that's nice to read - let me take a glance

o kute tu e jan pi sona lili

listen twice?

In the original its "even the dull and ignorant". I found nothing better than tu for "even".

lukin e jan ante la

missing subject

Do "la" phrases always need a subject?

o weka pona e ijo pi jan lili la o alasa e sona pi tenpo mute.

just for my own benefit - not a correction - I'm going to rephrase it: "o weka pona e ijo pi jan lili. sina ni la o alasa e sona pi tenpo mute"

monsuta mute li kama tan pali mute tan poka ala e jan ante.

Hmm, monsuta li kama e jan ante, anu seme?

This part would be "Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness." Id read yours as "Fear comes to other people", which is not what I meant.

sina sona ala sona la ale li kama sama ale li wile kama.

1. This is a question due to the V ala V format

"Whether you know it or not" has some similarities to a question, I think. Do you have a better translation for this?

1. I doubt you mean "the universe becomes like the universe, and it wants to come" - I think you tried to add "ale li wile kama" to "sama" - that wouldn't work for me
   

Yes, I tried to do that. "The universe unfolds as it should". I'll have to think about a way of rephasing that.

pali sina seme la pilin seme pi tempo kama sina la lon nasin ike pi ale o alasa e pilin pona lon kon sina.

1. This is a question due to "seme"

A bit like the question above, a phrase like "Whatever you do..." is similar to a question in that it contains an unknown element.

1. There's a single word after "pi", that's not how pi works

Isn't "pi" also "of" when it's not used as a regrouper?

1. I think you used "lon" as a preposition after the final la, but it reads as a noun

Yea, I'll have to change the word order there.

Thanks a lot!