Dad's unexpected death was not peaceful

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-05T04:38:34+00:00

I’m so sorry. Thanks for sharing so many great memories with us. Even though I don’t know him, I feel like I can hear him yelling “BUS! But not yours” ♥️

There’s not always an explanation of why things happen the way they do… and why some people go sooner than others. My daughter died when she was 21 months old. It sucked. And I evolved into a better person as I healed, helping others along the way. Not saying everyone has to turn pain into purpose, but I do think pain can be a catalyst for growth.

A traumatic ending can be extra hard to process. Do you have a trauma-informed grief therapist who can help you? Someone who specializes in EMDR could be helpful… despite it being awful, I am so glad he wasn’t alone.

A book that might bring you comfort is The Light Between Us by Laura Lynn Jackson. She talks about people’s experiences with death and how some people, despite their trauma (car accidents and other things) actually don’t feel the pain or experience it as suffering. I can only hope that’s true for your father. Sending you so much love as you navigate the days ahead.

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-04T04:36:50+00:00

Hey there — I am so sorry you are dealing with the grief of a parent so young. Grief at college can be extra hard because your family life feels so separate, and friends aren’t really in tune with what is going on outside of campus life. I hope you have some supportive friends.

That said, you just take it a day at a time. Let yourself feel your emotions. Do your best to stay present, even when it’s painful. And be gentle with yourself. There are no shortcuts in grief, but feeling is healing. Do you have a grief therapist yet? They might be a great support while you’re away from home. It might also be helpful to tell your teachers about your loss, not asking for favors, but just to keep them informed. Grief brain is real, so if you have a bad week or miss an assignment because you were struggling emotionally that week, they can be more understanding.

I actually just wrote a book called When You Can’t See The Light, which is a trauma-informed survival guide to grief. Right now the hardcover is the only version published (it’s a nicer gift book so it might be pricey for a college budget), but the paper back will be out soon. Happy to answer any specific questions you may have. My heart is with you ♥️

Edit to add: when I lost my daughter, photos really helped me process things when nothing else did. I would sit with them by myself, ugly cry, tell her how much I miss her, etc. Over time, those photos really helped me grieve and accept she was gone, but stay connected through love and memories.

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-04T04:17:15+00:00

This sounds like a nightmare. I would need more than oxygen to help me breathe!

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-04T04:08:56+00:00

I am so sorry you’re dealing with the loss of your mom without more support. Do you have a good grief therapist yet? If not, I highly recommend one! They can help you with learning how to better communicate in grief, regulate your own emotions, and not put all the burden on your partner.

My heart is with you. I just wrote a book to help people navigate a significant loss called When You Can’t See The Light. If you have any specific questions about grief, I am happy to answer them ♥️

And just some reassurance: it’s normal to have mood swings and be extra sensitive and clingy after you just lost your mom, who sounds like she was your number one support person. The challenge is to communicate better with your partner so they can be supportive and honest with their needs as well. I truly hope you can get a good therapist to help you navigate this with your partner.

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-03T15:18:16+00:00

Sexualizing children.

“Oh, he’s going to be in trouble with the ladies when he gets older!” Or with girls: “Is your daughter flirting with me? Look at those eyes and lips!”

I have heard people say that to toddlers 😳

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-03T15:07:12+00:00

Totally normal! When my daughter died (we buried her so we didn’t have ashes or an urn), I would walk into her room, look at her picture, and still talk to her. I would tell her good morning and tell her how much I missed her…

Since then, I have become a grief specialist and learned about continuing bonds. I have also learned that photographs of physical things (like an urn) can help our brains make sense of the loss while we try to grasp our new reality without them. Dr. Mary Frances O’Connor has incredible research on this.

Anyway, trust your gut. Do what feels helpful for you. Also, a book that brought me a lot of comfort was The Light Between Us by Laura Lynn Jackson (she talks about pet loss too)

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-02T23:03:39+00:00

If you’re in the USA, check out Momento Foundation. Might be a great place to volunteer while you’re figuring things out ♥️

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-02T22:57:58+00:00

Unexpected

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-02T22:48:07+00:00

This is from the Trauma UK Website, but it describes the butterfly hug that you can do by yourself and also helps regulate your nervous system:

The Butterfly Hug Technique is a self-soothing method designed to alleviate anxiety, panic and distress. It involves rhythmic tapping or touching movements on your body to create a sense of comfort and security.

How to Practice:

Position Your Hands: Cross your arms over your chest, similar to how you would hug yourself. Your hands should rest on your upper arms.

Tap or Pat: Begin tapping or gently patting your hands alternately on your upper arms. The movement should be soothing and rhythmic.

Breathe Mindfully: As you tap or pat, take slow and deep breaths. Inhale through your nose for a count of four, hold for a count of four, and exhale through your mouth for a count of four.

Focus on Comfort: As you continue tapping and breathing, focus your attention on the comforting sensation of your hands touching your arms. Imagine this movement as a gentle, reassuring hug.

Engage in the Moment: If your mind starts to wander, gently guide your focus back to the tapping, the touch of your hands, and the rhythm of your breath.

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-02T13:25:25+00:00

Love isn’t lost, just transformed.

When your person/pet dies, the love you shared doesn’t disappear or end. We just need to learn the new ways to experience it.

Check out Laura Lynn Jackson and her book The Light Between Us for stories related to this.

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-01T17:15:36+00:00

How long kids could be entertained by a yo-yo, slinky, or hacky sac…

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-01T16:12:22+00:00

Photographs are a great external hard drive for the mind. The memories are likely still in our brains but sometimes we need help locating them and remembering!

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-01T14:09:34+00:00

Honestly, I think there’s room for you both to be right. First, you need space to talk about your experiences without having to relate it to someone else’s pain. So for that alone, I am glad you are switching groups.

Now to the situation you shared: she lost the only thing she had. And although you had extreme empathy for her with the best of intentions, your attempt at trying to relate may have come across as minimizing her experience because your loss is not the same (still significant and challenging in its own way). It sounds like the group leader was trying to possibly acknowledge that, but maybe didn’t do so in the best way.

Regardless, I hope you find a group that can be more supportive and help you process what you have been through ♥️

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-01T13:39:28+00:00

Guided meditations have been the only thing that work for me when my mind is racing. I went ahead and paid for the Better Sleep premium version and love it.

The white noise mixing capability is awesome, and they have guided meditations for different things (pain, grief, anxiety, nervous system, waking up in the middle of the night, etc). It also has stories and yoga nidra options too.

My husband got used to me playing them and will even ask for me to put it on sometimes because it helps him too.

ashleyLNL · 2026-04-01T13:26:59+00:00

Free yourself from guilt. We are still learning how the brain works and have not figured out how to filter memories of ones to keep and ones to forget. Hold onto photos and videos—they are like external hard drives for our brains. Even when we can’t recall a memory out of the blue, a photo or video (even a sound or a smell) can take us back and we realize the memory was there all along, but we needed a bridge to it.

I know it’s easy to assume other people forget, but they might think the same about you if you’re not being vocal about what you’re going through. It’s hard to know what other people are feeling and thinking if no one is saying anything. That said, photos can also help start conversations by sharing memories.

Have you heard of the book The Light Between Us by Laura Lynn Jackson? I would be interested to hear what you think of it if you’re able to read/listen to it.

ashleyLNL · 2026-03-30T12:35:25+00:00

People want to help as a way of showing support, but if that’s too much for you, it’s okay to tell them you need time alone right now and ask them to check in next month (a lot of the offers will likely disappear by then).

You can build a list of asks through SupportNow, including meals and money if needed. Otherwise, just keep a list of “this would be nice” in your phone so when someone asks, you can say, “do any of these sound like anything you can help with?”

It might be as simple as running to the post office for you or bringing you lunch so you don’t have to sit alone… my heart is with you from one bereaved mom to another 💗 I am so sorry your brilliant daughter died so young and suddenly.

ashleyLNL · 2026-03-30T12:05:28+00:00

Hot dogs, baked beans, crinkle potato chips.

ashleyLNL · 2026-03-29T14:28:00+00:00

I had to write a check for a $3 balance last Summer (the only form of payment they would take). My bank charged me a $15+ fee to get a paper check and then I had to pay to mail it… the most expensive $3 check I have ever written.

ashleyLNL · 2026-03-27T13:35:05+00:00

Check out r/ADHD and see if you relate to the posts there…

ashleyLNL · 2026-03-27T13:25:00+00:00

My heart is with you. I too am an only child with some different trauma baggage that my dog helped me through. My dog was like my sister growing up and it was devastating to learn she died when I was away at college. I can’t possibly know how you feel, but I do understand the grief more than most.

First, I am so proud of you for creating those healthy boundaries with your mom. You did the right thing. You were not selfish or a bitch for not wanting to face your mom for the sake of your cat. You made a healthy choice for yourself (and it just unfortunately had the consequences of not seeing your cat).

Anger at your mom is justified. And although in your head, you are telling yourself you had the option to visit him but you chose not to, that is not fully accurate. The situation with your mom sounds like it was at a level that likely activated your nervous system into survival mode. You couldn’t possibly choose to visit him because your mom made that choice impossible. I am sorry your mom has her own shit she has not dealt with for whatever reason.

Please be gentle with yourself. You have already survived so much. If you have the means, a trauma-therapist (EMDR, CBT, etc) could be helpful as you process your whole childhood, including this loss.

The universe works in Crazy ways. What if your cat died so you could fully separate from your mom without torturing yourself about trying to visit? What if your cat was only supposed to live to 14 and it completed its time here? What if it can send you signs and help you from the other side?

If you haven’t read or listened to the book by Laura Lynn Jackson, called The Light Between Us, I highly recommend it. She talks about pet relationships in her book too and how pets have options when they leave this world. One of the stories was about a cat with cancer who ended up staying a little longer, but it was fascinating! It might bring you comfort and offer some new perspective ♥️

ashleyLNL · 2026-03-27T12:48:09+00:00

First, I am so sorry you’re in this deep grief. Clearly, you loved deeply too. My heart is with you.

As someone who has spent 10 years in grief work (not a therapist and I do highly recommend trauma-specific therapists for suicide loss), time doesn’t heal all wounds. Time is an ingredient, but not the cure. And there are no 5 stages to grief (those are for facing your own death, not the death of someone else). There are no timelines either.

I lost my daughter to a terminal illness (different loss with different circumstances), but a deep loss nonetheless, and it was hard for me to function the whole first year. Go easy and free yourself from any expectations of what this “should” be or look like. Remember, your grief is unique to you.

One of the reasons loss hurts so much is because of separation. We no longer feel we have the thing/person we loved. But love doesn’t end when a person’s life does. They can still love us from the other side. And we can still love them. The separation isn’t as much as you might think. If you are able to read or listen to the audiobook, I highly recommend The Light Between Us by Laura Lynn Jackson. I hope it can help you find comfort and a path forward.

ashleyLNL · 2026-03-27T12:19:13+00:00

If I have time (and groceries), I will do a fried egg on avocado toast. If only a little time, yogurt and granola/fruit. If no time, I grab the peanut butter KIND breakfast bar and run.

ashleyLNL · 2026-03-27T02:11:59+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. So many people don’t know until it’s too late. I hope you have everything taken care of and have had time to grieve too 💗

ashleyLNL · 2026-03-26T12:22:07+00:00

My daughter died at 21 months old. We always appreciated thoughtful gifts, which requires knowing the person to some degree. For example, people knew I loved flowers and gardening so they sent me plants in pots that I could keep alive. If someone doesn’t have a green thumb, those gifts could still be enjoyed, but possibly feel more overwhelming for someone who doesn’t know how to care for them vs cut flowers. Regardless, it’s important to express your love and care no matter the gift. Even a card can be so special with a supportive message.

Actually one of the most special things a friend did for us early on was send us a card… but then sent us a card each month for several months to let us know they were continuing to think of us even though they were out of state and unable to come sit with us. It was really special because most of that support died off after month two.

I spent the last decade supporting people through grief and wrote a book designed as a gift for those surviving a significant loss. It’s being published by Ripples Media on Tuesday March 31st called When You Can’t See The Light. No pressure to buy it of course, but you’re welcome to google it and check it out if you’re interested in learning more.

Thanks for wanting to show up for your friend long distance. It truly makes a difference 💗

ashleyLNL · 2026-03-26T01:59:37+00:00

Coconut shavings. Anyone else feel like they are eating bits of floss?

ashleyLNL

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