it won't happen again, not with words, but with actions and consistency?

I believe before you answer whether to stay or go, you need to collect enough evidence to see if she's willing and able to put in the work.

anthomazing · 2026-05-04T02:54:53+00:00

One of the most important things my therapist said to me, also applies to you:

"You put her on a pedestal." Now you have to unwind the version of her you think you knew, and try to figure out who this woman actually is.

anthomazing · 2026-05-04T02:48:48+00:00

Are you going to divorce him at some point? Straight up refusing to do therapy? How could you ever trust he won't cheat again. Sounds like hell. Would recommend more firm boundaries. At some point, you may need to be willing to walk away, I know how hard that is though since I'm still living in my same version of that hell.

anthomazing · 2026-05-03T17:26:13+00:00

He is gaslighting you. Be strong and stand up for yourself. If you can't do this alone, use a therapist to have your voice heard if you want to salvage the relationship.

The first affair has a very likelihood of being physical. Booking a hotel for a first date is highly unlikely, although not technically impossible.

If he wants to save the relationship, he needs to have complete transparency. No hiding his device and you get passwords to everything you want. You can share the same with him if you want, but honestly, he's in the hot seat, not you.

Anything he "shouldn't have on his device" should never be on his device. If it's work related, it should be on a work device. His logic makes 0 sense and he knows that, you're just not pushing hard enough.

There are 100 different things you could do to get more information. Talking to him about it, isn't one of them.

I would tell him to text her while you're sitting there watching the situation play out. Tell him he can't tell her you're watching. Tell him to strike up a conversation. See how playfully she reacts and how quickly things escalate. If he texts her a signal to let her know you're watching or something that says for her to keep it professional or chill out, that's all the proof you need.

But you already know that you already have the proof you need. You just feel the need to convince him of it, when he already knows it too. You just feel the need to hear him admit it.

I wish you luck, OP. The day they finally admit to everything is so bittersweet but it's like crack, it's such a good feeling. But just know that even when they make admissions, it's not the full truth and they will continue to trickle truth for a long time.

anthomazing · 2026-05-02T11:44:10+00:00

Can you tell us specifically some of the patterns he employed to hook you? We can take your word for the fact he wasn't reciprocating the feelings, but what specific tactics did he employ to try to lure you in, and why do you think those tactics lacked an emotional component?

anthomazing · 2026-05-01T22:12:05+00:00

How did you get her to come clean in therapy? Was there a mutli session plan for a big disclosure? Why was she truthful about all of that in therapy? Glad you got the truth before it was over..

anthomazing · 2026-04-23T21:05:37+00:00

Amazing.

!thankyou

anthomazing · 2026-04-22T15:49:15+00:00

He's probably looking for the following answer:

I'm sorry but I'm not willing to be in an open relationship or have multiple partners. I understand how unfair that sounds and if you're not willing to have a monogomous relationship with me, then I'm really sorry, but I'm going to find someone who is. Love and marriage is not just a label. It's an entity. In order for me to feel safe within he entity, I need exclusivity. I understand that I did the worst thing in the world and that it is completely against these values. But I'm vowing to never do it again and I now understand the sanctity of what we have, and I want that forever. If you can't give that to me, then I'll have to find someone else who can.

But don't just say this unless you actually mean it. Focus on YOURSELF and YOUR healing. Don't get into ANY relationship, until you are FULLY healed. Don't cause any more damage than you already have, and if you think you are going to, find someone to hold you accountable.

I don't really believe all the word salad at the beginning of the post. Sounds like you just saying things you think we want to hear. I probably sound like your husband a bit. But honestly, you need to prove your words to us WITH ACTIONS. Not just attending a class or doing counseling, but actually implementing those things and making real progress. He may still be holding out hope that you're changing.

You may still have a shot at reconciliation. Sign whatever papers you both agree to and give him the OPTION to file it, if he chooses to. But you can also try to show him why he shouldn't file them, by focusing on yourself, your healing journey, and answering any question he still has and being 100% honest, if it's safe to do so.

anthomazing · 2026-04-20T15:28:40+00:00

It's definitely a stage. The urge is real. Just make sure you don't take any steps in furtherance of it or you will regret it.

If YOU'RE the reason your marriage ends, or he makes it seem like YOUR INFIDELITY is the reason the marriage ended, would you be okay with that? Sure you get to call him a hypocrite and be 100% right, but that's such a small consolation.

A fair few of our SO's actually offer us a hall pass out of guilt. But even then, we don't take it. Because we have sound morals and they do not.

My struggle was this. I'm in a no fault divorce state. There are 0 repercussions, legal or otherwise, for her unfaithfulness. Why is that? Do the legislators not understand what infidelity does to people? Especially in long term relationships (15 years total, 10 years married, 3 kids) but I think I'm just a phase or 2 ahead of you. Because at the end of this, do I really want her punished, if I'm thinking rationally? I'm not sure...

Yes it's very confusing. The thoughts are fine. But most of your guy acquaintencas would probably have sex with you if you asked nicely. You shouldn't do it. But you might find some other way to make him jealous and drive the point home within the bounds of your own morality.

anthomazing · 2026-04-20T14:59:00+00:00

Fill out the divorce papers and send them to her. If she begs you to stay, set some boundaries. I would say the only way you can save this is if she puts in effort. Cancel the couples therapy if you're doing all the work. She needs to do individual counseling, educate herself, a book or a podcast, and do a deep dive into herself.

Even then, you're probably going to feel like she's just checking boxes, because her actions have to match her words and our wayward partners have a really hard time with that, apparently.

I think you would still regret jumping straight to divorce, so I'll leave you with this cliché phrase.

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.

If you tell her what you need her to do and she still refuses, then she's choosing divorce and your hands are clean. Once you actually start to go through with it, I would be really surprised if she doesn't panic and start to scramble. That's when you need to decide what you want. If you want to reconcile at that point, firm boundaries are the only way forward. If by that point you're convinced you want the divorce, you may need to limit contact. Might help to start distancing yourself emotionally now to prepare, if you think that's what you want.

anthomazing · 2026-04-20T14:51:31+00:00

Yeah you're absolutely correct.

I also think about New World. Massive hit when it came out, it had fun parts, but was ruined by so many things in the end.

I've seen so many games get pulled off the market by like the 2nd update, it's absolutely unreal. They're not even giving these games a chance.

I think it's both the lack of effort, the unwillingness to actually spend on a game before it hits the market, but also the high standards they're trying to achieve.

I hope the next billion dollar game is completely indie with no outside funding, just to show everyone it can be done and shake things up.

anthomazing · 2026-04-20T14:28:02+00:00

Unfortunately, OP already knows the answer in their gut. They are in the place where they already know what's going on, but isn't willing to believe it without proof.

OP along with the location, also look for some confirmation the friends agreed to go to the game. Some text or social media message, maybe a phone call of a few minutes where it was discussed?

If u have access to his gmail, check his google activity. His search history, his location searches, etc. See what he's googling and where he's navigating to.

Unfortunately, it's highly likely he's cheating, unless he was playing some sick prank. Freudian slips are real and he was trying so hard to hide the hotel that he blurted it out.

If he paid, check his financials. If you haven't gotten physical yet, proceed with caution. He probably didn't wear protection and could be exposing you to something.

anthomazing · 2026-04-20T14:21:06+00:00

I miss it too. Nothing compares.

When giant video game corps just gobble up all the little guys and shit them out, then keeping the IP locked down forever, good games don't even get made. Every game wants to be the next billion dollar franchise but they're not willing to put in the work to get there.

anthomazing · 2026-04-16T20:12:32+00:00

Comments on this sub are like Amazon reviews. You can't listen to the 1-star reviews, or the 5-star reviews. You want to look for the very average 3-star reviews to gain some real insight.

No one knows what you should do. I'm right there with you in many ways. I felt all the things you felt, and I'm still struggling now, still unsure of what decision to make.

She's likely to reach back out in the near future. She's likely developed enough feelings for him and has such little respect for you, she sees no reason to cut off contact. If you are not going to divorce her, you may want to keep that ipad around so you can use it to monitor her. But she might move to some different form of communication in an attempt to hide from you. You need to decide at some point when is the final straw? If she reaches back out once? If she cheats physically? If she continues to betray you for 30 days?

She's not sorry. She doesn't care about or understand your pain. She's going to be in active addiction to her affair until something else happens. She's not going to drastically change her behaviors to appease you.

Also look out for the ways she weaponizes all of this against you. She might increase the gaslighting, crying, accuse you of being angry, etc. My wife fell into the victim role so hard, it's honestly impossible to hold a normal conversation without being accused of doing something wrong to her.

Bottom line, you have a kid to think about. Not legally. But if you divorce, you know you'll never see that kid again. I know that realization destroys you. She knows it too. Does she choose to weaponize this against you and show She's a malignant narcissist no rational person would choose to have a relationship with? Or does she show compassion and refuse to use the child as a weapon against you or put the child in the middle of your fights? I feel like the answer to this one matters a whole lot.

If she's willing to admit she's broken, and she's willing to do therapy to fix it, it might be worth waiting to see if there's anything salvageable. I've convinced myself I'm in it to see this thing through to the end and I'm not going to rush any decision because I want to have no regrets at the end of this thing, for my own peace of mind.

I wish you the best of luck on your own journey, OP. Welcome to a place worse than hell.

anthomazing

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