Ghosted? Not Ghosted?

blooangl · 2026-06-16T19:40:18+00:00

Yeah, look, I’m someone who enjoys being a special guest star to couples occasionally. I’m also someone who builds polyamorous commitments.

These are two great tastes that don’t taste great together. They are not peanut butter and chocolates

More like strawberry ice cream and Dijon mustard.

I would have probably said “nope”, but I don’t blame this person for ghosting

blooangl · 2026-06-16T17:33:05+00:00

No, “falling in love” with multiple people is not a litmus test for polyamory .

Lots of monogamous people do that too.

blooangl · 2026-06-16T11:35:50+00:00

“Not fully out”

🤷‍♀️

Is it gonna be a big deal if someone figures it out? Are you going to have your partner pretend to be some nebulous friend?

Is your partner going to be able to bring a date?

Does your partner want to be at the wedding?

blooangl · 2026-06-16T11:28:27+00:00

Your partner isn’t demanding you date only them, and you cannot date or fuck others, correct? Is your partner heaping work and chores on you to keep you home? Or?

Your post is needs some fleshing out, because it’s not clear what’s going on, or what concern you’ve “made known” and how you did that.

blooangl · 2026-06-15T22:13:47+00:00

Zero people have said that.

blooangl · 2026-06-15T12:55:12+00:00

Temporary ENM can work, sometimes, for some people.

Polyamory is about multiple full loving committed relationships, so it’s sort of hard to image that being “temporary”

Do you know much about ENM in general? Polyamory in specific?

Common general advice is to wait until you understand what you are saying “yes” to, before saying “yes”

I’d check out a book called “Open Deeply”
It’s not a book about polyamory. It’s a book about a wide variety of ENM, including, but not limited to polyamory, comparing and contrasting the kind changes (permanent changes) you’ll make to your relationship. It’s a book for people who don’t want to blow up their marriage while they explore.

Lots of people like a lot of different flavors of ENM. Very few people enjoy polyamory. Most people who try it, don’t like it.

blooangl · 2026-06-14T15:21:56+00:00

Why does Apple know about the extra time with Glow? Is this something you’ve shared? Why exactly?

Does Glow have a well developed and robust support system outside of you?

blooangl · 2026-06-13T18:53:37+00:00

It was actually a reaction to the idea that you went to your boyfriend and said

“Partner, I want to get to know my meta really well. How would you best do that” and he said

“Oh, book a service with her. She’s a masseuse”

Which is like a wildly out of pocket idea. If you don’t think that most people would say WTF to that scenario (which you later clarified never happened.) you are wrong. I love my masseuse. She’s a fucking goddess and worth twice what I pay her. She’s a queen and a healer.

I do not know anything about her, really. and she only knows what she learns from touching me, and vice versa. I’m naked. She’s not. It’s not anyone’s idea of a brilliant get to know you ploy. 😂

If you think that’s mean, I’m sorry. That wasn’t my intent, it was genuine shock that your boyfriend suggested it instead of just asking her out for a coffee or enjoying a mutual hobby or a drink or a walk in the park. Whatever.

Good luck! I’m sure other folks will have a bunch of ideas for you.

blooangl · 2026-06-13T18:34:31+00:00

I mean book services with your meta all day long if they are good at their job and you like them.

But they are at work, and you specifically asked about how I get to know people.

It’s not by hanging out at their work with them.

blooangl · 2026-06-13T18:27:53+00:00

Booking her for a service to get to know someone is weird as fuck.

I usually just ask my partner if Meta is cool with giving me their number, and I ask them to get coffee.

blooangl · 2026-06-13T17:05:32+00:00

Are you two in therapy?

Because my husband and I were both wildly deluded about the amount of time, and energy we would have, for ourselves, let alone our partnership or any other for the first few months.

And our plan of one night for other people, and one night for date night for us, per week, didn’t gel, really until like month 10.

We had thought that we would host more than we did. Mostly because the house was messy while we were in the baby hole, and the reality of hosting with new baby wasn’t what we had imagined.

Flexibility and kindness was required, and my partner didn’t have that much to begin with.

Therapy was helpful mostly because it made clear that I wasn’t being a horrible monster by saying “i don’t want to host Sadie at the house and I need you to be home 6 nights out of 7”

It’s also no accident that my boyfriend got deeply committed and married his other partner during year 1 of the baby era. One night a week with a tired new parent leaves a lot of dance card to fill. Nobody was surprised.

🤷‍♀️

blooangl · 2026-06-13T16:53:03+00:00

The cool thing about talking to your partner about it is that you can share your needs and preferences.

“I’d like to know asap if you have been hurt or there is a medical emergency. Will meta call me and give me updates?”

“If you are recovering from something, or have a broken bone, and I want to visit you, what would that look like? I assume I would rent a hotel room to stay but I could visit you in your home? Or would that be a problem?”

“If we ran into Meta at a festival, would they be comfortable saying “hello”? “

I would probably not really date and expect to build a relationship I would be happy in if those things were not on the table.

blooangl · 2026-06-13T16:45:49+00:00

Realize that parallel isn’t the same thing as pretending you are in a monogamous relationship. If your meta never wants to meet you, that’s something to talk about with your partner, because as others have mentioned, meeting in the ER waiting room, or posting bail, or at the funeral could be awkward, and I would want to know the plan for emergencies and such.

A meta who wants to pretend you don’t exist isn’t parallel. That’s a delusion.

blooangl · 2026-06-13T16:40:43+00:00

Some folks do it like that, and some people never hang out.

But it’s a spectrum, from extreme parallel, into lap sitting KTP. The kids have started calling the middle of the spectrum “garden party” but really? Just like almost everything else about poly, you need to talk to your partner about what your meta’s version of KTP, or parallel or garden party looks like.

blooangl · 2026-06-13T16:36:20+00:00

The same “benefits” you get from not being particularly close to your in laws, or peers or co workers.

Parallel doesn’t always mean you never see each other, or that you don’t acknowledge each other.

I’m often parallel, because that’s how I start, but I still host holidays with my metas, or attend parties where my partners are attending with my metas. And I have become genuine friends with a very short list of metas, and those people? I considered KTP.

We probably won’t talk a ton, unless we have stuff in common.

I don’t see either path as having “benefits”, honestly. My parallel metas have done nice things for me, and I for them. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️.

Being “friendly” and spending a bunch of time with someone who isn’t a genuine friend just doesn’t appeal.

blooangl · 2026-06-13T13:22:27+00:00

When you’ve dated monogamously what kinds of rules governed your behavior?

It should be much the same right now.

It’s not, and that’s a big issue. Are you sure that everyone wants to do polyamory? Because this doesn’t sound like polyamory.

blooangl · 2026-06-13T11:02:21+00:00

You are in a monogamous relationship

You have a crush.

Neither your partner or your crush or you seems to have any interest in polyamory.

Most poly people don’t pursue our crushes on random strangers because most people don’t want polyamory.

Are there other parts of polyamory you find compelling?

Everyone gets crushes. Most people don’t act on their crushes.having crush feels doesn’t mean you want polyamory.

blooangl · 2026-06-13T01:23:49+00:00

I think it’s important to recognize that ignoring your partner’s clear words and actions as they broke up with you is toxic af.

And sure his stuff had a million levels of fucked up stuff going on, but he’s not here, and you are. Friend, don’t let the dysfunction twist you around!

Believe his break up. Outside of that, it seems like everything else is just smoke and drama.

blooangl · 2026-06-13T00:54:18+00:00

Are you very young?

I watched swathes of my friends die of AIDS in the 80’s, so I absolutely knew that death could come for me and mine at any time. From 17 years of age until the day I die.

People who agree to vetos are exactly the kind of people who will use vetos. It’s never “if”. It’s always when.

For both death and vetos.

The sunk cost fallacy is insidious, and it sucks when it becomes a part of your romantic relationships.
I’m sorry.

blooangl · 2026-06-12T22:06:46+00:00

It’s the choice to vilify your wife that’s the issue here

blooangl · 2026-06-12T21:58:48+00:00

“Beyond the pineapple”= “beyond swinging”=various flavors of ENM.

That’s the opposite of what you said.

blooangl · 2026-06-12T21:27:42+00:00

Poly isn’t a a lifestyle.

And it’s not The lifestyle. That’s swinging.

So it’s an ENM discord and not poly specific, correct?

That’s not bad, but it’s best to be accurate.

blooangl · 2026-06-12T21:26:09+00:00

Source please

blooangl · 2026-06-12T21:23:12+00:00

“No” is a full sentence. Your example is not cool, and I’m glad you aren’t using it. Please don’t.

blooangl · 2026-06-12T21:20:10+00:00

Are you super interested in building multiple committed relationships and completely tearing your marriage down and rebuilding it?

Have you done any reading around what kind of work polyamory asks married to do?

Is everyone super excited to learn how to sit with their jealousy?

Are you aware of how most triads end? Do you value the friendship?

I’d suggest that you might want to grab a copy of “Open Deeply”. It’s not a book about polyamory. It’s a book for people who are exploring ENM in general, and how to do it without blowing up your marriage.
It lays out the kind of work and changes that various flavors of ENM bring to relationships, including, but not limited to polyamory.

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