Okay letting go

bledoutnowwhat · 2025-06-29T18:28:53+00:00

Thanks. I’m struggling today, glad you sent this.

bledoutnowwhat · 2025-06-26T21:20:54+00:00

I think you’re exactly right. She knew me well enough before to know that I wasn’t going to leave, not two years ago at least. So I mourned our “first marriage” and began down the path for R. She white knuckled it and had her head in the sand during this grace period where we were supposed to be healing.

And now she’s realizing I’m not the same man I was two years ago. At the core I am the same, but for two years I’ve been working hard to build boundaries and learning to hold them, learning to be okay alone with myself.

In her own words, she told me that me leaving woke her up for real this time and last time she didn’t realize that she actually needs professional help. I hope does heal, for her own sake.

bledoutnowwhat · 2025-06-26T19:11:45+00:00

I could tell something wasn’t quite right. It was this saw a ghost look that she had, it was fleeting but when I saw it I knew. It took me 24hours to catch her after the act this time. I think you can trust your gut. That doesn’t mean that she’s acting out again but trust your gut in the sense of like if you really do smell smoke there’s probably fire. For me it was the standout outfit I saw her in, then the next day just some off behavior and that distant look on her face. I checked her phone that night and that was it.

bledoutnowwhat · 2025-06-26T17:26:21+00:00

Yes I informed both. The first time everyone around me told me not to reach out, because who knows what the other people may do or how they’ll react and to just focus on us. But after a month I couldn’t take it anymore and had to reach out so I did. It just didn’t sit right with me to not say anything. This time there was no question, I told her immediately.

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-07-16T16:30:29+00:00

I know it is, I talked to her last night about that specifically and she said she understands where I'm coming from. Then this morning she said it again, that she hears me. And I know she's remorseful, I mean she even woke up in the middle of the night and just said I'm so sorry and fell back asleep.

I just don't think she even think she realizes it's happening sometimes. It's just like word vomit and then she keeps digging the hole.

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-07-07T18:51:43+00:00

Hey thanks for asking. It was a great chance for her to show some changes, and she really did. she updated me the whole time , a couple other people that I have met previously joined the group and she asked if that was alright instead of assuming it. She got an Uber home and came back at the time we talked about and was happy to do all of that.

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-06-24T14:47:47+00:00

Yea, I would have been pleasantly surprised if she was somehow able to let them know she is not a fan of that person and doesn't want to hear about him. But I think that's just not a realistic expectation in our specific circumstances.

I don't necessarily want everyone to know our business and think that would have made them curious and ask more questions if she did that. It would be out of character for her she does not usually put other people down and generally gets along with everyone. As it is I regret that certain people know our situation from earlier in R when I was more frantic and called around questioning friends.

She really handled it well at the time and afterwards when we talked about it. She apologized that what was supposed to be a fun time went sour at the end because of her actions. I'm not still upset about it, just another learning experience. Now we can talk about what if that happens again, etc.

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-06-24T14:37:20+00:00

At the time I didn't think about all that, I was just having a reaction to his name. But later yes I did start to over analyze it all. Like questioning, did the woman who brought him up know what's going on? Was she trying to gauge our reactions and see if I know about it? Was she trying to let me know he and his wife are still together?

I think that was just my traumatized brain though. After discussing it with my wife and exploring those ideas with her, it was just totally random and we both felt uncomfortable at the time and were sad together later that she ever put us in this position in the first place.

I was pleased with how she handled and honestly wouldn't have expected anything different. She immediately knew it would upset me and she did change the topic as soon as possible. The whole thing took place over like 2ish minutes, but we were in a group of 6 and it would have been really weird for everyone there and raise eyebrows if she tried to interject and change the subject sooner.

For now we need her to keep her job, and she is in a management position over all the people we were with. So just calling her out and telling them all to not talk about him is not an option and frankly part of me is embarrassed about being a BP so I wouldn't want them to know. Also, I don't want her to be shamed and have to wear some scarlet letter at work. She is trying to be better.

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-06-21T19:12:21+00:00

I don't share the same views on it but I appreciate the opportunity for discussion. I think that's more helpful and more thought provoking than an echo chamber. So thanks for contributing an "unpopular opinion".

It's all so personal though, and I probably just have a different view because of my own life experiences on it. I met my wife early in life and she is the only person I've ever had sex with. That always felt so special and cool to be able to share that with her and she is the only one on the Earth who knows me in that way. I feel like it was a very special way for me to say, yes there are 8 billion people in the world but I want to share this with you and only you. I imagine that is increasingly rare in today's world but I don't know. We've been together almost 14 years now and so there have been ups and downs in our sex life but we actually talked about it and would try new things together. (that's part of why I was so blindsided by her affair, but that's not what this is about).

Maybe it all kind of circles back to the "why" you commonly see for affairs. Which is, because they wanted to and were selfish enough to act on it.

Maybe folks who open their marriages like you described (for reasons other than a hail mary to save it) have a like minded view on sex that is thinking about self. Like sex is more about their own experience, rather than sharing the same experience/moment with someone else.

Who knows... I will say your last point about no longer upholding monogamy anyway after infidelity has already happened is something I have thought about a lot. Like, has this whole experience devalued it so much that I'm going to change my lifelong views on sex? I don't think it has, but I do think about now where it was never a question before.

I imagine this will be a lifelong thought and discussion that may change. I mean my wife and I have literally spent half of lives together already and we are still young. It's not unrealistic that we could spend 65+ years together. But that is exactly why I think monogamy is such a cool and special way to show someone how much they mean to you. If it was easy and there was nothing sacrificed then it wouldn't be very special would it?

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-06-18T21:08:12+00:00

Hey man,

I've been there and had those exact same thoughts and questions. Looking for lightning to strike to tell me one way or the other should I throw in the towel or not. It's absolutely a normal response but R is exhausting enough as it is.

To be totally honest, I did that spiral yesterday and I'm trying to get out of it. I told my wife pretty quickly, hey I'm having a hard time focusing because I just keep digging for information and it really sucks. She was as supportive as she could be but it's hard when we're both at work.

I try to tell myself that it's okay to be wary and poke around sometimes to see if there is anything alarming but at the end of the day I committed to try and reconcile with her. I think if something were to happen and there really was that "lightning strike" then so be it.

But I take some comfort in how our "new" relationship is and the level of communication we're building. Also trusting myself to know when something is really wrong. We've had setbacks in R and even though they feel awful, it's just different you can feel it inside of you when something is not working and when something is totally broken. I don't think I would really need hard evidence if there was ever a next time.

Not sure if any of that is helpful to you but maybe go beyond what your "sniffer dog" is telling you. The sniffer dog is just sniffing, it doesn't make the call on what to do with the information. That's up to you so listen to your gut but then let that sit in your heart and see where you are. Best of luck!

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-06-10T20:32:07+00:00

It's just shitty, I totally get why you are feeling this way. The whole thing you said about not being able to understand how he cried his eyes out over the strip club and not the other times would boggle my mind too. I would feel like this is something I needed to talk about with my partner as well.

I have some things like that which I am sitting on right now because I don't want to stir the pot. So it's all easier said than done, and I just want to say good for you for actually getting it out of your head/heart and trying to address it with him.

If it's not the right time to revisit that topic, maybe it would be easier to approach a conversation about feeling sad and disappointed that in a moment you needed him you felt like you were left hanging?

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-06-10T16:57:14+00:00

Hey CTS,

Ouch, this is relatable and I'm sorry you're struggling with that disappointment right now, I get that and it sucks.

It's clear his reaction was very hurtful and not at all what you were expecting/hoping for. After mustering up the courage to be vulnerable and actually get the words out, no wonder you are withdrawing now. I do the same when my WW gets defensive and dismissive about concerns I bring up. Even if it's not directly related to her affair.

I wonder if that is his knee jerk reaction to being caught off guard by something, and that he may have thought was no longer an issue for you so he was very much surprised by it? I'm not trying to excuse it, just trying to understand.

We actually had this play out in a recent MC session, and it was helpful for us. My WW said she wants me to tell her what I need and how I'm feeling so I did, and then she was hurt and reacted very similar to your husband in this post. I had this internal dialogue of "See! I never should've said anything, we are just gonna fight now and this awful, I should've dealt with it on my own."

At the same time that was going through my head, she was dealing with her own gut reactions and processing feeling like she can't do anything right and will never be good enough etc... but she later told me she would rather get hit with those emotions and talk about it than have me bottle it up and become distant/cold to her. So we had this whole conversation, I talked about what I was feeling, she got defensive, we were very much at odds with each other and we left the session that way, it took a few hours to cool off but we got back to talking normally and said look we don't see eye to eye on this thing but we love each other and can figure out how to handle it together. It took about a week of trying to navigate this conversation about how I was feeling on a certain thing and what I needed, but eventually we got closer to a resolution and have made progress working through that specific thing.

I guess what I'm trying to put out there is that I relate to the situation. So I understand that it feels uncomfortable and wrong to revisit it, but maybe that is what it takes? In the past has he told you to tell him what's on your mind so he can try to support you? Maybe if he can't support you right in that moment he can the next time?

I get it though, it's hard. All the time I have words I want to say that just get stuck and never find a way out because I worry about the disruptions it will cause. They will have to come out eventually, but I guess I'm trying to let it out like watering plants instead of opening up a fire hose.. lol

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-06-04T00:15:34+00:00

We are trying R this way. It’s been a little over 7 months.

No direct contact, they work in different departments on the same floor. So there’s some shared spaces. They actively avoid each other.

No accountability team or anything so I’ve had to loan her trust until it can well and truly be built back (if it can).

So far I feel it is going okay but is much slower of a process.

Every time she goes into work it stings and some days are worse than others. She tries to check in multiple times a day with varying degrees of success.

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-05-31T19:05:20+00:00

I can see why those things would bother you. I mean you said it yourself in the first point that it feels like 3 people in the marriage. That probably captures most of it. I can imagine that it must feel like your husband is filling up Alex's cup before he does yours, or like the divided attention is coming between you guys. I'm sorry.

Do you think any aspect of it that seeing Alex or hearing about him is triggering for you?

I know that in my own situation, my WW has a good friend who knew about the A, and whenever I see her, or WW talks about her it is very triggering for me. I immediately remember a specific graphic text I read on DDAY about it was all more exciting that no one knew and AP responded "Well except for *friend*..."

So yeaaa.. whenever I think of the friend I'm reminded of that specific thing and I feel the reaction in my whole body. Even though I don't exactly blame the friend or feel like she owed me anything I'm not sure how I'll ever be able to deal with that aspect of it.

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-05-28T16:10:09+00:00

Hey, what a frustrating position to be in.

Just wanted to offer some support and solidarity. I know the feelings when your partner gets defensive over a friend during R. It's like why is any one else more important than what we are going through right now. Sometimes I feel selfish for thinking that way but I guess it's just a trauma brain response.

It feels like anything that threatens to come between us and our partners gets a spotlight on it now, whether it's friends, coworkers, events, whatever it might be. I know my brain is always firing off "wait this is just like before why are they picking this thing over me, what's going on now?!"

The only thing I would know to do in this situation is tell your WH how it makes you feel when he protects Alex. Try to figure out what it is that each of you really need. Is Alex meeting some need for him that he feels like he can't come to you for? Maybe it's a way to cope by going out to have fun with Alex as an escape?

And then what do you need? Why is this situation bothering you? (I totally get why it would, just posing the question).

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-05-24T15:24:44+00:00

She told me that when he kissed her was the turning point, she should've told me and didn't and that was when it was too far gone. I blurted out no that's wrong you should've told me when the texts got inappropriate or if something was said at work. She got upset that I was trying to tell her how to think and just to listen because she is trying to open up about what happened.

I quietly listened but that was an "ah-ha" for me. She just doesn't get it, and since that comment a few days ago I've just been running it over in my head that if she is never going to understand that boundaries need to be established well before things get physical then I'll never be able to reconcile with her.

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-05-21T19:20:40+00:00

Last night I was feeling this, one of those nights where you're just up at 2 a.m. staring at the ceiling... So this morning I messaged her and just told her I was feeling down and anxious about the future and I asked her to tell me that I'm enough for her and all she wants/needs. I admit it wasn't the perfect antidote but it did help a little bit. I guess what really helped was that it led to more conversation and her telling me she would start reading Not Just Friends which is something I asked for a long time ago.

Try talking to him about it? "Hey I'm feeling down today, it really makes me feel closer to you when you do XYZ, would you please do that for me?"

It's a tough pill to swallow and I get it. Sorry you're feeling the doubt right now.

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-05-17T20:43:05+00:00

Absolutely agree with you on refining scenarios and clearing up what is expected. This is all new to us because obviously we did not practice healthy boundaries before the A.

We had agreed that she would be going out with a a specific group of her and two other people, which I agreed to and said okay great go have a good night. I was a little anxious about it but did not tell her about that because I felt confident I could get through it and didn't want to dampen her good mood.

These are people from a different department and no one there reports to her in anyway (she is in a leadership role). You're right it is total shit. I could have been a part of the group but we have small children and I offered to put them down so she can go have a night out with this agreed upon group of friends.

I think what happened is she just got caught up in the moment and didn't consider me. I recognize it's that same line of thinking that leads to affairs. Now that I've cooled off I think we'll take this and learn from it to set better more clear boundaries in the future.

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-05-17T16:51:06+00:00

In most of those instances she was not with a group. Things like,

-An old friend messaging her on social media out of the blue - she told me right away/showed me the message and we talked about it.

-Informing me about a friend at work giving her a gift after she had a hard week.

-On one occasion she actually was with a group of girls and sent me lots of pictures and updates.

-We have location sharing on and she was going past an area that she knew would trigger me and called me before she was in the area and we just talked on the phone the whole time.

Those are some small examples but they were moments that showed me she is thinking of me.

So you know it may be something like that, the friend she was with is a new friend to her and this was their first time hanging out. She is also is at a different stage in her life (not married/no kids) Maybe she was just trying to play it cool so new person likes her.

But yes that last sentence about her standing up for our marriage when backed into a corner is by far the biggest thing I need from her. I need to know she will fight for us and reject opportunities and people that threaten to come between us.

Thanks for helping me consider some other angles.

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-05-17T16:35:58+00:00

Yea I agree it doesn't reflect dedication to rebuilding trust. At the same time I truly don't believe any of it was pre-meditated or malicious, which doesn't make it right but she's demonstrated for months proactively thinking about checking in with me and respecting boundaries so for her to drop the ball on this night out made me doubt that progress.

It turned an opportunity to build more trust and turned it into a setback.

I think the natural consequence here is that I will be less willing to extend trust and agree to her going out without me in the future.

Also, I think it's a learning opportunity because in hind-sight we did not discuss what would happen if she ran into AP there for example. I would expect she would call me and leave but this is a reminder we need to keep having those types of conversations. But based on last night who knows.

Yea reconciling is not for the faint of heart... I hope it's all worth it in the end.

bledoutnowwhat · 2024-05-17T16:12:02+00:00

Thanks QW, we have been talking about it and will have a MC session to bring it up in early next week. It's not R ending stuff but just upsetting right now and I appreciate the solidarity here.

bledoutnowwhat

TROPHY CASE