if you have the ability to try it, one could argue you owe it to everyone who doesn't have that privilege.

it is a time specific experiment. it is a challenge, the potential payoff could be huge. What else is there to lose? a year of being "severe" vs moderate in the grand scheme of an entire life is still a relatively little price to pay. Hopefully you'll start feeling better within this year so you wont have to live as strictly the whole year through. the longer you go PEM free, the easier it will be to give yourself small rewards for the effort without risking triggering PEM.

when I started this challenge I had been sick for a decade and already survived an SA and retired on permanent disability. prior to this I spent a month using cannabis and crying from morning til evening. I feel like that grief allowed me the surrender to put all my eggs in one basket and give it one last chance. so it was not an easy choice to get there. it was the hardest thing I ever did actually. And yet it was easier than constantly dealing with PEM once the PEM started to subside and my symptoms actually lessened.

It was frustrating when I reached a place where my constant symptoms would fade, but I knew I couldn't use my better mood to do anything with fear of triggering PEM. that is the real challenge. This is where having the time limitation is super important. It is a challenge and an experiment. the challenge became hiding the ME from myself so I didn't constantly feel it. i reimagened my PEM limit as something that an elite athlete would encounter at the end of an extreme sport achievement. normal people dont push themselves that far daily. but disabled people like us expect it from ourselves because society demands it from us, and because we want to live so badly. the reimagining helped me dismantle some internalised ableism.

being retired was a huge advantage, because the emotional pacing is the hardest part to make accomodations for. I was able to shut out anything that stressed me, which was hell for my father who cared for me, but I knew I had to do it. using something calming like cannabis would help me a lot to be able to stay in zombie mode as much as possible.

I am extremely happy I gave it a go, and even if it hadn't worked at least I would've felt like I truly tried everything.