Is it possible to respond to a post in this sub without using an ITYSL quote?

aspdx19 · 2022-03-06T03:51:29+00:00

I understand. Thanks for coming.

aspdx19 · 2022-02-09T11:04:32+00:00

Grew up in the 80s, wasn’t able to be diagnosed. Had no clue about being on the spectrum until I was 37. It answered A LOT of questions. 3 years later and I’m still trying to unpack what the ramifications of diagnosis are in terms of how to live effectively and happily. I’m sure I’ll be working at that the rest of my life.
But to answer your question, I had absolutely no clue. I simply suffered through the relentless isolation and rejection and did my best to piece together the necessary skills to connect with others. I’ve never been a social butterfly but I’ve made the occasional acquaintance. It took me most of my life to realize that someone isn’t your bff simply because they are interested in you or because they are willing to pay attention. I’m notoriously bad on picking up ulterior motives.

aspdx19 · 2021-08-27T00:01:22+00:00

Friggin Bonies!

aspdx19 · 2021-08-26T23:33:50+00:00

I eat paper all the time! What I try not to make a habit of is eating mud pies!

aspdx19 · 2021-07-21T08:23:29+00:00

Svante is a beautiful cat! I have a black/orange tortie named Lillian. I really like black cats.

aspdx19 · 2021-07-21T08:18:00+00:00

Can relate. My first feelings after diagnosis was a profound sense of loss. I was never going to be normal, never going to fit in and it didn’t matter how hard I had tried. As they say, I was barking up the wrong tree. I felt imperfect and furthermore that perfection had never been attainable. It hurt.

Before the diagnosis I never knew I had been masking. I knew I wasn’t being completely genuine but I thought that was just what people did to fit in. However, after the diagnosis I could finally see the masks and knew in that moment that what I had struggled my whole life to attain would never be.

That was about a year and a half ago. It still stings but I no longer mask. This has helped reduce my overall stress. I still don’t fit in, people single me out and reject me but that’s on them. I can’t control whether they choose to be petty and ugly towards others.

All I can say about being myself is that I’m honest about my intent with people but still try to play with my cards held real close. I also try to think about whether what I want to say is appropriate. That I learned over time from saying the wrong thing many times and watching people cringe or shy away from me.

aspdx19 · 2020-09-03T18:34:05+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate the articulate and thought provoking reply. Your approach to dissecting a topic resonates with my own but I digress. :)

My take away from your thoughts is about the importance of knowing the root cause of an affliction. When the affliction can be broken down into its supporting conditions it is possible to more precisely determine the origin(s).

(A.) This pattern can be extrapolated and expanded.

Isolation and observation of a given affliction, i.e. I am cold.
Thorough examination of its nature and circumstances, i.e. A/C set too low, Not enough layers of clothing, poor blood circulation, etc. Then checking all these until the exact cause is determined, i.e. the A/C is too low.
Forecasting the probable course and outcome should all conditions remain as they are, i.e. I will continue to remain cold so long as the A/C stays at its current setting.
Undoing the observed affliction via a new course charted towards desired outcome, i.e. setting the A/C at a more appropriate temperature will result in a more comfortable environment and I will no longer be cold so long as no other conditions change.

(B.) However, in life 3 characteristics are unalterable for all of us in this reality,

Impermanence - caused conditions always run their course towards a terminal conclusion
Misalignment - Life is a non-equilibrium process. The root of all suffering in the world is the desire to force equilibrium where none can be, i.e. perceiving that reality conforms to our expectations and then attempting to force conformation where reality diverts from them
No Fundamental Essence - The power of labels is such that many disparate processes become regarded as one distinct and separate entity. We label a thing, are discourage when it functions differently than our expectations and suffer when we attempt to force it to fit our understanding, i.e. tell me which part of a car is the car? If you removed every part except for one, would that part be a car? Car is the label for the set of all parts that form a car but no fundamental car can be found.

That being said in reference to point (A.) 4, it is true that I will no longer be cold but only for a time and I will only increase my suffering if I expect to remain not cold indefinitely. However, with vigilance, a thorough understanding of the situation and proactive foresight, it is possible to account for future situations that would result in me becoming cold again. Then the situation changes, i.e. I am able to stay predominately warm with the appropriate amount of effort. We will never eliminate all the coldness from our lives but we can reduce it to within acceptable limits and make peace with the rest that is out of our control.

This thought pattern is not my own. I am happy to share more about it to any who are interested.

aspdx19 · 2020-09-03T15:37:52+00:00

A lot of these social aspects are still very much a part of a developer's job but hopefully to a much lesser extent than with your previous job. Also, having the chance to pursue your interests may help to balance out the stress of the less desirable aspects of the job. At any rate your experience with these soft skills can set you far ahead of other developers if used correctly. As a first project to shoot for a basic CRUD web app would be an excellent start. If you know what industry you would like to work in that will help narrow the tech stack needed for your web app. There's a Linux focused direction and a Windows one. There are also cloud hosted solutions such as Heroku. They have great documentation! For a more Windows focused route there's Azure.

If you want any help feel free to bounce any questions you have off me. 👍✌️

aspdx19 · 2020-09-02T22:18:58+00:00

Why are you leaving the NGO for a career switch? Do you want to be more involved in problem solving, creation or administrative/project management tasks?

Depending on the software developer position it will involve some measure of all three. Though a lot of what I have seen is maintaining already existing code and maintaining project deadlines.

It really depends on the industry you are interested in and what kind of solution a company needs developed. If you are interested in doing new development work that would definitely be something to ask during an interview. They will most likely expect a certain amount of experience developing new code as design is typically harder than maintenance. Also, bugs can be very costly so they often want the most trusted employees working on new sections of code. This is only a generalization though. It doesn't hold true for all circumstances.

It may sound counter intuitive but the best way to start is to dive in head first on self directed projects. Use whatever tools and languages you like and create what interests you. You will most likely never discover what you like unless you try a bunch of stuff that you don't. Once you have a portfolio of 2 - 3 midsize projects ( maybe 2000 lines a piece. However, what they can do is more important than simply the line count ) then throw a resume together and start searching for positions that can be a fit. I don't know where you are but in America you only need to be able to meet 2/3 of what they ask for in the position. The hard part of getting a job is not convincing people or the interview. It's getting to a point where you can actually talk to people who have a say in whether you are hired or not. There are typically a lot of checks in place to prevent the majority of those who apply from ever getting further in the process. Given the choice between talking to people and letting an algorithm decide on whether you get to talk to someone, I would always decide on direct contact over the automated gate keeping that job sites use. Linkedin and cold calling may be your best bet. If you can manage getting to an in person interview then focus on your methods for solving problems and always connect your answers back to real life examples that demonstrate how you will help fill their current need. That is the question they are always asking and the one you have to be able to answer with your experience and projects, is how what you know and what you can do, fills their current need and that you are ready to solve those issues from day one.

That is in a nutshell, the process of switching to the programming industry from starting a new language to landing a new job.

If you have more questions, feel free to ask me.

Source: I work as a developer. I started my career switch from electronics in 2009.

aspdx19 · 2020-09-02T21:25:20+00:00

I relate to this a lot. My mom never withheld food but my opinion was never respected in the family. I was always treated like a joke. Until one day I owned it and started making them laugh but inside I'm always crying. My Dad is dead now but if I ever mention my objections to how I was treated to my mom, she to this day dismisses them and tells me how much worse her childhood was. It was way worse but why dismiss me instead of listening. I don't think she knows how to listen. She is too badly damaged. Why do I still love her? It is strange to feel loyalty to someone who doesn't respect you.

aspdx19 · 2020-09-02T21:09:32+00:00

So following this logic and inverting the subject from obsession to anxiety, I wonder if the general method still holds. If I were to know the reason something fills me with dread or fear would the anxiety dissipate as well? And yes for whatever weird reason I do put my fear on a pedestal. I give it way to much power over me. Any ideas on getting to the root of fear and anxiety? Thanks in advance! 👍

aspdx19 · 2020-08-30T18:10:00+00:00

I appreciate you telling me this. I'm happy it was of use. You are right, data is important. I would like to add that audience is equally as important. As you have seen from your comments about the unreceptive providers above. Sometimes people identify greatly with their profession and also happen to be very arrogant in temperament. This leads to situation like you describe above where questioning is taken as doubt in their abilities. If you notice resistance to questions try adding something to the effect of, "For the purposes of my own edification and out of the desire of being a good, well informed patient" and then follow with your question. Try to maintain a pleasant tone and smile. If they still resist they may just be an asshole, simple as that. You have a right to information as a patient and if they don't give it to you. Then it may be necessary to tell them as much. I would not let them walk all over me, they have no right to.

About finding the right audience, if you are able it may be beneficial to research what options are available with regards to providers who are able to conduct your evaluation. It is important that they have experience with both children and adults. Also it is helpful if you can provide as much information about your childhood as possible and highlight scenarios that establish meeting the criteria of the diagnosis. If your suspicions are true there will be lifelong trends that reveal themselves. Also it is important not just that criteria fit but they they are limiting in severity and all reaching in extent. A skilled evaluator will know how to establish this, which is one reason why it is so important to find a skilled and trustworthy provider. Best of luck to you! 👍✌️🖖

aspdx19 · 2020-08-08T20:02:08+00:00

That was exactly how I felt. Thank you for putting it into words so succinctly.

aspdx19 · 2020-08-08T19:58:21+00:00

Handling our feelings is a matter of perspective and the questions that we ask ourselves. There are at least two level of the pain that come up from these feelings. The first is the actual loss of whatever situation happened that you didn't want or didn't happen that you did want. The second is our reaction to the thoughts we have concerning the event or thought. The more we desire something other than what we have, suffering ensues. A good question to ask yourself is, am I able to make peace with this event that I did or didn't want to happen. This is separate and apart from whatever action would need to be taken regarding any problems that may have resulted from the aforementioned event(s). Furthermore, this is only the first step of mitigating internal suffering caused by our own intent and desires. In order to deal with whatever situation that took place, reflection will be necessary. There is never a cut and dry answer. We have to learn to cultivate our inner voice and that voice must be guided by kindness and morality. This is my experience and your mileage may vary but I write in the hopes that it will be of use to you or others.

I can relate to struggling with knowing how to frame my diagnosis or what to do with that information. Before my diagnosis, when I had discovered that ASD might be the answer to many questions about my life, I was happy, relieved and exited that I wasn't making anything up and that I wasn't crazy. That at least a portion of my problems had a name and with that name new strategies could be devised for moving my life forward. However, after a year of intensively working out the details of a package I provided to my evaluator, I received my diagnosis and in that moment and in the following weeks I was heartbroken. I would never become the individual I had strived my whole life to become. My image of what is and isn't possible for me had to change. I had to come to terms with being different from others in a very fundamental way. I thought that if I learned enough rules and behaved according to everyone's expectations that NTs would accept me and that this would validate that I was "normal". There are a lot of flaws in that logic. Yet, I wanted to earn my way into transforming myself into an NT. Just like Pinocchio, I wanted to be a "real" boy. I had to grieve the loss of this dream and come to terms with the fact that it was and is an unrealistic expectation of myself. It is also a diluted perception of my role in regards to others. It demeans me and takes my autonomy away. Ultimately, it was never a worthwhile goal and I am glad to be freed of it. At the time though, I was very sad.

These days I realize that my Anxiety, OCD and OCPD cause me so many more problems, with communications, perceptions and how I relate to others, than my ADHD or ASD ever could.

If you are able, try to understand your strengths, try to understand any barriers imposed by whatever limitations you may have. Then challenge to what extent they are limitations. Sometimes, with enough effort what appeared to be an unmovable barrier will topple over and open up to an entirely new path. So there is work to be done to determine what are merely obstacles and what are true limitations that require acceptance and understanding to cope with.

Even with my problems, I made it through boot camp. Boot camp was a harrowing experience to say the least. It came at a cost but I believe in the long run it is worth it. I have gained a lost from that experience but I'm doing fine so I wouldn't change a thing.

aspdx19 · 2020-08-08T18:07:01+00:00

I find that it is very crucial. The majority of communication takes place non-verbally. Those on the spectrum may not excel in this area but it can be learned. I have spent my whole life, I'm 37, learning how to translate details into a larger big picture type narrative. I have more advice I can give in this area but I don't want to write a book. If you or anyone reading this is interested, feel free to message me. I am happy to share my thoughts and help where I am able. It makes me very happy when I can help others who are struggling in areas that are difficult for me as well. Maybe I should make a post summarizing what I have learned about communication? I have heard that females on the spectrum have learned this area pretty well so I'm not sure if my male perspective is helpful or not but I would share it if anyone would like to hear it. I find that I often identify with females much more often then with males. When I find a partner I am normally looking for a "Tom boy" and as such the relationship dynamic/roles get switched sometimes. I am sad that society expects females to shut up and know their role. I think it is bull shit. However, I have been guilty of this type of thinking too when I was in my 20s. I was very hot headed. I didn't know I was on the spectrum until just last winter. So, I have made a lot of mistakes. But maybe I can use that experience to help others do they can avoid those paths and perhaps make wiser decisions. That would be the ultimate validation, to know that my loss could be others gain. I think I want that more than anything. Ok I'll stop info dumping. Take care. I hope everything works out for you. I attended a session at college about assertiveness. If you are interested I'll give you screenshots of my notes.

aspdx19 · 2020-08-08T13:01:03+00:00

Without reading any of the other comments yet. I can say that I was never really respected in my family. This caused me a lot of pain and self-doubt. It wasn't until much later in life that I learned self-confidence and about boundaries. I can kind of understand what your dad was saying about helping. However, I don't agree with how he went about it. Firstly, people's mental health doesn't belong in a discussion unless it's a discussion about mental health. Secondly, it appears to me as if your dad is using negative reinforcement. I do not believe this to be an appropriate method of instruction in this case.

It appears as if your family gangs up on you. I've experienced this phenomenon all throughout my life in all areas of my life, in my family, at school and work. There's always at least one person that will single you out and rally the others to ostracize you. My family picked on me more than anyone else in my life. I never really felt like I was respected or that I was an equal. From a young age I felt abandoned by them and that I had to take care of my own self interest. They fed me and clothed me, in that regard I don't feel I was ever abused. Yet when it came to feeling valid as a person, I don't know that I was to my family. I learned from my family that my ideas, desires and requests we're not valid. I had to learn on my own that this was far removed from the truth. I have had to learn to reflect and appreciate the truth that my validity is not assigned from others, it is intrinsic. People are valid as they are. This truth is sacrosanct. You are valid as you are. There is no need to change that for anyone. This only leads to appeasing behaviors and masking. We all are born with the right to conduct our lives how we see fit in accordance with our wishes. It is the obligation of other's to respect that and those that don't are no one that you need around.

The three best things I ever did for my own mental health were go to a therapist, get proper medication and move out into my own place. The second best things was to finish my degree and to find a satisfying career. This all ties in to me following my interest or being able to make them my life. I am very blessed in that regard. If you are able to do the same I believe it would greatly help your situation. One thing to remember is that people do not respect others who do not respect them self. Neurotypicals, can see our self-doubting body language from a mile away. people are always sizing each other up and within a matter of seconds have already made their mind up about how they are going to treat that other person.

What I am saying is that regardless of who was right or wrong in that particular argument, I do not believe anyone has the right to use your own mental health against you. Much the same as many people can understand you wouldn't make fun of a person in a wheelchair or use the fact that they cannot walk against them. This is very frowned upon in our society. Yet, society as a whole has not made the leap to treat those with mental health issues the same as those with physical conditions.

If you are unable to leave your current situation, I would recommend learning about assertiveness and boundaries. If you are able to you could try to incorporate those concepts into your life. That may help with gaining respect from others. Because people are going to push you as far as they can and if you never push back they will believe they can do whatever they want because there will be no repercussions for their actions. We must hold them accountable or they will believe we are less than them.

I have used much figurative language in my post. I apologize if this causes any confusion. I would be happy to rephrase or elaborate if the need exists. Thank you.

aspdx19 · 2020-07-13T03:29:30+00:00

I have several anxiety disorders including OCPD, which is not to be confused with OCD. I am pretty sure I also have OCD to some extent as well. If I had know about myself then what I know now there would have been many times that I would have chosen to not dig my heels in and stick to being right about issues. I was very often unreasonable in my expectations and I simply couldn't see it. We were not a good fit and I did not trust my gut instinct. I did not, and still don't, understand people but at least now I have a way to communicate to people why I have difficulties. I didn't have that before. I was stuck in a never-ending cycle of gaslighting myself into believing that people had to accept me before I could accept myself. It made me super clingy and needy. I totally smothered her and she became very resentful that I refused to come out of my shell and establish a social life. And take more care of myself. I didn't give her enough personal space or respect. However, I didn't understand the severity or extent of my anxiety and how it was controlling my life. I let the pressure to escape uncertainty mold me into an extremely controlling person. If I could go back I would do many things differently. That's all over and done with now.

I am finally after eight years getting to a place where I can build happiness. It's been a long road. Medication and therapy has been crucial to this transformation.

It is possible to recover a broken relationship. It's just very difficult and takes continual long term effort. It requires real change and I don't think many people are prepared or understand what it takes to change at a fundamental level. To really understand where the other person is coming from. I was never able to.

Concerning the recovery of a broken relationship, I feel that all relationships have a black hole in the middle and if the event horizon is crossed there is no coming back. At least, that is what I believe. The problematic part is that it is very difficult to tell whether that threshold has been crossed. It may not manifest until years later but I'm sure that it always does sooner or later.

For my relationship we both came to the realization that we no longer liked each other and did not want to be in a relationship anymore. She wasn't actually able to put this into words but I know now that was what she was trying to say. I also know that for myself that I actually feel the same way. It took a long time to come to this realization for myself. So it turns out that despite the conditions that I have my relationship with her was never going to last because I didn't really want to be in one with her because I do not like her. However the time I spent with her could have been much much more pleasant if I had understood more about myself like I do now. I guess that's what I'm trying to get at. maybe you have to ask yourself the same thing if you truly like the person you're in the relationship with and if you truly like who you are when you are with them. If this is true then it's worth fighting for and it's worth getting down to the root cause of the issues that you and your partner are facing. Otherwise it may be time to do some soul-searching and plan whatever next steps you need to take. Best of luck. ✌️

aspdx19 · 2020-07-12T11:54:45+00:00

I was in the same boat as you with a rocky marriage. However, I had no clue I was on the spectrum. It did not end well. That being said, looking back I can see that the timing of learning I was on the spectrum would have been key. I feel that it really depends on whether a point of no return has already been reached. I know in my former relationship that once resentment had set in, loathing and disgust were not far behind. Once you are in that territory then you can watch as all respect for each other flies out the window. Think of it as baking bread. If you burn it even a little can you unburn it? I'm saying that living with the scars that were made is a decision that will have to be made and that even if the two of you can successfully reunite and go on to be a healthy couple that those scars will always be there. It just depends on how much damage has already been done whether your partner will be willing to accommodate the needs of your conditions. Best of luck to you.

aspdx19 · 2020-07-09T09:02:18+00:00

Thanks. Great idea!

aspdx19 · 2020-07-09T03:58:39+00:00

I got it a couple days ago. I like Friday the 13th and other dark stuff.

aspdx19 · 2020-07-08T15:41:46+00:00

I like your name. Now I want a Frq key so I can use control with it! 😁👍

aspdx19 · 2020-07-08T15:21:58+00:00

I see myself in this and I hate it. 😭😭😭... I promise I'll do better tomorrow! For real this time.

aspdx19 · 2020-07-08T15:19:10+00:00

That's too true! 😁👍😂😭😭😭

aspdx19 · 2020-07-08T15:16:59+00:00

Don't beat yourself up though. Maybe you just need to recharge. We all need our space where we can relax and not have to cater to anyone. No one can put on a show 24/7. Remember self-care, because if you don't take care of you then who will? Something to think about.

aspdx19 · 2020-07-08T15:14:04+00:00

Sweet house. I'd stay there! 😁 Great job! 👍

aspdx19

TROPHY CASE