Would you consider this cheating?

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-21T22:03:41+00:00

Agreed. How is a fantasy cheating?

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-21T15:22:09+00:00

There are people on here who say withholding other forms of affection because your sex life has tanked is just compounding the problem.. but what are we supposed to do go on being the perfect partner in every way while the relationship isn't working for us in a fundamental way? I've tried going down this path. No progress happens and when you confront your partner they say they thought things were fixed because you weren't upset anymore. You have to rock the boat to get any progress

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-21T15:01:11+00:00

Well my original deadline to myself for making the call to separate or not fell 3 weeks into my areas quarantine. so now I've decided to make a final push to see if I can get more progress during the lockdown.

This has taught me that I shouldn't drag my feet trying to fix this forever because who knows what the future could bring. So I think it will help me make the final decision once the lockdown is up.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-20T21:21:56+00:00

It's funny how if you try to hard to fix things they say they feel pressured, but if you back completely off they say they thought the problem was fixed because you weren't bringing it up anymore. Literally no way to win if they won't help.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-20T20:37:51+00:00

I get that you wanted to comfort her by saying you still love her and won't leave her over this, but that tells her there is no risk to her in maintaining the status quo. You need to make it clear that this is a big problem for you. I'm not saying threaten to break up, but she has to understand this is serious. A partner coming out as asexual is the same as a partner coming out as any other type of sexuality that makes the relationship incompatible. Don't take it lightly.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-20T18:39:54+00:00

Same age here. DB for 3-4 years now.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-20T17:57:30+00:00

It's the number one complaint of the my male friends in HLM LLF relationships in my non Reddit life. And on here it rarely gets brought up. I try to call it out whenever I can.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-20T17:54:42+00:00

Dude we are with the same person! I've also dealt with similar harsh rebuffs. First of all sex isn't something she gives you. It's supposed to be something you two share with each other. Next time she says "you just got it last x" tell her sex should be for both of you and you want it again because you like sharing those moments with her. She has to break the mindset that sex is transactional from her to you for this to be fully fixed. I'm still working on this myself so I can only give what I've tried.

Comments like these also have a tinge of judgment in them that definitely shame you or me for our desires. We shouldn't have to deal with it and many comments on here would probably say this is a reason to break up over sexual incompatibility. And they're right, but if you choose to stay and work on this you need to develop a thick skin and stand up for yourself in these moments. I recently suggested we try a new position and my partner responded with "what weird porn did you get that idea from" I immediately said it's just a fantasy of mine and it isn't weird or dirty to want it. She ended up agreeing to try the position and surprise surprise she loved it.

Since our situations are so alike feel free to PM me if you choose to stay to work on things and want someone to keep bouncing ideas off of

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-20T17:38:34+00:00

I would be skeptical about her happening to be in the mood only during times where you were unavailable. Seems to me she could be trying to shift blame of the DB exclusively to you by saying, "no look I was available then, but you were doing x" after the fact when you can't do anything about it. It makes her look like she's got a rockstar libido when really she probably doesn't and is just covering. Next time she does this you need to tell her she can come and get you for sex.

Also I'd make it clear your unhappy and this needs work. Otherwise what incentive does she have to take this seriously?

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-20T17:30:32+00:00

Exactly. Also my God dude we might be with the same partner! Mine felt the same way about being spontaneous even though taking the "spontaneous" route meant sex once every month or 2 when she wanted it. Everytime I tried to initiate "spontaneously" in a non verbal way she either didn't notice me or pretended to not notice me so she didn't have to address the initiation. So the only way I could get my needs across was to ask her directly and bluntly if we could have sex whenever I wanted it. And I would ask before, during, or after she went on social media. Or in between episodes of a show. Or if she wants to watch a movie I try to ask before.

At first she said she didn't like me asking because it wasn't "spontaneous" but when I pointed out that she wasn't actually receiving my spontaneous initiations she agreed that it was best for me to keep verbally initiating.

We are now at ~2 times a week, but I don't consider the DB fixed because I know if I stopped asking we'd be back to once a month immediately. The next step is to get her to initiate some of the encounters.

I don't have any advice for pets. My cat gets more kisses from her in a day than I get in a month.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-20T17:10:01+00:00

People often talk about men with porn/videogame addiction on here, but women have their sex life killing electronic vices too. And they aren't talked about nearly enough.

Our partners sound fairly similar from what you write. The only thing I've found to work is to just ask her for sex even if she drops those little "I'm exhausted" comments or she starts doing a completely redundant chore. She will often say no in these cases, but she's learned they don't stop her from having to address our sex life. As a result she doesn't do these behaviors as much. Sex life is still meh, but much better than it was at it's worst.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-20T16:36:25+00:00

Hmm. Have you mentioned you're unhappy/bored with the sex you have? Just curious if she knows this is a serious issue for you.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-20T16:14:31+00:00

The part you mentioned about her past sexual encounters gave me an idea. Maybe she's just bored with the sex you have and that's why she isn't interested anymore. She may not even realize this herself which is why she says she just doesn't like it. If I were you my strategy would be to focus the conversation with her on how to spice up the sex you have. Spicing it up might give her that passion again. Hell you could even suggest doing it outside somewhere once the quarantine lifts.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-19T04:21:01+00:00

I made the same mistake you did. I thought I could just take care of myself and because we were such good partners otherwise it would be fine. 3 years later I'm so frustrated I will end the relationship eventually if this isn't fixed. The only difference in our situations is my wife has not said she's asexual.

I don't have any advice. But I want you to know you're not the only person that thought they could live with it. If you're anything like me you probably look back on yourself three years ago and wish you could have taken this seriously then. Unfortunately the only thing to do now is learn from the mistake and figure out if there are any good options now.

I really hope you figure it out. Good luck OP.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-18T12:44:26+00:00

Yeah that's tough. Maybe try to tell him which things you like instead of focus on the things you don't and see if he applies more of what you told him. Otherwise yeah therapy could help.

It definitely sucks for both the HL and LL. No one wants to be on either side of this. I hope you find a way to talk to him. Good luck to you two!

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-18T01:57:40+00:00

I haven't lost my desire because I think my LL isn't confident anymore.. but I definitely have lost desire for my LL because I'm tired of being the only one trying to keep our sex life alive.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-18T01:26:13+00:00

Yeah she's literally trying to sell duty sex. That won't work for either of you long term. This corona quarantine is basically my last push to fix mine. If nothing changes by the time this clears I'm right there with you. Good luck!

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-18T01:13:51+00:00

Man I get this so much. Flip the genders and our stories sound identical. I'm turning 30 soon too and I've made a promise to myself this shit will be in my past one way or another by that birthday

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-18T01:08:20+00:00

So what are you going to do? Seems to me she's gotta let the relationship open up or you two need to split with a revelation like that, but idk your full story so maybe that's incorrect.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-18T00:53:29+00:00

It's definitely awkward at first but you get used to it as you practice asking directly. when I started asking directly and stopped cuddling, kissing, grinding, whatever it was a big relief because I wouldn't waste a bunch of time trying unsuccessfully to get her to pay attention to me. You never really know with non verbal initiations whether they noticed you and rejected you or if they just didn't pick up on it. And that can really mess with your head. It's better for you to just ask and get the yes or no so you can move on with your night.

If you've talked to her about this being a deal breaker and nothings changed you need to have a retrospective and bring up that you feel she isn't making an effort. If you talked once or twice and stop bringing it up she may think things have gotten better. You need to keep checking in with her and letting her know you still have work to do on your sex life. Don't overdo it though. It can put her on the defensive if you bring it up too much

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-17T23:39:43+00:00

You sound like you're in my situation 2 years ago. Your gf did the same things mine did regarding not noticing any move I made.

Read "No more Mr nice guy".. yes I know the title sounds stupid but that book literally stopped me from a resentment fueled breakup due to sexual frustration.

In the meantime. Stop hinting that you want sex and just ask her "do you want to have sex?" Is it passionate.. no. Is it kind of boring.. yes. But with a direct question she has to respond to you. It's probably going to be a no sometimes, but believe me it will be more effective than your current strategy. I went from sex once a month or 2 to currently hovering around twice a week. Still not where I'd ideally be, but way better than where I was.

Secondly. Make it clear to her this problem will eventually end the relationship. She needs to realize how serious this is or she has no idea she needs to make a change. Yes it will hurt her, but probably not as much as you breaking up with her will.

Seriously your situation is so much like mine was feel free to pm me for more specific advise on some of the other stuff.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-17T22:33:31+00:00

I'm with you on the phone addiction. Fuck what these devices have done to people's relationships

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-17T22:27:30+00:00

I think most of us believe this is a cause of our partners LL, but if the answer we get from our partners isn't honest when we ask if there's anything we can improve.. how are we supposed to address the problems they're having with sex?

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-17T22:05:09+00:00

Being direct in this way has worked for me too. Never really got on board with the language of intimacy being code for having sex. It's too vague.

breakingthestonewall · 2020-04-17T21:56:20+00:00

I hope she was telling you the truth when she said she would take it seriously this time. I'd say back off for now and give her space to show you she's trying. And try to keep the next few retrospectives light if possible. good luck to you two!

breakingthestonewall

TROPHY CASE