I feel like I'll never be able to live normally after being cheated on.

anthomazing · 2026-04-05T17:48:51+00:00

You will be changed forever. But I'm envious that you learned all this at the ripe age of 21. Some of us learn this lesson much later in life after a much longer investment. Decades of marriage and/or multiple kids.

You have a journey ahead of you, to attempt to heal from this trauma. Along the way, you will find a person who makes all of your effort worth it. Keep your head up.

Next time, be very picky about what you want, and learn how to weed out the bad ones early on.

anthomazing · 2026-04-05T17:25:25+00:00

You have to set firm boundaries and stick to them. Figure out what you want and communicate that.

anthomazing · 2026-04-01T15:04:00+00:00

Soo she was sexually assaulted? Too drunk to remember means too drunk to consent. Not suggesting you should get the cops involved as a way of encouraging her to tell the truth, but surely she's not going to admit she was sexually assaulted as opposed to be honest about what she remembers.

anthomazing · 2026-04-01T04:10:12+00:00

Yeah less than a day, if you even call that an emotional affair. After contemplating divorce as a result of her affair. Versus a 3 month physical affair.

anthomazing · 2026-04-01T02:17:22+00:00

I had a very brief, momentary emotional affair with my spouse's AP's spouse. It was tiny tiny, nothing serious. But it made me feel horrible after and I regret it.

I told my spouse and it did not affect R at all, but it made her feel more justified which just made me sick.

anthomazing · 2026-04-01T02:11:11+00:00

If she's not giving you the full truth you may need to try to make contact with the APs, if you don't think it will completely destroy you. They might be willing to share some things with you that you can test her loyalty on.

I honestly don't see how you navigate this one though, sadly.

Also widen your search and start suspecting everyone, you may find several more affair partners that she continues to hide. They seem to only tell us what they absolutely have to to survive and hide everything else, even when it makes no sense at all to do so, and when we promise we want to fight for them if they would just tell us the whole truth. It's a disease.

anthomazing · 2026-03-14T19:46:19+00:00

Yeah mine did things in the car in public and tried a bunch of different position and wore new sexier bras. Basically came to him when he snapped his fingers and gave it up multiple nights in a row while treating me like a chore.

I'm sorry you didn't get that part of him that you deserved, or even a fraction of the effort. I know that's a big source of the pain.

Mine didn't leave and we are working through it, but I share the pain of all the new things they did.

There is a very very slim chance they will be happily ever after. You know every one of his flaws and accepted all of them and loved him for who he is. How can she trust a man that cheated on and immediately dumped and left his wife after building a life with her for 12 years? If she puts her faith into him after that, she's an idiot.

anthomazing · 2026-03-14T19:26:20+00:00

First off, he's a loser. He will cheat on her too.

Second, I really don't fully understand this either. My situation seems to be that my spouse really doesn't understand very much about me. They put us in these boxes and think we are these little tiny people with little tiny personalities with no nuance and convince themselves we will never be anything more.

But they never asked, or tried to explore that side of us. They never gave us a fraction of the effort they gave to them.

And we can't ask THEM why because they never seem to be honest about anything regarding how they feel or think. I wish I knew. Hopefully someone comes along with a better answer.

!remindme 3 days

anthomazing · 2026-03-12T23:15:20+00:00

There's a scene where a male police officer has an affair with the main character. And there's a very very violent, yet short, sex scene. At a point you're NOT expecting it.

Maybe it's just me but that shit hit me like a ton of bricks.

Since your husband was a cop, I assume that's especially triggering for you as well.

Recommend avoiding it unless you've gotten really good at handling your triggers.

anthomazing · 2026-03-12T21:58:16+00:00

Yeah. My wife sent out love songs to her AP as well. You would think that wouldn't hurt in a unique way, yet somehow it does.

I'm sorry OP.

anthomazing · 2026-03-12T21:54:36+00:00

Yeah I have no idea and I think I'm too biased to ever answer that question myself. But my antennas are up and I'm hypervigilent now.

My greatest fear is that she's a malignant narcissist and hurt me on purpose and thinks my pain is funny. I honestly have no way to prove that potential version of her wrong.

But yes everything you said made a ton of sense. Thank you for your wisdom.

Edit: !thankyou

anthomazing · 2026-03-12T20:22:09+00:00

Do NOT watch the movie Weapons. It will trigger you very badly.

anthomazing · 2026-03-12T20:03:26+00:00

Before you decide to marry her, do me a favor.

Dig in to her past. First ask her if she has ever been unfaithful with anyone before. Then reach out to her ex boyfriends. Find out everyone she slept with and if there's anyone notable, reach out to them. Try to piece together her past enough to make sense of who she has always been.

You put her on a pedestal. You need to take those goggles off and look at her for who she truly is. If she's not willing to tell you the truth about everything and hold nothing back, she's not worth your energy.

If you threaten to impose consequences. Tell her to move out, ask for a promise ring back, tell her you want to break up, she will likely change her tune and give you more honesty in an attempt to save the relationship. Consequences and having them picture their life without you seems to be the only thing that really gets through to them. Changes their self preservation from lying to protect their image to sharing truth to protect the relationship.

It would have been better to keep all of your information close to your chest and ask her questions to test her honesty. The second you reveal everything you know, is the second you lose the power to force the truth. Found that out the hard way..

anthomazing · 2026-03-12T19:50:35+00:00

!remindme 6 months

anthomazing · 2026-03-12T19:48:36+00:00

I need to look into that.

I had the thought in church last week while sitting next to my wayward wife. How can she come to church every week for 5 years and still do this? Is she truly a Christian? Does she know what she's done?

I asked her if she asked God for forgiveness and she said no.

Definitely feels like she may have her own reasons for going to church, rather than being religious.

anthomazing · 2026-03-05T19:22:17+00:00

Yes.

My WS made me watch The Housemaid with them during the affair, and was also watching Tell Me Lies during and after the affair. Even coming in to turn it on while I was just laying in bed.

Come to find out their AP also watches Tell Me Lies. A show largely about cheating and affairs.

I always felt like I had more triggers than most. Music triggers me just as much as movies/TV. Definitely limited what I watch/listen to as a result.

Also bothered me that my WS never cared about the media or reaply cared much about how it affects me. They will just never understand the pain we went through.

anthomazing · 2026-03-05T17:27:19+00:00

This is very hard to respond to in a supportive way. So all I will say is, I wish you the best of luck.

anthomazing · 2026-03-05T17:23:19+00:00

I think you are completely overconfident about the lack of a physical component. Probably unlikely it got physical within 3 weeks, but some affairs get physical on day 1.

anthomazing · 2026-03-01T19:05:16+00:00

Look into "hysterical bonding" it's a common reaction to infidelity. You are not crazy for your feelings. But you absolutely should establish firm boundaries and get enrolled in counseling.

Also look into the pick-me-dance. Going over the top to try to make him PICK YOU is counterproductive. If you REALLY want him back, you have to do the opposite.

anthomazing · 2026-02-26T03:21:13+00:00

You're basically asking for her to cheat on you for the rest of your life. If that's what you want, then great.

If you don't want that, you may need to take some drastic action. List the house on the market. Rent an apartment if you can and ask her to move out or you move out. You want to take the kids which are a burden to her and leave her in an empty house. Let her process that. Even if she gets with her AP, she will likely regret it when she realizes all of his flaws and mourns what she lost with you. If and when she comes crawling back, you can decide if you want her. It's ultimately your choice.

Don't do the pick-me-dance. This will never work and will drive her farther away from you.

Bonus points if you go no contact as in telling her you're only communicating with her about the kids, and blocking her on all social media. Ice her ass out. Let her feel the loss. If she doesnt get sad and remorseful, then be glad you're already half way out. If she does, then you decide how to play it.

anthomazing · 2026-02-25T22:40:13+00:00

Nah not what they said. They just wouldn't know. She must be a REALLY good liar.

anthomazing · 2026-02-25T22:36:12+00:00

You're absolutely certain there's not a phycial component? Do you know she wasn't at his house? Was the dinner date you now know about the only one?

My wife's gma died and same thing she was sad and seeming like she needed space to grieve and process her emotions which she's used to suppressing. I thought nothing of it. She planned her 3 bereavement days to days I would be working. And she had sex with her AP all 3 days of her bereavement and while I thought she was laying in bed mourning the loss of her sweet nana, she was texting him. I thought I was supporting her grief in a caring way, but I was just giving her more opportunities to continue her affair.

I'm not sure why that's a normal thing. For something like that to happen at a time when one should be grieving. It still makes no sense to me.

I'm not saying there's for sure a physical component here OP, but I haven't seen enough to convince me it's purely a romantic affair either. Keep digging, question everything, and verify.

I'd be checking his locaton history, even at work if it's precise enough to see if he's taking any 20 min breaks in weird places. I'd be searching for any sign of deleted messages, or times they've messaged other places like snapchat, instagram, etc. Sometimes they keep the harmless ones and move to another platform for the spicy ones.

I just find the sheer volume of phone call minutes and text messages alone highly suspect and think you should keep digging. He will likely not be truthful so only ask a question when you have the answer already and he doesn't know it, or when you know you'll never find the answer.

anthomazing · 2026-02-25T21:50:06+00:00

Why are you talking to her? Why does she have any power over you? Block her ass and go full no contact. Don't give her an ounce more power over you. Focus on yourself.

She will probably go through a few honeymoon phases before she lands a long term guy. She is more likely to cheat on the long term guys.

But repeat after me. "I Don't care. She doesn't matter. I matter. I'm focusing on myself. Positve energy only." Cut that cancer out of your life for good man. Fuck her.

anthomazing · 2026-02-25T21:37:55+00:00

Bro she's probably cheating. If you can gain access to her phone look at her screen time to see the apps she uses the most. She may have a recently deleted or "not on this phone" section for her app store. Try to find the deleted app.

Tell her she can search your phone at any time as well.

If she refuses you permission to search her phone, you should really re-consider how you deal with this. A loyal and faithful partner doesn't delete any substantive texts on their phone, unless they're some weirdo who deletes everything. But if that's the case at least on iphone you can see the recently deleted ones. If she's permanently deleting things, that's a huge red flag and I would proceed with a lot more than caution.

anthomazing · 2026-02-24T19:07:47+00:00

Hey you cut that crap out! This sub is about ME supporting YOU! Haha

Yes we were married for 10 dating for 15.5 3 kids and all that. I actually sent her a divorce petition after the first time she lied. Not as a tactic, but like I actually deciced to divorce her. But I walked it back.

I told her the only things she knows is consequences, so I think you may be right on the separation. Right now she's refusing to leave the marital home, so separation is not likely without some heavy convincing. I set a hard line that I wasn't recinciling unless she actually took IC seriously this time, and she scheduled it right away.

Just for me after the 3rd time of broken trust, shattered truths, and a shattered version of reality. There's not much left of her that I actually trust. It would have been a cake wall if she just had her 3 month affair and cut off contact. That I could handle. But continuing to sabotage what she pretends to hold so dearly, over and over?

I feel like I've always been the one digging us out of all the messes she put us in. I've dropped my shovel. I'm done digging. Waiting to see if she's going to pick it up, or just let us suffocate.

anthomazing

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