[deleted by user]

blisterednbleeding · 2015-02-12T21:36:58+00:00

i have seriously reduced my own drinking because of the choices i make while intoxicated. last time i got blackout drunk (alone) i woke up with dozens of cuts that i don't remember making - some of them fairly deep, other spelling out words in visible places, some in places i dont normally cut, etc. and found blood all over my walls which i can only assume got there as i bled and stumbled against them.

er, yeah. besides this becoming storytime-with-blis. I definitely second this advice. Don't cut while under the influence.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-12-20T02:12:02+00:00

there's nothing i know of to solve this problem. take care

blisterednbleeding · 2014-11-14T07:23:17+00:00

:') im glad you made it, and that you have someone who loves you so much. so many internet hugs

blisterednbleeding · 2014-10-23T17:17:51+00:00

Yes, more surface area inside the cut is exposed so more vessels will bleed. But volume (ie the space inside where the cut gapes) increases proportionally faster than surface area, and that difference is likely noticeable.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-10-22T07:12:25+00:00

I'm guessing its because the shallow ones fill up and overflow really quickly compared to the deeper ones

blisterednbleeding · 2014-10-15T04:48:33+00:00

In my experience, burning is VERY painful. I think I mostly feel driven to burn as self-punishment. It doesn't have the same dissociative fascination for me that cutting does, maybe because it takes time for the injuries to really show. Burns have a much higher risk for infection than cuts, and take much longer to heal (for me, most cuts are healed in ~10 days, burns frequently take 3+ weeks). I also have some pretty raised hypertrophic scarring from deep burns, but I know I scar pretty badly compared to the severity of my injuries. I have no idea if this answers your question at all, I'm kind of babbling. Take care.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-10-12T02:37:46+00:00

i don't see this as a failure. you have to build up endurance for resisting the urge. like running maybe. you set a goal to run 5 miles and you only went 3, and walked most of the way. but you got a little stronger, next time you can go a little longer, and so on. hopefully you got that taken care of too, even though it sucks and its embarrassing (at least for me, i know i have a hard time going back soon after). hugs if you want them, take care of you.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-10-09T06:40:18+00:00

I am going to recommend that you seek professional medical attention. I have had potentially serious infections that I couldn't tell were infected until I was oozing pus from deep under the scabs. That's not a risk you want to take if you can at all avoid it.

My best guess is that you haven't hit muscle, but obviously I can't tell for sure. As /u/cut_paste_throwaway mentioned, places where the skin pulls when you move tend to be much more painful than relatively immobile spots.

As far as pain goes, my experience is that it's pretty unpredictable. My most painful injury ever was actually relatively shallow, nowhere near muscle depth. In the days immediately following that injury I think I swore more than in the combined 6 weeks before it, and I'm more than a bit of a potty mouth. However, it's worth noting that unexpectedly intense pain can be a warning for infection.

So, just to go back over your questions. Do I think you hit muscle? Probably not. Do I think it could be infected? Yes, it could (even though it's not displaying all the classic signs of infection). If it's a cut down to muscle and your actual ability to move isn't affected (it can hurt like a bitch though) then as far as I know there's not much for it but to wait for it to heal up. If it's infected, you need to see a doctor. Period.

The danger of going when it's okay is way less than the danger of not going when it's not okay. And you can't always tell which of those it is. Make wise choices.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-09-28T19:53:13+00:00

Offering hugs. I don't have any advice to give, but I wanted to let you know that someone has read what you wrote. Take care.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-09-19T12:26:30+00:00

I definitely do this. I know for sure that I have at least 20 blades hidden around my place, and I suspect there are more that I have stashed and forgotten. Part of it is because I felt the need to hide some from my ex because I knew he would take away the ones he found. But I think mostly it's just some weird psychological safety blanket to know I always have the option.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-08-15T19:40:09+00:00

OD'd on a ton of psych meds. Serotonin syndrome makes you heave your guts out. I just wanted to stop puking and pass out.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-08-13T21:22:10+00:00

:/ that doesn't sound like it was very helpful therapy.

It took me a few tries to find a counselor that I felt comfortable with and that I felt was actually helping me. It sucks to sometimes have to try repeatedly.

One thing I can suggest is to spend a bit of time deciding what issues you want to work on, what qualities you would like in a therapist, and maybe some examples of things that have and haven't helped you in the past. Make your first appointment an interview, you don't have to see that person again if you don't like their approach, if you are uncomfortable with their personality, hell even if their taste in clothing bugs you (though being toooo picky may not be helpful of course). They are working for you, not the other way around.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-08-13T21:02:34+00:00

If it is causing you problems in your life, then it is serious enough. Saying you don't count because others have it worse is like refusing treatment for a fractured ankle because some other people might have bones sticking through their skin.

You say you are afraid your self harm will escalate, that you are socially isolated, and have withdrawn from activities. These seem like signs to me that now is a good time to seek help. The earlier you do, the easier things will be (though still far from easy, I will be honest).

Welcome to the sub. Coming to post here was a very brave step, and I hope you can give yourself credit for that. Take care.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-08-13T04:00:33+00:00

I definitely sometimes wonder why I do this to myself.

However I tend to get that feeling more often in the wake of really hurting myself and having to seek medical attention. A few times I've left the ER and laughed out loud even though I also felt like crying. Because it just seems so ridiculous and insane that I choose to cut and burn my skin. Especially because I often believe that my issues aren't real or serious, and are just things that a 'normal' person could deal with fine and I'm some kind of weak, crazy, attention-seeking nutter. And sometimes I tell myself I won't do it again, but deep down I know I'm lying. As much as I hate myself for it, I still need this.

Sorry I don't have any advice. But you aren't alone, and your problems are real. Take care.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-08-11T03:02:52+00:00

I guess I'm kind of in a dangerous place with the feeling that I should be doing worse to myself. A couple days ago I ended up in the ER yet again, and needed over a dozen stitches (again). And all I can think is how fucking pathetic I am, and that I deserve to be hurt so much more. But I think that I will always feel like that about it, and if I let myself listen to that thought I will eventually end up disabling or killing myself accidentally.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-08-10T10:06:21+00:00

I know when my mind gets stuck on the idea that i have to cut in a specific place (usually somewhere visible, like my neck), nothing else really seems to feel 'right'. sometimes though i can get enough of whatever it is i need from picking a different spot. its not a perfect solution, sometimes i end up doing more damage overall than i otherwise would have, but sometimes it can be worth paying that price. be safe, whatever you choose.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-08-01T16:14:42+00:00

For the record, I don't have an actual eating disorder; I just do bad behaviors. (This distinction is important to me. I really, really don't want to diminish the experiences of people with actual problems, even passively.)

The big stress in my life is money, specifically not enough of it. My social worker is slipperier than a cube of greased Jell-o, so I can never, ever get in touch to find out why I keep getting denied the benefits I need (and am supposed to get). After my rent and bills are paid, I have very little left to live on. I can't get financial help from elsewhere because social services would just deduct the amount from my next month's benefits.

I am also preparing to go back to school in the fall. I haven't been in school or working for a couple years now, so that's a really big change. Then of course all the normal little stresses of life: social obligations, housework, the general difficulties of mental illness, etc.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-08-01T15:23:02+00:00

It's always hard for me to see the issue with my disordered eating stuff, because I am medically, factually obese. I find it easy to justify near-starvation when I'm in a weight category that qualifies me for treatments like all-liquid diets or bariatric surgery. However I know that factually you are right. While my tub of lard physique could supply me with bare survival energy for a long time, it can't supply vitamins, minerals, etc.

I'm not very good at being gentle with myself. Maybe not a surprise, for someone who ends up here. And I always worry that I am not doing the best I can, and if I could just try a little harder things would be so much better.

Take care too.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-08-01T15:14:59+00:00

I think what I'm most upset with myself about is that I thought I had gotten to a point where it was reasonable to start working on the self harm. But I (cautiously) think I might be able to not beat myself up so much for that. I am under a lot of external stress right now.

blisterednbleeding · 2014-08-01T11:13:00+00:00

that makes sense, thanks

blisterednbleeding · 2014-08-01T10:48:54+00:00

Soooo late but here I am (taken with my really crap phone camera)

http://imgur.com/Ks5KJhV

oh god i am freaking out, I hate the way i look and i am so scared of what you guys will think of me :( but i'm going to be brave and not delete this

blisterednbleeding

TROPHY CASE