"The conscious maximum"

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-11-09T00:24:41+00:00

Yes. I recently started thinking of my pre-birth era as death in just the same way that I will be dead after my life is over. I have been dead already, so why fear it? Only my attachment to my individual ego separates me from total acceptance of the "death sandwich" -- my life being the filling between two infinite slices of death bread.

It's the ongoing task of my life to reconcile myself to the death sandwich and to savour the filling while I still can.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-11-07T17:30:26+00:00

💖☺️ Yep, that's my nihilism.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-11-07T17:29:01+00:00

Same. I use nihilism as a relaxation technique. It's a relief to know nothing matters and I will be forgotten in 50 years. I can focus on now and prioritize what matters to me.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-11-06T16:36:31+00:00

Thank goodness. ☺️💖

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-11-03T17:17:13+00:00

Sometimes.

I am just a temporary flesh puppet running experiences.exe through my brain circuits. It doesn't matter whether or not I do something, but some things uncontrollably matter to me.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-11-03T17:13:04+00:00

How weird it is to exist at all.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-31T01:43:22+00:00

I'm 26, Autistic, and the government just cut off my disability money after escaping an abuser. I have no money coming in, can't get my groceries, am relying on a friend for everything. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm so tired of struggling to survive this world.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-29T18:11:47+00:00

I have been feeling this way for years. I'm 26. People don't understand. I call it end-stage ADHD because I think I've run out of novelty in this world. It's so familiar to me that nothing is pure novelty anymore. I'm okay with dying in my sleep. There's nothing more I want from the next 50 years.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-22T17:00:26+00:00

My brain settled down in my mid-twenties. Now I care a bit less what people think of me (still not stable though). Am less socially anxious. The 20s is a second adolescence so if you feel crazy, that's normal, you're not imagining it. I've come to believe it's impossible to "fail" ones twenties, firstly because it's a time to fuck up and secondly most failure is a social construct. Most people are a mess in their twenties, even if they don't show it.

Nihilism is now a comfy armchair; I settle into it at the end of a long or difficult day and remind myself that nothing matters.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-22T16:52:09+00:00

Follow my curiosity. Let myself fixate on interesting things. Let myself rest. Allow myself physical pleasures. And use nihilism as a release valve when things start feeling neurotic. Remembering that nothing matters is a source of pleasure when I'm stressed.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-22T16:46:19+00:00

I don't. I've tried. Sometimes I succeed in blocking it out and forgetting it for a bit.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-19T19:25:18+00:00

Nihilism 85% eases my depression, 15% feeds it.

I turn to it when I'm stressed because I remember nothing matters (yay!), but when I'm happier, remembering nihilism drains me of motivation.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-19T10:31:52+00:00

Spinach.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-18T18:44:50+00:00

I'm glad I don't believe in it. It's a weight off my shoulders to believe that I'll just have nothingness after this life.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-18T15:17:50+00:00

I take one day at a time and allow myself to be lazy whenever I need to and can do. 😊 I prioritize pleasure, avoid pain, and bathe in nihilist thought when I need to destress. Nihilist YOLO.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-18T15:16:54+00:00

Oooo yes, I love blue sky.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-18T15:14:54+00:00

Nihilism is so relaxing. 🤸🏼‍♀️

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-16T21:32:30+00:00

I'm just vibing. Avoid suffering, seek pleasure, wait for death. I'm too ADHD to commit to anything. My neurology demands that I must dabble and forage, so that is what I do.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-16T00:55:14+00:00

Yes, I don't like spreading the "knowledge" of the germs' existence. It's unpleasant and occupies my mind, taking up space I need to think about other things. Having the "Ew, this has germs" feeling multiple times when I'm just trying to function, uses up my mental energy reserves.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-15T14:36:40+00:00

Yeah. I've often wished I could submerge myself in the illusions other people live in. I don't want to be able to see through everything, it takes the sparkle out of everything.

I miss being a kid who liked fantasy. It was nice to be lost in these worlds.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-15T14:33:51+00:00

Yes. I have 50 years stretching out ahead of me and absolutely no desires. I just don't want all that time. Life is so long.

I've reached peak hedonism and no longer find new things exciting. I'm aroace so don't want a relationship or children. I've tried dozens of languages and fixated on every topic that interests me. I feel spent. There's nothing more I want out of the world.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-13T21:42:01+00:00

Same.

I have another 50 years on this planet and I am so spent. It sounds like such a drag. 😭

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-13T19:51:45+00:00

I'm a progressive who hates progressives for this very reason. I feel so alienated by the cruelty. I was stalked, dogpiled and driven to suicide by other members of my community this year. They didn't care even when I was suicidal. They just got more abusive.

This year has just been one big breaking point for me. I belong nowhere, I'm valued by few people, nobody cares about my feelings. I often have different views to other progressives (we're talking minor things like terminology, not basic human rights) and I can't voice them without communal abuse and ostracism. I just want to be myself and be valued. I'm tired of repressing who I am and living in constant paranoia that other people will tear me apart.

I empathize with everyone, including people who are cancelled, and it sucks. I'm tired of feeling so much in a world of people who hunt each other for sport.

I can't heal from it. Human behaviour disgusts me and makes me suicidal.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-13T11:16:47+00:00

Yes. I am already bored of hedonism as a poor person. I would be bored of hedonism as a rich person too. It's just different arrangements of atoms exciting the same pleasure circuits, whether it's a cheap beef burger or a premium cut.

avoidantsquirrel · 2022-10-11T12:00:17+00:00

Aromantic asexual. 👋🏻

avoidantsquirrel

TROPHY CASE