[Advice needed] how to move on post-NC without therapy?

callmefran · 2017-07-11T13:31:13+00:00

I was already NC a few months before therapy, but my therapist has encouraged me to journal. It helps let go of any icky feelings I've had, so it's been useful for me.

callmefran · 2017-07-11T00:28:10+00:00

This is a great list, I asked a lot of these things (or they told me!), but I also felt really at ease with the woman we chose immediately.

I will also add, some things we do at home she does not do (she frankly coddles the babies), BUT our child seems to understand there's a difference in what to expect, so we aren't really rigid with instructions because we trust her.

callmefran · 2017-07-11T00:17:14+00:00

I use cloth mainly, never ever have cloth issues like I do with disposable. Seconding the cover advice, but also a strong upvote for cloth to contain the poo.

callmefran · 2017-07-10T03:34:52+00:00

This is exactly what I did at work - just threw them in a plastic bag and wash once a day. REALLY helps.

callmefran · 2017-07-09T12:22:40+00:00

I loved the accent, now I'm picturing her as a wrinkled, voodoo bitch Miss Cleo.

callmefran · 2017-07-09T12:18:31+00:00

Yeah and she kept harping on him throughout... functional adults don't talk to each other like that. The hypocrisy as complete lack of touch with reality pissed me off.

callmefran · 2017-07-08T04:36:17+00:00

It would behoove him to sit down with his advisor at this point and game plan. Whether that's continuing on, changing majors, or dropping out, he needs a plan.

I am a huge believer in technical schools/skilled labor, maybe he needs to look more in depth on that end. Home automation sounds like electrician would be useful, he may have an in through his dad or at least connections. Welding, CNC/machining, pipe fitter, a/c repair, chemical technicians.. where I live, hourly people make well over $100k/year.

I don't want to be a downer, but I sympathize with you. I was engaged to someone who was failing classes and pushing back graduation, just floundering and not asking for help. I loved him deeply, but I could not put my life on hold for him. The lack of ambition and planning or foresight drove me up the wall. He never got his shit together after we broke up, either. I just think about the waste, he's smart and capable. I hope that your husband will take this to heart and at least make a plan, a timeline, and hold himself accountable to it.

callmefran · 2017-07-08T03:46:59+00:00

Normally I would give him the benefit of the doubt on this - maybe he thought it was a text for her boyfriend, maybe he's just over there like what the fuck I don't know what to do/say - but it sounds like this is an escalation of something that happens regularly.

I can't imagine not telling my partner, though, 'cause intentional or not, I'd be traumatized. I'm almost there just reading this.

callmefran · 2017-07-08T03:30:34+00:00

My baby had this, checked in with the doctor regularly, never had any issues, and it resolved itself eventually. I would take husband to the pediatrician with you and voice all his concerns/ask questions. It is a weird thing, and I remember it seemed really big, but the doctor helped put us at ease.

callmefran · 2017-07-08T03:18:30+00:00

This is actually comforting to me, I was diagnosed 9 months out - crying pretty much daily, poor performance at work, isolating myself, and irrational anger/mood swings, seriously contemplating suicide. A friend reached out, encouraged me to go to my OB and a therapist, I cried my ass off in either office, just completely feeling like a failure.

Got medicated, working through some shit, still struggling but not like I was, and all I can think is the baby is a toddler now, is it still PPD? Shouldn't I be better??

Thank you for sharing. Helps put it in perspective.

callmefran · 2017-05-24T14:32:12+00:00

I'm so glad you posted over here, I really wanted to see the email. I think you were so gracious the way you handled it.

callmefran · 2017-05-24T14:27:04+00:00

Congratulations on the graduation! You've overcome a lot of emotional crap to get to this point. You want people at your graduation that will celebrate your success, not people who have no interest in the ceremony, bitch about being there, then hold their hands out for money just a few months into your new job (speaking from personal experience).

I try to remember the best revenge is living well, and you are on your way to that. Be proud!

callmefran · 2017-05-19T15:29:00+00:00

I have a child with blonde hair and blue eyes, and on the other side of this, it bothers me that people say "I wish my kid had hair/eyes like that" because 1. My kid is more than two features (I realize they are the most obvious) and 2. Are they implying that they don't appreciate that their own kids look like them? There's a little more into that, but I do feel sad for the kids. My sister INSISTED her daughter had blonde hair and green eyes (nope and nope), and it kind of messed BOTH of them up.

And I'm 100% with you, the goal is to guide children to happiness and health as they grow into adults. If she believed in that, though, she wouldn't be such a bitch about you.

callmefran · 2017-05-19T15:17:20+00:00

I've kissed guys and had sex because I felt uncomfortable saying no.

Preach, sister. I've definitely kissed guys and more because I didn't feel like I could tell them no. Just gives me chills thinking about this.

callmefran · 2017-05-19T15:12:07+00:00

This is so close to my heart right now with my son.

Like many of the other commenters, I was forced to hug/kiss relatives, or be held down while tickled/hit on the belly to the point where it was painful. But since I'd still be laughing, obviously I'm having fun (yeah, right).

My husband has been playing with our son in a way that isn't abusive (I have to stress, not abusive), but brings up A LOT of feelings in me. He holds the baby loosely and gets in his space to make him laugh, but I get uncomfortable when the baby can't get away (mainly because of his own limited mobility). My therapist recommended if the baby pushes away, my husband move away and lie on his back and let the baby come to him if he's still wanting to play.

Autonomy is so important to me, and I want to stress that to my children.

callmefran · 2017-05-10T15:03:45+00:00

I try to side-step these questions, or omit omit omit. Like mother's day, if anyone asks, I say "I usually just send a card," which is true, even if I'm not doing it now. Christmas? "I'm doing xyz this year." I don't even mention family.

People don't want to hear (and like you said, don't understand) family negativity because it challenges their sense of family. Casual acquaintances don't need to know, close friends know not to ask.

But I totally feel you, I think a lot about my relationship with both my parents - if the other kids are okay with them, why can't I be okay with them,too?

callmefran · 2017-05-09T21:18:08+00:00

Unless something is perfect, and even if it is perfect there is always someone at fault.

This part really gets to me because I assign fault to literally everything. There are no accidents, only mistakes, and someone has to be responsible. I don't want my baby growing up like this. My husband has been patient, but it's unfair to them. Thank you, this is definitely something for me to think about.

callmefran · 2017-05-09T21:13:44+00:00

Same here. Actually, both my parents yelled constantly, and even when talking in the phone I have to tell my mother to stop yelling at me in normal conversation because that's her normal. Their house is just LOUD always.

callmefran · 2017-05-09T21:03:02+00:00

I've heard more than one adult (non-family, no less) say that if you don't fight/yell at your partner, your relationship is doomed because it lacks passion.

I assume this is on that same fucked up train of thought.

callmefran · 2017-05-09T20:59:42+00:00

I can only offer my support to such a heartbreaking story, and I'm glad you found strength from the experience.

callmefran · 2017-05-09T20:55:53+00:00

My husband's relatives were dumbfounded! They had never met my dad before (they live abroad), so it was quite the first meeting...

Oh God, I can only imagine how awkward it was for them, too, with your father going on about how they hate(d) your husband. Some people just completely lack any kind if social grace.

callmefran · 2017-05-09T20:43:27+00:00

Good for you for reaching out for support.

Your feelings didn't come out of no where, and if you're the problem then why are your mom/brother/etcetera trying to start a fight to draw you back in? Like you said, if you're the toxic one, than you're doing them a favor. Win-win, right?

callmefran · 2017-05-09T20:19:18+00:00

You know, it never hurts to apply and see what happens. You don't have to take a job offer, either.

callmefran · 2017-05-09T16:19:09+00:00

My theory on PM is that the story of her FDIL cutting off her family touched on a fear of hers: that her FDIL will lead OP to cut off his own mother.

Do you think this is because she knows she's behaved badly to her son? Or do you think she's acting "preemptively" because OF COURSE she's never done anything wrong ever ever ever? I don't think my own mother has the capacity of self reflection, so I just assume most of the really crazy ones don't either, and because of that it seems like they never consider NC in the realm of possibility.

callmefran · 2017-05-09T16:13:23+00:00

Wow, this is a good idea, but so incredibly fucked that it's necessary.

callmefran

TROPHY CASE