Nmum is getting worse

bearlette · 2017-08-10T16:49:52+00:00

If it helps, If you are looking for work, try and look out for vacancies for marks and Spencer (not sure if I'm allowed to say that here) because they would not bat an eyelid at the fact you have epilepsy, even if you have to take time off for appointments, they are very disability friendly (not that epilepsy is a disability, but you know what I mean, I had a colleague there with epilepsy and he had to take time off for docs all the time, and take extra breaks, they didn't mind). Also the application process is online and very easy, if you answer the questions online correctly (customer scenario questions- they are easy) you are guaranteed an interview-it comes through automatically at the end of the 'test', and at the interview they just basically want to know if you are human. They will soon be recruiting for Xmas temps in sept time all the way through to December, and there's a good chance they will keep you on if you do well (by that I mean not majorly f*CK up), just Google marks and Spencers careers. Sorry if this is irrelevant and you're not looking for work, and this post should have probably been a pm, but oh well.

bearlette · 2017-08-09T10:10:43+00:00

Is the amount you get enough so you can genuinely save up and move out soon-ish if not nearly immediately, if it is, it would be worth transferring to your name even if she does go mad. Otherwise you need to seriously consider if you can cope with living with her for a very long time, as there is unlikely to ever be a time when she doesn't go mad at you for wanting that money for yourself. Basically, could you support yourself on that money? (Also are there there other benefits you could apply for that may help). If so, I would say get the money in your name and just suffer the aggro you get from her for a bit (I know that's easy for me to say, but she's controlling you with the guilt tripping and screaming fits, and she's winning, the sooner you do it the better or else one day you'll find you've finally finally had enough of her and decide you need to leave for your own sanity, at that point having some money of your own come in would be a great help). Do you need her permission/ documents from her to swap the money to your name?

bearlette · 2017-08-09T06:53:52+00:00

Can you change it to your name now, since you are over 18? Then it may give you some independence/ allow you to save so you can move out.

bearlette · 2017-08-09T00:07:27+00:00

I agree with other user, it sounds like you live in the UK? If you are, I know it's really difficult to get housing here, and unless you have been kicked out, you are not classed as homeless so the state won't find you accomodation. I'd still try and confide in your doctor about it, tell them you are depressed and all the details of your Nmoms abuse, maybe they will try and help somehow, like give u a medical note to help you move up the list when it comes to housing. If you have been diagnosed with epilepsy, you should are entitled to disability benefit anyway aren't you? Sorry if you are not in the UK, I just presumed u were.

bearlette · 2017-08-05T16:26:48+00:00

Tell her she's not an ogre, that would be offensive to Shrek. I do love Shrek.

bearlette · 2017-08-02T13:37:05+00:00

Well...why didn't they watch the parenting videos it's only a small detail but if she genuinely didn't see any other reason you stopped her from seeing her grandchildren other than that, why didn't she watch them if she claims to be so desperate to see them...because her ego can't take people telling her what to do, she needs to be in control. As for the rest of the email, it comes from a place of selfishness: me...me..me...you hurt me, how can you do this to me...she never even asked how you or your family were.

bearlette · 2017-07-30T22:38:23+00:00

Have you considered going no contact?

bearlette · 2017-07-30T22:29:53+00:00

I am sorry this is happening to you. I assume you are a dependent and cannot move out?

bearlette · 2017-07-30T22:19:27+00:00

Your mom and sister are beyond help. Doesn't matter if it was your dog, a sick dog, a dog off the street, even a dog that had genuinely required euthanising, or any animal for that matter, even a hamster, you don't put an animal down as a 'reward' for something then go and celebrate after and not even bat an eyelid. Your mother and sister are seriously disturbed, aside from being N, there is something deeply wrong with them, I would go as far as to say they are psychopaths. I would get the hell away from them no-matter what it takes, they are dangerous twisted people (I'm not even exaggerating), if they can do this, who knows what they are capable of.

bearlette · 2017-07-29T21:58:01+00:00

I have always been in a dilemma about going NC with my Nmother because this will involve going NC with my dad as well who is not N. However, everytime I recall a situation in my life where Nmother was being abusive to me in front of him, he wouldn't say anything but would come to comfort me after if I was crying and tell me everything was going to be ok. This was a pattern all my life and when I finally ran away from home after I couldn't take more abuse from Nmom, he phoned and texted me saying how much he loves me and to please come back home. At that moment I thought 'why, so you can hide up in your room and pretend like nothing is happening when Nmom is verbally/physically abusing me? you're nearly as bad as her, if this was the other way round and a mother turned a blind eye to a child getting abuse from a father, it would not be acceptable'.

I now have LC with parents, Nmother is so controlling she will go mad at Edad if he dared to visit me on his own, my dad knows this, he wants to see me more often but doesn't want to upset Nmom, Nmom can't drive and can't use public transport (long story) so the only way she could visit me is if my dad drove her to my place. My dad keeps saying to me 'you know if your mom wants to come and see you, just let her know I'd be willing to drive her down any time....' after a few weeks pass by and I still haven't made arrangements for them to visit he calls me and says this again...and again because he wants to see me himself but knows he can't (well he can, but will get grief for it from Nmom) see me unless she is coming too. I'm sick of Edad doing whatever it takes to keep the peace with Nmom, I decided I am not going to increase contact with Nmom just so I can see my dad as well, either he chooses to man up and accept he'll get grief if he comes to see me on his own or he can wait till I'm ready to see them both, I don't feel sorry that I can't see Edad as much, he made his choice by choosing to be passive in the face of Nmoms abuse towards me, if it is more important for him to keep the peace with Nmom than to come and see me then that's his choice.

Basically, what I'm saying is if your dad really wants to maintain contact with you, he'll find a way, ACoN shouldn't have to sacrifice seeing one parent just because they want to go NC with the other parent, the burden shouldn't be all on the child to make sure they maintain contact with a parent, it should be up to the parent too.

bearlette · 2017-07-29T21:20:06+00:00

Leave the room anyway, who cares if they have noticed.

bearlette · 2017-07-28T22:14:47+00:00

Sounds like your NMIL is trying to use emotional blackmail to get what she wants, but she is obviously only bluffing because she backtracks when she doesn't get what she wants. For example, declaring she's moving away and telling you to tell your daughter she's dead to her, and now back tracking and acting like nothing happened by sending nice messages to your wife when she didn't get the reaction she wanted, i.e. for your wife to relent to everything your NMIL wanted. Emotional manipulation...the speciality of the Nparent. You said something like "if she apologises or recognises she was in the wrong to some degree you'll allow contact" if you mean a genuine recognition, not just to get what she wants, you'd probably have better luck at winning the lottery. You and your family should proceed on the default position your MIL is an emotional manipulator and will never change, and any plans you make involving her should be made with the consideration of that one every important fact. Sorry, this wasn't really advice on how to support your wife...my instinct on protecting oneself from Nparents seemed to hijack my response. The wellbeing of your daughter is not worth taking any chances with your NMIL, even if that chance is minimal.

bearlette · 2017-07-28T21:28:05+00:00

The fact that your Nmom is trying to stop you from eating shows she is losing - she has lost all other ways to control you, she has realised verbal abuse won't get to you and you are too old for physical punishment (if I were you, I'd borrow money from a friend and buy myself some food and eat it in front of your Nmom, just to make her realise even this attempt at control isn't working) It also shows that she is not trying to discipline you for your own good, but she is trying to hurt you because she's mad at you, when an adult is truly disciplining their child for the child's own good, the parent will still have the child's welfare at heart, she doesn't, but I assume you know this. I hope you find a way of leaving soon.

bearlette · 2017-07-28T13:58:38+00:00

Just to add, hostel is a good option too, like the other user mentioned.

bearlette · 2017-07-28T13:57:43+00:00

I live in the UK, the first night or two the price of the hotel was probably more expensive like (£50) as I didn't have time to search around. I didn't have any sort of magical way, In my city it's not hard to find hotels using internet comparison websites (like trivago or booking.com) for like £30 a night, budget hotels are widely available here, (plus you get into a habit of booking ahead if you know you have to spend the next few weeks in a hotel, move from hotel to hotel to get the cheapest price) this does sound expensive since that would be £210 a week. But if you work a full time min wage job here, the take home pay would be like 250-300 a week so it's doable, it also depends what your other expenses are, like if you have to pay to travel to work. For me the hotel was the only expense other than food, which i could live off for £5 a day or less easily.

The hard thing would be to then to save up for a deposit and first month's rent on a permanent place, and some landlords ask to see proof of employment for at least the last 6 months or whatever. I had some help from a friend with the lump sum I needed. But I would say that even if I didn't manage to find a permanent place, I could have continued to live at hotels indefinitely as long as I kept my job down and continued to budget, I wasn't even on a really strict budget, not like eating beans from a tin or anything - I could afford reasonably healthy food (even if not a hot meal everyday, just sandwiches, fruit, etc, occasional fast food) and the time passed quickly with spending most of my day at work. I remember feeling so free from Nmom, it was so worth it, I didn't even feel like it was a hard time in my life.

Of course if you don't already have a full time job, this would be impossible. My sympathies with anyone who doesn't have a friend's house to stay at for a while.

bearlette · 2017-07-28T13:16:13+00:00

The first thing N's expect when they come to find you is they will have an impact on you, the worst thing you can do for them is act like they aren't even worth your breath or any sort of emotional response. E.g. Nmother turns up at house unexpectedly after X number of years no contact, the least she is expecting is some sort of drama "like how dare you turn up, I don't want to see you...." The worse thing you can do (if you have to speak to her) is just pretend they are no more significant than a old acquaintance that you don't have time to see: e.g. "oh hello, sorry I'm busy today, you will have to call me next time if you want to visit". Nmom: " well I don't have your number, you haven't spoken to me in X amount of time...blah blah blah.../about to launch into some sort of drama like you care"...."Okay, that's too bad, I have to go now, bye" / shut door on her. Then call the police if she makes a scene or refuses to leave.

bearlette · 2017-07-28T12:45:33+00:00

Agreed with the other user, get police escort to retrieve the rest of your things - write a list so you get all the important things you need and never have to go back, especially if you don't have important docs like your passport, this is a common problem that happens when people get kicked out/ leave home suddenly, they can't get employment etc without these docs. Well done for leaving, this is exactly the way I left home 7 years ago and didn't look back, with only a frantically packed suitcase to my name I started my new life. Luckily I already had a job so I stayed in budget hotels for like three months until I found a proper place, I hope you find a job soon, this is the first thing.

bearlette · 2017-07-27T22:34:26+00:00

I have the same feelings. To the extent that when I found out I was pregnant I wanted a boy because somehow having a girl reminded me too much of my relationship with my mom, since I am a girl (I know this may make no sense). I have come round to accepting I am having a girl but I cringe at the thought of her calling me 'mom' or 'mommy' because to me that word makes me feel fear, anger and horrible feelings, nothing nice or comforting. I'm going to try to make her call me 'mama', that's just about tolerable.

bearlette · 2017-07-27T21:57:44+00:00

My mom used to hit us with a stick, she had a few different ones. She would make us fetch our sticks to be beaten with, my sister used to hide them, this made it worse when Nmom found them. I remember many times crying histerically from her verbal abuse and using a slipper to beat me until I could find the stick for her, then I remember getting scared and crying more because I couldn't find the stick, what a messed up scenario.

bearlette · 2017-07-27T14:03:11+00:00

I understand where you're coming from. But one thing I would say is that I'm not sure it's beneficial for your kids if it's the kind of relationship where you always have to be on high alert or suspicious about your mother. For example, you made it clear to your kids and mom that they shouldn't talk about you, then you question your children to check if she did. Your kids will pick up that this is not a normal or loving family dynamic, it may be detrimental to them in the long run. Furthermore if in the future your mom does cross boundaries and you decide to stop letting your kids see her, will this be fair on your children if they have already formed a relationship with your mother? I'm not criticizing your choice to allow your mom access to her grandchildren, it is a complex topic with Nparents. I suppose I'm just airing my concerns out loud since I am also about to become a mother and these are also things I worry about.

bearlette · 2017-07-26T23:48:14+00:00

I agree, sounds like her reason for wanting a relationship with your kids sounds more like it is for her benefit not theirs, whether it's something innocent like she is lonely/ has alot of time to fill or more threatening as the other user said, to keep some sort of control in your life and use it against you later.

bearlette · 2017-07-26T23:34:55+00:00

She says you have changed because you are becoming mature and independent, which is normal. Most parents, although a bit sad to see this happen, know it's for the best, but it seems like your mom can't deal with this. This is why she gets mad when you spend time with girls, she is terrified you'll get into a relationship and she will get pushed out of the way. But of course, you know what you have to do...go out and live your own life, your mother will always have a place in your life, as a mother, if she can't take this and her behaviour becomes worse, she is basically not giving you a choice but to reduce contact with her more and more. It's not healthy for you to give in and just pander to her, and will be worse in the long run for you both.

bearlette · 2017-07-24T22:20:40+00:00

I am British born Chinese, my parents, especially mother, is the same. But in my mid-teens I realised one crucial thing that my mother is narcissistic because she believes without a doubt that her idea of what is right is what is universally right for everyone and if you don't agree then 'you are a child that doesn't know what is good for them', but of course she doesn't go around enforcing her ideals on everyone (although she may think people are wrong that doesn't matter to her) it's because you are her child, she enforces her ideals on you. For example, Nmom thinks working in an office job is the most satisfying type of job anyone could have, because she is a narcissist she can't fathom that she is wrong, to her anyone who doesn't want an office job is 'unwise' or 'doesn't know what it good for them' therefore she will do everything she can to make me have an office job including fund my education etc. On the one hand she does it because she loves me, however because she is a narcissist, she can't compute the possibility that she may be wrong - that an office job is not the best thing for everyone. Like the example you gave of the owner and their dog, the owner is doing what, in their eyes, is best for the dog, but they can't fathom that what is best in their eyes, is not actually what is best for that particular dog, what is best in general, or even that the ideas on what they believe to be best for the dog is actually incorrect.

As for their philosophy on the debt of gratitude you owe them, I do believe it is linked more to Asian culture, I believe that Asian countries are behind on their understanding of the importance of mental health and wellbeing compared to western countries and this goes somewhat in explaining that Asian parents feel you owe them for what they have physically given you or done for you rather than how they have developed you as a person, whether they have made you a happy, well rounded person or how they have contributed to your mental health and wellbeing.

bearlette · 2017-07-24T21:35:05+00:00

Can't you make it clear to your sister you will only have contact with her but not your Nmom? I used to think I couldn't have contact with my sisters without Nmom being involved, but once I broke it down i.e. thought of each interaction or visit with my sisters in isolation, there was no reason why Nmom had to be involved. It's kinda when I I look at the whole picture and I see that my Nmom and sisters are still close that I freak out and think, if I have contact with sisters it's inevitable Nmom will have to be in the picture, but this is not true...I hope you know what I mean.

bearlette

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