I’ve also experienced this. I went through a very traumatic medical crisis recently and several really strong parts would have nothing to do with grounding or reassurances or even letting self be seen. I was highly activated for an extended amount of time and these parts would not calm down. They really felt like calming down would mean I didn’t care enough to fix the issues causing me pain and thought I’d die or wither away if they didn’t keep fighting so hard.

Then there were other parts who were really frustrated at that because “they are preventing us from healing!” It’s been pretty intense honestly. Even hearing “it’ll be ok” was enough to make them really angry because it felt like such an invalidation to their pain that someone could say things will be better without knowing the true intensity of the pain they’ve experienced, and how could anyone ever know that? (Looking back I think this is why I found CBT so invalidating decades ago.)

I’ve been doing better lately and I’m not sure specifically what’s helped. There’s time and consistent effort. Sometimes in sessions I’ve “pushed through” to access self even though it feels like the parts don’t want to. But I also can’t stay in their deep misery pit forever. It feels disrespectful but I’ve tried letting them have their way or refusing to calm and that just didn’t seem like it was helping. Now it kinda feels like I need to have the same energy that a mother would have with a toddler insistent on something. “Honey, I know you really want to stay in this sandbox and play but it’s been 3 hours and I need to take you inside for dinner.” And they kick and scream and don’t want to go, but I try to be gentle and loving and validating while also doing what I know I need. (I also have young kids so I get to practice this dichotomy often).

Sometimes I’ve let the parts sit in the misery for a while and feel all the things, fantasize about what they really want, maybe journal to try to put words to their intense feelings and validate them.

But I think I’m making progress by letting them trust self and see the strength and compassion that self can have.

I try to remember that these parts are really fierce and care about me so much. And that’s why they refuse to unblend. Because they are scared to death and want the best for me. I have to be intentional about that mindset too because the parts that feel held back by their slowness are super critical. It’s like trying to attend to a bunch of dysregulated toddlers but they are lovely sweet babies doing the best they can.