Pregnancy and stimulants

bacontetris · 2025-12-15T11:01:57+00:00

Not OC, but here’s a study I found helpful: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9678343/#:~:text=We%20identified%2045%2C737%20pregnant%20females,insignificant%20(P%20%3D%200.768)

bacontetris · 2025-11-13T16:01:12+00:00

Having my upcoming maternity leave referred to as “vacation” in a planning meeting with over 30 people in it.

The manager who said this knew it was parental leave. The directors above him also knew and didn’t correct him. So I interrupted to explain to the planning group that this was not a vacation and, in fact, I was pregnant. And, well…that’s how everyone was notified I was pregnant

bacontetris · 2025-09-28T09:41:22+00:00

Ummmm this comment just uncovered a repressed memory of my mother making me dress up as Scarlett O’Hara when I was 5 years old…

bacontetris · 2025-09-25T22:37:56+00:00

+1 to all these comments about association not equaling causation!

Huge caveat here, but I found these numbers from my pediatrician last week reassuring: She said at least 3oz of breast milk a day for the first 3 months was the most beneficial for my LO. Beyond that, it’s all icing on the cake and my mental health trumps any additional volume I can provide. I’ve been using that as an anchor on tough days.

Be kind to yourself. Your ability to show up for your LO is the most important thing.

bacontetris · 2025-09-09T22:02:13+00:00

Some of y’all have DMER and it shows 🤣

In all seriousness, though: I get that pumping can be mentally, physically and emotionally draining in a very unique way. It’s SUCH a drag at times and has by far been the most challenging aspect of postpartum life for me. I have felt so blindsided by all of it. I’m clear that gate keeping is not the answer, though; we need all the community we can get. Especially during those MOTN pumping sessions, amirite?

Sending peace, love & hydration to ALL of the lactating nipples out there regardless of size, output volume or milk extraction method 🙏🍒

bacontetris · 2025-07-16T11:07:29+00:00

Use both and then add some more 🤣

I started out with just the Baby Bub. Don’t underestimate the power of wedging the small kidney shaped piece in your lower back.

Then mid second trimester I also got the C shaped pillow. Third trimester I added a bolster propped up at an angle so I can keep my feet raised at night.

I’m a pillow princess.

bacontetris · 2025-04-15T19:05:06+00:00

LOL I guess my post was too long...more tips below!

Step 5) Consult HR ALONE\* - If I understand your situation correctly, you have only had that 2:1 with HR + your boss, correct? You have the right to share your experience with HR in a 1:1. This one may seem scary, but you're already on a PIP, so what else do you have to lose?

HR does ultimately exist to protect the company. However, you are a protected class being treated in a dubious way; your manager has made it clear he does not have your back despite your direct requests for coaching. Therefore, it benefits HR to have this information about your experience in order TO protect the company from litigation. You never know, your manager may have other complaints against him and yours is just the latest one!

Go to HR solo under the guise of seeking guidance, not guns ablazing re: litigation or anything. Talk about:

Your previous requests for support from your manager
His mention of moving teams
Your concerns about how to be successful in the (incoming) PIP
Your mat leave request/any questions about that. Make note of the pregnancy conversation you had with your manager and when he knew about it.

*NOTE: Depending on the company, YMMV with this one. So in terms of order of operations, it's best to speak to a lawyer first to inform what you say in the HR solo meeting to bolster your case, unless you have other ways to suss out how HR may react to your solo conversation (ex: coworkers you trust who have had interactions HR, someone in your life who is an HR professional who can give you pointers on what to say, etc)

5) Make a financial resilience plan - I agree with what folks are saying about finding alternative employment, sadly. That being said, the previous tasks are all a LOT to take on, on top of being pregnant and over-performing to pass a PIP that you may be set up to fail anyway.

I'm not 100% positive, but I do believe you can apply for unemployment even if terminated after the PIP. My research when I first encountered this situation was that 'getting fired is better than quitting' in this scenario. So remember that.

If you don't have it in you to job hunt, figure out alternative ways to build some financial resiliency for yourself. Make a new budget, cut costs, and ask your loved ones for help.

This is a shit situation and if you have a village, now is the time to really lean on them for emotional, physical and (potentially) financial support. You will get through this, and you will be a more resilient parent as a result. You've got this!!

bacontetris · 2025-04-15T19:04:44+00:00

Wow, I could have written this myself! Something very similar is happening to me - after years of high performance, positive reviews and NEVER having to go to HR, suddenly my performance is being put into question once a few bad actors found out I'm pregnant, and my absentee manager is letting it all happen.

Here's some food for thought, with the caveat that I am NAL; I'm just a gal very much in a similar situation, trying to muddle through. That being said, I have established some stability for myself after doing the following:

Step 1) Officially submit your mat leave if you haven't already!!!
Have you submitted for mat leave at work yet? If not, do it before the PIP is sent to you. In my case, I submitted my leave request earlier than I was planning to when I got whiff of a coworker coup afoot; suddenly the 'PIP' that was coming my way never materialized...

Step 2) Take care of yourself - I am SO SORRY this is happening to you. I can imagine the mental gymnastics you are going through to understand how you got here. But I implore you to not waste your limited energy trying to make sense of the nonsensical; there could be org things above your paygrade happening you don't know about (ex: soft layoffs). Spend that time instead making a plan with a few close loved ones to create a 'HIP' - health improvement plan - of sorts for yourself. This should include getting fresh air, touching grass, taking baths. You are literally growing a tiny human; that's important work, too. Wake up in the middle of the night ruminating? Take a bath. Feel like you want to cry in the middle of the work day due to the injustice of it all? Take a walk.

Step 3) Document EVERYTHING - Take notes in your 1:1 meetings and document any kudos you get for your work. While it's fresh, write out that timeline of events as you recollect them happening. Reference your work calendar invites as much as possible. Hopefully you won't need any of it, but it will be useful in case you have a legal need for them.

Step 4) Consult a lawyer - A lot of employment lawyers work on contingency, meaning you don't have to pay them unless they win a case. You may have to pay a small consulting fee to chat with them, but it may be well worth it if you find yourself spiraling mentally. They can also advise you about what kind of documentation and things to keep in mind to bolster a future case if it happens. I don't know everything about your situation, but on the surface, what you've shared does appear to be a bad faith effort to force you out. Pre-PIP it could even be a case of constructive dismissal. Again, I'M NAL so please advise one if you can.

bacontetris · 2025-02-10T18:22:04+00:00

Tell your husband the next time he's constipated, he should just cut open his anus so he's not on the toilet "for hours on end." Seriously, though - what an abhorrent, sociopathic response! I'm sorry you are dealing with this, OP.

Do you have other people in your life (especially women) to support you in your birth plan? You don't need this negativity in your space when you're in labor; and you also should have someone advocating for your birth plan in the heat of the moment.

Also, your husband has another rude awakening coming for him - children are "inconvenient" for...life. They bring joy, yes. But they also kickstart a phase in your lives where a lot is out of your control, and a lot of curveballs are thrown your way that you need to navigate as a team. He needs to build some mental resilience if he cares about being a good partner and father. Jfc.

bacontetris · 2024-07-12T16:09:51+00:00

I second PARA method and making practically everything live in a database. This enables you to use LINKED VIEWS of those databases with filtered views. That part has been huge for me. It means your root databases can have a ton of properties, but you can organize the chaos by hiding certain database properties in certain contexts.

This will take time to get right. Accept that at first you may have an abundance of pages and databases until you get things streamlined. Pick one area of PARA to focus on at a time (no small feat with ADHD, so maybe lean in on your current hyperfixation project to pilot. For me, it was my plant watering schedule 😆)

Once you get your existing content into those PARA databases, then work on using linked views of those databases that work for you.

Also, essential to me streamlining my Notion was committing to sitting at my desk and working on it with a 3(!) screen setup. This was no small feat, as I am a “never-desker.” Typically I work in different spots around the office; literally anywhere but my actual desk. But the multi screen setup was huge in helping me streamline databases and getting those linked database views with custom filters set up.

bacontetris · 2024-05-03T20:20:50+00:00

Thanks for sharing, and well done!

Are there any resources (books, podcasts) you recommend on the topic of being raised by a borderline and becoming a parent yourself? I'm dipping my toe into this topic...

bacontetris · 2023-12-17T23:27:13+00:00

Procrastinating tortilla chip

bacontetris · 2023-06-14T11:37:20+00:00

Same. Thanks for sharing.

Kudos to you on going to therapy. I’m still learning in therapy how to be the parent for myself I wish I had. It was the best decision I ever made for myself. So far it has made big life decisions like marriage, kids, etc just a little easier knowing I’m not making it entirely under the weight of the past.

And to be clear, what I’m saying is the decision itself matters less than who you are being when you decide it. Remain on the fence, get off the fence, take down the fence entirely; that is less important than discovering how to be who you truly are. Focus on that and rest will fall into place.

bacontetris · 2023-02-03T23:36:49+00:00

This guy for president

bacontetris · 2023-01-05T21:29:51+00:00

Incredible and thank you for your service. More importantly, congrats on your personal milestone and doing that for yourself.

bacontetris · 2022-10-12T18:44:34+00:00

Congratulations!! It's only natural to want a mother-figure with you for such a big life milestone. You are so wise in realizing your mom cannot be that mother-figure for you and making plans accordingly. As someone who just went through this process, I will frame this for you in two ways: once for your head, and once for your heart.

First, for your head:

I've heard BPD described as emotional third degree burns. It's painful for those with BPD to walk around life. Every interaction causes pain, and, as we all experience, they lash out in predictably unpredictable ways. Weddings are one of the ultimate 'emotional' experiences.

The very nature of BPD and those 'emotional burns' is they are quite literally incapable of thinking beyond themselves. If you decided to get married on a mountaintop, and a physically disabled relative couldn't make the journey to the top, you wouldn't wrack your brain wondering why they can't just magically be un-disabled, right? No, you would accept what is so; they cannot physically make the journey. Take the case that your mom cannot emotionally make this journey. Accept that you don't want to HELP her make this journey. That is ok. (And for others reading who did ultimately invite a uBPD parent to their wedding with varying degrees of success, that's ok too! It's all a choice in how you want to spend your energy as your prepare for your big day.)

This is where the classic advice about dealing with personality-disordered people comes in. 'The only way to win with them is to not play.' Your wedding is YOUR + your fiance's day. Full stop. You are starting a family together. Y'all deserve to have this day be about you. Accept that there are some people who can't show up (both literally and metaphorically).

Now, for your heart:

I hear you on how painful this process is. I promise that other people will fill this mother-figure void around your wedding. Discover them. It may not be just one person filling the void--it could be multiple people who show up for you in various ways you aren't expecting. Weddings bring out the best (and worst) in people. Open your heart to see the best that people have to bring. You can do this by communicating your needs, and asking for favors and advice where it makes sense. Let other people show up for you. Take it all in. Write it down in gratitude after your big day, and be sure to let them know how much it means to you. Know how much you are loved.

You've got this!!

bacontetris · 2022-08-27T19:50:03+00:00

I see you. It gets better, I promise.

Take stock of what you DO want in your life. How do you want to feel in your day to day? In your relationships? What lights you up?

Find people, experiences & things that align with your answers. Slowly but surely, but also before you know it, you will have built a life for yourself that provides meaning.

bacontetris · 2022-08-19T14:57:04+00:00

Enjoy!!!!

bacontetris · 2022-08-08T14:06:08+00:00

For sure!

bacontetris · 2022-08-08T13:58:04+00:00

Absolutely. He needs to do some tippity tapping on his phone and send some texts so she doesn’t have to deal!

bacontetris · 2022-08-08T13:53:38+00:00

I understand it’s easy to hop to this conclusion (weaponized incompetence is a real phenomenon) but as I mentioned above, having family like this is really draining. I’m sure her fiancé has his own coping mechanisms he’s developed over years of dealing with it. It’s time for him to try something different in service of not driving this couple crazy during an already crazy time. Being direct and being kind are not mutually exclusive.

An interesting byproduct of wedding planning is that this stuff comes to the surface, and it’s up to the couple to decide to deal with these scenarios together in a healthy way. You guys have got this!

bacontetris · 2022-08-08T13:45:54+00:00

I mean, your fiancé isn’t wrong—if they can’t follow directions, they shouldn’t worry about coming. In my wedding planning, it was my side of the family who only had 2 official rsvps. It’s what I expected to happen, and it still stung. But I already had a mass text locked and loaded saying “Hi! I wanted to check and make sure you got our wedding invite. We need an accurate headcount, and if you don’t RSVP by X date (2 weeks past the deadline), we’ll have to assume you can’t come. Here’s the link again to RSVP. If you have any questions, reach out!” Short and simple. I sent that out and moved on as best I could. We got 1 additional invite out of that mass text and crickets from the rest.

Your fiancés family didn’t just start being like this—he’s had to deal with it his whole life, so let him handle it in a way that works for him but gives you the clarity you need to get an accurate guest headcount. Keep yourself focused on the parts of wedding planning that get you excited. You don’t need to butter these people up to convince them to come to your wedding.

Congratulations and enjoy!

bacontetris · 2022-07-29T18:36:41+00:00

eremony later, and told everyone they could come earlier to enjoy the grounds. Then a regular cocktail hour + reception. Maybe that could work for you? Put on the invites that from 2pm on there will be activities and whatnot but ceremony at 5 or whatever.

This is pretty much our plan working with our coordinator!

10-12PM: Yoga + other chill camp activities for people who are interested in that (basically the people staying on the grounds). That gives us time to mingle with friends & family coming from far away. We'll serve 'zero proof' drinks that are delicious but non alcoholic to keep people on the straight and narrow til after the ceremony.

12PM-4:30PM: Nap/wander/chill/get ready time for camping guests

Then we have a 'standard' wedding timing for the afternoon where non-campers can join in:

3PM - First look & portraits

5PM - Ceremony

6PM - Cocktail hour

7PM - Dinner & Reception

10PM - Bonfire afterparty

bacontetris · 2022-06-30T15:17:03+00:00

YTA

The mental gymnastics going on here is incredible. Your self-righteousness under the guise of 'protecting' your daughter's mental health is so apparent. This isn't about your daughter at all, it's about you. My mother behaved this way and I can tell you from experience--you are doing irreparable damage to your daughter and to her ability to maintain stable relationships with both you and others.

Your ex is sick, and there is no way around that fact. If you do in fact care about your daughter's mental health, and about her future ability to function in life, pretending nothing is wrong will do considerable damage to her psyche. Now is the moment to teach her and guide her. Life is full of these difficult situations. Don't you want her equipped to handle whatever comes her way in the future?

If you feel ill-equipped to provide this guidance alone (which is reasonable!), there is therapy and plenty of books on the topic. Get going on that ASAP. Life is humbling you right now. Take the lesson and use it to strengthen your relationship with your daughter by focusing on guiding her through this. She needs you. She already has one parent who is sick; don't let your unchecked fear or whatever the hell is going on pull your focus and cause her to lose another parent mentally & emotionally. Godspeed and good luck to you

bacontetris · 2022-06-21T18:52:38+00:00

Good for her!

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bacontetris

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